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Thread: Trying to figure this out

      
   
  1. #1
    denverguy
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    Trying to figure this out

    I'm 36.

    You'd think 36 years would be a long enough period of time to figure out some basic things about yourself. But apparently it isn't.

    When I think about it, I've been been attracted to guys for about as long as I can remember. But it's not all guys. And it sort of comes and goes. Usually, it's just one of my good friends at the time, or porn images of guys that look like those friends. It was like this through high school, then college. At first it was my next door neighbor, then in college, it was a guy who lived on my floor. Then after college, it was my roommate.

    I didn't act on any of my feelings, until my mid 20s I decided that I had to figure out what was going on. So I ended up hooking up with a few guys I met online. This didn't really clear anything up. I wasn't all that attracted to them, though I did enjoy myself while the activities were in progress. But afterward, well, I felt about as straight as ever. I don't know if it was guilt or what, but suddenly I didn't feel any desire to do it again. A few weeks after an encounter, I'd suddenly find myself wanting to hook up with a guy again. Repeat. Three times.

    I never really dated women, and have never been that attracted to them. At least not in the way that it seems most other guys are. I was a virgin until I was 25. When I was around 30, I met and fell in love with the woman to whom I am now married. I love her, and sex with her is fantastic. Since then, I've experienced only infrequent, fleeting desires for sexual contact with a guy ... until recently, it's been almost every day.

    The thought of anything happening to my marriage has me scared to death, but at the same time, I can't make these thoughts and feelings go away. I really don't know what to do. One part of me feels like if I just get a random hookup out of the way, the feelings will subside like they have in the past. But what if they don't? Or what if they do, but it ruins my life?

    I don't know what I'm looking for with this post. Just sharing, maybe, and hoping someone can shed some light on what I'm feeling. I don't really have anyone else I can talk to about this.

  2. #2
    ForeverSingle+Unloveable 72-Jay's Avatar
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    Re: Trying to figure this out

    It was sometime in my 20's that I figured out I wasn't straight...
    I even tried to erase/get rid of my 'gay' thoughts/feelings one spring.
    It was not until a few years ago that I truly admitted/accepted (to myself) that I was bi, and more towards the gay end of it.

    I've never truly acted those feelings (watching gay porn/jacking off to the thought of guys/etc doesn't really count LOL).
    I've never dated/had a girlfriend/etc either. (not really interested, maybe i haven't met the right one, maybe i'm too shy, or maybe too 'gay'.. IDK )

    -----

    Anyway in your case I say "don't cheat". Only hurt can come from it
    One of my personal beliefs is that no-matter if its girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband is that you should stay truthfull to them (I would also expect to be treated the same...)

  3. #3
    denverguy
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    Re: Trying to figure this out

    I think that's the way I'm leaning with it 72-Jay. Lots of totally straight guys have similar curiosities about being with other women. That doesn't mean they act on it.

  4. #4
    nerd of prey hylas's Avatar
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    Re: Trying to figure this out

    ok, i hope to god you two dont have kids. and please dont make any (more) kids until youve sorted shit out.

    personally, judging from what youve written here, i think youre gay. youre grasping at straws to convince yourself that things are ambiguous (im not always attracted to men! it comes and goes! i didnt really enjoy sex with men! im in love with a woman!), but from where im standing, things look pretty gay to me. youve been attracted to men for as long as you can remember. really, thats about as clear as things get.

    so yeah, maybe youll disagree with me, but id say youre gay and you better face that head on.
    good luck!

  5. #5
    IllumiNaughty Overlord. bankside's Avatar
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    Re: Trying to figure this out

    Quote Originally Posted by denverguy View Post
    I don't know what I'm looking for with this post. Just sharing, maybe, and hoping someone can shed some light on what I'm feeling. I don't really have anyone else I can talk to about this.
    You know how to have sex with someone you like... sex with someone you know long enough to get really good at it.
    And a few random hook-ups with people who helped you when you were horny, but that you weren't really attracted to.

