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  1. #1
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    Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    As a long-time contributor to this community, I want to open up the discussion between our readers and other members of this community who provide advice and help. For years, we have frequently received thread after thread of guys venting to us that their boyfriends barely have sex with them, is too controlling of what kind of sex they can have, etc. Here is my personal consensus on the matter so future readers can view this thread to answer their always similar questions:

    Guys,
    Sex is a need for your relationship. You should be having regular, healthy and consistent intervals of sex with your boyfriend. You should be having the kind of sex you need. Are you versatile? Then you should be topping and bottoming. Do you like oral and being rimmed? Then you and your boyfriend should be slobbering all over each other's cocks and licking those butts just before you stick it in!

    Yes, the most important part of a relationship is love, but so is sex. Very few exceptions aside, men generally form an intimate bond that leads to a relationship based on the physical intimacy they have with each other. There is rarely a relationship that is founded on celibacy. When you're with your guy, you want to have sex with him, frequently and often.

    I have been in a five year relationship where the sex dried up, and it wrecked havoc on our relationship. I was stressed out and miserable waiting for the next time we were going to have sex as my partner turned me down over and over again. Eventually, opening up the relationship to try to find supplemental sexual gratification was just the final nail on the coffin. It was a terrible breakup in part to the breakdown of our sexual relationship.

    I have seen the same problem plague so many friends of mine where one partner is sexually dissatisfied over the other. They argue, they fight. They try to experiment outside the relationship and that creates even more problems. I know a couple where one is versatile but his boyfriend is a jealous, controlling top. They have been together for years and I am watching my versatile friend slowly fall apart both emotionally and psychologically because he feels so sexually repressed.



    Take a look at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. As you can see, sex is a physiological need along with breathing, food, water, and sleep. All of these needs are a daily requirement in your life, and sex should be no different. Not everyone has to have it every day, but it should be a normal function of your life.


    According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, sex is a need beyond even safety and the desire to love and belong. Therefore, sex supersedes the emotional and intimate feelings you have for your boyfriend. Do not let your relationship or boyfriend drag you down into a sexless life. If you got into a relationship where you were having sex multiple times a week only to find yourself having sex once every three months, this is a problem!

    Solutions:
    1. Communicate with your boyfriend - This is the first and most important step to resolving your need for sex. Life, work, or coasting along in a relationship can make your partner feel too comfortable or lethargic about your sex life. Oftentimes, he has no idea you are this sexually dissatisfied. Communicating with him about your needs can often bring about positive change.

    2. Switch-up the sex life - This is more than just communicating, but it is changing the dynamic of how you have sex. Sometimes a boyfriend is just tired of doing the same thing over and over again. Other times, they don't want to always do anal sex but would be willing to do oral or jerk you off a lot more. Finding a consensus of what your partner is willing to do more of, may find a solution here.

    3. Open your relationship - If you find yourself at an impasse with your boyfriend about your sex life, then it's time to have a discussion about a open relationship. This can include a variety of different rules customized by your relationship's needs. This carries a lot of risk to the relationship, but it is a solution to fulfilling your need for sex.

    4. Break-up with your boyfriend - This is the extreme final solution, but it is sometimes necessary. We experience men on these forums who have been in a relationship for 2, 5, even 10 years where their sex life has dried up and they are incredibly miserable, resentful of their partner, and may even have already cheated on their boyfriend. Don't spend your life living sexless out of love for your partner. You only become older and more resentful in the end. We have a finite time on this Earth, don't waste it coming to resent your partner. It is better to let a boyfriend go after 2 years, then watch 10 years go by unhappy.


    I hope you found this topic helpful. Remember, sex is an important part of the love you have for your boyfriend. It is essential to most relationships, and is a need for your physiological well-being. If you have any questions, please respond back to this topic at any time. For our contributing members, please share your thoughts and other advice below.
    #439th oldest member on JUB.

  2. #2
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    A thoughtful and appreciated Thread.

    I hope it will arrive as good advice to many.

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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    (Note: This analysis is not meant to discount the few exceptions where relationships have compromised on sexual intimacy. In mutual agreement, partners have limited their sexual intimacy due to short-term long distances, aging, or personal illness. However, it requires acceptance and understanding from both sides for this kind of relationship to be successful. Such an agreement should never be one-sided in compromising your sexual health and well-being.)
    #439th oldest member on JUB.

