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  1. #1
    Lascivious Lush altlover85's Avatar
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    Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    I'm sure someone has posted something like this in the past, but it was really bothering me. Robin Roberts came out and anytime you see a news story about someone coming out, there always seem to be people that are like "who cares" or "why is this news?" and it really frustrates me.

    There is the part of me that understands that straight people generally don't have a clue about what it's like to be gay. That they haven't thought about the issues that many of us have dealt with for the majority of our lives. But then even when gays or lesbians try to explain why coming out is so important, it seems that there are many that are bullheaded and just don't get it.

    If being gay was totally accepted then fine, it wouldn't be a big deal, but then we wouldn't have the closet, would we? Gays and lesbians wouldn't have to feel stressed because they would know without a shadow of a doubt that them being gay wouldn't change how they were treated or what others thought of them. But we aren't there and it bothers me that there are some straight people that downplay our struggles.

    Does this bother you too?

    Rant over.

  2. #2
    CE&P Secret Police xbuzzerx's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    I agree with you completely that the (straight) mainstream brushes it off because they don't really have the first idea why it's a big deal. It's very similar to race.

    On the other hand I'd have to say in fairness, that it's very, very infrequent that a celebrity comes out who everyone didn't pretty much already know was gay, often for years. In those cases I can understand an eyeroll when the news then spends a night on it.

  3. #3
    Lascivious Lush altlover85's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Good point, xbuzzerx!

  4. #4
    CE&P Secret Police xbuzzerx's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Quote Originally Posted by altlover85 View Post
    Good point, xbuzzerx!
    Yeah I hate sounding really cynical, it's just that I think that if a news segment did some kind of in-depth with one gay teen or early 20 something coming out, I'd probably feel a lot more moved than ... "xx boy band singer comes out!", because in the latter case I wonder if it's just timed to try to kick up some publicity for an album release or declining media attention. Particularly if we all kinda already knew.

  5. #5
    JUB Addict LeicsDom's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Quote Originally Posted by altlover85 View Post
    I'm sure someone has posted something like this in the past, but it was really bothering me. Robin Roberts came out and anytime you see a news story about someone coming out, there always seem to be people that are like "who cares" or "why is this news?" and it really frustrates me.
    It doesn't bother me but I do understand why it annoys some people.
    It shouldn't be a big thing but it is, purely because we are not a majority.
    Straight people can never appreciate how hard it is for the majority of gay people to come out because they never have to

  6. #6

    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    THANK YOU OP!!!

    I feel the exact same way. I'm sick of hearing "why do you need to come out", "it's no big deal"...or my favorite "If I was gay, I'd just be out. I wouldn't hide it". Yeah. F that.

    It's because they have no clue what our walk of life is. They have the power and privilege of being the sexual majority. They'll never really quite understand what that journey, that statement, even means.

    Even with public figures that we aren't surprised about who do come out, or are outed, it's still a big deal in terms of the media and our representation there...esp. for public figures that are on tv everyday in everyone's homes. Every person counts (even if we think it doesn't matter).
    Last edited by paintact; December 30th, 2013 at 01:29 AM.

  7. #7
    I'm not really a doctor. doctorsun's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    I think what most people miss, even a lot of other gay people, is the importance it has to the person coming out. Of course we all knew Clay Aiken is gay, for example. Him being gay wasn't the news. Him finally admitting it was. No one has the right to dismiss the tremendous struggle that must have been for him.
    No matter how accepted and commonplace homosexuality becomes, the process of coming to terms with one's own sexuality will always be difficult for most people. That inevitable period of confusion we all experienced will never go away. It is tremendously insulting for anyone to diminish the struggle anyone may have getting through that confusion and working toward self-acceptance and gaining the confidence to say it out loud.

  8. #8
    CE&P Secret Police xbuzzerx's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Quote Originally Posted by doctorsun View Post
    I think what most people miss, even a lot of other gay people, is the importance it has to the person coming out. Of course we all knew Clay Aiken is gay, for example. Him being gay wasn't the news. Him finally admitting it was. No one has the right to dismiss the tremendous struggle that must have been for him.
    No matter how accepted and commonplace homosexuality becomes, the process of coming to terms with one's own sexuality will always be difficult for most people. That inevitable period of confusion we all experienced will never go away. It is tremendously insulting for anyone to diminish the struggle anyone may have getting through that confusion and working toward self-acceptance and gaining the confidence to say it out loud.
    For the most part, while of course not always well-meaning within this ignorance, I simply think most straight people don't "get it." Much like white people will never understand being black. At best they'll have enough imagination to empathize with it.

