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  1. #1
    Lascivious Lush altlover85's Avatar
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    I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    On a purely physical level, I feel like I'm not really meant to be monogamous. I find my boyfriend very sexually attractive, but it seems like I'm looking at other guys a lot and every day I see many guys that I would love to be with.

    One of our problems is that we are both tops and I'm always fantasizing about topping him and if not him, then someone else. However, in reality, you don't know who is a top and who isn't and even then, I've never really loved doing anal with someone I wasn't serious with or had at least been FWB with.

    This is not my first relationship, but it seems that the older I get, the less monogamy appeals to me.

    At the same time, I don't see being non-monogamous as a viable option in my life. I don't see my boyfriend really wanting an open relationship and I can't see it improving my dating prospects overall if we were to break up.

    Any feedback or thoughts are appreciated.

    Feel free to ask any questions you would like if there's anything you want to know or if you would like me to clarify anything I've written.

  2. #2
    Sex God aaggii's Avatar
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    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    I´ll say what I said in another thread here a few days ago: don´t waste anyone´s time. Not your boyfriends, not yours. Talk to him about having an open relationship, see where he stands and based on his response, decide what to do: sacrifice your idea of a relationship to be with him or search someone who wants what you want. It´s easier said than done, but first of all you have to talk with him and then see what you really want.
    ¨Beware the fury of a patient man¨ - John Dryden

  3. #3
    Know thyself kallipolis's Avatar
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    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    Not to look at, and admire other men would be an acknowledgement that you have lost interest in human life....


    ...but to imagine that one night stands are going to fill a void relegates one to a series of pointless orgasms, with "shadows" passing in the night representing nothing more than devotion to brief encounters that leave one frustrated, and angry for want of intimacy denied to those whose sole purpose is a life filled with promiscuous abandonment where tenderness, love, compassion, empathy, support in times of difficulty, and understanding when it is most needed are strangers denied entry into ones life.

    Life is always greener on the other side of the hill....until we arrive there.....and begin to miss the abundance that we had just abandoned.

  4. #4
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    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    You should experiment. The fun in my sex-life happens entirely outside of my relationships.

  5. #5
    Lascivious Lush altlover85's Avatar
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    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    aaggii, we have talked and he said we could discuss opening the relationship later on. I feel like this relationship is worth more than the benefits of opening the relationship up, but that doesn't change the uncomfortable feelings that I feel about being less than 100% sold on monogamy.

  6. #6
    Sex God aaggii's Avatar
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    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    Well, talk to him about this subject once more and tell him again and again how much you love him and care about your relationship and that you think it would be better to open the relationship, but careful, an open relationship is a lot of work and not many succeed in having one. You can make rules, always play together, or let the other know (or not!) who will end up in your bed, never more than once with the same person.. you make the rules together.

    But if his response is a strong no, then you have to decide for yourself what you choose. My ex wanted after just a few months to open up and I declined the offer because of what I want from a relationship; not much later he cheated on me, even though he said we stay monogamous if I can´t see us fooling around with others. In the meantime I found someone who expects the same as me from a relationship and this is an option you could try: find yourself someone who wants the same thing as you.

    And if none of these situations is chosen, maybe you could try some couple counseling, once or twice.
    ¨Beware the fury of a patient man¨ - John Dryden

  7. #7
    nerd of prey hylas's Avatar
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    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    i dont really have much to say, especially how to handle it regarding your relationship.
    i just wanted to let you know, i feel exactly the same way about monogamy. it almost feels unnatural to me.
    im quite comfortable with that, though. its just how i am.

  8. #8

    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    Do you feel unsatisfied in your relationship? Sexually?

  9. #9
    JUB Addict maxpowr9's Avatar
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    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    Quote Originally Posted by LuckysRevenge View Post
    Do you feel unsatisfied in your relationship? Sexually?
    Yep it sounds like sexual incompatibility. Sex shouldn't be everything or used as an end to a means but it is important and you can't force a "spark" which isn't there.

    I honestly don't think your relationship will last but that is something you have to talk about with your BF, not us.

  10. #10
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    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    Total tops should not be in a monogamous relationship together.

    Your sex life is an important component to your life. It is a need, not a want or luxury. If you're denying yourself a healthy, sex life, it is going to add up against you years down the road. Pain now can save you prolonged agony later when you're much older and your opportunities less so.

    Your partner either wants a monogamous relationship, or he doesn't. "Later on" isn't a satisfactory answer as it gives no specific timeline, or if he'll even feel comfortable about actually having an open relationship.
    #439th oldest member on JUB.

  11. #11

    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    Quote Originally Posted by Just_Believe18 View Post
    Total tops should not be in a monogamous relationship together.

