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  1. #1
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Are You Single At Heart?

    Just came across this article which was written years ago, but just recently started in my Google searches: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...u-single-heart

    I love this article (and the woman for the following reasons)


    1.) It is fucking AWESOME that a writer for a well known Psychology Magazine has taken plenty of time to write about her solitude.

    2.) I love what she has to say. A lot of time I write about being single and people interpret it as some dark, negative, "oh woe is me" moment, when it's not something negative. It's just a thing.

    People also tend to make it into something soulless and superficial--an excuse to sleep around. Truth is, even if I had a low sex drive, that has no bearing on my desire to couple with anyone.

    Folks have also said I contradict myself for saying I'm not the dating type, even though I would open myself to it for the right person. But there will always be a difference between someone who aspires to be coupled and someone who does not.



    To be single at heart, I think, means that you see yourself as single. Your life may or may not include the occasional romantic relationship, and you may or may not live alone or want to live alone, but you don't aspire to live as part of a couple (married or otherwise) for the long term.

    You can be single at heart regardless of your actual status as single or coupled. Similarly, you can be a coupled at heart regardless of whether you really are coupled at the moment.
    For those who have ever wondered, check out the questions and see how you stack up.

    I might just buy a book by the writer. I'm so captivated by what she has to say. A mix of her research and experience are a rarity.

  2. #2
    JUB Addict umjreon88's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Single at heart, single in reality. Don't really think I'm the type to settle, though I used to have all these hopes and dreams about being with one person for the rest of my life (still standing)...
    "... You think the only people who are people
    Are the people who look and think like you ..." - Colours of the Wind by Vanessa Williams

  3. #3
    JUB Addict m1thousand's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    I don't mind being single though there are times when being with someone would be nice.

  4. #4
    The gay gargoyle
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Some people are just born to be independent. I probably could be Single For Life, but I'm enjoying my relationship.

    Lex

  5. #5
    Rambunctiously Pugnacious JayHawk's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    I get your point. People have to define things and then rate themselves it seems, we cant simply just be happy. The same applies to single or relationship. Both have merits.

    I think people set themselves up by establishing qualities that they self define as successful. There is a thin line but I believe it is much more healthy to have standards for how you live your life and then let the rest just happen. It is going to happen anyway.

    Deep thoughts with Jack Handy
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  6. #6
    JUB Addict Audio Tech's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    I'm totally single at heart. I don't mind at all. It gives me freedom and control over my own life that I truly enjoy.

  7. #7
    The nice guy from Nice. dpnice's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Interesting article. The first time that I have seen my personal philosophy put into printed words. Every statement she makes I do, in fact, apply to my own life.

    I have taken it to an extreme in that I am now a total recluse only emerging from my nest when I decide it is necessary or will provide me with some form of pleasure.

    But I am certain that the true "single at heart" are fewer than she gives the impression; in my opinion people are not geared to living alone, are incapable of living a single life without becoming either ego-centric or extremely selfish.

    What I would like is all those, due to whatever reasons, find themselves living alone apply her reasoning to improve their own lives and come to accept that being alone does not necessarily equate with being lonely, depressed or miserable. But rather an opportunity to fulfil yourself according to your own personal needs rather than those involving a second person.
    http://justusboys.com/forum/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=72786&dateline=115443  2352

  8. #8
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Quote Originally Posted by dpnice View Post
    in my opinion people are not geared to living alone, are incapable of living a single life without becoming either ego-centric or extremely selfish.
    OUCH! That's harsh. And kind of a negative way to look at people.

  9. #9
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Quote Originally Posted by JayHawk View Post
    I get your point. People have to define things and then rate themselves it seems, we cant simply just be happy.
    I don't think discussing or making self-discoveries about yourself comes from a need to "rate" or "define" yourself. I think it's a natural thing that happens.

    In my case, specifically, even though I could be open to dating if I met the right person, I emphasize that I'm not the dating type because my lack of a relationship and/or lack of determination to be in one at any point in life is always seen by others as something "wrong" or "missing." I like folks to know that for me lack of ever being in a relationships is nothing missing--relationships are just an optional quality for me, not something that has to happen.
    Last edited by TheSpectatingLoner; November 21st, 2013 at 07:50 AM.

  10. #10
    JUB Addict Harke the Boeotarch's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    [Accidental double post. Sorry]
    Last edited by Harke the Boeotarch; November 21st, 2013 at 09:03 AM.