    If however we're talking about judgment over someone's coming out process, that's almost a different topic, because that judgment comes almost entirely from other gay people. Straight people may judge you for being gay, but it's gay people who will judge or harass you based on your out status or your coming out process, not straight people, who barely understand it to begin with, and don't even grasp the need to do it in many cases.

  9. #9
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Yea, that's pretty much it. They don't understand what it's like to be gay. They also think that the person coming out will suddenly become a big flaming stereotype like on TV. Another thing that irritates me is when they say things like "But what about straight rights?!" when opposing things like gay marriage.

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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    For celebrities it might not be, they have position and money and can be what ever they want.

    I came out to an old friend this year, we were both 14 when we met, he is not a typical person in as much as he has an I.Q. in the top 1
    percentile, he is the co owner of a large company and is likely a millionaire.

    He let me know that we were "fine" and added that being gay is self taught in his opinion and that no one was going to "shove it down his throat". That was the last time we spoke.

    Anyone who says it's no big deal is not living in the same world that I am in.

  11. #11
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    omfg! I was just thinking about this very thing earlier today while reading about Roberts. Yes, it bothers me...mainly because some straights can't be bothered to even TRY to understand.

    I've just come to accept that some of them are just seriously so far removed from what gay people have to deal with that they cannot even begin to understand why things are the way they are. They really take for granted how much less complicated it can be being part of the majority. usually, the people who make such statements are already ignorant (homophobic) to some degree, and you can tell underneath their veiled comments that they are the types who want us to keep what we do "behind closed doors".

    why do they have to announce it to the world? I don't want to know about gays' private lives!

    ...and the BEST one...

    why do they have to shove it down our throats!????

    I just want to give them a firm slap directly in their fucking face, followed by an order for them to shut the fuck up and have several seats.

    It's just one example of how privileged straights are without even realizing it. They want to tell us that we're shoving our "lifestyles" down their throats...yet they DO IT EACH AND EVERY FUCKING DAY to us. You can barely walk out your front door without being reminded that heterosexuality is the norm (i prefer the word common). They announce their heterosexuality at work, school, in the grocery store when they walk hand in hand with their husbands/boyfriends/wives/etc. or have pictures of them on their desks at work, etc. etc. The examples go on.

    I try my best to remind them of this when they start their spill(s), but I'm not always successful.

    I even seen a few "witty' types announce that they are straight, like it was supposed to be "cute". Yes, it may seem a bit much that the media makes a huge deal out of people coming out (especially celebrities), but seeing as how gays are still trying to climb our way up into acceptance...it is a big deal. It's a reminder that there are many of us out here...we are your family, your friends, your "idols", your mentors, etc. Gays are everywhere...and the more open and out we make ourselves, the better it will be for us in the long run.

    Anyway...I know I'm preaching to the choir. sorry for the rant--but this is a very sensitive subject for me, and it pisses me off to no end. I just can't with the asshatery.
    I weave for you, the marvelous web. glow in the dark threads...all neon like.

  12. #12
    Oranje rareboy's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    I'm not thinking that most of america was that surprised to find out that Robin is a vagitarian.....

  13. #13
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Quote Originally Posted by Gentleheart View Post
    omfg! I was just thinking about this very thing earlier today while reading about Roberts. Yes, it bothers me...mainly because some straights can't be bothered to even TRY to understand.'
    Don't judge a man till you have walked two moons in his moccasins.

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  14. #14
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    In some areas, in some families, coming out really IS no big deal. I've talked to plenty of teens who grew up in liberal/accepting envirinments, with gay uncles or gay neighbors and supportive parents. Many of them came out in their early teens, and weren't even the first ones in their friend-group to do so. In evironments like this, yeah, it'd be comparatively easy to make that step. But even these people expressed having doubts ("Am I sure?"), and worrying slightly if maybe their parents' support was more in the abstract. Luckily, for the most part, things turn out fairly smoothly. And of course, those are the fortunate ones. For most of us, there was less acceptance around, fewer gay role models, more negativity. Which makes the coming-out process all the harder.

    In cases like Robin's, sure - many might have suspected or guessed. But that doesn't make the process any easier. Because they've lived the lie (or "kept their private life private", if you'd rather) "successfully" for years. Ask anybody who has built up a coping mechanism for dealing with their own specific reality to "oh, just be yourself" after a couple decades, and see how comfortable they are with the idea.

    Lex

  15. #15
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Like Lex said, the ease or difficulty in coming out doesn't change the fact that it's an important process, and, like many here said, a process that straight people just don't "get", or not entirely. As Gentleheart said, they don't understand the significance of being able to put their spouse's photo on their desk at work, or more importantly, how it feels to leave it in the drawer.

