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  1. #1
    Newbie COT088's Avatar
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    What Did I Do Wrong

    I've been lurking here for several years, and finally decided to register. This will likely be really lengthy, and it certainly isn't a unique problem. It's just something I don't know how to deal with. I don't know if it's advice I'm looking for (I'll take it if offered) or if it's just me needing to vent.

    I'm a graduate student and started online dating this past summer. Three weeks ago, I started chatting with someone who I'll call Rob. I'm 25 and he's 33--just throwing that out there, though it doesn't really matter. We didn't talk much before I asked him out, and that is probably why I'm in the situation I'm in now. We had dinner on a Friday evening at 7 and it was a great night. There were some brief awkward silences during dinner, but it went well. He told me he was looking for a long term relationship and I stated the same. We left the restaurant around 10 and he drove me home. I thought the date would end there, but we sat in his car and talked about any and everything for hours. When I finally decided to say goodbye, we ended up making out and talking constantly. This went on from 2 until 5:30. I understand we were both caught up in the moment, but it felt as if we had really connected.
    Saturday I spent the day in the grad office getting work done, but we kept in contact throughout the day. He works in administration at my university and had to leave for a conference Sunday afternoon, so we decided to go to breakfast Sunday morning. Breakfast went well, he took me grocery shopping (I don't have a car; the bus gets me everywhere I need to go, but my route doesn't go on Sunday), and while I would normally walk to the office on Sunday, he took me there as well. I appreciated everything, but I didn't ask him to do any of this. I only said yes because I enjoyed his company and he seemed to enjoy mine. Again, we kept in contact throughout the day. When I walked home that night, he said that he should have left his car with me. I told him that he didn't need to do that, that he still really didn't know me, and I wouldn't trust myself with it. He said what mattered is that he trusted me. We talked until he got back. Things were developing fast, but I didn't see anything wrong with that. He would go on about how beautiful I am and how he just loved being with me, how he wished he could walk home with me at night. He got back Tuesday afternoon and went out of his way that evening to take me home, even though I'm perfectly fine taking the bus. We made plans to cook dinner together Thursday evening.

    He took me to his house, gave me a tour and we had a good time. He showed me his garden and said that I'd get to see everything better in the Spring, alluding that what we had would grow and at least last until that point. We messed around a bit that night, but we didn't have sex. Throughout the night he kept calling me his perfect guy. I spent the night. We didn't have time to do much the next morning since we both had work to get done, but he made me promise that I'd cum on him the next time. I only add all the details and time to really paint an adequate picture of what was going on. Later that day, we were texting and he said something and ended it with, "my perfect guy". I asked if that meant we were something more official. He said we didn't need to rush, but he'd be happy when I was his boyfriend. I had no problem with that. That Saturday we were talking and he asked if when he could see me again. He suggested that I come over the next day to watch the colts game at his house. At the time I was procrastinating on netflix rather than getting work done. I told him I'd have to check my schedule. He asked me what I was watching and I told him I stopped watching shows because I wanted to get my work done early so I could spend time with him. I told him I'd get back to him to let him know for sure. Rob said that it was just as important that I get my work done. A few hours later I said that I would love to watch the game with him, but I didn't hear back from him. I sent another text hours later and he still didn't respond.

    That Sunday, we had a unusually mundane conversation. He didn't mention me coming over at all. I thought I had done something wrong, so I didn't bother him. I didn't hear from him past the morning hours. Monday I let him know when I would have free time. I tried to contact him several times throughout the day and didn't hear back. Tuesday morning I just asked him to let me know that he was ok. He didn't strike me as the kind of person to blatantly ignore someone and I was concerned with his safety. He responded calling me beautiful again and apologized for what he called his shitty unbecoming behavior. He then told me that he couldn't commit to anything at this point in time. I pressed him throughout the day to find out what was wrong. He told me that he hadn't dated anyone in years, but recently he had gone on a few dates. He was dating someone else along with me. I understand dating around, but I wish he would have told me beforehand. And I didn't understand how he could say the things he was saying to me if there was someone else. He said that while he wanted a relationship with a guy such as myself, he panicked when he realized I wanted to progress to the next step (I was just going with the flow of things) and when he discovered he liked this other guy. He had known the other guy a week longer than me, though, I don't know when he found the time to see him when we spent so much time together and talking. He wanted to meet with me to talk on the weekend, but I wanted to see him the next day. He agreed and we talked. For someone I had known just barely over a week, I cried a lot. I felt disrespected for being ignored (he said he didn't want to hurt me so he ignored me) and felt like every word he told me was a lie. He told me he liked both of us and didn't know when he would come to a decision. I didn't like the feeling of waiting to get picked, but I really fell for this guy. I agreed to wait around. He told me that I really had a chance. Although he said that he would've have preferred to talk on the weekend when we had more time, he later told me that he couldn't go to dinner with me on the weekend because he was busy. I knew of plans for saturday, but it still strikes me as odd. He couldn't meet Friday, but suggested some time for this current week. At some point, I sent some messages about him ignoring me (which he started to do again) and how it was hurtful and how conflicted I felt about my position. It was somewhat of an argument and I was the one who apologized profusely for several days. He reiterated that we could possibly see each other this week. We made small talk on saturday, but that was it. I didn't hear from him on sunday. I asked him to dinner or a movie on monday and he still ignored me. Tuesday I told him I hoped he was having a good day. Later, I told him to tell me if I was too much and if he wanted me to leave him alone. Before heading to bed, I just asked that he at least respond. This morning after getting out of the shower and before heading to class, he sent me a message: He said that he hoped I had done well on my midterm, that he had lost his phone, but in the last few days he and the other guy had gotten serious and that he had to break things off with us, and that he was sorry if he led me on. I responded politely.

