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  1. #1

    Complex situation... long read - please help

    I want to start out by saying I love my boyfriend very much... but that is why I am so conflicted. I am a young (24 y/o) guy who is in a pretty serious relationship... we started fast and never looked back, and two years later we have a shared checking account, a house full of furniture, and two dogs who we love very much. My parter (42 y/o) is a great guy...i seriously love him so much and want to be his best friend forever. I love him so much, and I really can't deal with ever hurting him. He tells me how much he loves me and how much he needs me all the time. But I think I want a partner who is more my age...who I can grow old with and someone who will be accepted by my family. As of now, only my mom knows that I am gay, and she is OK with it, but I don't think they could accept him because he is so much older than me. I just don't know how to make everybody happy, and it's really bringing a lot of stress on me. I know that I want to be with someone who is my age, but I care so much about my boyfriend now that I can't see how I could ever break his heart. I have really dug myself a deep hole and I don't know how to get out of it.

    Any advice would be appreciated. I'm totally lost.

  2. #2
    Sex God aaggii's Avatar
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    Re: Complex situation... long read - please help

    I´m also 24 and my man is actually double my age hehe.. Look, in your relationship, the only happiness that is important is the one for the people involved in that relationship, in your case, you and your man. I love my family very much, but I´m not marrying them and they are not the ones living with my boyfriend. I am. I also thought that they would have a bad reaction, but look at this: my dad is 10 years older than my bf and they get along just fine! Football, football, football, everything they know. The bad thing is that they don´t understand each other in other situations because none of them talk the others´ language. I am the translator hehe.. My mom was noisy and a bit uncomfortable at first, but in a second she just turned 180. When we talk on the phone they ask me about my man first. The the cats. Then me. I´m ok with it :P

    Age is really not important, believe me. We have serious talks, we get mad one at another too, but it doesn´t really have to do with age, but more with our ways of being. You say you love him yet you want someone younger. You are the one who decides it, see what you really want and don´t lose anyone´s time. Don´t stay with your man just because things are good, also don´t leave him just because of what your family might think. There are many relationship with a big age-gap, believe me. You can still grow old with your man. When he´s 60, you are 42. When he´s 80, you´re 62. Doesn´t seem that much, when time passes, huh?
    Last edited by aaggii; August 28th, 2013 at 01:16 AM.
    ¨Beware the fury of a patient man¨ - John Dryden

  3. #3
    Know thyself kallipolis's Avatar
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    Re: Complex situation... long read - please help

    What makes you believe that a loving partnership with a man of your age will be more rewarding than your current partner?

    Should a number on a certificate of birth determine our choice of loving partner?

    What makes you believe that you will out live your current partner?

    Your happiness does not depend upon your family approving your choice of loving partner.

    Consider that your relationship flourishes because of everything that you share in common, including love of one another.....don't encourage an obsessive, compulsive desire to please your family spoil your 15 minutes of happiness...for nothing lasts for ever...and there is a season for everything....gather rosebuds while ye may.

    Robert Herrick. 1591–1674

    248. To the Virgins, to make much of Time

    GATHER ye rosebuds while ye may,
    Old Time is still a-flying:
    And this same flower that smiles to-day
    To-morrow will be dying.

    The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun, 5
    The higher he 's a-getting,
    The sooner will his race be run,
    And nearer he 's to setting.

    That age is best which is the first,
    When youth and blood are warmer; 10
    But being spent, the worse, and worst
    Times still succeed the former.

    Then be not coy, but use your time,
    And while ye may, go marry:
    For having lost but once your prime, 15
    You may for ever tarry.


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    Know thyself kallipolis's Avatar
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    Re: Complex situation... long read - please help

    Quote Originally Posted by aaggii View Post
    I´m also 24 and my man is actually double my age hehe.. Look, in your relationship, the only happiness that is important is the one for the people involved in that relationship, in your case, you and your man. I love my family very much, but I´m not marrying them and they are not the ones living with my boyfriend. I am. I also thought that they would have a bad reaction, but look at this: my dad is 10 years older than my bf and they get along just fine! Football, football, football, everything they know. The bad thing is that they don´t understand each other in other situations because none of them talk the others´ language. I am the translator hehe.. My mom was noisy and a bit uncomfortable at first, but in a second she just turned 180. When we talk on the phone they ask me about my man first. The the cats. Then me. I´m ok with it :P

    Age is really not important, believe me. We have serious talks, we get mad one at another too, but it doesn´t really have to do with age, but more with our ways of being. You say you love him yet you want someone younger. You are the one who decides it, see what you really want and don´t lose anyone´s time. Don´t stay with your man just because things are good, also don´t leave him just because of what your family might think. There are many relationship with a big age-gap, believe me. You can still grow old with your man. When he´s 60, you are 42. When he´s 80, you´re 62. Doesn´t seem that much, when time passes, huh?
    Very well expressed, common sense - rather uncommonly expressed...thank you for expressing it so well.

