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Thread: Dating a virgin

  1. #1

    Dating a virgin

    So I'm 28 and I recently started seeing this 20 year old guy. We've been on a few dates and he's really cute/we get along well. He told me he was a virgin, which I'm ok with.

    Anyway, today he texted me saying he would love to be my boyfriend and that he would like me to decide if I want to be his boyfriend within 30 days. I think it's really weird that he would give me that kind of deadline.

    I like him but I dunno if I can make that kind of commitment right now since we've only seen each other a few times. I also asked him how he felt about just cuddling with a guy (not sex) and he said he would like to wait at least a few weeks before he did that.

    I want to respect his values but I don't know if I can commit to being his boyfriend right now since I don't even know when or if we'll ever cuddle or have sex (which is kinda important to me). Does it make me an asshole to feel this way?

    I'm also a little bit worried that if we ever have sex, he'll always remember me since I would be his first time. That's a lot of pressure! lol
    Last edited by mcbg22; January 19th, 2014 at 07:52 PM.

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    Re: Dating a virgin

    Quote Originally Posted by mcbg22 View Post
    So I'm 28 and I recently started seeing this 20 year old guy. We've been on a few dates and he's really cute/we get along well. He told me he was a virgin, which I'm ok with.

    Anyway, today he texted me saying he would love to be my boyfriend and that he would like me to decide if I want to be his boyfriend within 30 days. I think it's really weird that he would give me that kind of deadline.

    I like him but I dunno if I can make that kind of commitment right now since we've only seen each other a few times. I also asked him how he felt about just cuddling with a guy (not sex) and he said he would like to wait at least a few weeks before he did that.

    I want to respect his values but I don't know if I can commit to being his boyfriend right now since I don't even know when or if we'll ever cuddle or have sex (which is kinda important to me). Does it make me an asshole to feel this way?

    I'm also a little bit worried that if we ever have sex, he'll always remember me since I would be his first time. That's a lot of pressure! lol
    TBH, this guy sounds a little strange, but it could just be him being an old-fashioned romantic. I would give him the time he needs and see where things go. 30 days isn't that long of a time in the scheme of things and you should both have an idea of each other by that point.

    I would ask him what his definition of boyfriend is though. If it's exclusive and you haven't even had sex yet, you may want to take that into consideration.

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    Re: Dating a virgin

    Nah it doesn't make you an asshole at all IMO. That deadline thing, I remember doing that in 8th grade. And that whole cuddling thing is a bit weird. I personally would never date a virgin, not even hookup with one. And if you have sex with him, he will remember you for a very long time. And he'll want you to be his husband after you guys have sex for the first time. Just let him know how you feel about all of this. And if he can't handle it, move on.
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  4. #4

    Re: Dating a virgin

    Well, the ultimatum he gave you is ridicolous. He is very naive and inexperienced and it is obvious.

    If you like him, keep dating him, but I would straight up tell him that the 30 days deadline is bullcrap.
    I mean it took me 4 months of dating to enter an exclusive relationship with my last boyfriend, and he should understand that some people develop theese bonds more slowly.

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    Re: Dating a virgin

    The Deadline thing seems bit weird, he might consider another on the side, and only seen a few times and askes to be a relationship, overall this seems like a bad idea to be with him if he's giving you a small window.

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    Re: Dating a virgin

    You two seem to need a lot more conversation. I don't think the two of you are compatible. He's saving himself for marriage which puts way too much pressure on both of you. I'd tell him that sexual experience is useful as it's not interchangeable from partner to partner and he needs to have some idea of what he likes and doesn't like, sexually speaking, in a partner.
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  7. #7

    Re: Dating a virgin

    Being a virgin with no practicing skills at relationships, it sounds to me like he has some lofty Disney Princess ideas/fantasy about what he thinks relationship is, and how he thinks they should be. It also seems like he's trying to shoe horn you into some mold in that fantasy.

    I would be worried that it's more the fantasy he's after, and you're just a groom figure on top of the cake.

    He's got a LOT to learn and catching up to do. You guys are at two very separate levels, IMO.
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  8. #8

    Re: Dating a virgin

    I don't date virgins or people younger than 21 for this very reason.

    I think a problem is that he is quite young compared to you. While there's nothing wrong with dating someone younger, this guy is still growing up. I think he wants (or thinks he wants) one thing, while you want something totally different.

    Sounds to me like you two aren't compatible.
    Last edited by Gekishinken; January 27th, 2014 at 09:03 AM.

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    I'm currently dealing with a 21 year old (I'm 28 too). He's not a virgin but there are many maturity issues. It's not easy and takes understanding and patience.

    However, there is a lower end to maturity and it sounds as if your guy is... well, still a child. Personally, I'd never date someone that wouldn't even let me cuddle with him, and I'd never go into a relationship with someone I haven't had sex with.

    Nothing about this makes you an asshole. Physical intimacy is just as important as emotional intimacy, and to deny you that when you need it, is egocentric.

    Tl;dr version - don't. He's too immature and it will end bad.
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    Re: Dating a virgin

    You know funny thing is - even though I am a virgin myself (in every aspect relationship, date, sex kiss everything), I don't think I would want to date a virgin either lol.

