I have been dealing with that 'Crush' issue since June of 2013 (well, longer than that, but it started to get quite heavy since June.. You have all heard the story before, and I have read many other stories on here to get some form of validation for what I am about to do.. as relatable as the stories are, there hasn't been much luck finding something comparable to mine. I apologize in advance for the length, but I feel like getting this off my chest will help clear my mind, and give me an answer...
I have a wide variety of friends, one of them being a middle-aged woman (Trisha). her and I have been close friends for years. In June, she brought a mutual friend (Mark) over to my house un-expectedly (one whom I have fooled around with on a previous occasion). There was tension between him and I, but I tried my best to mask it with simple conversations of work and weather. Shortly after they arrived, another friend came over.. Jordan. Jordan and I worked together previously, and became good friends since then. He is adorable in everything he does and is the focal point of this post.
He arrived, and kept me company while I struggled to keep the tension between Mark and I unknown. This lasted for a few hours until finally, Trisha and Mark left. Immediately after they left, Jordan asked me "So, whats the story between you and Mark?" After prying the story from me, He respond with "So.. You're a bottom...?"
Jordan considers himself straight, and after hearing an erotic story that had nothing to do with penetration, just me sucking him off and some foreplay; he drew the conclusion that I was a bottom. I thought to myself.. "That only really happens in porn.. Wait.. Has he watched gay porn before? Interesting.."
Immediately after that, he told me stories of how his parents assume him to be Gay, and how he denies it. He included his parents questions about me, and wondering if I was his boyfriend. He assured me that his mother would accept him if he were, and told me that he is shocked I am still single. That night finished on that note, and the next day he came over, I noticed a glimmer in his eyes that I never seen before.
There were numerous moments for the next several meetings that made my stomach flutter, and caught my attention as 'flags'. He described to me what he finds attractive in men; although once he caught himself, Jordan left in a hurry to go home and shower. Within moments of him leaving, I received a Snapchat of his shirtless torso, and a sexual innuendo at the bottom. He mentioned one evening that he finds women to be intimidating, and how he finds me to be comfortable and relatable.
We watched numerous movies over summer, and during them, he would flicker his toes on my feet, we would cuddle a bit, and he showed me his world in pictures and videos. I brought the idea of dating up to him, but he reminded me that I wasn't his type.. His next phrase caught me off guard when he said "But if/when I decide to be Gay, you are definitely my first choice.. If thats how it works." After that, Jordan and I were inseparable.
4-5 times a week, we would lay in his convertible to watch the stars, smoke, and talk about life with slow music mumbling in the background. I always liked those nights, because I would introduce him to new music styles that he would reference at later days, tell him stories of how I plan to become a happy and authentic person, and he would tell me how his future is TBD.. I like listening to his talk, so I tried to let him do most of the talking. I tried not to let my mind wander, but it would occasionally.
By the end of summer, we would finish each others sentences, he would bring me food and drinks to my work where he would stay for hours to visit, and when he wasn't working or with me, my phone would constantly be buzzing with text messages and snapchats from him. I received a few more shirtless pictures, and heard many of his secrets. We would joke about 'in-laws', and finally near the end of summer, I broke down and told him my thoughts about 'Us'.
I originally was typing out as a reminder to myself on what to say, so I wouldn't get flustered. Instead, I hit 'Send' instead of 'Copy'.. So he got the rough draft, and responded with confusion and after many messages back and forth, said
"I am the same person you know me as.. Or, maybe there is a side to me you haven't seen yet? You just haven't asked the right questions yet.. If you want those hundred of doors to be opened, you have to ask the right question, and my 'lil' mind stars to process, and then you can explore each one. I know, I am a mystery. Also, that song that you referenced by Cheap Trick.. Its called 'I want you to want me', not 'I don't want to want you'.. I know what you meant, but it was bugging me all day".
At the end of August, he left for school. I changed the song lyrics to match my thoughts.. I said "I don't want to want you.. Like that Cheat Trick song, Because my need for you to be in my life as you are right now far outweighs my want for something more..."
Between September and now, he has driven 100 miles from school to surprise visit me without warning 3 times, send me numerous explicit snapchats, and flirted countless times via text message. Just this past weekend though, is where it gets interesting..
Jordan came back home with me on wednesday, (Since he had the rest of the week off from school. Thats how his schedule is set up.) He neglected to mention to his parents that he was home, and stayed at my place. Thursday night, we watched some 'drunk challenges' on Tyler Oakleys youtube channel. We then got extremely drunk.. to the point of where I don't remember majority of the night.. All I remember was him telling me he loved me, his shirt being off, kissing his arm, cuddling, Touching his inner thighs, his hands (which were very warm) being on my back, and his nipples being extremely perky. That's all I remember.
I was awakened by him crawling out of my bed wearing black underwear and seeing the outline of his package, getting ready to have a shower, and looking back at me with the most adorable smile as I lay in bed with my eyes barely open. I wake up while he showers, and he asks me after how I am feeling, and if I remember anything from the previous night. I said "Not much.. Well, after we finished the Cherry whisky and took some shots of Absinthe its all a blur.. What happened?" He refuses to tell me, and acted as if nothing happened, yet I know something did.
I messaged him last night to say thank you for the company over the weekend. His response was "Ooh no problem, just try not to mount me next time, lol."
Please guys, what is your opinion of what is going on? I would like some input before I ask him to come to the Cher concert with me, (since he has constantly asked me who I am bringing, and hints that he would enjoy the experience.) or I just continue being his friend...