    So after that lengthy read which I apologize for, did I do something wrong here? I'm slow to open up at times, but I was really open with him. And I can be a bit quiet--and I admit part of me was intimidated to be around him at times. I'm a grad student without a car and I work as a graduate assistant. I start teaching next year, but I don't have a real job and we're not allowed to get one. I get by though, and I'm happy. But to be around someone who already has their Ph.D, has their own home, has a new car--it made me wonder what I brought to the table. Maybe I doubted myself too much and that's what kept me from opening up more. He told me he liked my physical beauty, my personal story, my calm demeanor, my intellect, and some of the things we had in common. And for a week it felt like all of his attention was on me, and I was focused on him. Even when he put down his own appearance, I let him know how beautiful I thought he was. What did I do wrong here? He was into me, got caught up I suppose, told me I had a chance, and then didn't give me a chance at all. I knew that I shouldn't have kept myself in a position to be chosen, but I thought that he liked me. He's constantly ignored me--even messages I sent over the website we met on. I would text him that I sent him a lengthy message and he still hasn't read it. I'm amazed that I was able to get work done today. I feel like crap and I've broken down and cried several times because I went from being his perfect guy (he said this often, in person and through text), someone he held often and would never let me go, who never let an hour go by with texting me to someone he ignored and didn't give a chance to. He said that things took a very unexpected turn and he became more involved with the other guy. What unexpected turn. I'm really hurt and confused. I hope this isn't too long of a post. Was this something I did?

  2. #2
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    It sounds like he moved pretty fast and in the future, that kind of behavior will be a red flag for you, right? You live and learn, I hope. He sweet-talked you and you fell for it. That is not to say he didn't like you. It's just that he chose someone else. Only he knows how genuine he was.

    It does not sound like you did anything wrong. Don't beat yourself up over this. It hurts when you like someone and they disappoint you. Move on, ok?
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  3. #3
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    You did nothing wrong and I think, in time, you'll be grateful that things didn't go further with him. He appears to need a relationship and I'd guess he had one which ended not long ago. While it's ok to state that he was looking for a ltr he moved way too fast and seems to have based his decision on something other than love because live doesn't happen that quickly.

    Another thought just occurred to me. The "other guy" could be his boyfriend with whom he might have been fighting.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  4. #4
    Sex God AstareGod's Avatar
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    Welcome to JUB, and awesome first post!

    I second both posters above in that you did nothing wrong at all. I firmly believe that whatever happens in life is best for us at the time it happens. Even though we can't see them at the time, there are reasons behind why things happen a certain way.

    I was a bit concerned when he called you his perfect guy. First off, I don't believe anyone is truly "perfect" and to put that expectation on someone else can potentially lead to some disappointment in the future. Secondly, you guys did move rather quickly, and while there's nothing precisely wrong with that, it doesn't give you guys a chance to really see whether you're compatible with one another and really get a good idea of each other's values and life goals.

    You mentioned a few times how his lack of communication bothered you. Reliable and regular communication seems to be a priority for you. It's important to you for a guy you're interested in to not just fall off the edge of the earth for a few days at a time. When talking and dating other guys, make sure this priority is known. Though there may come a few times where others will be caught up in life and not able to respond for perhaps a day or two at a time, at least they will be aware of how much that may bother you and will hopefully try to make it up to you.

    My suggestion is to just be yourself. As long as you are not harming yourself or anyone else, there is no "doing anything wrong" when interacting with other guys. You will want guys to fall in love with you for who you really are, and the only way to do that is to be unapologetically yourself. Take things nice and slow next time, and when you see things start getting serious, don't be afraid to set some expectations down so everyone is aware of what's important.

    Good luck!
    Brad's Search - 70,000 words and counting!

  5. #5
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    These situations are painful but in retrospect, it's better to find these things out before you get even more involved.

