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  1. #1

    not ready to date

    Well, it's been a year now since I broke up my cheating bf. I have been going to counseling on a regular basis, and I am definitely on the mend ... My counselor said that I may not yet ready to date, but I met a great guy two weeks ago. We went out a few times, and we made out and felt each other up on our last date. We got a long well, but it seems he's getting attached to me very quickly and I got scared. Plus, being with him suddenly brings back good memories of my ex-bf and I began to act/tease/hug/etc him like how I used to do with my ex, and now I am getting melancholy again. I don't believe in love or chemistry at the first sight, and the sparks were not quite there.

    So, before I get sad and he's getting too attached, I just sent him a text to say that I am not ready to date (which is true) but I want to remain as friends. I think this text makes me sound like a jerk but I am just not sure how to handle it to be honest with you. I just want to be straight forward before he gets too attached and hurt.

    Is this the right move?

  2. #2
    Virgin MuscleLatino's Avatar
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    Re: not ready to date

    I think it's always the right move to be honest. Hopefully he will understand, even though he may be a bit disappointed. Hmm, if you still like hanging out with him, I'd say, maybe give him a couple days and check in on him, see how he's feeling, and ask him if he wants to just hang out, as friends. Go from there?

  3. #3
    Dejavudoo
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    Re: not ready to date

    Quote Originally Posted by indudela View Post
    Well, it's been a year now since I broke up my cheating bf. I have been going to counseling on a regular basis, and I am definitely on the mend ... My counselor said that I may not yet ready to date, but I met a great guy two weeks ago. We went out a few times, and we made out and felt each other up on our last date. We got a long well, but it seems he's getting attached to me very quickly and I got scared. Plus, being with him suddenly brings back good memories of my ex-bf and I began to act/tease/hug/etc him like how I used to do with my ex, and now I am getting melancholy again.
    That sounds perfectly natural. I mean, how else would you expect your sexual expression to seem to you, but how you did it before and with whom. As you act out those feelings with the new guy, eventually those new memories will crowd out the old to large extent, and it will cease to replay your ex.

    I don't believe in love or chemistry at the first sight, and the sparks were not quite there.
    You just made the best sound argument there is for pursuing it. Believe your own words. Instead of wishing a magic would take over and make it all easy, continue down the road to a good thing. Don't push him away, or let the awkwardness of the past damage block you from what you have found. Just tell him you'll have moments when it is hard to get past the past, but ask his patience. If he loves you, he will help you.

    So, before I get sad and he's getting too attached, I just sent him a text to say that I am not ready to date (which is true) but I want to remain as friends. I think this text makes me sound like a jerk but I am just not sure how to handle it to be honest with you. I just want to be straight forward before he gets too attached and hurt.
    I'm sorry, but you are indeed a jerk. No, that's not an attack, a swipe, or a summary assessment. It is what you did. You felt awkward, so you avoided being a human. Texts are inhuman. They aren't telepathy. They are little two-dimensional displays that convey one-dimensional ideas. They lack human touch, warmth, faces, and interaction.

    But, it isn't unforgivable. Do the right thing. Go to him with a simple apology and explain that it was awkward and that you unthinkingly used texting to avoid something painful, but that it was wrong and that you want better between you two, even if it is just as a friend for now. Don't make a big production or mea culpa -- just be honest, and confess that treating such an important conversation as a text was a mistake.

    It sounds like you have a good thing going, despite your qualms. This is a great opportunity to make some more strides forward. Your honesty here is a good sign. Always be careful about using the little cell phone screen in circumstances that demand humanity.

    Last edited by Dejavudoo; October 25th, 2013 at 03:18 AM.

  4. #4

    Re: not ready to date

    I started dating my current boyfriend about 3 weeks after I broke up with my cheatig ex. It wasnt just cheating. He got an std from it and then sleptmwith me so he could blame me for the std. He knew I was a ho before I dated him. Anyway, it didn't work and I remained std free.

    I guess its different for everybody. I moved on just like that. Probably why I'm so messed up LOL.

  5. #5
    nerd of prey hylas's Avatar
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    Re: not ready to date

    You're not obliged to date him. It's ok for you to feel that he's moving too fast, or that you're not ready yet, or whatever.
    Break things off with him if that's what you want or need.
    But know that "remain friends" is usually code for "I don't hate you, exactly, but I'm not particularly interested in ever seeing you again, either", and that's most likely how he will take it, whether you meant it or not.

  6. #6
    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: not ready to date

    I would also recommend not to take your therapist at his word. Not because he's lying or necessarily wrong, but because YOU are the one who can tell if you are ready to date, or not. It's been a year, that's plenty of time to move on. If you liked the guy, there's nothing wrong with exploring where it could go, whether your therapists says you're ready, or not.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

  7. #7
    JUB Addict maxpowr9's Avatar
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    Re: not ready to date

    Your lost, not his. Your own insecurities turned away a potential partner. That's how I view this situation.

  8. #8
    JUB Addict journo25's Avatar
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    Re: not ready to date

    Don't let a good one get away because you are taking your therapist's recommendations as Gospel. He/she doesn't want to see you get hurt. You know best... but I think waiting a year to date again is rather excessive.

  9. #9

    Re: not ready to date

    We went on 4 dates already, and I didn't get that butterflies feelings in my stomach. I just didn't want to lead him on to something that may or may not happen. Maybe, I didn't let my heart fully open to dating possibility yet, etc ... But the end, he is a nice guy and I didn't want to get him hurt. We are going to meet and talk things through tomorrow night, but I think I am pretty sure that I don't want to be in a relationship with him.

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