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  1. #1
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    7 years relationship ended, magnetic partner

    I've been lurking for a while and finally decided to write. I am struggling to figure out what the heck has happened to me. My story is unusual in some ways but just like everyone else's in others.

    My partner is HIV+ and I am HIV-, I had been with him for 7 years. Everything has always been fine. It has always been wonderful. We are just so compatible. Everyone thought we were perfect together. I thought we were perfect together. We never fought. I loved his friends and family. They all said I made him happy. The relationship always felt good and wonderful and right. I could talk to him about anything and everything. Perhaps the most meaningful aspect was that I could be 100% myself around him. I love him deeply, and so much.

    But on the same time, I just felt something was wrong and begin to desire that experience with someone else, to be honest, we haven't had real sex for the past 3 year, his virual load has been undetectable for many years and the last time I was talking to one of his doctor, she told me that with that being the case, if an accident were to happen - say a broken condom - that we don't need to panic. It would likely be just fine. But I still have this emotional/mental state and irrational fears of getting infected.

    Fast forward, I initiated and we decided to end it in April. I told him I loved him, he said he loved me, that we were perfect, that I was the best person he ever knew, we were worried we were making a big mistake, and that there was still chemistry and attraction, but we just felt something was wrong and didn't want to continue down the path. He cried, I cried (made a pretty pitiful scene actually), but there was no anger or hateful words. We loves each other so much that can't imagine life without WE been together. We continue to live together but sleeping apart. Basically nothing has changed, we still giving hugs, kisses before bed and etc. I feel like I screwed up the most important thing in my life, and never thought that our relationship would end.

    Last weekend, he told me he has met someone, who is also HIV+. He ensure me nothing gonna change his love for me but I was devastated. I am so upset and confused, it hurts to watch the one you love, in love with someone else. I feel jealousy. My ridiculous imagination is thinking all sorts of things. I feel delusional and crazy. I canít sleep, Iím sick to my stomach, I canít eat. Iím trying to come up with any answer and reason and justification at all, anything to make sense of why Iím hurting so badly. I feel so down on myself for taking the relationship for grantedÖfor comfortably coasting on it when I should have been actively nourishing it. BUT, on the same time, Sadly I don't think we can get back together, and I don't understand how I can still feel for him romantically but at the same time not want to try things again, the entire time I could tell how ugly and unfair and pathetic I was being.*

    Has anyone else felt this way? Is this an emotional attack ? due to feeling loss of a loved one? Is it because I love him too much? I am truly happy for him though, finally found someone who he deserve. Amazingly, we are still living together. We were eating meals together. We did everything together. We were going to movies together. We still do, talk out all the things that were going on. There was no hope of reconciliation for me, because my heart was just not there anymore but I do love him deeply.

  2. #2
    Know thyself kallipolis's Avatar
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    Re: 7 years relationship ended, magnetic partner

    You should be happy, and pleased that your former partner has found a new romantic lover while you continue to enjoy a relationship with him as a very close, and loving friend...many loving partnerships morph into friendships, that speaks to the love that cements a friendship bonded by mutual needs.

    That your former lover has stated that nothing will change his love for you might well indicate that your emotions are playing havoc with your need to come to terms with the new reality....that your former lover is romantically involved with another man.....with this in mind it is important for your well being, and emotional equilibrium to accept that your ongoing friendship with your former partner will continue to feed your need to be loved by him, and your need to return that love.... this may also be an opportunity for you to find a new romantic partner rather than sob over the past....and what might have been...for the angst that you are feeling needs to be vented, and this can only be achieved by coming to terms with your changing circumstances....rather than agonising which serves no useful purpose other than to create negative energy between you, and your former partner...that can only end in anger, and bitterness for both of you...and the destruction of a beautiful friendship.

  3. #3
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    Re: 7 years relationship ended, magnetic partner

    I have been in a similar circumstance with regards to living with a former long term lover/bf of 9 yrs and agreeing to the same change as you two did upon ending the romantic part. We lived together much as you describe now in your post. He dated and in fact married a woman and I was the best man. I was certainly crushed during the entire event, but we retained our love and friendship somehow. After he married it was good that he moved to a new location far away with work. This forced a very lonely time on my own but I developed new friendships and it led to a excellent long term mate. At this time I am best friends with my ex, I love him and he me. He's married to a woman with a 6 yr old child, and we are tight like brothers. His wife is aware that we were shacked up as lovers for a decade. We are all comfortable with things as far as I know.
    Even if he approached me romantically it is gone. It took a long time, and separation helped. The continued living together wasn't bad and needed for economics until he had a established new relationship. That living together however hindered the start of the painful healing process, and economic reasons for living together was becoming the scapegoat.
    Time is the key element. You can remain friends and let your passion slowly become something else just as deep and long term sincere but space is needed.

  4. #4
    Sex God yhtang's Avatar
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    Re: 7 years relationship ended, magnetic partner

    Quote Originally Posted by holycrap View Post
    Fast forward, I initiated and we decided to end it in April. I told him I loved him, he said he loved me, that we were perfect, that I was the best person he ever knew, we were worried we were making a big mistake, and that there was still chemistry and attraction, but we just felt something was wrong and didn't want to continue down the path.
    I can see that you initiated the breakup. He was free to seek another. Truth is, you made your bed, now you must lie on it.

