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Thread: Advice?

  1. #1
    Virgin LatinJay's Avatar
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    Advice?

    I'm going to apologize in advance for whats going to be a lengthy post. I just need to vent, and maybe get some advice.

    I'm a married male, 32, bi. A year ago, I met another married guy, 31, bi, who I fell for pretty hard. I love this guy. Hard.

    I was looking for a friend with benefits type deal, but found so much more.

    Prior to meeting this guy, my experience with guys was pretty limited. I messed around with a good friend in public school for a couple years (just oral and jerking off). Curiousity mostly.

    I went to high school, met and hooked up with a couple chicks, then met my wife. My interest in guys was always there, just sort of in the background. I loved my wife, and got sex whenever I wanted.

    I took a job in another city, where I was away from home for a week or two at a time, and maybe it was the loneliness or just pure male-horniness, but, I started looking for a guy that I could trust for some discreet, no strings attached exploring. I checked POF, and Craigslist, and found some interesting people. I emailed, chatted, exchanged pics, and met one or two for coffee or beer, but never felt any connection. No attraction.

    Then I met CJ. A cop, 10 years older than me, great body, and awesome personality. We met up, chatted, had beers a few times, and eventually, ended up hooking up. No fucking. Just jerking off together to porn, and once or twice, he sucked me off. I never came when he blew me though - I think because the whole thing was sort of uncomfortable - new situation, new experience, that kind of thing. We messed around for almost 6 months.

    He changed his division, moved further away, and it ended. We still chatted, but the distance made getting together difficult.

    It was back to searching. I joined A4A met some guys that I chatted with, exchanged emails and pics, went out for beers with. Never hooked up with any of them. Again, there didnt seem to be any connection, or attraction. Then I met CB, on A4A. Same age, same life situation, same interests. We hit it off good. I told him about CJ, and made it clear that I had never fucked the guy. CB and I had an incredible summer together, meeting up whenever we could.

    Towards the end of the summer, I tested positive for Chlamydia. I asked CB if he'd been tested, and he said he had. That he was clear. That left CJ. It was hard for me to believe, especially after googling, because the only thing CJ and I had ever done aside from having him blow me twice, was jerk off. I had to tell my wife, (though, I lied, and told her it was female that I had had a one night stand with), who got tested and was also positive for Chlamydia. CB became increasingly distant. He went and got tested after I told him, and said he still tested negative. By the fall, CB was avoiding me - which is understandable, I guess, given the circumstances. We talked about it, and it wasn't because of the Chlamydia, it was because he thought I had accused him of being the one I caught it from - which wasn't the case. I mean, I had to ask him, no?

    My wife and I got treated, worked on our marriage, and got ourselves back on track. CB and I didnt see each other till spring, and he barely talked to me before that. Eventually, he came around and we grew closer together. Things were great.

    Fast forward to last week. Wednesday, he came over, we chatted, we fucked, it was incredible as always. Thursday night, I was working, but he wanted to meet up. It was tough to get a break, and he seemed kinda pissed. I managed to create a small window of time for us to hook up, but he was still sorta weird in his text messages. I went to his place, and we got things started. He is more of a giver - loves to please. I made it clear that it wasn't always fair that I got off, and he didn't. So, I managed to hold off getting hard so he'd just give in and let me work on him. I blew him, I ate him out, it was going pretty awesome. I was laying on the couch and he started to fuck my throat, hard. Like - aggressive. There were a couple times I had to push him back a little so I could breathe. I'd never seen him like that. It was new, but, oddly enough, it was kind of hot. He finished up, and I left. Didn't hear from him the rest of the night.

    Then, Friday morning, I was shopping for some new runners and he calls. We chat. he's busy, so we do our own thing. I talked to him a couple more times that day, he seems a little off, but I figure hes just busy. Friday afternoon and night, I'm working and messaging him. I can see that he's checking his messages in WhatsApp, but he isn't replying. I was in his area, and thought maybe we could do coffee or something, and nothing.

