You'd think 36 years would be a long enough period of time to figure out some basic things about yourself. But apparently it isn't.
When I think about it, I've been been attracted to guys for about as long as I can remember. But it's not all guys. And it sort of comes and goes. Usually, it's just one of my good friends at the time, or porn images of guys that look like those friends. It was like this through high school, then college. At first it was my next door neighbor, then in college, it was a guy who lived on my floor. Then after college, it was my roommate.
I didn't act on any of my feelings, until my mid 20s I decided that I had to figure out what was going on. So I ended up hooking up with a few guys I met online. This didn't really clear anything up. I wasn't all that attracted to them, though I did enjoy myself while the activities were in progress. But afterward, well, I felt about as straight as ever. I don't know if it was guilt or what, but suddenly I didn't feel any desire to do it again. A few weeks after an encounter, I'd suddenly find myself wanting to hook up with a guy again. Repeat. Three times.
I never really dated women, and have never been that attracted to them. At least not in the way that it seems most other guys are. I was a virgin until I was 25. When I was around 30, I met and fell in love with the woman to whom I am now married. I love her, and sex with her is fantastic. Since then, I've experienced only infrequent, fleeting desires for sexual contact with a guy ... until recently, it's been almost every day.
The thought of anything happening to my marriage has me scared to death, but at the same time, I can't make these thoughts and feelings go away. I really don't know what to do. One part of me feels like if I just get a random hookup out of the way, the feelings will subside like they have in the past. But what if they don't? Or what if they do, but it ruins my life?
I don't know what I'm looking for with this post. Just sharing, maybe, and hoping someone can shed some light on what I'm feeling. I don't really have anyone else I can talk to about this.