So I've been seeing someone for over five years now. Not very frequently as we live in different countries normally, but we travel to meet up once or twice a year all around the US and Canada. The beginning was very intimate and sensual. I think I became too attached and slowed things quite a bit.
The next few times weren't quite as good as before as we sometimes argued, but we still always had sex.
Then about two years ago we met up again. Had an incredible night. There was drinking involved, but we talked about life, adopting a son together, would you move, etc. as we were falling asleep, he said I love you.
I was shocked because it's the 3 words I've always wanted him to day more than anything in this world. I was literally speechless. Because of that, he had to ask if I loved him, I said yes, of course.
The next time we met up, we were at a golf tournament. So a few days together. We had fun, sex, some serious dinner talks. But it wasn't the same. I brought up him saying he loved me and he back tracked. Said he probably shouldn't have said it and was sorry because I've been nothing but honest and a good guy to him.
I was devastated. I wrote all of my feeling out for him and sent him the best love letter I've ever written. Because I know he's the only person I ever want to spend my life with. He said how great I was and basically put me in the friend zone.
I accepted it because he's a great guy and I really want him in my life forever.
I went to his current hometown a month ago and it was just buds hanging out type of stuff. Awkward, but we still had fun.
Then this week, he came to my home for a few days for the first time. We had a fantastic few days capped off by what dw both said was maybe the best night of our lives (front row at justin timberlake). In the cab home after he said the nicest most complimentary things anyone has ever said to me. We held hands the whole way home and he would sometimes kiss my hand. This trip we cuddled and slept together each night, but no sex. Some kissing nearly led to sex the final night, but he consciously stopped himself.
Now, I don't know what to do. My heart breaks everyday that I'm not with him. I'm sitting up at night wanting to text or call do badly that I'm sick, but I don't want to step over any lines and scare him away of ruin what we have.
I'm in the closet, so I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm do sick and so sad without him I don't know what to do. I would give up anything for him.
I'm considering coming out to my Mom this week, because I think it's time, I'm 31. I also just really want someone to tell my truth to and about the love of my life.
Any advice if anyone's still reading?