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Thread: I'm not sure I'm gay

      
   
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    I'm not sure I'm gay

    anymore. I still know which guys I think are attractive, but that's about it. I have no desire to have sex with guys and I have no romantic feelings for them anymore. I make it seem like it's something recent, however, I've been like this for a long time. Before anyone makes these statements:

    1) I am not taking any kinds of drugs.
    2) I am not depressed.
    3) I am healthy across the board.
    4) There are no ebbs and flows.

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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    How old are you? Do you have anything on your mind, problems, does your family or do your friends go through something and you can´t do much about it? There can be many reasons why you have a low sex drive for some time. It happens. Don´t obsess yourself with it.

    However if the period of time gets longer and longer (a few months or so, I´d say), you should see a doctor, it could be something physically that it doesn´t come to the surface yet so you can feel it, or it could be something psychological, so deep down that also you can´t see it yet.
    ¨Beware the fury of a patient man¨ - John Dryden

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    Rest in peace, mom. JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    If there's been a change then there's a reason for that change. Whatever the cause, it could be a medical issue either physical or mental. You may need a work up or an assessment.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    You have not mentioned your attraction for girls. Is it the case that you are attracted to girls and not men? Or, are you feeling very little sex either way? If you were gay, you have not stopped being gay. But, some young guys feel and attraction to both, which eventually resolves into one or the other.

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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    aaggii, I'm 30 years old. I am not going through anything at this time that would affect my sex drive. I should also clarify, it's not just sex drive, it's sexual attraction as well. It's not been just a few months, it's been...years. As I said, earlier, I am healthy psychologically, physically, etc. There is nothing abnormal occurring in my life that would affect my sexual attraction to men.

    Seasoned, it's not a sudden change as I stated. I'm just now commenting on it or discussing it.

    Benvolio, I have been attracted to a few girls in the past, but I have always been primarily into men.

    I hope I am not being too confusing.

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    Porn Star aaggii's Avatar
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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    Maybe you just have a low sex drive and you´re ¨tired¨ of being attracted to men. I think that the best way to see what´s really happening is to see a doctor, it´s hard before the first time but we live in a time when we know there´s nothing shameful seeing a therapist or a psychologist. You can even do it online if you´re not comfortable enough to see one face to face.

    Any doctors here?
    ¨Beware the fury of a patient man¨ - John Dryden

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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    There are a lot of straight people that lose interest completely in the opposite sex but it doesn't make them "not straight anymore".

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    Impish and Mercurial Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    You are still gay. It's just that something has happened (and despite your protests, something HAS happened) to lower your sexual attraction and need for romantic contact. I would look into it medically as well as psychologically - just because you don't think you have anything, doesn't mean you don't.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    Quote Originally Posted by aaggii View Post
    Maybe you just have a low sex drive and you´re ¨tired¨ of being attracted to men. I think that the best way to see what´s really happening is to see a doctor, it´s hard before the first time but we live in a time when we know there´s nothing shameful seeing a therapist or a psychologist. You can even do it online if you´re not comfortable enough to see one face to face.

    Any doctors here?
    It's not a low sex drive, it is no sex drive. There is a difference. It's not "tired" of being attracted to men. There is no intentional decision not to be attracted to men. I should have been clearer. I have gone to the doctor as well as a physician and I am completely healthy.

    Quote Originally Posted by eastofeden View Post
    There are a lot of straight people that lose interest completely in the opposite sex but it doesn't make them "not straight anymore".
    Says who? For example, if a bisexual person eventually loses his or her attraction to the opposite sex and decides to call himself or herself gay/homosexual, then no one would be as quick to argue.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    You are still gay. It's just that something has happened (and despite your protests, something HAS happened) to lower your sexual attraction and need for romantic contact. I would look into it medically as well as psychologically - just because you don't think you have anything, doesn't mean you don't.
    As I've already explained, I've been checked medically, although I did not go to a physician for this reason, but for another reason. I went to a physician a few months ago while this has been for years. As far as that is concerned, that is not my personal opinion. I am healthy. Psychologically, there is nothing that has happened that has been traumatic in my life to affect my attraction AND sex drive. It does not cause me any problems.

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    Well either way, I'm not sure what advice you're looking for. You've lost attraction to men. Have you gained attraction to women?

    Even asexual people feel romantic attraction to someone (I have an asexual homoromantic friend). If you feel no romantic attraction to any gender, that's a psychological problem, like it or not. I'm not saying there's anything to fix though, if you're fine with it.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction.

