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  1. #1
    JUB Addict erobert's Avatar
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    Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    Can anyone relate to this? Sometimes I think people (both men and women) are being too picky; they set unrealistic standards and have deal breakers that shouldn't be deal breakers for potential dates. There's a lot of great guys out there being overlooked.

    It's important to be with someone you want to actually be with also important is not to set up self sabotaging barriers for a fulfilling relationship. I recently called myself out on this since I noticed I was compiling a laundry list of things “Mr Right” should be, what he should look like, etc...

    I noticed this ideal guy was based off of attributes from my former BF, he's very well educated, has a great stable job (despite the economy being in the dumps) and has physical characteristics based off of unrealistic marketing images of models, porn stars and guys I had crushes on back in college and HS... Essentially '”my type'” of guy for an ideal relationship is a very small segment of the single gay population in NYC; maybe a bit more if you include bi's but still a tiny percentage of guys and nearly impossible to find or even hiding in the closet. I think a lot of guys are also looking for Mr Impossible to find also which leads to them turning away good matches for them (some of the answers to questions on OKCupid are quite revealing about how ridiculous standards can get.

    But if you do find him will he even want to be with you? Or even be interested in you? Getting a general idea of the available gay guys for potential dates at dating sites, very few of them hit every bullet point on my list which is to be expected since no one's perfect anyway.

    Also, making things difficult is I see a lot of guys doing this, mostly with physical appearances. It seems almost everyone is going after or seeking a guy who looks like an A&F model who makes 6 figures a year- and they need to be a porn star in bed. Something's gotta give otherwise you're setting yourself up for disappointment before you even start dating or you'll sabotage the relationship when you realize he's not perfect. I'm starting to see now why a lot of guys are single and frustrated since they can't find anyone who matches their ideals for Mr Right.

  2. #2
    DragononFire
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    Welcome to 2013, where fake is reality and reality is fake. Plastic people with jello minds and attitudes shadier than a black valance on a hot summer day.

  3. #3
    Virgin mypropeller's Avatar
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    I can relate completely. It's a big block on my sex life, but I just can't get involved with people that don't meet the 'standards' I have in my head. Obviously, that's why dry spells happen.

    I suppose that's the bad side of my personality.

  4. #4
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    i generally wont hookup with someone unless they are a 7 or higher (IMO, obviously its subjective). dating has to be an 8 min. i still manage well enough; but absolutely would do better if i didnt require guys to be to such standards.
    the other side of that argument is, why settle?

  5. #5
    Lions&Tigers&Bears Oh My!
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    My list was easy...sorta...been years now as I was successful

    ...How does he drive? If he tailgates..weaves in and out of traffic...drives way too fast in relation to the other traffic...he has no appreciation for anyone else's life and only thinks of what he needs. When the accident happen...he will probably make everyone else responsible for his recklessness...UGH. I hate those guys....and I am not compatible with them at all. If someone has that little regard for other people they are surely not going to have nay for me as well.....I think they way someone drives is very revealing.

    ...Is he jealous? If so...he can keep walking. I am not going to ever go there again with anyone...and I am dead serious about that. If you are insecure we will never be compatible. I allowed a guy once to almost islolate me and control every one of my friendships...NEVER AGAIN

    ...I won't lie to spare his feelings and if he lies...I am done. You can "cheat" on me and I will forgive you...but don't ever lie to me about it.

    ...If the guy ever ridicules anyone because of their appearance or says anyone else is ugly based on the way they were born...we are done. I have lost interest in more men for this one thing than all the other reasons combined.

    My deal breakers seem easy but it was actually hard to find someone to meet these requirements.

  6. #6
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    I'm not sure I believe there's such a thing as "too picky" when considering someone I plan on possibly being in a relationship with. Then again, I'm never one to bitch about being single. I guess if you want it desperately and it doesn't seem to be happening, you might have to loosen your standards.

    Not my style, though.

