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  1. #1
    On the Prowl RickyUK's Avatar
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    Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Hi there, I'll try to keep this short.

    Basically last October I sort of fell in love with this guy at my school (we're both 18). Maybe it wasn't 'love' but it was definitely bigger than any other crushes I've had.

    It was so big that it sort of drained me and I couldn't concentrate on my work or my life... I was completely OBSESSED with him.

    But I'm pretty sure he's straight because his gay friend mentioned it while I was nearby. That's why I haven't told him.

    Anyway I'm finally over him (which wasn't easy)
    So I don't really have feelings for him anymore.

    But now I want to tell him about how I felt because I feel he deserves to know and also I want to know what he would have thought.

    He doesn't know I'm gay yet (it's not a big deal though). But I'm not SURE he's straight.

    I really want to tell him but I'm just worried it might destroy our friendship (even if he says he's cool with it).

    Do you think I should tell him? Even if I don't really like him in that way anymore??

    Ricky

  2. #2
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    I say don't say, because if you are over it then why bring it up again.

  3. #3
    Do I dare to eat a peach?
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Silence is golden. Leave well enough alone.

  4. #4
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Why bother if you´re over him? Again, if he really is a friend, he won´t mind either, but you could make him uncomfortable.
    ¨Beware the fury of a patient man¨ - John Dryden

  5. #5
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    No.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  6. #6
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    hi Ricky,

    I would tell him that you are a gay guy, but don't tell him that you were in love with him. So the answer is 'NO'.
    I am Dutch, so please excuse me for my low level of English.

  7. #7
    JUB Addict maxpowr9's Avatar
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    If you want to lose a friend then tell him.

  8. #8
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    absolutely not. unless you want it to be awkward every time you see him from now on.

  9. #9
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    No.



    No no no.

  10. #10
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    You're not over him.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  11. #11
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    I told my best friend that I love him, and he understands completely. Some straight guys are understanding, not all, but some. A gay friend of mine told his straight friend his deepest feelings for him and the straight friend was ok with it.

    You have 2 choices:

    1) Tell him and face the reality that perhaps he'll be upset about it and cut you off, or tell him and perhaps he'll be ok with it
    2) Don't tell him and forever wonder what he would think and what would happen if you didn't/don't tell him

    These decisions are never the easiest, but who said life was easy? Go with it, I say, or forever hold your peace. You'll never know unless you put it out there.

  12. #12
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Hmmm. A good scenario, or fortunate scenario, would be if you and his gay friends are somehow together, for whatever. And the conversation 'turns up' to the question whether you are gay or not. I guess if that instance ever happened, you could let it slip that you once had a mad crush on him. But until and unless that kind of scenario comes up, I'd just stay quiet. I know how it feels like to be madly in love with someone. You become a totally different person. Ahhh love....

  13. #13

    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Move on. There is nothing to be gained from telling him about your feelings, which as you say, have passed.

  14. #14
    On the Prowl RickyUK's Avatar
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Hi, thank you everyone for your replies!

    Most of you have told me not to tell him because I'd lose a friend. So I haven't... at least not yet.
    Some of you have observed that I'm not completely over him. Maybe that's correct to an extent. Maybe my feelings have started returning after not seeing him over the Christmas holidays. But it's not as much as before.

    I think I should tell him though. You're right that it probably will damage our friendship.
    But if he confirms he's straight it'll be easier to get over him, right? Also it might explain to him why I've been acting weirdly around him for a while.
    Hopefully he'll stay friends. But we aren't BEST friends so even if he stops talking to me, it won't be the end of the world.
    One of his best friends is gay though so I know for sure he's not homophobic.
    Also, I've been asking myself this question for weeks now so if I told him I could stop thinking about him all together.

    I guess I'll tell him if it comes up and we're alone (rare though). And I'l try not to make it a big dramatic deal.
    It might be too weird to take him away from everyone to tell him privately.

    Thank you so much for your advice so far though! Sorry I didn't reply sooner, I've been unusually busy :S

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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    OK it is NOT being a friend if you dump you emotional baggage on someone who doesn't want it and doesn't deserve to have to deal with it.

    He doesn't "need to know," in any way shape or form.

    If you do this you will be doing it for selfish reasons. Even with guys who won't freak out on you, dropping this on a straight guy's head, especially an 18 year old - still figuring shit out himself - straight guy, will put up walls and change your freindship.



    So lets ask about you, WHY do you feel you need to tell him?

    Let's answer that, because you are telling yourself somewhere in your head that maybe you still have a shot, you aren't "over" him and you are contemplating taking the long odds gamble as a last resort. There is no other reason for contemplating what you are contemplating.