  11. #11
    JUB Addict Harke the Boeotarch's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    More like Multiple at Spade. Couldn't even fit my African in last weekend... (forgot my poppers...he usually bottoms...guess I'll have to wait until next full moon...slender penises are better for me LOL)...

    Anyway I read Psychology Today at the big Amsterdam Public Library and consider it to be a magazine for ladies with a psychological sauce on it.

  12. #12

    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    As someone who likes being single that sounds like a lot of mumbo jumbo.

  13. #13
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    ^What specifically sounds like mumbo jumbo? The article? What don't you agree with?

  14. #14
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    if she wot type make ya happary dat a kool

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    Mr down slide---Jons joe ans a ed now gonna walk on part_walkwalkwalk_---Mr up slide

  15. #15

    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Quote Originally Posted by TheSpectatingLoner View Post
    ^What specifically sounds like mumbo jumbo? The article? What don't you agree with?
    The article. It seems like needless categorizing. And it seems like an unnecessary and overt attempt to explain a certain (often temporary) state to make people feel comfortable and acceptable. These characteristics might be for a whole host of other reasons and not because someone is "single at heart".

    It's nice. It's cute. But if you like being single you like being single. Is it really more complicated than that? If you need a host of reasons to explain it all maybe you're really not "single at heart" but trying to find a way to cope with your current state. And when I say "you" I mean the general "you".

  16. #16
    JUB Addict maxpowr9's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    This is the inverse of the notion "marriage isn't for everyone".

    I have nothing against "bachelors". I only have problems when said bachelors will enter into a relationship.

  17. #17
    Dance like Machines MakeDigitalLove's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Quote Originally Posted by LuckysRevenge View Post
    It's nice. It's cute. But if you like being single you like being single. Is it really more complicated than that? If you need a host of reasons to explain it all maybe you're really not "single at heart" but trying to find a way to cope with your current state. And when I say "you" I mean the general "you".
    Agreed with this.

  18. #18
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    See I disagree. I think it's just her way of explaining herself in the face of folks' assumptions--conveying who she is to folks who would otherwise assume that she must be miserable or lonely for being the way she is. I hate labels, but I think she's using them as a way of resorting to folks who need them to understand.

    What I find interesting is that someone in a relationship can talk all day about how great being with someone makes them feel. Someone who is single with that same pride does the same and they're automatically "fake" for doing the same.

  19. #19
    para0402
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Quote Originally Posted by TheSpectatingLoner View Post
    What I find interesting is that someone in a relationship can talk all day about how great being with someone makes them feel. Someone who is single with that same pride does the same and they're automatically "fake" for doing the same.
    Double standards.

    I like being single, though I wouldn't reject a relationship when it comes. I think it's mainly cause I like spending time alone without having to entertain someone all the time.

  20. #20
    Dance like Machines MakeDigitalLove's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Quote Originally Posted by TheSpectatingLoner View Post

    What I find interesting is that someone in a relationship can talk all day about how great being with someone makes them feel. Someone who is single with that same pride does the same and they're automatically "fake" for doing the same.
    There is a difference in just talking about being in a relationship or single and constantly broadcasting about either fact. There are people who tend to use either status as a trophy that they're proud of and I find when people do that, it is hardly believable that they are actually happy.

  21. #21
    JUB Addict journo25's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    I have a partner but we are not joined at the hip. We have important interests in common but each of us has passions and hobbies the other does not share, and because I moved from another part of the country to join him, I have friends he hasn't met, and vice versa. We each need to travel regularly for work. Even when we're home, he can spend hours watching a football game while I am off in another part of the house reading, listening to music, or cooking.

    All the times in my life when I was single and dating, I could never tolerate a bf who needed us to be together 24/7; who seemed not to have a life but needed mine to feel complete. I appreciated the sentiment but it was stifling and ultimately drove us apart.

    Does that make me "single at heart?" I appreciate the gift of living with someone but I also enjoy my own company. I would say we all need our independence and moments of privacy, whether we are single or have partners. Those who do not feel this way and need constant togetherness must find someone who feels the same way.

  22. #22
    JUB Addict journo25's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Quote Originally Posted by MakeDigitalLove View Post
    There is a difference in just talking about being in a relationship or single and constantly broadcasting about either fact. There are people who tend to use either status as a trophy that they're proud of and I find when people do that, it is hardly believable that they are actually happy.
    I think this is very true. I have known a lot of guys over the years who panic when many of their friends find partners -- this seems particularly prevalent this time of year, between Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve -- and start obsessing about needing to find a boyfriend NOW! It reminds me of women who can't stop talking about their biological clocks ticking and who scare off guys on a first date by asking them if they are "daddy material." Everyone smells desperation and runs in the opposite direction!