  4. #4

    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    I believe there's a general consensus on this topic.
    However, to play a bit of devil's advocate or to just bring up an important point, I've also seen too many relationships where sex was TOO important.

    I'm talking about relationships that were founded on sex or where sexual needs became too demanding with no room for compromise or when sex was the only reason a couple stayed together.

    I think your post is great and needed. However, I'd caution that communication and an open mind are the most important factors in making your sex life work. And these two qualities are a necessity from both partners.

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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    different relationships are different.

    I dated a guy with no sex drive... tbh, it wasn't a deal breaker and it wasn't the reason our relationship ended. I could have lived pretty happily with him and my right hand, except for the fact that the "no sex drive" went so far as to make him not even desire intimacy (never wanted to cuddle, little-to-no interest in kissing). but just the physical act of sex? yeah, I could have lived without it.

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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Thanks for this great advice thread

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    I am completely with the OP. Unless you're among the minority with low to no sex drive, you will have needs that are deeply tied to your emotional and psychological health, and those needs have to be met.

    I also want to add that the Puritan culture America sprang around has turned the need for sex into something shameful, and often the moment you express dissatisfaction with your sex life, there are people - including on this forum. - that start accusing you of only caring about sex. I insist that there should never be a sense of guilt in addressing the fact that you're physically unsatisfied, same as there isn't one in complaining that you're cold. And usually, people who attack others for complaining about unsatisfying sex life, only do it out of a misplaced sense of superiority anyway.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
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  8. #8

    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Maslow's pyramid is incredibly useful for understanding ourselves and others. Really brilliant. Thanks for this.

  9. #9
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Couples also need to know they are not on their own figuring things out. Couple's therapy can work if both parties are willing to be honest and willing to work at preserving and improving a relationship. Things come naturally for some but not for others. All of us come to relationships with baggage. Stubbornness is probably the biggest obstacle to any relationship.
    Last edited by Seasoned; September 3rd, 2013 at 08:44 PM.
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Just_Believe18 View Post

    Take a look at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. As you can see, sex is a physiological need along with breathing, food, water, and sleep. All of these needs are a daily requirement in your life, and sex should be no different. Not everyone has to have it every day, but it should be a normal function of your life.

    According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, sex is a need beyond even safety and the desire to love and belong. Therefore, sex supersedes the emotional and intimate feelings you have for your boyfriend.
    Whilst recognising the need for a healthy sexual life.....with our partner....

    .....Maslow's views have been recognised for their specific focus on the highly individualistic, self serving personality with the emotional, familial, and support elements that provide a solid foundation for a healthy loving relationship noticeably absent from his survey....and to equate our sexual life with our absolute need to sleep, breath, eat food, and drink water to live might well be considered an unhealthy, and obsessive focus on sexual matters that speaks to specific personality issues driving ones priorities.

    To imagine that sex takes precedence over our personal safety, security , and need (not desire) to love, and be loved in return assumes that human life has been reduced to some sort of robotic appliance stripped of our emotional needs with the human need for affection eliminated.

    It can be said that Maslow's chart is simple, orderly, intuitively sensible, cognitively appealing, and offering order out of chaos, the hierarchy of needs is appealing to those persons seeking order in their life......but, little supporting evidence has been found for the ranking of needs that Maslow described, or even for the existence of a definite hierarchy at all.

    Social connections drives, and under pins the needs of each human person for shelter, safety, sex, leadership, community, competence and trust, all dependent on our ability to connect with others. Belonging to a community provides the sense of security and agency that assist us to develop happiness, and fulfilment with our willingness to sacrifice something of our self for others in need evidence that love is the driving force behind all our friendships, and intimate relationships without which we cannot thrive within a community of socially conscious people.

    It's always mind broadening to discuss popular theories teaching us that each human being responds to the stimuli of our life's journey according to our experiences, and that those understandings grow with the passage of time to reflect our developing maturity, and wisdom born out of implementing the lessons that life teaches us to better know who we are.

