I'm gonna try to keep this as brief as possible, just looking for some advice.
I met this boy when I moved to NYC about a year and a half ago. I'm 25 and he's 24. We hooked up a few times in August 2012, but then he went away to Europe. When he came back in February 2013, we started talking again and seeing each other a lot. I ended up living with him for a few weeks, which was really nice. We saw each other from February/March until the summer. During that time, we were kind of in this very open, casual relationship. I lived with him when I was in between places. We also created this big bro/little bro dynamic (or master/slave during our s/m kinkier times) and he turned me versatile (before I was more or less a top). Great, awesome sex. At this time, in the spring, he had big feelings for me, asked to be my bf, and I said no, then he said will you be my kind of bf, and I said yes - so that's what we were. He chased me that whole time, but I kept resisting him because I was hung up on an ex. He knew that was the reason, as well.
Then I went away for the entire summer to my home city to save money.
At the end of the summer, he came to visit me because his bf over the summer dumped him. He asked during August if I wanted to try dating when I got back. I said maybe.
Then in Sep/Oct we were sleeping together again. He was getting increasingly aggressive and nasty with me - we have sort of a chaotic, love/hate thing from all the resisting, plus he just gets into these crazy moods... very passionate dynamic, lots of aggressive masculine tension, power struggles, etc. Around Sep/Oct I told him I was starting to fall for him too, like how he had in the spring. And it was true - something just clicked and I fell for him, hard. Problem was, he didn't believe me.
Then one morning, we got in a little fight, and he punched me in the arm in bed, so I punched him back in the arm, then he started punching me in the chest and accidentally in the lip. This freaked me out and scared me so much (he's a lot stronger than me, bigger than me) that I basically felt like I was in an abusive relationship and quit talking to him for 2 months.
During that 2 months he BEGGED for me back, apologized, told me how much he missed me, told me that he was just skeptical and resentful and resisting his feelings. Eventually I ran into him at a party and decided to give him another chance.
So, we met up the next night (this is late November). I told him I think we should try to date, like, try to be normal, and see how that works for us. He said he wanted to, but that I had the worst timing, because he met someone 2 weeks before we started talking again and he wanted to try dating this other guy. So then I told him fine, fuck it, and kicked him out of my apartment. Then he texted me saying "okay, we can be more than friends, but let's take it slow and easy" to which I said okay.
At this point, the other guy is out of town for a few weeks. "My" guy told me that he would date both of us, and see what happens. I begrudgingly accepted this, because, from his point of view, I resisted him and then ignored him, so I couldn't expect him to just drop someone new because I "finally" came around.
Then, about a week before the other guy comes back, he tells me that he's going to date the other guy exclusively, and that I have to "wait my turn" because I "passed it all up" before. I'd remind him that he was an asshole and punched me in the face, but his main point is that I "had my chance" back in the spring. So to save face, I say fine, date the other guy exclusively, and we agree to stay friends and see what happens "in the future".
SO, his new boyfriend got back one week into January. But the guy would still text me all the time, so I'd reply. He knew I was uncomfortable about the situation and I'd even nag him about it ("if you say you love me too, why are you willing to risk making me wait?") - that type of thing. Anyways, a week and a half after his "new bf" is back in town, he invites me over, we hang out, argue, fuck and make up. So, that's when the cheating started. Then a few days later, I go over again, and this time we didn't argue, we had a great night, and fucking amazing sex and all the cuddling and affection after that I missed. Then this happened one more time, except he was doing his "dom masc top" roleplay the whole time, which means being kind of a jerk, saying how I'm the mistress and just his little cock boy, how I come all the way there because I love the dick, etc., all this degrading sex stuff (which is hot during the sex) - but he tends to personify it, but then he'll snap out of it later.
I don't know what to do. I saw a text message that night that he sent to the new guy where he said "goodnight babe I love you too" and I was just like, what the fuck? And him and I have said we love each other as well, but then, like the night he was being a jerk, I'll ask him if he still does (after seeing the text to the other guy) and he'll say not anymore... like, he toys with my emotions to keep the power in his control and I'm fucking sick of it. Ever since he's known I fell for him - except for the 2 months I ignored him - he's been using that to his advantage. I want things to go back to when I had the upper hand, but I don't know how, other than to ignore him again, which is risky, because I feel like if I don't give a little bit of effort, that he won't hang on... but on the other hand, when I give it up, like both emotionally and as a bottom, he acts like I'm so easy and gets off on the control. How can I reverse this and get him to chase me again, get him to be the one all wrapped up, without fucking it all up?
He tells me to just "chill and wait" and let him feel it out, but I'm sick of waiting. And I feel bad for the new guy too. Part of me just wants to ACTUALLY tell him to fuck off, but I don't want to lose him completely. But he only acts decent when he feels like he's gonna lose me.