    Guys forget that boyfriends aren't just for the holidays -- they're supposed to be for keeps!

  23. #23

    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Quote Originally Posted by TheSpectatingLoner View Post
    See I disagree. I think it's just her way of explaining herself in the face of folks' assumptions--conveying who she is to folks who would otherwise assume that she must be miserable or lonely for being the way she is. I hate labels, but I think she's using them as a way of resorting to folks who need them to understand.

    What I find interesting is that someone in a relationship can talk all day about how great being with someone makes them feel. Someone who is single with that same pride does the same and they're automatically "fake" for doing the same.
    You're incorrect. The worst thing to hear is someone talking all day about their relationship. Ask anyone. No one cares about a couple's cute stories or pictures.
    Actually this pertains to women and not really men. Women who aren't partnered are seen as undesirable. Single men are bachelors and partnered men are boring and tied down.

    And who cares what people think about you? Honestly you come off as having a hot single life on JUB. I don't think anyone would make negative assumptions about you based on your lifestyle. On the contrary, attempts to always justify or the need to always bring it up makes it seem like the individual is self-centered, unhappy or insecure.

  24. #24
    WTF????? refujiunderground's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    if you have to keep talking about it then you're probably not happy with being single.
    one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

  25. #25
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Quote Originally Posted by LuckysRevenge View Post
    You're incorrect. The worst thing to hear is someone talking all day about their relationship. Ask anyone. No one cares about a couple's cute stories or pictures.
    Actually this pertains to women and not really men. Women who aren't partnered are seen as undesirable. Single men are bachelors and partnered men are boring and tied down.

    And who cares what people think about you? Honestly you come off as having a hot single life on JUB. I don't think anyone would make negative assumptions about you based on your lifestyle. On the contrary, attempts to always justify or the need to always bring it up makes it seem like the individual is self-centered, unhappy or insecure.
    My broadcasting that I can be happily single is no different than broadcasting happily gay to folks who think being gay is a miserable lifestyle. Being quick to shut someone's ignorance down is not the same as lying to oneself.

    I wasn't talking about me specifically, because I'm always happy for anyone who fits this mold to get their representation, but I always have to laugh because in discussing this topic, I always run into two people.

    Person A is the type to assume every single person must be miserable.
    Person B is the type to assume every single person who talks about being happily single must be miserable.

    What I find funny in these cases is that Person A and Person B are pretty much the same person. They've both made assumptions about someone based on nothing of substance, and yet Person B is always quick to give themselves points on being an intellectual, when the truth is, they had the same exact misconceived notions--they only went and found a meaningless loophole to convince themselves.

    Same shit, slightly edited rhetoric.

    if you have to keep talking about it then you're probably not happy with being single.
    If you have to keep talking about your relationship, you probably aren't happy being in one.

    If you have to keep talking about being gay, you probably aren't happy being gay.

    If you have to keep talking about your kids, you probably don't love them.

    I keep talking about New York. Clearly, I'm not happy with it. I'm trying to "convince myself."

    Sit yo ass down!
    Last edited by TheSpectatingLoner; November 22nd, 2013 at 05:37 PM.

  26. #26
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    And Lucky not for nothing, but your first statement saddens me. I actually love hearing from people about their relationships. Anything that makes them 'tick' is great. I would never assume that someone who talks to me about how fulfilling their relationship is, must be a liar. That's a part of them that should be celebrated.

  27. #27

    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    I think you're confused. There's one thing to talk about being single. There's one thing to talk about being in a relationship. What we are talking about are those people who feel the need to discuss it over and over and over again.

    I don't know anyone who assumes a single person is miserable. But I've also lived in urban environments my entire life and hung around guys mostly. Being single is revered in these settings.

    It's only regarding women that I see single being associated with any negatives.

  28. #28
    Come again? dereperez's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Being single can be great. Being in a relationship can be great. What makes the author of the article stand out is likely due to her being a woman, which reads "girl power." An independent woman. Other than that, I don't think the masses are necessarily looking down upon being single.

  29. #29
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    I don't really have any part of my life that I would prefer to be off-limits, and it feels almost effortless to have my guy in my life, and I can't really think of any limitation that comes from having him in my life.

