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  1. #1
    carlos_hoodios
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    Pretending to be a friend at social events...

    Ok so I have been seeing this guy for quite a while now, we aren't too serious but we have agreed not to see other people.

    Basically, we were talking about going to see fireworks for Bonfire Night and he said he was going with friends but I could come too. I agreed and we agreed it would be nice....we were then chatting about how there are so many events coming up at this time of year and I said it's nice to be able to go to these things with a partner and not be the awkward single one. He then told me that when we go and see the fireworks we will have no just pretend to be friends, not because of his friends because they're fine with it, but because his family will be in the area and they are pretty homophobic and don't know he's seeing someone. I then told him I aren't prepared to do the whole 'acting like a friend' thing and that I probably won't be going to many events with him if I have to lie about who I am.

    Now I am confused if I was acting irrationally?? Should I go as a friend or should I hold my ground and stay away?

  2. #2
    JUB Addict medic1's Avatar
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    Re: Pretending to be a friend at social events...

    Firstly,it is something more serious,if you are both "exclusive". If it was me my self-respect and my pure celtic stubborn mind-set would make me stand my ground.
    If his friends are fine,but he is wary of being caught by mummy and daddy,then perhaps he is not ready for an exclusive pairing?

  3. #3
    Lions&Tigers&Bears Oh My!
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    Re: Pretending to be a friend at social events...

    I wouldn't be OK with it....but it isn't my decision to make. I think that people who willingly oppress themselves can be nightmarish and will eventually project that to others....especially if you are the object of their affection.

  4. #4
    JUB Addict jensu846's Avatar
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    Re: Pretending to be a friend at social events...

    You should still go and have fun.

  5. #5
    JUB Addict maxpowr9's Avatar
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    Re: Pretending to be a friend at social events...

    It does raise a red flag and I would be concerned that he isn't out to his parents.

  6. #6
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Pretending to be a friend at social events...

    I remember those days and sometimes it was hot pretending, especially if followed by sex, but that was more than 30 years ago and so much has happened in the Western world since then. I think I'd have a question for him and that would be, "when to you plan on coming out to your family?"
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  7. #7
    Impish and Mercurial Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: Pretending to be a friend at social events...

    I agree with the others. The way I see it for myself is quite simple - it was a struggle for me to come to terms with being gay and coming out of the closet was a great victory. I am NEVER going into anybody else's closet. For any reason. And if a guy isn't out to his family, he isn't truly out at all, and therefore not the least bit ready for any serious relationship.

    Do not allow his problems to dictate your freedom.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
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  8. #8
    JUB Addict journo25's Avatar
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    Re: Pretending to be a friend at social events...

    I wouldn't play along. If you are good enough to be "exclusive" and good enough to meet his friends, then I wouldn't go through with the charade for the sake of his homophobic parents. As the others have said, you must decide for yourself. In my view, he has unfinished business and I would refuse to be anyone's "dirty little secret."

  9. #9
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: Pretending to be a friend at social events...

    Quote Originally Posted by carlos_hoodios
    Ok so I have been seeing this guy for quite a while now, we aren't too serious but we have agreed not to see other people.
    Everyone has their own time and place for coming out. Because you've described the relationship as not "too serious", then it's not reasonable to expect that your boyfriend is going to come out to his family for the sole purpose of disclosing that you are more than a friend.

    However, if this relationship continues to progress and becomes something more committed, then you should have the talk about when he's going to come out to his family. If you're in a serious committed long term relationship, you shouldn't have to be "the friend" or "the roommate". But for now, you're not in that kind of relationship.

  10. #10
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    Re: Pretending to be a friend at social events...

    As an out individual, I say that none of us have the right to judge the guy for not being it to his family we don't know what his situation is like, and we should all be familiar with how scary it is to come out.
    Second if you guys aren't that serious then you can't be that picky about his rules. If you don't like them then don't show up to the event. It all just boils down to what you are comfortable with. If the issue is a big deal to you then perhaps you should find someone else but don't rush him on coming out.
    Everyone moves at a different pace, some people come out at 12 others at 60 and who are we to rush then it judge them. I'm pretty sure most of us would be happy if people didn't judge us and made us conform to their beliefs

  11. #11
    Impish and Mercurial Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: Pretending to be a friend at social events...

    Coming out is a personal thing, but at this point if you are financially independent from your family, you have very few excuses not to be out, and they boil down to fear. So yes, we have people coming out at 60, but that's not a "normal" thing, it's a sad one, and it's because of when they were born, not because it's ok to stay closeted until 60.

    That said, I agree that we don't know the guy's situation and if you aren't seriously dating, you can't really make demands. You CAN however choose how YOU act in that situation, and my opinion on that hasn't changed. Nobody can force me to go into his closet, for any reason.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

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