  7. #7

    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    Loneliness is a high price to pay for independence





  8. #8
    Young at Heart ravenstar's Avatar
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    I was talking to a friend about this topic. We were discussing those chat apps like Grindr and he made the comment "ah yes, all those 3's willing to settle for a perfect 10." I laughed at the time because it wasn't something I expected him to say. But he's pretty accurate really. Everyone wants Prince Charming in shining Armour, with the perfect photoshopped body. My taste is slightly askew when it comes to guys, but I'm was just as guilty of writing someone off because they didn't fit my ideal when I was younger.

  9. #9

    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    If you're going to spend your life waiting for a perfect guy, you're going to spend your life alone.

  10. #10
    JUB Addict Gentleheart's Avatar
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    yep...the more 'standards' people set, the harder they make it for themselves to find a potential mate. And being gay men...setting standards makes it that much more difficult.

    that's why it's important to recognize what is important in a mate on a deeper level, in relation to the rest of the bs that isn't really that important (the superficial stuff). No one will be perfect. Close, perhaps...but there will always be something that didn't fit your dream scenario.
    I weave for you, the marvelous web. glow in the dark threads...all neon like.

  11. #11
    JUB Addict Gentleheart's Avatar
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    Quote Originally Posted by njcollegekid View Post
    i generally wont hookup with someone unless they are a 7 or higher (IMO, obviously its subjective). dating has to be an 8 min. i still manage well enough; but absolutely would do better if i didnt require guys to be to such standards.
    the other side of that argument is, why settle?
    And I would love to see what you look like, Mr. 7 or Higher...8 minimum.
    I weave for you, the marvelous web. glow in the dark threads...all neon like.

  12. #12
    In Heat............ BENDERBOY's Avatar
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    Just go out and have some fun with different cocks.

    Too drunk to read the OP.
    "You may only be one person to the world, but you may also be the world to one person"
    - anonymous quote.

  13. #13
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    My only criteria, "I'm horny, you're horny, let's fuck"

    Worked out for me.

  14. #14
    Are u haleloo ya ? Telstra's Avatar
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    My standards are quite low .....


    NEVER LISTEN TO A ONE SIDED STORY AND JUDGE.

  15. #15
    DragononFire
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    Quote Originally Posted by backagain View Post
    My only criteria, "I'm horny, you're horny, let's fuck"

    Worked out for me.
    Because that is not dating, ya one-track dimwit

  16. #16
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    Quote Originally Posted by DragononFire View Post
    Because that is not dating, ya one-track dimwit
    No, that does not work for you.

    That is all it means.

  17. #17
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    I have my own standards that aren't mainstream, but even I have found that I need to relax them, especially when it comes to physical qualities. With that said, I think sometimes great guys will surprise you by having qualities that you end up liking that may have never been on your radar in the first place.

  18. #18
    I need water Kabluey's Avatar
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    Exactly when in the process do people who keep score start to keep score? How long does it take ticking things off before a potential partner fits in to a yes or no box?
    Blah blah blah, something enigmatic sounding...

  19. #19

    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    At the moment I have high standards that seem to be hard for anyone to match.

    But unless you NEED to be in a relationship Im not sure you need to "settle". Perhaps reexamine what those standards are and if they're appropriate.

    Personally I'm pretty happy with my "requirements". They fit my life for where it is at the moment.

  20. #20

    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    Quote Originally Posted by eastofeden View Post

    ...If the guy ever ridicules anyone because of their appearance or says anyone else is ugly based on the way they were born...we are done. I have lost interest in more men for this one thing than all the other reasons combined.

    My deal breakers seem easy but it was actually hard to find someone to meet these requirements.
    I like how you put that! This is such a turn off, even for "friends", let alone a partner.