    I think that makes me well suited to couples life, but saying that makes me cringe a bit. I don't want to be in "a couple," I just want my guy around. If he weren't there, I think I'd be okay with being single.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

  30. #30
    ForeverSingle+Unloveable 72-Jay's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Well, I have been single my entire life, and I pretty much know in my heart I always will be.....
    Last edited by 72-Jay; November 22nd, 2013 at 11:57 PM.

  31. #31
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    I was single for just over 3 years, i found it to be "strange", i gain great comfort from knowing the man i love, loves me also.
    We both have very diverse occupations.
    His courage and compassion, still fills me with joy. We can and do talk about everything, one of the secrets of a successful relationship.
    Right up there with honesty.

  32. #32
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Quote Originally Posted by LuckysRevenge View Post
    I think you're confused. There's one thing to talk about being single. There's one thing to talk about being in a relationship. What we are talking about are those people who feel the need to discuss it over and over and over again.

    I don't know anyone who assumes a single person is miserable. But I've also lived in urban environments my entire life and hung around guys mostly. Being single is revered in these settings.

    It's only regarding women that I see single being associated with any negatives.
    Quote Originally Posted by dereperez View Post
    Being single can be great. Being in a relationship can be great. What makes the author of the article stand out is likely due to her being a woman, which reads "girl power." An independent woman. Other than that, I don't think the masses are necessarily looking down upon being single.
    Like you Lucky, I grew up in urban environments, around males. I am a city boy through and through. I'm not saying that men think you need to be in a relationship at all times, but when it's clear that you aren't going to be in one--when you go 30+ years without ever experiencing one--there's definitely judgement.

    I hear all the time (from men and women): "Why are you single? Don't you get lonely?" as if it's some odd/depressing thing. I also hear it in reference to friends of mine who are very good-looking and "should be able to get a girlfriend" easily. As if something must be wrong with them for not having one.

    People generally are understanding of single folks if they assume that you being single is simply a break between relationships. THAT'S why I think the writer hear is speaking up so loudly. Because for her, solitude isn't simply a phase or rough stretch. It's the life that fits her permanently. She's 40 years old without having ever been in a relationship. There's all sorts of unnecessary stigma she's likely facing as a result.

    Lucky and Deperez? Have you been in relationships before? Because if you have, you'll likely be treated differently, even if you're single for long stretches of time.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by 72-Jay View Post
    Well, I have been single my entire life, and I pretty much know in my heart I always will be.....
    Do you feel that people who know this about you ever make false judgements or assumptions?

  33. #33
    portabodwitstand&chairtoo SLOPPYSECONDS's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    stills weedin this 1

    thankyou
    Mr up slide---why folk no chop house a down?*cause tey no a trees_ pause---Mr down slide
    Mr down slide---Jons joe ans a ed now gonna walk on part_walkwalkwalk_---Mr up slide

  34. #34
    WTF????? refujiunderground's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Quote Originally Posted by TheSpectatingLoner View Post
    My broadcasting that I can be happily single is no different than broadcasting happily gay to folks who think being gay is a miserable lifestyle. Being quick to shut someone's ignorance down is not the same as lying to oneself.

    I wasn't talking about me specifically, because I'm always happy for anyone who fits this mold to get their representation, but I always have to laugh because in discussing this topic, I always run into two people.

    Person A is the type to assume every single person must be miserable.
    Person B is the type to assume every single person who talks about being happily single must be miserable.

    What I find funny in these cases is that Person A and Person B are pretty much the same person. They've both made assumptions about someone based on nothing of substance, and yet Person B is always quick to give themselves points on being an intellectual, when the truth is, they had the same exact misconceived notions--they only went and found a meaningless loophole to convince themselves.

    Same shit, slightly edited rhetoric.



    If you have to keep talking about your relationship, you probably aren't happy being in one.

    If you have to keep talking about being gay, you probably aren't happy being gay.

    If you have to keep talking about your kids, you probably don't love them.

    I keep talking about New York. Clearly, I'm not happy with it. I'm trying to "convince myself."

    Sit yo ass down!
    uhhhh.... no. you obviously have an issue with being single since you always seem to want to talk about it.

    you're happy with being single. we got your point a long time ago because you said the same thing months and years ago. you seem to want other people to know this though when the truth is, nobody cares because folks are busy worrying about themselves as it is. so the more you keep on repeating yourself to others, it looks more like the exact opposite of what you're saying.
    Last edited by refujiunderground; November 23rd, 2013 at 10:16 AM.
    one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

  35. #35
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    I posted this about the woman who wrote the article, because I had never once seen a woman in her position writing for a psychology magazine, speaking from both experience and research. You guys made it about me. I did not.