    Although it's kinda odd that he wouldn't cuddle with you and the dateline doesn't make sense , I would say this though perhaps from his view (and a virgin's view anyway) - he's looking for something serious for the right guy LTR/ marriage etc. and yeah the pressure of having sex will definitely be there for sure as he will remember it forever/compare. I heard somewhere that people (especially guys) tend to remember their first love (or sex/date) whether straight or gay and yeah first date-instant love wonders don't happen to everyone.

    And agree with people that it doesn't make you an asshole because Physical intimacy is very important as well as emotional intimacy in a relationship.

  11. #11

    Re: Dating a virgin

    I think this guy is just naive and inexperienced. I guess he doesn't realise how the whole relationship thing works. The deadline thing is funny imo. Part of the charm maybe?

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    Re: Dating a virgin

    Quote Originally Posted by mcbg22 View Post
    So I'm 28 and I recently started seeing this 20 year old guy. We've been on a few dates and he's really cute/we get along well. He told me he was a virgin, which I'm ok with.

    Anyway, today he texted me saying he would love to be my boyfriend and that he would like me to decide if I want to be his boyfriend within 30 days. I think it's really weird that he would give me that kind of deadline.

    I like him but I dunno if I can make that kind of commitment right now since we've only seen each other a few times. I also asked him how he felt about just cuddling with a guy (not sex) and he said he would like to wait at least a few weeks before he did that.

    I want to respect his values but I don't know if I can commit to being his boyfriend right now since I don't even know when or if we'll ever cuddle or have sex (which is kinda important to me). Does it make me an asshole to feel this way?

    I'm also a little bit worried that if we ever have sex, he'll always remember me since I would be his first time. That's a lot of pressure! lol
    I've dated young guys before. And this is one reason I'm not too enamored with guys younger than 25.

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    Re: Dating a virgin

    Quote Originally Posted by borg69unimatrix View Post
    Being a virgin with no practicing skills at relationships, it sounds to me like he has some lofty Disney Princess ideas/fantasy about what he thinks relationship is, and how he thinks they should be. It also seems like he's trying to shoe horn you into some mold in that fantasy.

    I would be worried that it's more the fantasy he's after, and you're just a groom figure on top of the cake.

    He's got a LOT to learn and catching up to do. You guys are at two very separate levels, IMO.
    yup, definitely agreed.

    I wouldn't say that the relationship is doomed, but it's probably going to require a lot of patience just because the guy is so inexperienced (and not even sexually, just inexperienced with how dating and building a relationship works)

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    Re: Dating a virgin

    Wow, that deadline really rubbbed me the wrong way. People move at different paces, and when you put two (or more!) humans together, their differences can complicate things. The best thing is to just go with the flow and see where things go rather than consign yourself to arbitrary deadlines. You realize this, but he doesn't seem to be thinking this way.

    I have to applaud his honesty when he told you he wanted to be your boyfriend. At least you know what he (thinks he) wants. However, it seems you two aren't really clear on what that looks like. Hugs? Kisses? Cuddling? Or just the label?

    In my opinion, you can't have the label unless you also have the human interaction and emotion to back it up. Without the latter, the former is meaningless.

    Since he's a virgin, I imagine his relationship experience is also very minimal. That's not necessarily a bad thing - everyone has to start somewhere and start learning along the way. That said, I'd advise you that this may just be a learning experience for him and that things may not last, but they very well might. You know him better than we do.
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    Re: Dating a virgin

    Ok I don't think that it's such a big deal that he's a virgin at 20 I know quite a few and there isn't anything wrong with it. We all were virgins at some point and it isn't very uncommon to stay closeted to many people through high school when a lot of people lose their virginity.

    I think he's just nervous about the relationship thing. I don't think sex should be as glamorized or criminalized as much as it is so I don't think virginity is that big of a deal.

    The deadline thing is a bit odd, but I think he's just nervous and wants to be upfront and not waste time.

    As far as the cuddling thing he needs to get over it, invite him over to your place and watch movies together or something and just hug and work your way into a cuddle. It'll ease him into it and he'll see it isn't that big of a deal

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    Re: Dating a virgin

    Btw this is coming from a 19 year old in college so my point of view is probably closer to his.

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    Re: Dating a virgin

    Nobody said that being a virgin at 20 is a problem O.o
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    Re: Dating a virgin

    Quote Originally Posted by dragon08 View Post
    Btw this is coming from a 19 year old in college so my point of view is probably closer to his.
    i wonder what happens if you let it lapse?

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    Re: Dating a virgin

    This guy is obviously inexperienced in both dating and romance. You are welcome to test the waters with him but it will be quite bumpy.

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    Re: Dating a virgin

    It could be he doesn't want to cuddle because he might think he won't be able to control himself. Just throwing that out there.

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    Re: Dating a virgin

    What do you mean by letting it lapse?

  22. #22

    Re: Dating a virgin

    Thanks for the advice guys. I ended up telling him I wasn't ready to settle down and that I didn't want to waste his time since I knew he was looking for something serious. He said he appreciated my honesty.

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