    No I don't know you, but sugar, we've all been there, every last one of us, and everyone in here is telling you this is a bad idea, you might consider we know what we're talking about.

    In the end you will do what you will do, just remember, if you do this, you are not being a friend to him,.
    ATTACK OF THE LIBERAL ELITE

  16. #16
    On the Prowl RickyUK's Avatar
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Thanks for your message Beau. I've gone through most of this in my mind though.
    I know it's not being a good friend to dump it on him and I've also described as selfish to myself a few times.
    The main reason I'd been putting it off for so long is exactly that.

    But it's just I no longer think it'll impact him that much. I'll try to be as casual about it as possible. I'll tell him it's passed and maybe even apologise for making this 'mistake'. Because I guess that's all it is...to him anyway.

    I don't think I think I have a shot anymore. I've been telling myself I don't and I've managed to convince myself (temporarily) that I don't need him.
    The main reason I want to tell him is to just get it all over and done with:

    Basically I managed to get over him in December (ie I tried your method and it was largely successful) but now that I see him everyday again I'm always thinking about him (again). Except this time I'm only thinking about if I should tell him about my past feelings or not, because I've already convinced myself that it's pointless to dwell about him in a directly romantic way.

    Now the amount of time I spend thinking about this is getting annoying and detrimental to my work again. And it's making it awkward for me to talk to him again.

    So I want to tell him so that I can't think about telling him anymore. And when he tells me that he doesn't like me in that way, there will be absolutely no reason to think of him in that away at all!

    And it should kill any romantic feelings about him before they grow back.
    Problem solved!
    Right?

    Ps: like I said, I hope he'll still be supportive and he might have even noticed my weird acting around him already. But if he isn't I think I'm prepared to accept it.

  17. #17
    JUB Addict Toddxxx's Avatar
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Let sleeping dogs lie and keep your friend!

  18. #18
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    I know what you're going through.

    Does he know you're gay? In any case, it seems clear to me you won't let this go. Who would, when you're in love?... Better fail early than fail late. So this needs a little stragedy!

    I would approach it a bit delicately. I probably wouldn't tell it directly, but rather, tah dah!, indirectly.

    How?

    You mentioned he had a gay friend. Why don't you chat his gay friend up and try to explain the situation with you and your crush? Let his gay friend break the news about you having a crush on the straight guy? Maybe set it up? It seems a bit convoluted, I know. But at least you made it slightly more subtle. At least, if the straight guy says he's not interested, he won't have that awkward situation of telling you himself. You're basically texting each other, with the gay guy acting as your cellphone. Does this make sense? Of course, if the gay guy has a crush on him too, then you might get screwed.

    "I can neither confirm nor deny this." #NSAPickupLines

    "I bet you're tired of guys who only pretend to listen." #NSAPickUpLines
    Last edited by bruce379; January 24th, 2014 at 05:46 PM.

  19. #19
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    OK, so your game plan is to tell him you USED to love him but don't anymore, so he'll reject you, and cure you from non-romantically obsessing about him now, since it's interfering with your work?

    Sorry but that's bullshit, you're misrepresenting yourself either to us or yourself or both. You do still have feelings for this guy or you wouldn't be obsessing about it to the point where it's fucking with your life. Period.

    In any event, that's not how it works. The only thing that works is time and distance. You'll get your distance when you tell him, and skeeze him out so he won't want to be around you - just because a straight guy isn't a 'phobe, doesn't mean you aren't going to weird him the fuck out when you tell him you want HIS cock - and why would he believe your so very "over" him that you had this need to bring it up and drop it in his head?

    Then you are going to move into phase 2 of this syndrome - angsty moaning about him from afar and what a tragedy it all is he dropped you on your ass.

    Then you're going to post another thread in here about that.

    If you are over him you'd 1. not be thinking about him so much it's interfering with your work, and 2. be extremely HAPPY he never figured it out in the first place.

    Everything you're saying screams that you're not. I also suspect that you're looking in here for permission to do something you already know is a bad idea.
    ATTACK OF THE LIBERAL ELITE

  20. #20
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Straight guys don't want to deal with your attractions - it's why they (phobe or no phobe) walk away from you when you force then to confront your emotions.
    ATTACK OF THE LIBERAL ELITE

  21. #21
    JUB Addict Craiger's Avatar
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Quote Originally Posted by RickyUK View Post
    Thanks for your message Beau. I've gone through most of this in my mind though.
    I know it's not being a good friend to dump it on him and I've also described as selfish to myself a few times.
    The main reason I'd been putting it off for so long is exactly that.

    But it's just I no longer think it'll impact him that much. I'll try to be as casual about it as possible. I'll tell him it's passed and maybe even apologise for making this 'mistake'. Because I guess that's all it is...to him anyway.