    I've managed to convey some of this to my partner -- after many years as a lesbian, I got involved with men -- and he understands to some degree. As a straight (relatively), white, Christian (ex), male, he might never truly understand, but he treats my experiences and feelings with respect. We don't tell most neighbors we're kinky and atheist, so he gets the hiding part, but I think those things are very different from having a same-sex life partner.

    More info here. Free copies by request.

  16. #16
    JUB Addict journo25's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    I'm surprised to read all the posts on Facebook today from straight people saying it's no big deal. If only that were true among mainstream America.

    Most straights don't spend time speculating about the sexual orientation of various celebrities and public figures. Robin Roberts is universally admired. I hope her coming out about her girlfriend of 10 years will lead people to think, "Hmm... I've always liked her although I didn't know she was a lesbian. Do I like her any less today than I did yesterday?" If the answer is "no," then she becomes one more person viewers feel they know, who P.S. also happens to be gay. If Robin demystifies that for some people, and takes the fear out of knowing gay folks, then her coming out and perhaps stating the obvious was a good thing... at whatever time she chose to do it.

    Any time is a good time to come out.

  17. #17
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    And to reiterate a point, I'm happy that for some people, it IS no big deal to them, and that they don't care about the sexualities of famous people. It's sure as hell better than drumming them out of their gig because of their sexuality.

    Lex

  18. #18
    CE&P Secret Police xbuzzerx's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Quote Originally Posted by G-Lexington View Post
    In some areas, in some families, coming out really IS no big deal. I've talked to plenty of teens who grew up in liberal/accepting envirinments, with gay uncles or gay neighbors and supportive parents. Many of them came out in their early teens, and weren't even the first ones in their friend-group to do so. In evironments like this, yeah, it'd be comparatively easy to make that step. But even these people expressed having doubts ("Am I sure?"), and worrying slightly if maybe their parents' support was more in the abstract. Luckily, for the most part, things turn out fairly smoothly. And of course, those are the fortunate ones. For most of us, there was less acceptance around, fewer gay role models, more negativity. Which makes the coming-out process all the harder.

    In cases like Robin's, sure - many might have suspected or guessed. But that doesn't make the process any easier. Because they've lived the lie (or "kept their private life private", if you'd rather) "successfully" for years. Ask anybody who has built up a coping mechanism for dealing with their own specific reality to "oh, just be yourself" after a couple decades, and see how comfortable they are with the idea.

    Lex
    I think the reason why it's a little harder for me to extend in all cases the same assumption of the same difficult struggle is because even though I was never "in" the entertainment industry, I've lived most of my life as a (geographically) very close secondhand observer of it, and when you hear constant stories that so-and-so was always fairly openly gay or known for gay parties and such beforehand, and suddenly has a career spike, and picks up an agent, and is suddenly "straight" or "available" or a "bachelor" because they're on the cover of teenie-bopper magazines, and goes through a series of photo-op only relationships with other actresses, and then, years later when their career flags, suddenly "comes out", it's hard to not be cynical that a lot of these are not culminations of long, sincere personal struggles rather than career moves.

    Also, the media does definitely take advantage of the topic in slow news cycles, sometimes "outing" people who never considered themselves not out in the first place-- like George Takei, who the very first thing he said after his big "coming out" performed for him by the media was that he'd never been in the closet and he had nothing to do with them suddenly deciding to do some big story about it all of a sudden. Hell he'd been with his current partner for decades iirc.

    Which is why I said earlier I think I'd be more moved seeing a news segment about a random kid than about a celeb coming out. Less to be cynical about. There's a lot of insincerity surrounding who the media chooses to cover and when a celebrity may decide it's advantageous to come out for their publicity or career. I think it's naive for people to say this is a sacred, holy struggle for everyone in exactly the same way and that it's always wrong to question it. Especially when someone is in a position of profiting off of a sudden burst of publicity due to their profession.
    Last edited by xbuzzerx; December 30th, 2013 at 11:51 AM.

  19. #19

    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Quote Originally Posted by chrisrobin View Post
    Don't judge a man till you have walked two moons in his moccasins.
    Two moons? Is that like two nights or do you mean two full moons?

  20. #20
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    It wasnt this situation in particular but my boyfriend and I had a long discussion at a diner last night on how straight people really dont get it.

    It came about because someone on facebook was telling me to stop being so "sensitive" about the whole duck dynasty thing.

    It tends to annoy me a lot when people say I shouldn't let these things bother me, but it is so easy to say that when you dont have to actually deal with these issues.

