Been in relationship for four years with the same guy. We have lived together the majority of the relationship other than half the summers apart due to working away. We've done a lot of travelling internationally and shared some incredible experiences/locations together which has been great. We've also had our typical relationship conflicts.
I was away last summer and got onto a gay networking app which eventually lead to me cheating on my partner. The truth came out about a month later so we started seeing a couple's counsellor and attending individual therapy to identify problems and root issues. I was hesitant to continue the relationship together (this was not to go be with the other guy) as I felt we'd been drifting apart a while and I wanted to focus finally on what I wanted. We chalked the situation up to poor communication, not checking in with each other to see how we were doing individually and as a couple, and not realizing the extent of our own behaviours/actions. I have gone to a number of individual therapy sessions to work on the issues that have been identified and we have continued periodic couple's sessions.
At Christmas we were apart two weeks as we spent time with our individual families. During this time I enjoyed being apart. I returned for Christmas and we've spent time together ever since until recently when he went away for two weeks for work. Again, I have enjoyed the time apart and being alone.
Our sex life is basically non-existent. I've lost a sexual connection with him which makes me hesitant to carry on this relationship. I've been told that this is typical in relationships; the lust doesn't always last forever. I feel we're at a crossroad of going it together or separating. He wants to be with me and is willing to invest everything to make this work. I agreed to working on me and us. It's been three months and I ask myself how long it's supposed to take--when will I feel the lust/love come back? When will I want to jump his bones after being apart for a couple weeks? When does enough time go by that it's time to end things or do I just deal with this and stick it out?
This is the longest relationship I've ever been in and regardless of the length it's always hard to end a relationship. I've gone to leave twice but have felt crushed when it comes time to leave. I told him I don't want to end the relationship in a complete emotional puddle. I love this guy for who he is and who he has become, I love that he is willing to be there as a supporter and help me/us get where I/we've identified to go. I appreciate the experiences we've created and shared together and do have some regret about choices we made in the past that have cost me financially and him emotionally. I value that this is the first relationship I've had where a boyfriend has met all of my family and has been a part of it and vice-versa. I am cautious that my flame of love and attraction of "us" has gone out.
I ask myself if I want to be single. Part of me wants to be. This is not so that I can date other guys or go through another hook-up phase. It's so that I can recreate myself to be who I realize I now want to be without any pressure, guilt, expectations that I feel from a partner. Call me selfish? Call me irresponsible? Someone call me something so that I can realize what I am saying! When is it okay to end a relationship? Is it okay to end one even when things are good? Sometimes I wonder if I'm staying in the relationship because it's easier than dealing with the emotional trauma if it does happen. Clearly I care for him and feel pained when he is upset at my mentions of relationship uncertainty - does this justify staying together?
Your inputs and advice are welcome.