Let me preface this true story with the statement that I have NO ILLUSIONs about my "place" in the gay-dating-food-chain. At the time this begins, I am a 45 yr old homely chubby ginger bearish kinda guy. The kind of guy that is transparent, not noticeable; usually "invisible". Not the kind of guy that the following happens to:
Approximately three years ago I was contacted on a site by a guy with an amazingly attractive picture who just really showered me with incredible compliments. Now, being one who never really has this sort of thing happen, I didn't put much stock into the "realness" of his message. I could see that he was a creator of an online gay dating site, so naturally I assumed he was just trying to drum up business. In the interim leading up to the event in the next paragraph, we did have a few instances of communication. I kept the same opinion throughout that time.
Then, lo and behold, in the parade at Southern Decadence 2010, I see a familiar figure standing in the bed of a pickup truck; him. As the truck approached and came to a stop in the intersection, I excused myself from my party and approached. I attempted to introduce myself and very quickly became dumbstruck. He was ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL....and as far as I could tell didn't know me from a hole in the ground. I just walked away feeling like a complete idiot and laughed at myself the whole way. I don't know what possessed me to think I could have made any kind of impression.
Skipping over many details in this story, I jump to arriving home the next day. I sat down to check my email and found three very personal and exciting emails from Him. I was again dumbstruck, but still a little skeptical, so I "tried" to play it cool. He had told me that he had taken pics of me from his vantage point; which of course I didn't believe; and he also said he had taken a video. I quickly found out that these statements were true. I was hooked. I absolutely couldn't believe that this beautiful man could in any way shape or form find me attractive. But he did!!
Skipping over so many more details, let me just say that a long-distance correspondence ensued. Here's where the "fool" part kicks in. In hindsight, I see that I immediately skipped over all of the obligatory "steps". I instantly wanted us to be married. (humorous exaggeration) Of course there were roadblocks. The first one was that he was in a very long term relationship; a waning relationship, but still a relationship. I decided that I could work with that.
The second significant roadblock (from my perspective) was "delayed" communications from him. I took it in stride because of his presence online. I began to assume that I wasn't the only love-struck fool charmed by his "way". One of the things he had initially said to me was that he "wanted to get to know me and how would we make that happen". Well, it didn't take long for me to become impatient about that, so I took the first step. I flew out to meet him. I had made a personal commitment that the trip would NOT be a booty call. I wanted to see how real this guy was.
The first meeting was nothing short of ELECTRIC. I was absolutely blown away. But there were certain disappointments that caused me to leave thinking I had made a mistake (more details omitted here). Hindsight: I was the thirsty fool that assumed too much. But the correspondence carried on. I had high hopes of him travelling to see me, but his circumstances prevented this. So, I made a second visit. This visit was a bit more cool. We had had some dust-ups in the interim because of my insecurities (and over-reaching notions).
Even after all of that, he still kept talking to me, and chastising me for doubting his sincerity at times. The more this happened, the more I lowered my low-self-esteem-guards and believed. It was so difficult. And I was in love.
FINALLY, one day I got the best news.....He had left the BF!!! and moved to somewhere else. Well, it wasn't quite all that. The BF re-appeared very shortly. Then after some time, they really did split. I was still waiting for a visit, but the closest he came was Southern Decadence again (2011) so I drove over for dinner on the Thursday. It was an odd visit. A tropical storm was moving thru that year. I decided to see him again on Saturday; couldn't find him; the imagination went wild; ALL of the insecurities came raging back with a vengance; and we had a big falling out. It hurt so much.
Like they say, time heals, and we started communicating again. I was still in love. I had to give credence that he still would talk to me. Again, patience waned and I made another trip to visit. This time, I wanted more than a visit; and I got it. It was....WOW. Yet there were aspects of the visit that felt "strained". Something was up. I tried to find it, but he mostly denied and again chastised my doubt.
Skipping details and fast-fwd to most recent. I find out in conversation that there had been another "me" for quite some time. That venture had ended badly and now he was hinting to me that "it might be time" for these things to happen that I have been wanting to happen. I was still trying to process this new-found knowledge and rectify it with things I had been told for the past three years when BAM!.... he shut the conversation down and basically ended our "relationship".
It literally took me a few days of processing to realize that I had been played; that I had been the "backup plan"; that so many of my gut-feelings were absolutely on point.
And that I still love him.
This is an absolutely true story. I am not without fault in this narrative. But I was a fool.
I hope that it can be seen by someone like me and he can know that he is worth more than allowing himself to be taken for a fool.
I should have been more "cool" from the beginning. It would have changed this whole story. I wish I had been.
If you've made it this far, I thank you for "listening". Huggz.