    But I would venture to hypothesise that the ending was perhaps on the wall since both were willing to part.

    Last weekend, he told me he has met someone, who is also HIV+. ...<snipped>I feel delusional and crazy. I can’t sleep, I’m sick to my stomach, I can’t eat. I’m trying to come up with any answer and reason and justification at all, anything to make sense of why I’m hurting so badly....<snipped>
    Has anyone else felt this way? Is this an emotional attack ? due to feeling loss of a loved one? Is it because I love him too much? I am truly happy for him though, finally found someone who he deserve. Amazingly, we are still living together. We were eating meals together. We did everything together. We were going to movies together. We still do, talk out all the things that were going on. There was no hope of reconciliation for me, because my heart was just not there anymore but I do love him deeply.
    Could it be that you feel a tinge jealous? You initiated the break-up, and he found someone new. Apparently you did not.

    Maybe it is time to split up and go separate ways. Just cherish the good times you shared.

  5. #5

    Re: 7 years relationship ended, magnetic partner

    Ugh.


    "I want him - I don't want him - I want him - I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him because I'm still single and I might change my mind - I don't want him, but OMG someone else wants him!!! I want him back!!! What have I done?"

    Were you expecting him to stay single until you found someone else first? Or just wait for you until you decided what it is you want?

    Granted... these are pretty typical human emotions to go through, but realistically you really need to think these things through before making any rash decisions about breaking up in the future. Relationships are a LOT of work, and they're not always 'perfect' 100% of the time. If you had a down time, you should have talked about it, and worked on it.

    Most people aren't light switches, and don't enjoy the On/Off/On/Off confusions. They want to either be ON, or OFF.

    If he's really into this guy, you're going to have to live with the consequences of your decisions/actions, learn from it, move on, and hopefully do better in your next relationship. Some things can't be taken back once it's out there.

    BTW- unless I'm missing a key element here, I'm not really following what his HIV status has to do with your question. Did him being HIV freak you out? You were with him for 7 years, so it's not really that relevant here, as far as I can tell.
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  6. #6
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    Re: 7 years relationship ended, magnetic partner

    There are stages...and levels...of love. You said that you feel something was missing along the way but you still loved him...that is totally normal.....and maybe it was meant to evolve...

    Perhaps there are other doors for you both to open in front of you.....

    One of the nicest things about unconditional love is eventually understanding that if the person you love unconditionally is really happy then you are happy as well. If you get to that place...you will know it because it comes with a great sense of inner peace and serenity for yourself.....but before you get to that place...there are tears...and fears...and upset stomachs...and sick feelings....it is horrendous. Let yourself feel all of those things and if you really do love him...there is a deeper kind of love that can unfold for you right around the corner if you are open to it...and it will make you feel very happy to be alive. Love is a powerful force...and it is even more powerful when you do not control it and your ego is no longer involved.

    I wish you both well.

  7. #7
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: 7 years relationship ended, magnetic partner

    So many people I know have done what you did, namely going down a relationship path with a conversation and decision making alone. You didn't know how to resolve your main issue which seems to be fear of sex with an HIV+ partner and you resolved it alone. Perhaps that's were it would have gone with possible interventions anyway, but there is a sense of sadness because nothing was tried.

    Let him go. Move apart. Get on with your life. But, for the future, and for anyone else reading this, spouses and partners need to be told your innermost thoughts and feelings when they affect the relationship. Any long term relationship that isn't tainted by abuse deserves attempts at salvage, including couples counseling. My husband and I would not be together 30 years without the help of counseling. And it wasn't a one time thing bee require "tune-ups" from time to time.

    Be careful as you put yourself back out there.

    Read up on grieving. This won't be a short process unless you allow yourself to be distracted as your partner has. But that's his business, not yours, so stay out of it.

    Best wishes.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  8. #8
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    Re: 7 years relationship ended, magnetic partner

    Thanks guys for the valuable advice. I am absolutely feeling fine and is coming alone well
    As expected, those feelings were temporary. I do really feel happy for him and can't wait to meet the guy, although he was hesitated as he isn't sure whether they will go steady, but I can tell he does misses him.

    Seeing him happy, I can't wait to fall in love again
    Last edited by holycrap; August 27th, 2013 at 01:32 PM.

  9. #9
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    Re: 7 years relationship ended, magnetic partner

    That's seven long years of still feeling insecure about being infected with HIV with a partner you have safe sex with and is undetectable. Your irrational fear cost you the best relationship you've had. Your jealousy of him being able to move on with another HIV+ guy is irrational. I am happy that he's been able to find someone else so quickly after you devastatingly broke up with him because you couldn't handle him being positive. What a terrible stigma to put on him.

    Get over yourself. You're the bad guy in this situation.
    #439th oldest member on JUB.

  10. #10
    Sex God yhtang's Avatar
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    Re: 7 years relationship ended, magnetic partner

    Quote Originally Posted by holycrap View Post
    Thanks guys for the valuable advice. I am absolutely feeling fine and is coming alone well
    As expected, those feelings were temporary. I do really feel happy for him and can't wait to meet the guy, although he was hesitated as he isn't sure whether they will go steady, but I can tell he does misses him.

    Seeing him happy, I can't wait to fall in love again

    It is good to know that all is well with you. Looks like you have put this episode behind you and may you find a compatible partner very soon!

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