  5. #5
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    Re: Complex situation... long read - please help

    I don't have personal experience with your situation but I think I understand your conflicted thoughts and feelings. Something other than worry about what others think seems to be part of the equation. At the heart of the matter you might be judgemental of your relationship. If you were truly ok with it you wouldn't be as concerned what others thought of it.

    It's common, I think, in situations like yours for the older guy to have provided emotional and financial support and for the younger guy to feel obligated.

    No relationship ought to be based on need, guilt or pity, although, I'd guess plenty are.

    It's time to have a talk, THE talk and let him know your concerns. Keep in mind there are no guarantees in life. He could out live you and he could remain active and healthy into old age. You wouldn't be trading just an older guy for a younger one and you may not find another life partner. This ought to be about what you have and how it makes you feel, not about what you don't have and how you think it would make you feel.

    I hope this makes sense to you. Best wishes!
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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    Personally, I'm always suspicious of a 40-year old who gets into a serious relationship with a 20-year old. This is me being judgmental of course, but people in those age groups are in such vastly different places in life that it just never rings true for me. What exactly is a guy this much older than you missing that he has to fill that hole with someone who could be his son?

    That said, it sounds like you aren't entirely happy and satisfied and are looking for reasons to cut it. You shouldn't have to do that. No matter how serious a relationship has gotten, at any time one or both partners could feel I satisfied with it. There's no right or wrong there, it just is what it is. It's hard but you shouldn't feel trapped just because you share so much material stuff.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
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    Re: Complex situation... long read - please help

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    Personally, I'm always suspicious of a 40-year old who gets into a serious relationship with a 20-year old. This is me being judgmental of course, but people in those age groups are in such vastly different places in life that it just never rings true for me. What exactly is a guy this much older than you missing that he has to fill that hole with someone who could be his son?
    Why do some men like other men? It´s wrong and not natural and there are so many beautiful women out there?! What is wrong with this people?

    You sound exactly like this.

    Assuming you like people your age, do you think you´ll stop being attracted to them when you´re old? There are people who prefer different things than you and me and some old folks like younger folks. Just like 50+ men marrying 20 something yo girls. They don´t have to miss something in their life to be with someone who could easily be their son. Or even grandson. Two adults can do whatever they want (as long as it´s legal, of course).
    ¨Beware the fury of a patient man¨ - John Dryden

  8. #8

    Re: Complex situation... long read - please help

    If you've got a good relationship, and you love him, don't even worry about what your family might think.

    There are going to be people who will have some kind of opinion of your life and how THEY think you should run it better, but it's YOUR life. Live it how YOU want to. Don't apologize for it, don't feel guilty for it, and don't let them make you feel bad for being you and liking what you like.
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    Quote Originally Posted by aaggii View Post

    Why do some men like other men? It´s wrong and not natural and there are so many beautiful women out there?! What is wrong with this people?

    You sound exactly like this.

    Assuming you like people your age, do you think you´ll stop being attracted to them when you´re old? There are people who prefer different things than you and me and some old folks like younger folks. Just like 50+ men marrying 20 something yo girls. They don´t have to miss something in their life to be with someone who could easily be their son. Or even grandson. Two adults can do whatever they want (as long as it´s legal, of course).
    Actually no - I don't sound like that. Being attracted to younger guys is one thing, being in a serious emotional relationship - another. And to answer your condescending question - yes, my tastes are generally tied to my age and mature as I grow older. And while 18-year olds still get me hard, I find I rarely have anything meaningful to talk with them about. We are just in different places. And I'm not even 30 yet. Can't imagine how much more removed I'd be from that age group once I'm pushing 40.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
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    Re: Complex situation... long read - please help

    You guys still have to take into account that he says he wants someone closer to his own age and that he wants to be friends with his current boyfriend. it looks to me like he knows very well what he wants to do but feels too guilty to go about doing it. In my opinion you should make a choice soon because there are consequences to both of your options, but the longer you wait the worse it will get. Good luck! ~<3

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    Re: Complex situation... long read - please help

    Quote Originally Posted by gobucksgo418 View Post
    I want to start out by saying I love my boyfriend very much... but that is why I am so conflicted. I am a young (24 y/o) guy who is in a pretty serious relationship... we started fast and never looked back, and two years later we have a shared checking account, a house full of furniture, and two dogs who we love very much. My parter (42 y/o) is a great guy...i seriously love him so much and want to be his best friend forever. I love him so much, and I really can't deal with ever hurting him. He tells me how much he loves me and how much he needs me all the time. But I think I want a partner who is more my age...who I can grow old with and someone who will be accepted by my family. As of now, only my mom knows that I am gay, and she is OK with it, but I don't think they could accept him because he is so much older than me. I just don't know how to make everybody happy, and it's really bringing a lot of stress on me. I know that I want to be with someone who is my age, but I care so much about my boyfriend now that I can't see how I could ever break his heart. I have really dug myself a deep hole and I don't know how to get out of it.