    It's not a good basis of comparison.

    I'm really sure I'm gay. But I have a guy in my life that I like, and who turns me on, and we have learned a lot from each other about sex. There is no way some random hook-up could keep my attention by comparison. It makes me think that a guy who actually turned you on and was able to deliver something more than a hook-up might actually be a good match for you.

    But then I remember you're also 6 years into a relationship and it's normal to think "Wow, am I really never going to sleep with anyone else ever again? I can still imagine what it would be like." Everyone thinks that, whether they are gay or straight or bi. And everyone in a conventional marriage has the same choice:
    • find out what it is like to go the rest of your life and never sleep with anyone else again.
    • find out what it is like to go the rest of your life having ended a relationship that brought you at least some happiness.


    At the same time you have a choice of what to give your wife:
    • the chance to live the rest of her life with the straight guy she is married to
    • the chance to be single while she can still find a straight guy to live the rest of her life with.


    Honestly, based on who you are attracted to over the years, I think you're sleeping with your best friend, and while that is okay for both of you, you're denying both of you the chance to have a boyfriend instead of a best friend.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte.

  6. #6
    Ruminating
    sixthson's Avatar
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    Re: Trying to figure this out

    First, let me encourage you in your relationship with your wife. You are blessed to have someone with whom you have great sexual intimacy and love. You should be concerned about damaging that.

    Second, remember that you are not a prisoner of your urges. There is not a man on earth who has not been tempted at one time or another. Our battles are won or lost in our minds long before we surrender to temptation. So you need to decide that you control these feelings and that they don't control you. Don't grease the slide to failure. Make a deliberate and irrevocable decision NOW that you will be faithful to your relationship and that means not only in your actions, but in your heart and mind. You can't help what thoughts enter your mind, but you do have control over how long you toy with them.

    Another thing to remember: when tempted to think that "just one more time" might help you control your desires, remember that it has not worked in the past. The desires always came back after a period of time and probably always will be with you. So don't fall for that lie you would be telling yourself.

    Good luck, buddy.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  7. #7
    Rest in peace, mom. JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Trying to figure this out

    I'm go to tell you my story. I was always attracted to guys, but it was the 50s when I was in elementary school. I was very introverted and scared to be found out. I developed a quick wit to deflect negative attention to myself and as I got older I used masturbation for relief from same sex urges. I always had one or two close friends but never hung around in groups.

    In college I resisted all my urges and dated a girl who came after me rather forcefully. We had a sexual relationship which I enjoyed, yet the daily fantasies about guys continued. She and I broke up and I met the girl I married. I think she was close to being asexual so neither of us put sexual demands in one another. We got married and our sex was ok, but I kept up my fantasy life and my masturbation routine. Eventually we had two children and I couldn't (wouldn't) (didn't know how without driving myself crazy) stop myself from visiting adult bookstores for blowjobs.

    When that no longer was enough I started meeting guys and doing recipicol sex and having guys fall for me or me for them. I managed to remain faithful to my wife for 8 of the 14 years we were married and I was wracked with guilt and leading a double life. By the time I confessed to her she knew something was up but never confronted me. She told me she'd be ok with me having something on the side. I wouldn't do that because I knew I wanted an authentic life at age 36.

    Fast forward to today. My husband and I have been together 30 years. We were legally married in 2011. Together with my ex-wife we raised my two kids, one of whom lives with us right now. I couldn't be happier for eventually listening to my inner voice which got louder with each passing moment until I had to act or suffer what I believe would have been serious consequences.

    I'm not saying my story is your story, but I think, at the very least, you ought to get some therapy to gain insight and clarity for yourself.

    Best wishes. PM me anytime.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  8. #8
    ForeverSingle+Unloveable 72-Jay's Avatar
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    Re: Trying to figure this out

    Guess we scared off 'denverguy' ?


    oh and... Seasoned: pretty amazing story. cool that you guys & your ex-wife raised your kids together

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