  21. #21
    The old familiar sting blackbeltninja's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    I'm in two minds about this as well.

    On one hand, I wish it really were no big deal. Why should anyone coming out be news? Ideally, the response would be "...oh, okay." and that would be that. I tried this approach with my friends and family, saying "look it's no big deal. I mean, it's important to me that you know, and if you want to ask questions or anything please do, but I don't expect any of you to make a big production out of it or it to dominate the conversation for the next x-many months." The duration of the reaction varied, though, so I can't say I was hugely successful in my attempts to down-play it.

    On the other hand, it is a big thing for us, and it would be nice for people to understand that it is something which really needs courage and fortitude and that for some of us it is a big gamble which could literally cost them everything.

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  22. #22
    JUB Addict Gentleheart's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    two quotes from a "conversation" I had with some people on a fb article.

    At least straight people don't run around saying , I TOOK IT UP THE BUTT , WOOOOOOOOOO
    yes, a grown woman actually posted that.


    We don't have heterosexual pride rallys, parades and fly flags that represent our gender either. Why cant you have your photos on Facebook, your pictures on your desk? If you are getting ridiculed then you don't have the right friends. Acting a peculiar way will always get you noticed. Separating yourself to look or act different will always create a stir if you are gay or straight.

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  23. #23
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Yes, I love the accusation that we are separating ourselves from them.

  24. #24
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Quote Originally Posted by Gentleheart View Post
    omfg! I was just thinking about this very thing earlier today while reading about Roberts. Yes, it bothers me...mainly because some straights can't be bothered to even TRY to understand.

    I've just come to accept that some of them are just seriously so far removed from what gay people have to deal with that they cannot even begin to understand why things are the way they are. They really take for granted how much less complicated it can be being part of the majority. usually, the people who make such statements are already ignorant (homophobic) to some degree, and you can tell underneath their veiled comments that they are the types who want us to keep what we do "behind closed doors".

    why do they have to announce it to the world? I don't want to know about gays' private lives!

    ...and the BEST one...

    why do they have to shove it down our throats!????

    I just want to give them a firm slap directly in their fucking face, followed by an order for them to shut the fuck up and have several seats.

    It's just one example of how privileged straights are without even realizing it. They want to tell us that we're shoving our "lifestyles" down their throats...yet they DO IT EACH AND EVERY FUCKING DAY to us. You can barely walk out your front door without being reminded that heterosexuality is the norm (i prefer the word common). They announce their heterosexuality at work, school, in the grocery store when they walk hand in hand with their husbands/boyfriends/wives/etc. or have pictures of them on their desks at work, etc. etc. The examples go on.

    I try my best to remind them of this when they start their spill(s), but I'm not always successful.

    I even seen a few "witty' types announce that they are straight, like it was supposed to be "cute". Yes, it may seem a bit much that the media makes a huge deal out of people coming out (especially celebrities), but seeing as how gays are still trying to climb our way up into acceptance...it is a big deal. It's a reminder that there are many of us out here...we are your family, your friends, your "idols", your mentors, etc. Gays are everywhere...and the more open and out we make ourselves, the better it will be for us in the long run.

    Anyway...I know I'm preaching to the choir. sorry for the rant--but this is a very sensitive subject for me, and it pisses me off to no end. I just can't with the asshatery.
    Well, what the hell is stopping you from expressing the fact that you're gay by holding hands with your lover, putting pictures of him on your desk? It's not like people are outright FORBIDDING you from doing it. And if people have a problem with it, fuck what they think.

  25. #25
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Quote Originally Posted by xboxfan34 View Post
    Well, what the hell is stopping you from expressing the fact that you're gay by holding hands with your lover, putting pictures of him on your desk? It's not like people are outright FORBIDDING you from doing it. And if people have a problem with it, fuck what they think.
    For me it is not that I care about what anyone thinks, more-so that I am tired of the looks, things said and all that. And the fact that these people think it is so easy to be this way in a society that is bred to be homophobic.

  26. #26
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Quote Originally Posted by xboxfan34 View Post
    Well, what the hell is stopping you from expressing the fact that you're gay by holding hands with your lover, putting pictures of him on your desk? It's not like people are outright FORBIDDING you from doing it. And if people have a problem with it, fuck what they think.
    Well, nothing is 'stopping' me.

    I actually have the attitude YOU have about it, but not all of our gay brothers and sisters have the same mindset. While they may not feel like the straight people around them are outright forbidding them, they may be afraid of the consequences and repercussions that result in being open about who they are. Lets not pretend discrimination of that sort doesn't happen. Hell, there aren't even laws against it in some places.

