I'm going to apologize in advance for whats going to be a lengthy post. I just need to vent, and maybe get some advice.
I'm a married male, 32, bi. A year ago, I met another married guy, 31, bi, who I fell for pretty hard. I love this guy. Hard.
I was looking for a friend with benefits type deal, but found so much more.
Prior to meeting this guy, my experience with guys was pretty limited. I messed around with a good friend in public school for a couple years (just oral and jerking off). Curiousity mostly.
I went to high school, met and hooked up with a couple chicks, then met my wife. My interest in guys was always there, just sort of in the background. I loved my wife, and got sex whenever I wanted.
I took a job in another city, where I was away from home for a week or two at a time, and maybe it was the loneliness or just pure male-horniness, but, I started looking for a guy that I could trust for some discreet, no strings attached exploring. I checked POF, and Craigslist, and found some interesting people. I emailed, chatted, exchanged pics, and met one or two for coffee or beer, but never felt any connection. No attraction.
Then I met CJ. A cop, 10 years older than me, great body, and awesome personality. We met up, chatted, had beers a few times, and eventually, ended up hooking up. No fucking. Just jerking off together to porn, and once or twice, he sucked me off. I never came when he blew me though - I think because the whole thing was sort of uncomfortable - new situation, new experience, that kind of thing. We messed around for almost 6 months.
He changed his division, moved further away, and it ended. We still chatted, but the distance made getting together difficult.
It was back to searching. I joined A4A met some guys that I chatted with, exchanged emails and pics, went out for beers with. Never hooked up with any of them. Again, there didnt seem to be any connection, or attraction. Then I met CB, on A4A. Same age, same life situation, same interests. We hit it off good. I told him about CJ, and made it clear that I had never fucked the guy. CB and I had an incredible summer together, meeting up whenever we could.
Towards the end of the summer, I tested positive for Chlamydia. I asked CB if he'd been tested, and he said he had. That he was clear. That left CJ. It was hard for me to believe, especially after googling, because the only thing CJ and I had ever done aside from having him blow me twice, was jerk off. I had to tell my wife, (though, I lied, and told her it was female that I had had a one night stand with), who got tested and was also positive for Chlamydia. CB became increasingly distant. He went and got tested after I told him, and said he still tested negative. By the fall, CB was avoiding me - which is understandable, I guess, given the circumstances. We talked about it, and it wasn't because of the Chlamydia, it was because he thought I had accused him of being the one I caught it from - which wasn't the case. I mean, I had to ask him, no?
My wife and I got treated, worked on our marriage, and got ourselves back on track. CB and I didnt see each other till spring, and he barely talked to me before that. Eventually, he came around and we grew closer together. Things were great.
Fast forward to last week. Wednesday, he came over, we chatted, we fucked, it was incredible as always. Thursday night, I was working, but he wanted to meet up. It was tough to get a break, and he seemed kinda pissed. I managed to create a small window of time for us to hook up, but he was still sorta weird in his text messages. I went to his place, and we got things started. He is more of a giver - loves to please. I made it clear that it wasn't always fair that I got off, and he didn't. So, I managed to hold off getting hard so he'd just give in and let me work on him. I blew him, I ate him out, it was going pretty awesome. I was laying on the couch and he started to fuck my throat, hard. Like - aggressive. There were a couple times I had to push him back a little so I could breathe. I'd never seen him like that. It was new, but, oddly enough, it was kind of hot. He finished up, and I left. Didn't hear from him the rest of the night.
Then, Friday morning, I was shopping for some new runners and he calls. We chat. he's busy, so we do our own thing. I talked to him a couple more times that day, he seems a little off, but I figure hes just busy. Friday afternoon and night, I'm working and messaging him. I can see that he's checking his messages in WhatsApp, but he isn't replying. I was in his area, and thought maybe we could do coffee or something, and nothing.
He finally replies. His first message is "You lied!" I'm kinda taken aback. No idea what the hell he's talking about. He tells me that I lied - saying I told him that he was the only guy I'd been with. I refreshed his memory about CJ, but he just went off. Wanting a detailed history. I gave it to him. My experience when I was 12/13, all the chicks through school, everything CJ and I had done, and nothing. He still believed that I was lying. He said; "Tell me about everyone you fucked, or who fucked you. Now." So, I repeated everything - even though he was the only guy I'd ever fucked. I told him that I had chatted to plenty of guys, exchanged pics, met for beer - but hadn't done anything with them. To no avail.
I was completely honest with him, and he just shut down completely. Wouldn't tell me where any of it had come from, or anything. He wouldn't accept any of my answers, and in the middle of the conversation just said; "Good Night".
I was devastated. I had no idea what the hell was going on, and he wasn't really helping by not communicating. I gave him some time, and messaged him the next morning. He just sent a message that said; "Go do something." I waited all day, and tried again. He eventually tells me he "discovered something" and that if I wasn't lying, I had nothing to worry about. I asked him just to be straight with me, and he simply said; "No, I'm good."
Messaged him today. Nothing. He is not the best communicator, especially when he is pissed. The problem is - there was nothing for him to "discover". I've never lied to him, ever. I've told him everything. I'm in love with this guy, and its killing me that he's treating me like shit. It pisses me off more that he think she knows something, and he wont just tell me what it is. It has to be a misunderstanding. Maybe he stumbled across an old profile somewhere, or one of my posts here, or maybe he is just using this whole thing as a way to create some space. But, there's nothing for him to discover.
I fear that, if I continue to press, it will look like I'm trying to hide something. Or that, I'll just push him further away. I want him to tell me what he thinks he discovered - because its probably easily explainable. But he won't. He said; "If there's any truth behind me, I'll find out, because I'm that good." I have no idea what that means! He's so cryptic. He gives the impression that he cares, but I can't help but wonder; If he cared so much, why would he treat me like this? Why wouldn't he give me the benefit of the doubt? Or just come to me and say; "Hey, whats this about?"
I'm desperate here. I know I'll survive without him. But. I love this guy. I don't want to lose him, but, he's making it hard to hold on. What do I do? I want us. I want this to get resolved.