    I am outspoken about every single thing I love. That includes art. That includes New York. That includes a love for the entire LGBT community. And that includes being single. You only choose to demonize one of those things because you have a problem with embracing solitude, not me.

    Keep trolling, though.

  36. #36
    Dance like Machines MakeDigitalLove's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    No one in this thread is trolling. Nice defense mechanism though.

  37. #37
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    ...................

  38. #38
    ForeverSingle+Unloveable 72-Jay's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Quote Originally Posted by TheSpectatingLoner
    Quote Originally Posted by 72-Jay
    Well, I have been single my entire life, and I pretty much know in my heart I always will be.....
    Do you feel that people who know this about you ever make false judgements or assumptions?
    The only ones who truly know I've always been single (and as I say 'plan to remain that way forever' ) are family members .. nothing is ever said about it.

    Other people know I'm single (and I'll readily admit it if asked, or even if the subject of girlfriends comes up). I really don't get questioned on it - especially if I say "I just kinda like being single"

  39. #39
    You Belong To Me reone's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    I can understand that a person might feel that they are 'single at heart' just as some people truly feel that they belong with someone. Humans tend to operate across on spectrum within things such as this.


    Soul meets soul on lovers' lips...


  40. #40
    Dr Bit! :~D
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    I've been through periods when I was perfectly happy to be single, but even then, I was looking forward to finishing grad school and settling down so I could find a long-term relationship. I had a lot of people treat me with pity because I was single, even when I explained that it was by choice.

    On the other hand, my last relationship has made me very nervous about dating and relationships. There are time when I wonder if I'm really ready to have a LTR right now.
    Recently I heard a 'wise guy' story that I had a party at my home for twenty-five men. It's an interesting story, but I don't know twenty-five men I'd want to invite to a party. ~Joan Crawford

  41. #41
    JUB Addict cgymike's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    ^Yeah but in fagstaff?

    All I ever experienced there was wind.....cold.
    Your post comments are forwarded to the CIA.

  42. #42
    You Belong To Me reone's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    Quote Originally Posted by LilBit View Post
    I've been through periods when I was perfectly happy to be single, but even then, I was looking forward to finishing grad school and settling down so I could find a long-term relationship. I had a lot of people treat me with pity because I was single, even when I explained that it was by choice.

    On the other hand, my last relationship has made me very nervous about dating and relationships. There are time when I wonder if I'm really ready to have a LTR right now.
    I can't say that I've ever been happy with being single, though I have been happy and single. It's been about a year since I went out with someone and will be at least another six months to a year before I try again. I stopped due to school as well. I have no idea how people date and pursue an education, but I guess it depends on how much work you're actually giving it. I have to finish school and discover which side of the country I'll be living on before I feel comfortable investing myself again. Not to mention that guys in this age range tend to suck. So there's that, too.

    If you decide to push for a relationship, good luck :>. Sometimes meeting new people can give you a nice rush.
    Last edited by reone; November 25th, 2013 at 01:24 AM.


    Soul meets soul on lovers' lips...


  43. #43
    portabodwitstand&chairtoo SLOPPYSECONDS's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

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    so if ya got lot folk watchin ya all time dat ticanacals a neva singal or it means ya moromon thang or sumthang or think on it ya turnins inta civil servant like papa clips ans line populations up inta cock sizes ans tits ?

    * interet 2 make ya thinks dunns it *
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    Mr down slide---Jons joe ans a ed now gonna walk on part_walkwalkwalk_---Mr up slide

  44. #44
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    I'm totally single at heart as well, i used to fantasize about meeting Mr right and living happily ever after but the older i get i realize that's never going to happen. Maybe because i live in a small town and the odds of meeting gay guys are slim to none and/or today guys either want to fuck or they don't want you because you don't have the "looks". Maybe after i get some of my goals done and lose weight i could pursue a relationship but i am not happy with life yet i don't need the added stress.


    Its just pretty sad these days people can't go a month with out jumping into a new relationship i watch one guy had 3 failed relationships in under 6 months.
    Last edited by USEDCAR; November 25th, 2013 at 05:19 PM.

  45. #45
    Last Chance Jubber justsimon's Avatar
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    Re: Are You Single At Heart?

    I enjoy being in a relationship and would like to settle down with someone. At the same time, it's been three years since my last relationship and I don't mind being single … I definitely don't do anything to change the situation.

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