    Any advice would be appreciated. I'm totally lost.
    I came out when I was 22. And I'm 40 now, so the same age as your guy when you started out two years ago.

    First, me: When I was 22, coming out was what I needed to do to be the man I wanted to be and truly enter my adulthood. I'm still the same person I was then. And then and now, age is not such a big deal to me. Other adults are other adults, and attraction will fall where it may. However it has been 18 years since I was 22. In that time I was looking forward to doing a few things as a person and expanding my horizons. I believe I've done it. I may be the same person, but I'd like to think I've deepened my experience, honed my judgement, knocked the rough edges off my character, and that I've actually used that time to grow. I didn't enter a museum when I was 22. I'm not a finished product. And I think that's the point of life.

    Now, you: You have 18 years of looking forward to that before you hit the same age as your guy when you met. That's enough time for a baby to be born and grow old enough to vote. You're going to do something with that time. And it is going to happen whether you are with this guy, or with someone else, or if you're single. You have undiscovered potential, and if you're doing it right, you will spend the next several decades discovering it and developing it.

    Now, him: If he made it to 40 without figuring out that this is what people are supposed to do with their time, he's an idiot. He must have walked that journey of growing and exploring life since he himself was 22. If he didn't do that, or if he didn't understand that, he's wasted 20 years. If so, you should not follow his example. But if he has a brain in his head, he knows you will want to explore life, and hopefully that is something he finds attractive and that he is thrilled about, and that he will be making room for in the life you share.

    As far as the age difference, if it freaks out your family, then something else about some other guy you might date would also freak them out. No matter what relationship, you must be able to tell your family "Listen, I've made my choice and this is the way it is." If you would dump this guy to avoid having that awkward conversation with a nosy family, you'd dump the next guy for something else?

    As far as growing old, I'm 40 and my guy is 42. I'd love to be 98 and next to him in the nursing home one day after a life of adventure. But one of us could still die tomorrow and leave the other to finish out the rest of his life. Against my will I could still find myself living the majority of my adult life without him. The point is, death sucks at any age. I will miss him if he died tomorrow. I will miss him if he dies at 65 or 85.

    What it boils down to: Is he living his life like he was put into a museum when he was 18? When he was 40? Does he "think his life is complete now" and he's just going to sit around waiting for the dust to collect? If so, please dump him. Or is his life story about growing? Is he still showing signs of life? Is he willing and able to keep up with your adventures? Then he will understand why you want to explore all that too because he's living it too. If so that probably makes him a good partner to hold on to.
    Last edited by bankside; August 28th, 2013 at 05:57 PM.
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    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: Complex situation... long read - please help

    ^ Great post!
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

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    Re: Complex situation... long read - please help

    I think you should make your decision based on love, not on what others think and not just because of the age difference.

    I would say, however, that while I think the age could be a non-issue, I have always been very glad that my partner and I are the same age for a variety of reasons.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

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    Re: Complex situation... long read - please help

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    Actually no - I don't sound like that. Being attracted to younger guys is one thing, being in a serious emotional relationship - another. And to answer your condescending question - yes, my tastes are generally tied to my age and mature as I grow older. And while 18-year olds still get me hard, I find I rarely have anything meaningful to talk with them about. We are just in different places. And I'm not even 30 yet. Can't imagine how much more removed I'd be from that age group once I'm pushing 40.
    My question was not condescending in any way, don´t blame me if you take it personally when someone disagrees with you.

    You don´t see yourself with someone much younger or older as time passes by. No problem. But there are people who just don´t give a crap about it and won´t let the age difference stay in front of what might be their true love, the one and only, having a great time, being in a meaningful relationship etc etc etc (one etc is not enough). You come with this idea in your head that there is nothing meaningful to talk with an 18yo. What if I tell you that you have smart youngsters and stupid mature men too in this world? Of course, 18 is an age where someone still evolves as a person, but it doesn´t mean they are complete stupid assholes. You´d fuck an 18 yo but you wouldn´t talk to them? Do you hear how that sounds?

    And yes, you sound exactly like that, because you don´t see it NORMAL when people do things based on different ideas than you have, when it comes to relationships. And even if you think the world would be a better place if everyone thinks like you, it doesn´t matter. You don´t have anything to say against 2 people who want to be together, regardless of race, height, weight, nationality, sexual orientation and.. what? oh yeah, age.
    Last edited by aaggii; August 29th, 2013 at 01:36 AM.
    ¨Beware the fury of a patient man¨ - John Dryden

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