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    Know thyself kallipolis's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    Couples also need to know they are not in their own figuring things out. Couple's therapy can work if both parties are willing to be honest and willing to work at preserving and improving a relationship. Things come naturally for some but not for others. All of us come to relationships with baggage. Stubbornness is probably the biggest obstacle to any relationship.
    Ignorance, and self centredness is often the driving force of such immature behaviour....I agree with your observation.

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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    I think that a little bit of empathy goes a long way when it comes to communication and sexual expression. Too many people are completely consumed with what they need and forget that the person they claim to "love" may have issues to overcome that need time and patience.

    The first things that come to my mind are sexual abuse from their childhood or a horrible fear of AIDS and equating sex with death. Fear is a VERY powerful force...so is denial.... and since the statistics on child sexual abuse are staggering there are a lot of people walking around with repressed memories or severe psychological roadblocks where any kind of sexual expression is a threat.

    If someone is already feeling helpless or incapable of overcoming their obstacles these kinds of charts may hurt them a lot more than help them as feeling worthless is a staple of many abuse survivors.

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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    It may be a need for most relationships but it is preposterous to put it anywhere near breathing, nutrition or hydration in terms of actual needs. I've always had a very low sexual libido but I think communicating the desires, wants and wishes with your partner (LTR or short term) is key. Having a lot or constant sex may be what a lot of guys want but just working it out will do the trick in any situation.

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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by nobodyspecial View Post
    It may be a need for most relationships but it is preposterous to put it anywhere near breathing, nutrition or hydration in terms of actual needs. I've always had a very low sexual libido but I think communicating the desires, wants and wishes with your partner (LTR or short term) is key. Having a lot or constant sex may be what a lot of guys want but just working it out will do the trick in any situation.
    Agreed. Am another low sex drive person here too lol.

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    Low sex drive people really need to chill the F out. OP is not telling you how much sex you should be having so stop acting like this topic is attacking you. Ultimately, you are a minority and there's no judgment in this statement. You simply are. And for YOU to lead a healthy sex life means not feeling pressured into having sex more often than you'd want.

    BUT

    It is imperative for the hornier guys among us to understand and be aware that it's ok to be unsatisfied and to want more quantity/variety/quality. And again no offense to low-drive boys, but just like nobody has the right to force you to have sex, you don't have the right to guilt-trip others into shutting up when they don't get what they need from you.

    This is the main reason I say that sex drive incompatibility is not a surmountable problem. Because we want what we want and it's nobody's fault when we don't want the same thing.
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  16. #16

    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    Low sex drive people really need to chill the F out. OP is not telling you how much sex you should be having so stop acting like this topic is attacking you. Ultimately, you are a minority and there's no judgment in this statement. You simply are. And for YOU to lead a healthy sex life means not feeling pressured into having sex more often than you'd want.

    BUT

    It is imperative for the hornier guys among us to understand and be aware that it's ok to be unsatisfied and to want more quantity/variety/quality. And again no offense to low-drive boys, but just like nobody has the right to force you to have sex, you don't have the right to guilt-trip others into shutting up when they don't get what they need from you.

    This is the main reason I say that sex drive incompatibility is not a surmountable problem. Because we want what we want and it's nobody's fault when we don't want the same thing.
    Sometimes sex isn't everything. And I know you don't have a ton of experience but rarely do you find someone with the same tastes and same drive who is also compatible in all the other more important ways.

    So maybe you need to chill the F out? I don't understand why you're being so aggressive. Guilt-tripping? Where is that coming from?

    I think it's good to present all perspectives in this thread because at the end of the day, it's about communication and understanding.

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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Just_Believe18
    Sex is a need for your relationship. You should be having regular, healthy and consistent intervals of sex with your boyfriend.
    So I can't have a 'boyfriend' with just the 'love' part and not so much the 'sex' part ?? ...
    (not that I ever expect to find anyone anyway LOL but I'm fine with being single too )

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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    I wouldn't accept an asexual relationship unless there were a medical reason that prevented physical intimacy. Even then I would still want sexual affection with my guy, even if it was limited.

