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  1. #1

    Need some advice...

    So first off i just wanted to say i'm a long term lurker here who wanted to post because I had an issue I needed to get off my chest.

    The backstory:

    I'm 24 and I recently got back to the US from teaching English in an asian country. I was there for a year and a bit before I quit my job, mainly because I hated the job and realized I didn't really like the country I was in anyway.

    In January of this year I started dating a guy from the country I was living in, to protect his identity let's call him "M". I was also M's first boyfriend, but there was a little bit of an age gap between us (He was 19 when we started dating, I was 23. Now he's 20).

    M and I had a date every single week we were together, and even went on a few trips together. He came out to his mom because we were dating (a huge deal in asian countries). It made me feel really happy to have him. He was my first boyfriend, and he made me feel special. We even casually started to discuss the thought of him moving to the US with me and us getting married (after the Windsor decision). As he was still in college he said he would just try to transfer to a US university (since it was his dream to visit America).

    Unfortunately, in August everything at my job started going south. Into my 2nd year at my job I had rewarded myself by using my paid leave days to take three weeks off during the summer break. Upon returning to the school I found that my coworkers began treating me with contempt (mainly due to the fact that Asian teachers can't take vacation and are essentially social slaves who work six days a week). This made me feel bad about myself because no one at work would even say hello to me, and it made me feel really isolated. Around this time I also began having panic attacks and tension headaches. For the first time I began to truly believe i wanted to quit and go home. My boyfriend of course wanted me to stay, but around this time our relationship also started to get a little rocky because he was dealing with a lot of stress from school and his part time job.

    Anyway, in September I said enough was enough after a major panic attack at work. I decided that it wasn't work risking my mental health over the job so i decided to quit and booked a flight home.

    When I told M he wasn't sympathetic for my problems at all, instead only being concerned with himself and the fact he wouldn't get to transfer to a US school. I told him that before I left I wanted to say goodbye to him. He refused. He called me cruel and selfish and proceeded into a long rant in his native language I could only understand about 20 percent of.

    I just said I was sorry but had to take care of myself, he told me never to speak to him again, hung up and blocked my phone number. It made me feel horrible. We dated 8 months, did so much together, and then when I was going home to preserve my sanity he refused to even say goodbye to me.

    That was a little over a month ago. Still to this day i'm not over it because I feel really betrayed by it. Anyone got any tips or advice to help? :/

    Thanks and sorry for troublesome story.

  2. #2
    JUB Addict Georgiadude's Avatar
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    Re: Need some advice...

    You need more time. Your relationship didn't develop overnight and your feelings for him are not going to disappear over night. It's going to take a lot of time. I had good luck with some therapy. These things take time. You'll have days that are good and days that suck. Soon the better days will out number the sucky ones. Hang in there. It will get better

    Steven

  3. #3
    Come again? dereperez's Avatar
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    Re: Need some advice...

    I'm sorry to hear about your sadness, my friend. It's only natural to feel betrayed given how much history you guys had together, but think of it this way: you saved your own sanity. You have to put your own health first and if he leaves you, especially in the way that he did, maybe he's not the right person for you. You will find someone out there that will be more empathetic to you and understand you for you. Until then, let time heal the wounds. Good luck.

  4. #4
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    Re: Need some advice...

    I understand why you had to quit, but the way you worded it made it seem like one day you were there and the next you just decided to leave. In a relationship especially a serious one you have to involve your boyfriend.

    It sounds like you just decided to leave the country on your own like "oh by the way I'm leaving the country in a few days deuces, ttyn" without even talking to him. perhaps you could have looked for employment elsewhere, or have tried to stay as long as possible to at least give him a chance to either make arrangements to leave with you or at least get some kind of warning with plenty of time that you guys were going your separate ways.

    I mean it sucks on both ends but i don't think it's unreasonable for him to be upset.

  5. #5
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    Re: Need some advice...

    It seems to me like you both had valid points so you will probably have to wrestle with this for awhile. At some point...you may even want to talk with him about it. Probably a good tool for both of you would be to put yourself in each other's shoes and feel how the other guy is feeling to get a better understanding so you can process it...let it go... and move on.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Georgiadude View Post
    You need more time. Your relationship didn't develop overnight and your feelings for him are not going to disappear over night. It's going to take a lot of time. I had good luck with some therapy. These things take time. You'll have days that are good and days that suck. Soon the better days will out number the sucky ones. Hang in there. It will get better Steven
    I strongly agree with this. I might add one suggestion: send him a thoughtful and detailed letter explaining what happened, how you felt and how you feel about him. Make sure it's balanced between recognition of your needs and his, and apologize for anything you think may have been your fault. Write the letter as if you were there with him. It may help you sort out any confused feelings you have about the whole incident, and allow him to read your thoughts and feelings without the pressure and emotion that we bring with our physical presence.

