A few weeks ago I was having my yearly check-up at the doctor and found myself, for the first time in my life, admit to someone that I was gay. Then, as I explained why I was still closeted, I began to feel borderline guilt and shame. Was it right that I felt this way or should I embrace my hesitation?
Some background info, I am in my mid-20s, gay (as I said), and live in a large midwestern city. I have an openly gay uncle and brother, so it is not as if I live in an unaccepting family. Also, none of my friends are anti-gay. Still, I am hesitant to come out because I don't want people to think of me any differently just because I am gay; and when I say differently I don't mean that they would think any less of me, I mean different. There is also the fact that I don't foresee being in any type of relationship any time soon, for two reasons...
First off, I have social anxiety disorder, as in diagnosed by a psychiatrist and on medicine anxiety. This limits occasions for meeting anyone as I really don't find it very enjoyable. I can be very sociable with a small group of friends, but I am not a big fan of parties and bars and clubs are even less appealing as I don't drink. This is more of a minor hurdle (in comparison to reason #2) as it is possible that I could meet someone who I could hate going to parties with together.
My main trait that leads me to believe I will likely never be in a relationship is that I also have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Part of my OCD is that I have a fear of germs, germphobia is the completely unscientific term for it. So, for example, I don't like to shake peoples hands or open door, but I can deal with it. However, there are tons of things that I won't do because they are "germy."
So do to the combination of these two disorders I have never even kissed a guy (or girl for that matter.) I could though, the thought of making out doesn't bother me, and I think I'd be fine with blow jobs. Anything further though is basically out of the picture. The only real way to overcome OCD is through desensitization; working your way up to facing the thing you fear through gradual steps, but I don't really see how it is possible to gradually work your way up to anything anal when you don't even like to shake people's hands. So this rules out sex, and while a sexless relationship may be possible for some people, I don't think it is very realistic.
So even though I don't think I will ever actually be in a relationship with another man, is it wrong not to want to come out?