    I don't think I think I have a shot anymore. I've been telling myself I don't and I've managed to convince myself (temporarily) that I don't need him.
    The main reason I want to tell him is to just get it all over and done with:

    Basically I managed to get over him in December (ie I tried your method and it was largely successful) but now that I see him everyday again I'm always thinking about him (again). Except this time I'm only thinking about if I should tell him about my past feelings or not, because I've already convinced myself that it's pointless to dwell about him in a directly romantic way.

    Now the amount of time I spend thinking about this is getting annoying and detrimental to my work again. And it's making it awkward for me to talk to him again.

    So I want to tell him so that I can't think about telling him anymore. And when he tells me that he doesn't like me in that way, there will be absolutely no reason to think of him in that away at all!

    And it should kill any romantic feelings about him before they grow back.
    Problem solved!
    Right?

    Ps: like I said, I hope he'll still be supportive and he might have even noticed my weird acting around him already. But if he isn't I think I'm prepared to accept it.
    It seems to me you are using someone that has no idea of your emotional problems to correct those emotional problems. I think most mature people would correct their own problems without laying a trip on an unsuspecting dude. You state that you see him every day and by telling him your past feelings will kill the romantic urges before they grow back. Your hope, obviously, is that those romantic feelings will be accepted and the two of you will live happily ever after. Not going to happen if you see each other every day. The weirdness will not subside, but gain more momentum and then where will you be. That stress will be more detrimental to your work. But as said before, you will do what you have to do. My wish for you is that you wake up and smell the coffee before it destroys what friendship you have presently.

    Craiger

  22. #22
    On the Prowl RickyUK's Avatar
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Quote Originally Posted by bruce379 View Post
    I know what you're going through.

    Does he know you're gay? In any case, it seems clear to me you won't let this go. Who would, when you're in love?... Better fail early than fail late. So this needs a little stragedy!

    I would approach it a bit delicately. I probably wouldn't tell it directly, but rather, tah dah!, indirectly.

    How?

    You mentioned he had a gay friend. Why don't you chat his gay friend up and try to explain the situation with you and your crush? Let his gay friend break the news about you having a crush on the straight guy? Maybe set it up? It seems a bit convoluted, I know. But at least you made it slightly more subtle. At least, if the straight guy says he's not interested, he won't have that awkward situation of telling you himself. You're basically texting each other, with the gay guy acting as your cellphone. Does this make sense? Of course, if the gay guy has a crush on him too, then you might get screwed.

    "I can neither confirm nor deny this." #NSAPickupLines

    "I bet you're tired of guys who only pretend to listen." #NSAPickUpLines
    Thanks Bruce. I agree with you to end this sooner rather than later.
    The problem with using his gay friend is that we're not that close. He's not that nice to me! Although I don't think he likes this straight friend too.

    The straight friend isn't some super hunk and I'm not attracted to him sexually that much. It's almost totally an emotional attraction which is harder to control. He's kinda cute (unconventionally) but I mainly like the fact he's such a nice person.

    But if I tell him I tell him I don't expect him to like me and I give him space afterwards, it won't be that awkward right? So I won't need to use his gay friend.

  23. #23
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Then take him aside and chat him up. Ask him out for a drink and spill the beans there. No need for the gay guy.

  24. #24
    On the Prowl RickyUK's Avatar
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Reply to Beau:

    Ok. I agree with you that I'm at least starting to get feelings back for him.

    I'd just like to get some things clear: I'm well aware that it'll weird him out even if he's not a homophobe (btw he's not just not a homophobe - he's usually quiet but is a suprisingly loud promoter of gay rights (prob thabks to his gay friend)). Anyway I'm prepared to accept him almost alienating me because our relationship has currently become very awkward anyway. He might even know I have/used to have feelings for him.

    Secondly, I don't want "his cock". I have this great feeling for him but it is hardly sexual. It is romantic infatuation - but obviously unhealthily and obsessively romantic. I just couldn't at all think of him in a sexual way until I was over him... which is weird/interesting.

    Thirdly, if I tell him my (former) feelings and he explicitly rejects me, I won't 'moan' about it (unless he does something else really terrible) because I won't be able to keep dwelling "What if he WAS gay" or "What if I'd said something". And that's what I want.

    Fourthly, I agree that distance from him is the best option. But that doesn't work well when I see him nearly everyday. It worked over the holiday but it came back now I've started seeing him again (but definitely to a lesser extent.)

    Do you generally think it will damage/stress him out though? I mean it's just a (dead) crush to him.

    I like your last sentence Beau. Maybe you're right. But I only want it because at the moment it seems like the best option.