    Mmmm I think I set my standards too high.
    I think it has to do with
    1) a certain angst to open up and date. If noone is good enough, you never have to actually do it
    2) the online aspect of it. If you meet people in real life, you have that instant first impression, which can attract you to (objectively) not that attractive people. Online, that seems to be much harder. Every profile is like a synopsis of someone. It's not a first impression, it's like a spoiler

  21. #21
    JUB Addict Harke the Boeotarch's Avatar
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    My motto is: "Fuck first, ask questions later.".

    Have the sex and work from there... or not.
    Last edited by Harke the Boeotarch; December 24th, 2013 at 06:27 AM.

  22. #22
    JUB Addict MMMonsterBoy's Avatar
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    I'm less picky about physical appearance (though I do have a type), but there is a lot missing from online pictures! Sometimes a 6/10 online can be a 9/10 based on his mannerisms and whatnot. Sometimes the opposite can come true, which has happened to me more than once.

    I do think people with extremely superficial pickiness will be forever lonely. You shouldn't settle for less than you deserve, but that's when you have to establish what you are worth. Do you really deserve a gentleman? Are you even one yourself? Do you deserve a model with abs? Do you even go to the gym?

  23. #23
    Elderhostile Gay Dejavudoo's Avatar
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    I've fallen for so many guys, I cannot imagine that there is a list, but reading EastofEden's, I agree. I must be culling the selfish. If a guy drives like a dick, I do believe it reflects a huge lack of understanding and compassion.

    There are lots of nice guys out there. I'm looking for one who like me in return.
    There are TWO kinds of people in the world -- the kind who believe there are two kinds of people, and the kind who don't.

  24. #24
    JUB Addict darden's Avatar
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    to a certain extent, dating is a numbers game... the more guys you meet, the more likely you'll meet a guy you have a connection with.

    as such, my threshold to meet a guy for a beer or go out on a first date is pretty low. sure, most of those dates go nowhere, but I've generally found that when I meet a guy I've got real chemistry with, most of the factors that might be on my "wish list" suddenly don't really matter.

  25. #25
    JUB Addict Gentleheart's Avatar
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    I don't see anything wrong with having preferences/being picky/etc.

    but at the same time, you lose your right to bitch and moan about how "hard it is to find a man", etc. No one should have to "settle", but you should be self aware enough to know when you have unrealistic expectations...especially when you yourself aren't the definition of Prince Charming.
    Last edited by Gentleheart; December 24th, 2013 at 08:14 AM.
    I weave for you, the marvelous web. glow in the dark threads...all neon like.

  26. #26
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    Quote Originally Posted by Gentleheart View Post
    I don't see anything wrong with having preferences/being picky/etc.

    but at the same time, you lose your right to bitch and moan about how "hard it is to find a man", etc. No one should have to "settle", but you should be self aware enough to know when you have unrealistic expectations...especially when you yourself aren't the definition of Prince Charming.
    ...or Princess Charming

  27. #27
    JUB Addict darden's Avatar
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    Quote Originally Posted by Gentleheart View Post
    I don't see anything wrong with having preferences/being picky/etc.

    but at the same time, you lose your right to bitch and moan about how "hard it is to find a man", etc. No one should have to "settle", but you should be self aware enough to know when you have realistic expectations...especially when you yourself aren't the definition of Prince Charming.
    totally agree.

    drives me crazy when I hear friends whining about being single when I know they've got ridiculously high standards and have rejected guys/girls for pretty minor things.

    on the other hand, if you're single and loving it, have as high a set of standards as you want. there's no real downside if you don't mind severely restricting your dating/sex pool.

  28. #28
    Formulas Fatal to Flesh.
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    I'd rather choose to be single than settle for dating a man with a "dime" body and an IQ to match.

    I don't have the illusion of Mr. Right when the topic of the day is always how big are you, how masculine are you, and how bored you happen to be.

    If the standard of you being interesting enough to talk to, not wrapped all up in yourself, and being able to do things because you like them and not because others won't "suspect" you is too high, then fuck it.
    Last edited by MoufOfKhaos; December 24th, 2013 at 08:41 AM.