    I would say I have an average sex drive, so I could adapt to my guy wanting more or less within reason. Ultimately though, I like sex. I'm pro-sex. If we had time and money to spare, I would probably want to have sex throughout the day. And I don't instinctively relate to people who can say "I've had enough sex, thank you." To me that's like saying "I've had enough of space exploration," or "The world has enough symphonies already" or "No, we don't really need any new restaurants because there are enough flavours." Too many parks! Too many mountain vistas.
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by 72-Jay View Post
    So I can't have a 'boyfriend' with just the 'love' part and not so much the 'sex' part ?? ...
    (not that I ever expect to find anyone anyway LOL but I'm fine with being single too )
    Love without the physical element is kinda like... well, friendship. Might as well go with a girl, yes?
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by LuckysRevenge View Post
    Sometimes sex isn't everything. And I know you don't have a ton of experience but rarely do you find someone with the same tastes and same drive who is also compatible in all the other more important ways.

    So maybe you need to chill the F out? I don't understand why you're being so aggressive. Guilt-tripping? Where is that coming from?

    I think it's good to present all perspectives in this thread because at the end of the day, it's about communication and understanding.
    Correction - sex is NEVER everything. However, neither is food, or air, or water. See where I'm getting with this? And if you don't understand why I am being so "aggressive", then perhaps you need to spend more time in this forum first, and see how often people are criticized for voicing dissatisfaction with their sex life.

    There are no "perspectives" on the question of "is it ok to feel unsatisfied". Yes, it is. Period. Of course there needs to be communication, but it comes AFTER the recognition of this one fact. Puritan sex guilt has no place in romantic relationships.
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    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    This may have been a good idea for the coming out forum, but since some of you seem to need to be "right" rather than agree that people are all different and compatability in general is an issue for all couples, I'm moving this thread to hot topics. And, on that note, Rolyo, with maturity I hope you can get to the place where you can readily discern fact from opinion. While you can and do offer good advice you often universalize your experience and growth into a model for everyone. Sometimes listening will give you great insight into how others think, feel and process.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    Love without the physical element is kinda like... well, friendship. Might as well go with a girl, yes?
    No. There is more than just physical intimacy. The love I have for my boyfriend isnt exactly the love I have for family/friends.

  23. #23
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Well, it just makes me want to go into the adjoining office and fuck my partner on the desk.

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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Pictures, or it didn't happen.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    Pictures, or it didn't happen.
    I disagree with the moving of my thread to Hot Topics and would like to see it placed back in the Coming, Relationships and Bisex Talk sub-forum. Not every thread in that forum is about someone asking for advice. It's a "talk" forum for discussion about issues related to relationships that are always brought up. This thread is meant to help people who frequently view that forum and is an evolving discussion. I actually had some changes and additions in mind that I wanted to forward to the moderators to update the original post based on contributions by other member's replies.
    #439th oldest member on JUB.

  26. #26

    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Just_Believe18 View Post
    I disagree with the moving of my thread to Hot Topics and would like to see it placed back in the Coming, Relationships and Bisex Talk sub-forum. Not every thread in that forum is about someone asking for advice. It's a "talk" forum for discussion about issues related to relationships that are always brought up. This thread is meant to help people who frequently view that forum and is an evolving discussion. I actually had some changes and additions in mind that I wanted to forward to the moderators to update the original post based on contributions by other member's replies.
    I think Seasoned explained it pretty well.

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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    I absolutely agree. This is not a Hot Topics thread and its place is in CO&R.

    And I am sorry, Seasoned, but if we don't accept that it is a natural and guilt-free thing to be unsatisfied with your sex life, and that it's ok to communicate it to your partner as fact, then we pretty much have no business having an advice forum to begin with, don't you think? Yes, my opinions are often extreme, but on this one issue no amount of listening can change my position, and there have been posts in this very topic emphasizing the need for me to express it.
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Sorry, that's a no-flame forum and it was getting to be more a thread about who's right rather than being helpful to someone who might be struggling. I don't have the time or patience to check this thread on a daily basis to expunge violating posts. As a concession I left a permanent re-direct.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by LuckysRevenge View Post
    I think Seasoned explained it pretty well.
    It's a thread, related to relationships. Seasoned didn't explain why it should not be in the forum that deals with relationships.
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    Sorry, that's a no-flame forum and it was getting to be more a thread about who's right rather than being helpful to someone who might be struggling. I don't have the time or patience to check this thread on a daily basis to expunge violating posts. As a concession I left a permanent re-direct.
    The no-flame rule - as it has been consistently explained to me - applies exclusively to threads asking for advice, no? This is a discussion thread and we are grown up enough not to turn it into a disaster zone without daily supervision. Nobody here is attacked for their personal situation or while having come for help and advice.
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    I absolutely agree. This is not a Hot Topics thread and its place is in CO&R.