    He finally replies. His first message is "You lied!" I'm kinda taken aback. No idea what the hell he's talking about. He tells me that I lied - saying I told him that he was the only guy I'd been with. I refreshed his memory about CJ, but he just went off. Wanting a detailed history. I gave it to him. My experience when I was 12/13, all the chicks through school, everything CJ and I had done, and nothing. He still believed that I was lying. He said; "Tell me about everyone you fucked, or who fucked you. Now." So, I repeated everything - even though he was the only guy I'd ever fucked. I told him that I had chatted to plenty of guys, exchanged pics, met for beer - but hadn't done anything with them. To no avail.

    I was completely honest with him, and he just shut down completely. Wouldn't tell me where any of it had come from, or anything. He wouldn't accept any of my answers, and in the middle of the conversation just said; "Good Night".

    I was devastated. I had no idea what the hell was going on, and he wasn't really helping by not communicating. I gave him some time, and messaged him the next morning. He just sent a message that said; "Go do something." I waited all day, and tried again. He eventually tells me he "discovered something" and that if I wasn't lying, I had nothing to worry about. I asked him just to be straight with me, and he simply said; "No, I'm good."

    Messaged him today. Nothing. He is not the best communicator, especially when he is pissed. The problem is - there was nothing for him to "discover". I've never lied to him, ever. I've told him everything. I'm in love with this guy, and its killing me that he's treating me like shit. It pisses me off more that he think she knows something, and he wont just tell me what it is. It has to be a misunderstanding. Maybe he stumbled across an old profile somewhere, or one of my posts here, or maybe he is just using this whole thing as a way to create some space. But, there's nothing for him to discover.

    I fear that, if I continue to press, it will look like I'm trying to hide something. Or that, I'll just push him further away. I want him to tell me what he thinks he discovered - because its probably easily explainable. But he won't. He said; "If there's any truth behind me, I'll find out, because I'm that good." I have no idea what that means! He's so cryptic. He gives the impression that he cares, but I can't help but wonder; If he cared so much, why would he treat me like this? Why wouldn't he give me the benefit of the doubt? Or just come to me and say; "Hey, whats this about?"

    I'm desperate here. I know I'll survive without him. But. I love this guy. I don't want to lose him, but, he's making it hard to hold on. What do I do? I want us. I want this to get resolved.

  2. #2
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Advice?

    What do you mean when you write that you and your wife "are back on track?" Sometimes you don't get to have it all.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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    Virgin LatinJay's Avatar
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    Re: Advice?

    I mean my wife and I moved past it. The cheating, the Chlamydia.

    And you're right, sometimes you don't get to have it all. But I have it all. Why not try and hold onto it?

    Most of my life, it felt like there was something missing till I found him. It's there. I found it. I don't want to lose it.

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    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Advice?

    My comment came from my confusion as to whether you're trying to juggle two primary relationships and if your wife knows or if it's a secret.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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    Re: Advice?

    I have a hard time giving advice to someone cheating, especially while claiming to having gotten beyond it with his wife. When you live a double life, isn't this mess about what you can expect? This guy thinks you are lying to him. How do you convince him you aren't when he already knows you are not being honest with your wife. It's like a mistress accusing the man of seeing other women and cheating on her while she is helping him cheat on his wife, too. Isn't it? You've gotten yourself into an ugly situation. No good can come from it. Perhaps you should get back on track with your wife again and stay there?

    I'm glad you vented, however.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

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    JUB Addict racer2438's Avatar
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    Re: Advice?

    If you're still seeking men and him Cj, you are not back on any tract. other than a tack of lies, to your wife, your guy's your talking to, and your self.

    No one can really believe a cheater.

    You can not expect everything to go smoothly while the whole time you are lying to people.
    You cant change the way the wind blow's, but you can change the angle of your sail to take you somewhere else!!

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    Impish and Mercurial Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: Advice?