  29. #29
    The gay gargoyle
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    GH more or less said it. You can put any qualifications you want on your potential dates, consciously or unconsciously. I know one guy who swore he was only attracted to extremely-muscular, hyper-masculine, hot guys with brilliant fashion sense and impeccable manners. And I had no problem with that. And the guy himself was a rather overweight guy who wore T-shirts every day and played video games most of the day. And I had no trouble with that. And he kept bemoaning that these (very few) well-bred, well-muscled guys couldn't bother to look past his rather coarse exterior to see the wonderful person he was inside.

    ...that I had trouble with.

    Lex

  30. #30

    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    Quote Originally Posted by Gentleheart View Post
    I don't see anything wrong with having preferences/being picky/etc.

    but at the same time, you lose your right to bitch and moan about how "hard it is to find a man", etc. No one should have to "settle", but you should be self aware enough to know when you have unrealistic expectations...especially when you yourself aren't the definition of Prince Charming.
    Agreed. I hate hearing whining about "I can't find a man". Worst form of self pity ever.

  31. #31

    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    I am actually not a big fan of formal dating because it is too high pressure and causes people to be too picky. I prefer to just hang out with a guy and be friends and let it go from there. You will overlook all that fault finding.
    Last edited by RalphQ; December 24th, 2013 at 11:50 PM.

  32. #32
    CE&P Secret Police xbuzzerx's Avatar
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    Quote Originally Posted by darden View Post
    totally agree.

    drives me crazy when I hear friends whining about being single when I know they've got ridiculously high standards and have rejected guys/girls for pretty minor things.

    on the other hand, if you're single and loving it, have as high a set of standards as you want. there's no real downside if you don't mind severely restricting your dating/sex pool.
    I think it's worth bearing in mind though that high standards aren't this amorphous thing only a certain clique of people ever have. We all do it in some ways. There are always things we think we're better at or do better than other people, even if we only just think it. And I wouldn't believe there's a relationship out there where both partners don't have things they feel the other partner is much less than perfect on compared to themselves.

    I think part of growing up as far as romance goes is accepting that expectations are not going to be met on everything and that that's both ways, and a lot of it is about compromise and deciding what balance of less than perfect and just what you want works well.

    When I see someone who can very very energetically list off a lot of things they'd NEVER tolerate or "he does this? Nuh uh you drop him right away", I see them as romantically immature. They can have that little rulebook but they're not going to last very long with anyone.

  33. #33
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: Being Too Picky with Potential Dates

    On the subject of being too picky because you want someone who is a 7 or 8, even when you're not close to that...

    I've met plenty of folks who, for whatever reason, consistently dated folks who were "outside of their league," at least when it came to the looks. Some people just have it like that.

    There are plenty of really attractive guys--guys who are much better looking than myself--who wouldn't get a second look from me--because they're not what I personally am attracted to, even though I'm told I should feel "lucky" even if I got their attention.

    My thoughts are simple: Either my dick stands up or it doesn't. I'm attracted to a guy or I'm not. I can't suddenly pretend to be interested in something just because it's available. That sounds like a horrible way to pursue a relationship. So when the subject of being too picky comes up, I'm always confused. At what point do you make a conscious decision to be attracted to someone that you aren't?

    I can't imagine going into a date with someone I'm not attracted to in hopes that he'll eventually be the one. I'd rather stay single and take myself out to a nice dinner by myself or go shopping.

    Guy I've been talking to for years (I've mentioned him at least once here), is beautiful in ways I'll never be. Definitely an "out of my league," situation and I'm very attracted to him, and (for whatever reason) he's attracted to me as well. Were it not for the fact that I live in New York and he in London, maybe something would happen. And if something ever does, well, I won't be mad at myself for being so "picky" throughout much of my life.

    Actually, even if nothing happens, I won't be mad.
    Last edited by TheSpectatingLoner; December 25th, 2013 at 08:53 AM.

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