    And I am sorry, Seasoned, but if we don't accept that it is a natural and guilt-free thing to be unsatisfied with your sex life, and that it's ok to communicate it to your partner as fact, then we pretty much have no business having an advice forum to begin with, don't you think? Yes, my opinions are often extreme, but on this one issue no amount of listening can change my position, and there have been posts in this very topic emphasizing the need for me to express it.
    The problem arises when you continue to reexpress it. I see that as beating it to death and bullying and intimidation.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  32. #32
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    The no-flame rule - as it has been consistently explained to me - applies exclusively to threads asking for advice, no? This is a discussion thread and we are grown up enough not to turn it into a disaster zone without daily supervision. Nobody here is attacked for their personal situation or while having come for help and advice.
    BINGO!!! That's why it is now in a discussion forum. What part of no-flame FORUM don't you understand?
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    The part where you take a good topic off a forum where it can do good and place it into one where it will be spammed to death within a few days.

    But you're God, who am I to argue with you.

    Also, thank you for calling me a bully while killing off a topic. Because I am the one with the powers of intimidation here.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
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  34. #34
    mitchymo
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    The chart mentions sex as a physiological need. I find this personally to be half-true. I couldn't imagine not being able to sexually satisfy myself if and when i wanted or needed to, but i do chuckle that its placed on a par with breathing and water. I think probably because its not really a physiological need at all, rather that the physical act has massive positive effects psychologically. Sex tends only to be relevant to those who feel they need it.
    It doesn't express the parameters of the sex which is necessary either. For me, wanking is enough to keep me happy until the right guy comes along, for others, not even a standard sexual relationship is enough, and have to engage in fetishism in their sex life in order to get the fulfillment they desire. So to say it is necessary is a little dubious, as it depends entirely on the individual and the level of sexual activity that satisfies their need.
    In relation to Love/Belonging, on the chart. It mentions sexual intimacy, but again, this does not imply penetrative sex, blow-jobs and rimming. Kissing and hugging someone who psychologically means more to you than any other good friend surely constitutes that sexual intimacy, or does it not count unless dick and ass intertwine?

    The OP is relevant to those who care about sex as being of great importance, and not so relevant to those who may place romance and companionship higher on the list. Using the chart to back up the view of the OP is a little misused in my opinion.

    Sex is a healthy part of any relationship, but it is NOT essential, it just isn't. Those who think otherwise have a greater need for it for whatever reason. Like i said earlier, its not like oxygen or water. Some straight guys go to prison and engage in gay sex because they need it, others can manage just fine wanking, and some people cannot have sex because of physical impossibilities. I haven't heard yet of impotence being connected with suicide for example.

    I'm sorry to sound harsh, but i feel this OP is far less 'good advice' and much more 'hedonistic'. The OP seeks to resolve individual situations with the same mantra, one based on a specific opinion. It encourages sex as being of greater importance than it is, and that weakens relationships by placing the pleasures of the flesh over the needs of the soul. The chart acknowledges sex, but it does not dictate parameters, so its wrong to imply that sex should be 'this' type, or of 'that' frequency etc etc.

    This advice may get the nod of approval from guys with high sex-drives and a need to engage with others in order to satisfy that, (i have a high sex drive but need no more than masturbation), but for guys with low sex-drives, this thread is a bit of a smack in the mouth. It essentially implies that the fault of a faultering relationship is theirs when it may not be the case. The OP seems to be of the opinion that those not giving sex have the problem, rather than the very plausible possibility that another's necessity for sex is an indicator of their own psychological inadequacies.

    Relationships need specific advice, not a one post answer to everyone who comes along with similar problems. So whilst i think the OP offers some good advice about resolving lack of sex in a relationship, i don't agree that determining the one seeking advice is 'in the right' so to speak, from the get go, and that if they aren't getting the sex they want then its worth going elsewhere or ending a relationship over it.