    Good luck. True love is too precious to let slip away without first trying to save it.

  7. #7

    Re: Need some advice...

    Thanks for the good advice everyone I had not thought about putting myself in his shoes. I know he was (and maybe still is) sad or upset. I tried to contact M after I left just to see how he was doing but he always hung up when I called or just ignored me.

    I guess I should provide some more info that wasn't clear in my first post. M had known since the end of July that I was having issues and wanted to return to the US. I essentially did just decide to up and leave though (for a multitude of reasons), so I paid off all my bills, cancelled all my contracts, drained the money from my account and left. I don't regret the way that I left because I was genuinely afraid I was going to strike a child and get thrown into jail if I stayed any longer.

    Anyway, I guess the thing that bothers me still is that he refused to even say goodbye to me. That really hurt because it made me feel like I wasted eight months dating someone who was only concerned about himself.

    I know it will take time to move on. It just sucks now :/

  8. #8
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    Re: Need some advice...

    Quote Originally Posted by Gekishinken View Post
    Thanks for the good advice everyone I had not thought about putting myself in his shoes. I know he was (and maybe still is) sad or upset. I tried to contact M after I left just to see how he was doing but he always hung up when I called or just ignored me.

    I guess I should provide some more info that wasn't clear in my first post. M had known since the end of July that I was having issues and wanted to return to the US. I essentially did just decide to up and leave though (for a multitude of reasons), so I paid off all my bills, cancelled all my contracts, drained the money from my account and left. I don't regret the way that I left because I was genuinely afraid I was going to strike a child and get thrown into jail if I stayed any longer.

    Anyway, I guess the thing that bothers me still is that he refused to even say goodbye to me. That really hurt because it made me feel like I wasted eight months dating someone who was only concerned about himself.

    I know it will take time to move on. It just sucks now :/
    The thing with putting yourself in the other's shoes...it can help bring some perspective and understanding to the situation. I don't think either one of you were villains or necessarily wrong.

    You felt leaving was your only option and something you had to do...I understand and agree with you

    He felt abandoned and lost someone he loved and was powerless to do anything about it....I understand that as well.

  9. #9
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: Need some advice...

    Quote Originally Posted by Gekishinken View Post
    That was a little over a month ago. Still to this day i'm not over it because I feel really betrayed by it. Anyone got any tips or advice to help? :/
    Are you looking for advice on how to move on or advice on repairing the relationship?

  10. #10

    Re: Need some advice...

    How to move on. I've realized I don't want to date him anymore and he refuses to even talk
    to me or respond so I don't see a point wasting my time anymore. It's just hard to get over it. It sounds like time should make it better though.

  11. #11
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Need some advice...

    Time alone isn't the answer. Time with having a life that includes activities and socializing, even when difficult, seems to be what most people need to move on.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  12. #12
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: Need some advice...

    Quote Originally Posted by Gekishinken View Post
    How to move on. I've realized I don't want to date him anymore and he refuses to even talk to me or respond so I don't see a point wasting my time anymore. It's just hard to get over it. It sounds like time should make it better though.
    Quote Originally Posted by Gekishinken
    Anyway, I guess the thing that bothers me still is that he refused to even say goodbye to me. That really hurt because it made me feel like I wasted eight months dating someone who was only concerned about himself.
    Moving on is the right strategy. There are no winners in situations like this and the best you can do is learn from it.

    The irony is that you both ended up feeling that you were dating someone who was only concerned about himself.

    In a situation where you are in a foreign country and you're miserably unhappy, what choice do you have but to remove yourself from the unhappy situation? You might give some thought to how you might have handled it better but when dealing with a 19 year old in your former boyfriend's social situation, anything that you would have done would have resulted in someone getting hurt.

    You may want to consider is seeing a therapist. It's not unusual for teachers in foreign countries who don't know the language to feel socially isolated. However, the panic attacks and tension headaches are something that would be beyond the typical reaction. A good therapist can help you work on finding ways to cope without panic reactions and it would also be a good opportunity to work through your feelings about the relationship and how it ended.

  13. #13
    JUB Addict Georgiadude's Avatar
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    Re: Need some advice...

    Others are right. Time in and of itself will not take care of this. Time and dealing with it will. Keeping busy, socializing with friends and family and I still strongly recommend some therapy. Not only to deal with the relationship/break up but your feelings of wanting to strike a child. Even though you were smart enough not to act out, those feelings were still there and are just hiding beneath the surface. They will bubble up again if you don't deal with what is causing them. Leaving was a good escape but running from your true feelings will only postpone what you need to address. Just my thoughts.

    Best wishes

    Steven.

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