  25. #25
    On the Prowl RickyUK's Avatar
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Quote Originally Posted by bruce379 View Post
    Then take him aside and chat him up. Ask him out for a drink and spill the beans there. No need for the gay guy.
    Yeah ok. I'll try to be as casual about it as possible.

  26. #26
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Quote Originally Posted by RickyUK View Post
    Reply to Beau:

    Ok. I agree with you that I'm at least starting to get feelings back for him.

    I'd just like to get some things clear: I'm well aware that it'll weird him out even if he's not a homophobe (btw he's not just not a homophobe - he's usually quiet but is a suprisingly loud promoter of gay rights (prob thabks to his gay friend)). Anyway I'm prepared to accept him almost alienating me because our relationship has currently become very awkward anyway. He might even know I have/used to have feelings for him.

    Secondly, I don't want "his cock". I have this great feeling for him but it is hardly sexual. It is romantic infatuation - but obviously unhealthily and obsessively romantic. I just couldn't at all think of him in a sexual way until I was over him... which is weird/interesting.

    Thirdly, if I tell him my (former) feelings and he explicitly rejects me, I won't 'moan' about it (unless he does something else really terrible) because I won't be able to keep dwelling "What if he WAS gay" or "What if I'd said something". And that's what I want.

    Fourthly, I agree that distance from him is the best option. But that doesn't work well when I see him nearly everyday. It worked over the holiday but it came back now I've started seeing him again (but definitely to a lesser extent.)

    Do you generally think it will damage/stress him out though? I mean it's just a (dead) crush to him.

    I like your last sentence Beau. Maybe you're right. But I only want it because at the moment it seems like the best option.
    (emphasis mine)

    See this is the problem. If it's just a "dead crush," why are you obsessing over bringing it up to him? It's dead right? What possible reason therefore could there be to resurrect it and push it on someone else?

    WHY?

    Best option for what? Getting it out of your system? But wait, it's a "dead crush?"

    If you really have this overriding need to tell him, something else is going on. Everything you're saying sounds like a justification for feelings you aren't admitting you have. There is no reason to be obsessing about a straight guy you're no longer crushing on, that you're over, that you feel nothing but friendship for, no reason to tell this guy you DID once have a crush on him, what purpose could that possibly serve? Give him a good chuckle?

    WHY ARE YOU SO DETERMINED TO DO THIS?
    ATTACK OF THE LIBERAL ELITE

  27. #27
    On the Prowl RickyUK's Avatar
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Quote Originally Posted by TX-Beau View Post
    (emphasis mine)

    See this is the problem. If it's just a "dead crush," why are you obsessing over bringing it up to him? It's dead right? What possible reason therefore could there be to resurrect it and push it on someone else?

    WHY?

    Best option for what? Getting it out of your system? But wait, it's a "dead crush?"

    If you really have this overriding need to tell him, something else is going on. Everything you're saying sounds like a justification for feelings you aren't admitting you have. There is no reason to be obsessing about a straight guy you're no longer crushing on, that you're over, that you feel nothing but friendship for, no reason to tell this guy you DID once have a crush on him, what purpose could that possibly serve? Give him a good chuckle?

    WHY ARE YOU SO DETERMINED TO DO THIS?
    Ok good point. I should have explained this better. But I put the 'dead' in brackets because in reality the crush is not completely dead (anymore).
    But to make things less weird for him I'll say that it is completely over, because I think that after I tell him and have no reason to think about it I will be able to get completely rid of this attraction.

  28. #28
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    I think you still have some form of feelings for him and would like to see if there's a chance? If not I don't think you would actually tell him. I know I wouldn't because then I wouldn't care if he would like me too or not.

    But anyway, since you want to tell him, go for it. I doubt it will affect both of you that much. Probably. I mean he has a gay friend, so he wouldn't be so creeped out if you told him you liked him. Probably shocked if he hadn't already known. But it might get a little awkward initially at first though.
    I've been through this with a friend before. So I kinda know how it is, but she was my best friend and I didn't mind it too much because she said it was over... so... yea... your case might be slightly different.

  29. #29
    On the Prowl RickyUK's Avatar
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    Thanks everyone!
    Most of you will be pleased to hear that I've decided not to tell him (unless he brings it up which is unlikely)/
    I was probably going through some stupid weak lonely period for a few weeks but I've ended my feelings for him (again?).

    Anyway thanks for all your advice. If you didn't say something I know I would have told him immediately.

    Cheers

  30. #30
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    Re: Should I tell my friend I love him?

    I'm glad yo came to your senses. Good luck to you.
    ATTACK OF THE LIBERAL ELITE

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