    My advice, if you feel like your sex life is lacking, talk to your partner, talk to a relationship councilor, DO NOT talk to JUB members, as you'll get varying opinions. You need to resolve this by talking with your partner, and involving a councilor if you can't resolve it yourselves. There you'll get some professional guidance, and not the guru kind of advice you see on forums all over the net.
    Advice about health, finances, work, fair enough, we all have them in common enough, but relationships are far more complex and relative. There is not necessarily an immediate right or wrong, but this OP tries to imply that the sex 'needer' is in the right. If you are actually the one with extraordinary sexual needs, then will you ever be happy under the false belief that you are right to want sex on a frequent basis and in a manner of your liking all the time?

    Some people are destined to a life of sexual unfulfillment because they desire too much for sex, not necessarily because their partner isn't putting out.

  35. #35
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    I'm done after this. I'm no god and would rather not interfere. Please go back to some of the threads where you repeatedly have weighed in and show me where you have changed your mind or made any type of concession. I'm not saying that you're not a valued member. You are tireless and I know you have proven yourself helpful many, many times. Please try to understand that what you find true and useful in your life may not fit for someone else. If there were only one truth we could record it all here and be done.

    Now, if a couple of you wish to draft something helpful, useful and with info to other information and links, I'd be happy to review it and include it in the Coming Out Forum's sticky notes.
    Last edited by Seasoned; September 4th, 2013 at 09:27 PM.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  36. #36
    JUB Addict Ninja108's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Yes sex is a fulfulling part of a relationship and without it,many will falter.
    My bf and I have sex at least 4-6 times a week and it helps bond us physically and emotionally.
    I will also say this,if sex is all you have,your relationship won't last either.
    Communication is key,everything else will fall into place.

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    Well all else aside (and I do see the point in nuancing the message better in regards to sex drive varieties), I have a huge problem with the obvious implication in Mitch's post that there is a correlation "sex/soul" and one is at the expense of the other. It goes again into Puritan thinking where the carnal is sinful and shameful, should rarely be talked about and never too actively/obviously sought. That's a religion-based thinking that quickly and seamlessly melds into slut-shaming, and I won't stand for it.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

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    JUB Addict luckynumbah7's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Scealle View Post
    Agreed. Am another low sex drive person here too lol.
    I'll third the notion, but my sex drive is incredibly high. Sex isn't remotely like breathing. There's a difference between sex helping mental stability and your body dieing without air.
    If I blow your mind, do you promise not to think in my mouth? - Unknown

  39. #39
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    I think asexuality is like veganism. The vegans swear they get the essential fatty acids from somewhere

    And rolyo I think you're overanalyzing it.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

  40. #40
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Who has the right to tell any couple what they need? Sex is important to me, but I don't assume that is true of others, necessarily.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  41. #41
    ForeverSingle+Unloveable 72-Jay's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85
    Quote Originally Posted by 72-Jay
    So I can't have a 'boyfriend' with just the 'love' part and not so much the 'sex' part ?? ...
    (not that I ever expect to find anyone anyway LOL but I'm fine with being single too )
    Love without the physical element is kinda like... well, friendship. Might as well go with a girl, yes?
    I see it as something more than friends because I'd still want some physical contact like kissing/cuddling/etc, its just the sex part I'm not sure is something I'd go for...
    Don't quite know how to explain it but I basically see 'love' as a different level - an internal/mental/feeling type thing


    Oh and for me...actually if the right girl came along yeah that might work too as far as love goes. but i'd say have even less interest in sex there ?
    (lol she'd also have to understand kids would _never_ be an option)

  42. #42
    JUB Addict darden's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    I think it's absolutely possible to have intimacy without sex (and likewise, sex without intimacy)

    I love sex, but I could go the rest of my life without being able to get off to anything but my own right hand and I'd survive fine... but I couldn't fathom going without physical intimacy that extends beyond what I'd share with a friend (eg: I don't spend nights cuddling and making out with my friends on the couch)

  43. #43
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    ^This . I spent a few years in "The wilderness" , i honestly could have gone without full-on sex AD INFINITUM .
    What was destroying me , was the lack of intimacy
    Coming home , no-one to cuddle and chat with . No-one to snuggle up and watch a bit of telly with , just cooking for one , my whole Life -Routine as i had known it for years was suddenly gone .

    I consider myself to be one very lucky MF , that has been given a second chance at love .