    I used to experience sexual attraction. Does this mean I'm not asexual?

    As previously mentioned, sexuality can be fluid, and it can change over a period of time for some people. If you find that you have little or no sexual attraction to other people now, then you can choose to identify as asexual.

    Many asexual people were more sexually active during puberty or another period of their lives. However, at this moment they do not experience sexual attraction to others and identify as asexual.

    If you experience a sudden decline in sexual interest or attraction, it may be linked to side effects of certain medications or illness. It is advisable to discuss sudden changes with your doctor.
    It's not been just a few months, it's been...years.
    I don't have crushes on people.

    There are asexual people who experience romantic attraction (have crushes, desire having romantic relationships, etc), and there are asexual people who don't. While the former are "romantic", the latter are "aromantic" and generally speaking they prefer having close friends. This, however, doesn't make them 'more asexual' than those who desire a romantic relationship. Furthermore, aromanticism is not only something asexual people identify with: there are, in fact, also people of any sexual orientation who are aromantic.

    http://www.asexuality.org/en/
    Once gay, now asexual, tomorrow bisexual, who cares? That's the famous "fluidity". Take it easy.

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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    I know little about the asexual community, but I hear they have a great presence on the net, I'd check them out. As I understand it, there are all kinds of different people who identify as asexual.

    And I think everybody should stop telling him to see a doctor or therapist, as if there was something wrong with him.

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    Impish and Mercurial Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hylas View Post
    I know little about the asexual community, but I hear they have a great presence on the net, I'd check them out. As I understand it, there are all kinds of different people who identify as asexual.

    And I think everybody should stop telling him to see a doctor or therapist, as if there was something wrong with him.
    Um, there's a strong chance that there is, if he has observed a serious change. It's not about bashing, it's about health.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
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    Rest in peace, mom. JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    Since things have changed and you seemed troubled by that it's probably best to look into anything and everything that might be causing it.
    Last edited by Seasoned; October 30th, 2013 at 10:34 PM.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    Well either way, I'm not sure what advice you're looking for. You've lost attraction to men. Have you gained attraction to women?

    Even asexual people feel romantic attraction to someone (I have an asexual homoromantic friend). If you feel no romantic attraction to any gender, that's a psychological problem, like it or not. I'm not saying there's anything to fix though, if you're fine with it.
    Concerning asexual people, some feel romantic attraction, not all. In addition, attraction is related to dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, adrenaline, and norepinephrine levels being increased in the body. Also, there are heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual people who have sex with people and do not develop romantic attractions or attachments to those of their preferred sex.

    It's not causing me any problems, but I guess it leaves me confused as a person.

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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    Since things have changed and you seemed troubled by that it's probably best to look into anything and everything that might be causing it.
    Troubled probably would not be an accurate descriptor. As I said in my previous post, confused would be more accurate. It's like I thought I knew myself, but I find out that I don't, especially when it came to sexuality. It forces me to re-evaluate what direction I take concerning relationships.

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    Rest in peace, mom. JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    Well, you can split hairs and be argumentative, but you did create this thread for a reason. Perhaps it was to vent, which is fine. Everyone who's posted has a sexual orientation, a history and friends and family with sexual orientations and history. That's a lot of collected wisdom. I'd advise you to listen and think for a while.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    Well, you can split hairs and be argumentative, but you did create this thread for a reason. Perhaps it was to vent, which is fine. Everyone who's posted has a sexual orientation, a history and friends and family with sexual orientations and history. That's a lot of collected wisdom. I'd advise you to listen and think for a while.
    You're right, I did make this thread to vent, more than anything. However, when I explain that my situation is not the same as what others have mentioned, that's not splitting hairs. When I explain that there is nothing traumatic that has happened to me and I am being told endlessly that there has to be something, it's slightly difficult not to be agitated. When I have stated that I have been to the doctor for an in-depth analysis physically and I've been shown to be healthy, it's pretty difficult not to be combative when I'm not being listened to as a person and it's insisted that there must be something wrong.

    If anything I have tried to make myself like men, masturbate to them, get horny over them, fall for them and nothing has occurred over the past few years. Like I said, it is confusing or troubling in that sense because it was there and now it is not there. It's like I'm lost in that area and it's difficult to find anyone to relate to it because if someone has experienced or is experiencing something similar, others' experiences are not quite the same as they are/were either repressing a part of themselves or it was just a lull in their sexuality for a small period of time.