    The biggest lie here is that you're bi, and you're only telling it to yourself, but this isn't the advice you're asking for, so I'll let the others deal with this.

    My 2 cents - cheating is forgivable... once. After that you're just being deliberately hurtful to someone who you should be protecting.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

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    Re: Advice?

    Fair enough. Thanks for the 2 cents Rolyo.
    Last edited by LatinJay; October 21st, 2013 at 12:56 PM.

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    Virgin LatinJay's Avatar
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    Re: Advice?

    I'm not talking to other guys, or seeking out other guys. He's a married guy himself, which puts this whole thing on a whole other dimension of fucked up. Technically, we are both cheaters. I've never lied to him. The issue is that he seems to be burnt up about a guy who happened before him. A guy I told him about in the beginning.

  10. #10
    FEAR THE LIBERAL DETENTE! TX-Beau's Avatar
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    Re: Advice?

    I'm sorry but why would anyone take what you say at face value? In your primary relationship, your WIFE, you routinely and from what I can see, without remorse violate your vows. You lie to her about that, then lie when you get caught, then go right back to doing the things that brought disease into her life.

    You are not "technically a cheater," you are the definition of cheater.

    OK. Let's ask why you are so upset he won't believe you? Have you given him reason to think you are a trustworthy partner? Are you somehow justifying in your mind that it's different to lie to one and expect trust from the other simply because you both are cheating on your wives?

    What exactly is the precedent for "honesty" you are relying on?

    You want to get this resolved? Stop cheating on your wife and either tell her what you've done and try to work it out, or leave and let her find a guy who isn't going to be out getting STD's from other cheating men.

    Harsh? Perhaps, but that is honesty too...
    ATTACK OF THE LIBERAL ELITE

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    On the Prowl Ninjato's Avatar
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    Re: Advice?

    The only way to find out what's going on is from him unfortunately. Maybe someone is using your pictures online and he found an account they made on a hookup site or maybe he's just trying to end things. It could be anything. He has a hard time communicating so doesn't seem like it'll be easy to find out what's bothering him. You should try to put him in a situation where is the most comfortable to communicate in.

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    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: Advice?

    Quote Originally Posted by LatinJay View Post
    I fear that, if I continue to press, it will look like I'm trying to hide something. Or that, I'll just push him further away. I want him to tell me what he thinks he discovered - because its probably easily explainable. But he won't. He said; "If there's any truth behind me, I'll find out, because I'm that good." I have no idea what that means! He's so cryptic. He gives the impression that he cares, but I can't help but wonder; If he cared so much, why would he treat me like this? Why wouldn't he give me the benefit of the doubt? Or just come to me and say; "Hey, whats this about?"

    I'm desperate here. I know I'll survive without him. But. I love this guy. I don't want to lose him, but, he's making it hard to hold on. What do I do? I want us. I want this to get resolved.
    The inability to communicate, the demanding nature of his desires, the subtle controlling behavior, the sudden change to more aggressive sex- these are not good signs.

    If a female friend were to relate to you this story- the guy who's controlling, angry but won't communicate and who makes unfounded accusations about cheating- what advice would you give?

    This is shaping up to be a relationship with an abusive undertone. Don't find yourself in the position of tolerating this type of behavior under the excuse of "But I love him".

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    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: Advice?

    LatinJay, you still have not experienced love.

    Love clears the eyes and lets you see that you can't expect honesty, openness, respect, and a real connection while you are refusing to give that to the people in your life.

    You've already brought one disease home for the person you married. That's supposed to be the ultimate wake-up call that you're doing it wrong, but you're still stepping out. Time to move on from all of them.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

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    Virgin LatinJay's Avatar
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    Re: Advice?

    Well. You are all right. And, eventhough I look like a total douchebag based on your replies - your thoughts gave me a bit of perspective. I didn't see it from the same angle that you guys did.

    Thanks for that.

    I guess I got some shit to figure out.

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