    Your sex life is an important component to your life. It is a need, not a want or luxury. If you're denying yourself a healthy, sex life, it is going to add up against you years down the road. Pain now can save you prolonged agony later when you're much older and your opportunities less so.

    Your partner either wants a monogamous relationship, or he doesn't. "Later on" isn't a satisfactory answer as it gives no specific timeline, or if he'll even feel comfortable about actually having an open relationship.
    Some told have made this work. Not everyone is into anal sex.
    Just sayin

  12. #12
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    It probably easier for a "total" top to bottom occasionally than for a "total" bottom to top. I put total in quotes because I think it's very hetero to be totally one way or the other. Why not take full advantage of being gay?
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  13. #13
    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    Quote Originally Posted by Harke the Boeotarch View Post
    You should experiment. The fun in my sex-life happens entirely outside of my relationships.
    Then maybe you should reconsider giving advice in a relationship forum?
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

  14. #14
    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    Quote Originally Posted by Just_Believe18 View Post
    Total tops should not be in a monogamous relationship together.

    Your sex life is an important component to your life. It is a need, not a want or luxury. If you're denying yourself a healthy, sex life, it is going to add up against you years down the road. Pain now can save you prolonged agony later when you're much older and your opportunities less so.

    Your partner either wants a monogamous relationship, or he doesn't. "Later on" isn't a satisfactory answer as it gives no specific timeline, or if he'll even feel comfortable about actually having an open relationship.
    All of this, pretty much. Also, it's not really true that you can't tell who is top and who is bottom. Of course you could be mistaken sometimes, but as a rule, those are tied to personality, and fairly obvious. But it doesn't seem to me like this relationship is going in the right direction. If the conversation about opening it has been had without a conclusive decision...
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

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    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    Then maybe you should reconsider giving advice in a relationship forum?
    Impish and Mercurial person, relationships are not just about sex.
    You seem not to know this so my advice was obviously needed by at least one person in this thread.

  16. #16
    JUB Addict journo25's Avatar
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    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    As others have posted, anal is but one item on the sex buffet. However, original poster altlover identifies himself and his partner as both being tops so presumably anal IS an important part of sex for them. How, then, did two sexual tops enter into a relationship? Did you share a bottom between you in the past? Or defer anal for other sexual activities? Just asking. Unless two tops agreed to find bottoms to play with, together or singly, or were cool with an open relationship from the start, or didn't make fucking a priority, I don't understand how you became a couple in the first place.

  17. #17
    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    Quote Originally Posted by Harke the Boeotarch View Post
    Impish and Mercurial person, relationships are not just about sex.
    You seem not to know this so my advice was obviously needed by at least one person in this thread.
    Some hats are yellow + some yellow things have stripes /= some hats have stripes. Just because a relationship isn't ONLY (which implies it is to SOME extent) about sex, doesn't make it not entirely and completely messed up if sex is no fun in it. There's no such a thing as a healthy relationship without fulfilling sex life. So maybe before giving advice, one should attend a logic 101 course?
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

  18. #18
    Lascivious Lush altlover85's Avatar
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    Re: I'm scared that I'm not monogamous

    Quote Originally Posted by LuckysRevenge View Post
    Do you feel unsatisfied in your relationship? Sexually?
    There have been times when I haven't felt satisfied.

    Quote Originally Posted by maxpowr9 View Post
    Yep it sounds like sexual incompatibility. Sex shouldn't be everything or used as an end to a means but it is important and you can't force a "spark" which isn't there.

    I honestly don't think your relationship will last but that is something you have to talk about with your BF, not us.
    There is a spark physically, as I said I am attracted to him and do find him sexy. We have talked about things in the past, as I said in my original post.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    All of this, pretty much. Also, it's not really true that you can't tell who is top and who is bottom. Of course you could be mistaken sometimes, but as a rule, those are tied to personality, and fairly obvious. But it doesn't seem to me like this relationship is going in the right direction. If the conversation about opening it has been had without a conclusive decision...
    In my experience, I've been more surprised than I thought I would be and found that stereotypes haven't really helped me determine who was a top and who wasn't.

    Quote Originally Posted by journo25 View Post
    As others have posted, anal is but one item on the sex buffet. However, original poster altlover identifies himself and his partner as both being tops so presumably anal IS an important part of sex for them. How, then, did two sexual tops enter into a relationship? Did you share a bottom between you in the past? Or defer anal for other sexual activities? Just asking. Unless two tops agreed to find bottoms to play with, together or singly, or were cool with an open relationship from the start, or didn't make fucking a priority, I don't understand how you became a couple in the first place.
    We definitely didn't make anal a priority and I wouldn't say that it's a priority now, but I would definitely like us both to learn to be more versatile. It has never been a priority for me personally, in my sex life, but I would like it once a month or so.

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