    In all honesty, I think it bothers me because like anything else in life, I think of missed opportunities. There is a sense of helplessness as there is nothing I can do about it. I have the interest from guys, but I know that I have no control over this aspect of my life that I did in the past. I hope that makes sense.

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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    ^^^You are actually a bit defensive. I told you that I know a lot of straight people who have lost interest in sex or romance...for a zillion reasons...and my point was that not a single one of them wonder if they are not straight anymore (in response to your Says Who?)...and this was because you wondered if you were not gay anymore. My point was entirely relevant and in direct response to what you were talking about. I was not arguing at all.

    Your subsequent response led me to believe that you think sexuality is a choice. I don't think you "cannot be gay anymore". That is what I was implying.

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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    Yeah, as far as the thread title goes...

    People like throwing around that silly phrase - "sexuality is fluid" - and it creates a lot of misconceptions. Because while yes - sexuality is more fluid than a black/white binary system, it most certainly doesn't actually change. You are born with a certain sexuality, somewhere in the spectrum (in the MANY spectrums really), and you die with it. Only two things about your sexuality can change throughout the course of your life. One is your sex drive. The other is your UNDERSTANDING and SELF-AWARENESS of your sexuality. A frat boy who was half-heartedly fucking girls until he discovered his endless craving for dick, didn't "turn" gay. He was always gay, but for multiple reasons - cultural, emotional, intellectual, etc. - was willfully or unwillfully unaware of it. His sexuality did not change - his self-awareness did.

    Just wanted to post this, because so many gay guys say "sexuality is fluid" when what they mean is "I hope I might turn/have already turned straight".
    Last edited by Rolyo85; November 1st, 2013 at 12:25 PM.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    Quote Originally Posted by eastofeden View Post
    ^^^You are actually a bit defensive. I told you that I know a lot of straight people who have lost interest in sex or romance...for a zillion reasons...and my point was that not a single one of them wonder if they are not straight anymore (in response to your Says Who?)...and this was because you wondered if you were not gay anymore. My point was entirely relevant and in direct response to what you were talking about. I was not arguing at all.

    Your subsequent response led me to believe that you think sexuality is a choice. I don't think you "cannot be gay anymore". That is what I was implying.
    Again, am I defensive or am I simply addressing your points? Regardless, I never said or implied sexuality is a choice. However, by definition, being gay and all that it entails does not apply to me at this point in my life. Celibacy would be a choice; in my case, it is not celibacy. If this were not an issue relating to sexuality and a person experiences some sort of change in his or her life that would cause him or her to reapply a label, would it be as much of an issue? Ultimately, the label is not the issue as much as what I am experiencing or not experiencing.

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    Re: I'm not sure I'm gay

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    Yeah, as far as the thread title goes...

    People like throwing around that silly phrase - "sexuality is fluid" - and it creates a lot of misconceptions. Because while yes - sexuality is more fluid than a black/white binary system, it most certainly doesn't actually change. You are born with a certain sexuality, somewhere in the spectrum (in the MANY spectrums really), and you die with it. Only two things about your sexuality can change throughout the course of your life. One is your sex drive. The other is your UNDERSTANDING and SELF-AWARENESS of your sexuality. A frat boy who was half-heartedly fucking girls until he discovered his endless craving for dick, didn't "turn" gay. He was always gay, but for multiple reasons - cultural, emotional, intellectual, etc. - was willfully or unwillfully unaware of it. His sexuality did not change - his self-awareness did.

    Just wanted to post this, because so many gay guys say "sexuality is fluid" when what they mean is "I hope I might turn/have already turned straight".
    Sexuality does not change? I am typing right now that I've had a dramatic change in sexuality and you're telling me it does not change. There are plenty of people who experience changes in various aspects of their sexuality from sex drive to fluctuations in emotional attachment as well as sexual orientation. If sexuality is not fluid for you, fine. However, do not speak for everyone. I assure you, as an individual, I have been completely aware of my sexuality and I have had no qualms with it. I am also aware that there has been a change.

    Personally, I'm fine with the physiological change. As I have said before, it leaves me unsure about the path in life to pursue. As for your last statement, I'm sure you've met several gay men who have made that statement due to self-hatred or denial. However, there are also those gay men who simply have a better understanding of sexuality than you.

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