    There are guys out there that run hot and heavy and then panic when things get serious. And there are guys out there who conveniently forget to mention boyfriends, wives, other serious relationships. It seems that you found both of these things in this guy.

    Be glad you found out these things before you got even more involved with him. Or before you were the guy that he cheats on the next time he finds another "perfect guy". This guy is 33 and was on a dating site while he was supposedly dating someone- chances are this is not his first time at the cheating rodeo.

    Unfortunately, because of these traits, these guys are also more likely to be single a lot, so you will run into more of them in the future. Don't make a habit of personalizing it. It's not about you. Just accept that there will be assholes out there in the dating pool and learn not to waste time and energy on them.

  6. #6
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    Honestly! No-one could give you better advice and encouragement than every post above. Welcome to JUB you will find many decent members here.

  7. #7
    Newbie COT088's Avatar
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    Thanks everyone for the welcome and the advice. I got too invested in this way too fast. It may take a bit of time to get past it, but I will. And like everyone said, I'll likely be happy that things didn't continue on and this happened now rather than later. It was just difficult to accept things and see it from that perspective. I'll get over it eventually. I already feel better than I did last night, and hopefully that continues.

  8. #8
    Ruminating
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    That's great! Now when he comes knocking at your door in the next week or two, you will remember this, right?
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  9. #9
    Newbie COT088's Avatar
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    I will. Right now, I still don't know what I would do if that were to happen, and I don't think it will. Part of me thinks I would welcome him back. But what has affected me hasn't just been the failure of a potential relationship. It's the level of disrespect that I've had to deal with for the past week. That's not something I can forget.

  10. #10
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    Just remember people make the mistake of forgetting stuff they say they would never forget and when they do it's the beginning of a co-dependent relationship. This guy was over the top way too soon and red flags are all over the place.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  11. #11
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    Just remember people make the mistake of forgetting stuff they say they would never forget and when they do it's the beginning of a co-dependent relationship. This guy was over the top way too soon and red flags are all over the place.
    ^QFT

    Don't let your desire for companionship and flattery impair your judgment. We all have friends that we have seen settle for less in their relationships. Don't become one of those who settles with excuses like, "But he treats me so well sometimes" or "But I really care about him" or "He says he cares about me", etc.

  12. #12
    JUB Addict maxpowr9's Avatar
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    I'm a hopeless romantic at my core and I tend to pour on the love for many guys I date which may turn off some of them. However, my personality also makes me very stubborn so if a guy spurns me, they won't get a second chance. I even tried doing the second chance thing once and as I learned: "there is a reason you two parted ways to begin with and most likely, the same issue will resurface".

  13. #13
    Newbie COT088's Avatar
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    Thanks again for the advice. I really will keep all this in mind. The only thing now is dealing with the hurt afterwards. Normally in a situation like this I need a day to myself. And on such days I don't get any work done. Oddly enough, although it's been emotionally exhausting, I've still been really productive. I don't know if it's because I immediately chose to vent here or because I know moping around won't change anything. Still, there are times like this when I wake up in the middle of the night and feel sad about this whole situation. And while I've been a bit more resilient than I expected, I'm annoyed that he could just walk away from all this seemingly without having displayed any empathy at all, or having to deal with any consequences at all. I don't know. It could have been worse I suppose. And hopefully this gets better with time.

  14. #14
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    All i can offer is one of these...........

  15. #15
    Newbie COT088's Avatar
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    Quote Originally Posted by medic1 View Post
    All i can offer is one of these...........
    Thanks, that actually means a lot.

  16. #16
    JUB Addict Georgiadude's Avatar
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    IF you did anything wrong it may have been texting a bit too much but that's an IF. I don't know how the conversations went. He sounds like he's a bit flighty and un sure of exactly what he wants. It's actually a good thing that you didn't get further involved with him. It hurts now but it's best that things ended as soon as they did. IF he contacts you again I'd keep it cordial but distant. Def wouldn't rush into anything further with him. I have a feeling he and his "bf" wont be an item for long. He's afraid to commit or isn't being totally honest with the other guy either.

    Steven

  17. #17
    Lions&Tigers&Bears Oh My!
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    I am going to skip the explanation because it would be lengthy so I will just say one thing...you dodged a bullet! Thank God (or whoever it is that you thank) that you did anything/something "wrong" and hopefully next time you run into a guy like this you will do something "wrong" again.

    You can always chalk it up to somebody is watching out for you

  18. #18
    Lascivious Lush altlover85's Avatar
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    Re: What Did I Do Wrong

    I think you asking him if him calling you the perfect guy meant something more was a little premature, but that's my jaded opinion. Ultimately, he's the one who lead you on and acted like a jerk. I definitely think you're better off without this guy.

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