    Don't let my passion for this topic make you assume that I'm not fearless when it comes to being who I am. Even still, I have enough sense to know (and understand) why others are not in the same place.

    I also sense some attitude in your post--please redirect that somewhere else.
    Last edited by Gentleheart; January 3rd, 2014 at 11:11 AM.
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    CE&P Secret Police xbuzzerx's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Quote Originally Posted by xboxfan34 View Post
    Well, what the hell is stopping you from expressing the fact that you're gay by holding hands with your lover, putting pictures of him on your desk? It's not like people are outright FORBIDDING you from doing it. And if people have a problem with it, fuck what they think.
    Bigoted attitudes from people (like that any "sign" of your sexuality is "forcing it at them", when you see their wedding rings and hear about their love lives all the time) are not made okay by virtue of the fact that "you can ignore the bigoted attitude and be open anyway and deal with their attitude about it."

  28. #28

    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Very similar to how straight people mention their wives or husbands all the time, but as soon as we say "my boyfriend" they would accuse us of flaunting our sexuality in their faces.

  29. #29
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Quote Originally Posted by zombiekiller View Post
    Very similar to how straight people mention their wives or husbands all the time, but as soon as we say "my boyfriend" they would accuse us of flaunting our sexuality in their faces.
    That's normalization for you. They assume their sexuality goes without saying, it's normal. It's when you draw attention to yours being different that you've "pushed the topic." Race works exactly the same way. I'm sure every single person here has heard, many times, "why they always gotta bring race into it..." In western societies only white people and straight people can just "not think about race or sexuality" if they want to.

  30. #30
    JUB Addict Harke the Boeotarch's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Quote Originally Posted by pat grimshaw View Post
    Two moons? Is that like two nights or do you mean two full moons?
    The palefaces call them "months" for some reason...

  31. #31
    Lions&Tigers&Bears Oh My!
    eastofeden's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    Straight people saying coming out is no big deal
    Yeah...and neither is your fucking newborn baby and the goddamn wedding I was forced to hear about and....well..

    Having said that...being gay is a non issue for me....I have other issues though and I know how hard it is to come to terms with certain things...my sexuality just isn't one of them.....and I don't give a rats ass what anyone thinks about my sexuality which is why it took me a few minutes after realizing I was gay to announce it...and I was done.

    I gave it a quick analysis when I was young and made up my mind that I would strive for equality under the law...that once meant fighting for gay teachers being able to keep their jobs and equal protection from the police....I don't ask for or even want approval or acceptance from anyone because I don't want to pay the price which is approving and accepting of other people.

  32. #32
    Civis Americanus Sum Alnitak's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    They just don't get it because straight people have never had to come out to fit in with their sexuality or have people like them to connect to. They also don't understand why having public figures is important to us, i.e. the effect celebrity comings out have on reinforcing cultural acceptance or even just discussing them at all. Having celebrity coming out stories is especially important for gay youth who feel isolated as though they are the only ones like them in the world and desperate to know they are not.

    Quote Originally Posted by eastofeden View Post
    ...being gay is a non issue for me....I have other issues
    We know.
    Last edited by Alnitak; January 3rd, 2014 at 11:56 AM.

  33. #33
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: Straight people saying coming out is no big deal

    I wonder if it depends where and when you live and where and when you come out.

    I came out at 22, and I met 40 and 50 year olds who said things like, "Wow, I can't believe how easy it is for you young guys to come out these days. I only came out to myself when I was 35, and I knew only one guy who was out to the world, and it was tough for him. You can't even imagine the shit he went through." You'd meet 70 year olds who would say "My whole life was a lie until my wife died. Do you know how it makes me feel to say that?"

    Then when I was 29 I met 17 year olds and 16 year olds who were giving speeches about coming out in high school, and I said "Wow, I can't believe how easy it is for you young guys to come out these days....You can't even imagine the shit we went through..."

    So it kind of seemed like the trend was going in the right direction. Now that I'm 40 and everyone I know in the real world has had full rights for over a decade, it almost feels like it's safe to assume this is no longer an issue. Of course reality gives you a wake-up call when you see stories from kids getting kicked out and assholes spewing their garbage. But given what it was like 20 years ago already seeming like progress, and given that we've made progress since then, it's easy to get lulled into thinking "Everything must be fine by now???!!!"

    I know that's not everyone's reality but it does explain where that kind of idea comes from, even among gay people.

    And in some ways it's not just delusional but actually true. I'm free to put up pictures of me and my guy at my desk. We didn't have to have an intervention or sensitivity training because of it. It really was no big deal.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

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