I've been lurking for a while and finally decided to write. I am struggling to figure out what the heck has happened to me. My story is unusual in some ways but just like everyone else's in others.
My partner is HIV+ and I am HIV-, I had been with him for 7 years. Everything has always been fine. It has always been wonderful. We are just so compatible. Everyone thought we were perfect together. I thought we were perfect together. We never fought. I loved his friends and family. They all said I made him happy. The relationship always felt good and wonderful and right. I could talk to him about anything and everything. Perhaps the most meaningful aspect was that I could be 100% myself around him. I love him deeply, and so much.
But on the same time, I just felt something was wrong and begin to desire that experience with someone else, to be honest, we haven't had real sex for the past 3 year, his virual load has been undetectable for many years and the last time I was talking to one of his doctor, she told me that with that being the case, if an accident were to happen - say a broken condom - that we don't need to panic. It would likely be just fine. But I still have this emotional/mental state and irrational fears of getting infected.
Fast forward, I initiated and we decided to end it in April. I told him I loved him, he said he loved me, that we were perfect, that I was the best person he ever knew, we were worried we were making a big mistake, and that there was still chemistry and attraction, but we just felt something was wrong and didn't want to continue down the path. He cried, I cried (made a pretty pitiful scene actually), but there was no anger or hateful words. We loves each other so much that can't imagine life without WE been together. We continue to live together but sleeping apart. Basically nothing has changed, we still giving hugs, kisses before bed and etc. I feel like I screwed up the most important thing in my life, and never thought that our relationship would end.
Last weekend, he told me he has met someone, who is also HIV+. He ensure me nothing gonna change his love for me but I was devastated. I am so upset and confused, it hurts to watch the one you love, in love with someone else. I feel jealousy. My ridiculous imagination is thinking all sorts of things. I feel delusional and crazy. I canít sleep, Iím sick to my stomach, I canít eat. Iím trying to come up with any answer and reason and justification at all, anything to make sense of why Iím hurting so badly. I feel so down on myself for taking the relationship for grantedÖfor comfortably coasting on it when I should have been actively nourishing it. BUT, on the same time, Sadly I don't think we can get back together, and I don't understand how I can still feel for him romantically but at the same time not want to try things again, the entire time I could tell how ugly and unfair and pathetic I was being.*
Has anyone else felt this way? Is this an emotional attack ? due to feeling loss of a loved one? Is it because I love him too much? I am truly happy for him though, finally found someone who he deserve. Amazingly, we are still living together. We were eating meals together. We did everything together. We were going to movies together. We still do, talk out all the things that were going on. There was no hope of reconciliation for me, because my heart was just not there anymore but I do love him deeply.