    At the end of the day , MAN , is a Social Animal , to what degree varies .

  44. #44
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Ha, I love that relationships aren't even mentioned on this pyramid.

  45. #45
    mitchymo
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    Well all else aside (and I do see the point in nuancing the message better in regards to sex drive varieties), I have a huge problem with the obvious implication in Mitch's post that there is a correlation "sex/soul" and one is at the expense of the other. It goes again into Puritan thinking where the carnal is sinful and shameful, should rarely be talked about and never too actively/obviously sought. That's a religion-based thinking that quickly and seamlessly melds into slut-shaming, and I won't stand for it.
    Can you accept that sex is not just pleasure for the body, but for the mind also? If you can, then you cannot deny that sex has a bearing on your psychological well-being.
    For people who feel they NEED sex, for a relationship to be purposeful, its speaks volumes about the individual. This is why i took issue with the thread's angle that sex is somehow an absolute that MUST be engaged in, and that it was directed as advice that fits all, encouraging those who feel they lack sex as being the injured party in a relationship, when it could very well be that the person asking for advice actually cares more about sex than their boyfriend (in which case its the other guy that has a right to be pissed about the effects of sex on the relationship).

    I wouldn't have piped up if the thread was targeted towards guys who need sex to be instrumental in order to have a successful relationship with their partner. Instead, it implied that sex was somehow a standardized thing that we should all be doing the same way and the same frequency etc etc, within our different relationships in order for that relationship to work. Its simply false. We can each have relationships, but those are with different people, and we are different ourselves.

    I have a high sex drive, i can't keep my hands off of myself whilst i'm single, so it'd be a challenge and a half to stop me doing the same if i had a fella, but, it wouldn't be a dealbreaker if the guy i fall for doesn't have a great interest in sex, it just wouldn't. Sex is great, fantastic, awesome, brilliant, megafun, but i don't NEED to have sex with another person in order to have a working relationship. If you can accept that there ARE people in the world who don't view sex in the same way that you necessarily do, then you will cease to get your knickers in a twist about the fact that someone who expresses a different view is not 'having a go' at those who this OP speaks to loudest, just that the OP didn't consider that advice being offered is relative to not everybody, even if it can rightly be said, most.

    My response was a counterpoint to the OP, not an attack on anyone's moral fiber, so puritanical thinking and slut-shaming is an extreme thing to respond with. Especially since its the 'traditional' attitude towards sex which is being undermined by this OP. Neither is a bad thing, that was essentially my point, and should have been considered before assuming we all think the same about relationships.

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    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by TheSpectatingLoner View Post
    Ha, I love that relationships aren't even mentioned on this pyramid.
    I think you're missing the difference between sex and sexual intimacy.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Yes , he is .

  48. #48
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by darden View Post
    I think it's absolutely possible to have intimacy without sex (and likewise, sex without intimacy)

    I love sex, but I could go the rest of my life without being able to get off to anything but my own right hand and I'd survive fine... but I couldn't fathom going without physical intimacy that extends beyond what I'd share with a friend (eg: I don't spend nights cuddling and making out with my friends on the couch)
    Absolutely! I couldn't agree more! And intimacy is much harder to find than the mechanics of Insert Tab A in Slot B.

  49. #49
    JUB Addict umjreon88's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    I totally agree with all those who said that sex and sexual intimacy are needs, especially Just_Believe18!
    "... You think the only people who are people
    Are the people who look and think like you ..." - Colours of the Wind by Vanessa Williams

  50. #50
    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: Boyfriends: Yes, sex is a NEED in your relationship

    Sex is a need. And like any need, people have it in different varieties and degrees.

    My point - from the very beginning - is that an instinctive response to "I am not satisfied with my sex life" in this forum (and pretty much everywhere) is "oh, so you only care about sex?", "sex isn't everything", and my personal favorite (from just two days ago in CO&R) - "love isn't about receiving, it's about giving, so don't be selfish" O.o

    This is not ok. It doesn't matter that you don't need much sex, or you're self-sufficient for your sexual needs. You CAN NOT tell someone who isn't like you that they are in the wrong for wanting more, or accuse them of shallowness, soulessness or whatever else slut-shaming quality.

    Does anyone have a problem with this statement? If so - why?
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

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