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  1. #1
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    So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    I love my man dearly and we have been together 3.5 years, but having sex once or twice a month is just so frustrating. Sometimes there is a full month that goes by where nothing happens. We've talked about it many times, and he openly admits that he prefers intimacy over sex, but when we have sex, he enjoys it so much he always says, "we need to do that more often. that was so hot." He doesn't follow through on that though. We have plenty of intimacy, and laughs and fun in the rest of our lives together. He brought up the topic of opening our relationship for my sake last year, but I haven't stepped out for sex with anyone else because I don't want to hurt him, and I think it would. I have talked to, and unintentionally led on, a few guys who are very interested in sex with me (plus all the kinks that my vanilla man is very against). They know about my bf and I try to be very honest in my conversations with them and my bf. I just don't know what the right choice is here.

    Thoughts?

  2. #2
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    I want sex with my guy, not sex. If I couldn't have enough sex with my guy, having sex with other people would not solve my problem.

    He has definitely given the go-ahead to do it more often - his own words. You should be entitled to believe him. So what happens when you get horny and put the moves on?
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

  3. #3
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    When I'm in the mood, and start kissing his neck or caressing his body, he just laughs it off and goes back to whatever he was doing. If I insist past that point, I usually get the look and told that he isn't feeling well "down there" (I'm a top) or just isn't in the mood. I tell him that we can do more than just anal, and just shrugs it off. In our relationship, that is one of the only unintentionally hurtful things he does. Maybe I'm just missing something...idk

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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    This is a guess only and not meant to be anything more. Perhaps he doesn't regard himself clean enough or empty enough to have sex at will. I'm wondering what would happen if you showered together and you soaped up your hands and washed his hole for him inside and out? I think it's worth a try.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  5. #5
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    I love that idea Seasoned, but he won't allow anything but my tongue and my dick in his ass. He goes ballistic if I try anything with my fingers. We have showered together quite a bit in 3.5 years, but he never lets me near his ass in the shower.

  6. #6

    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    I'm confused. Does he not like to have sex more often? What's causing the lack of sex? Clearly you two have talked about it. I just think it might have been overlooked in your post.

  7. #7
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    Hey MJ,

    Your guy kind of reminds me of myself... a little. If he feels he isn't clean/empty "down there", it can be a total mood killer, especially if he is particularly afraid of the Code Brown. If he refuses to have sex because of feeling of having full bowels, it's also rather unlikely he would go with fingering. Has he always been this way? May he has some problem with bowel movement or something he is too shy to talk about?

    I was wondering what he says about other kinds of sex. Not feeling "well down there" probably wouldn't prevent giving a blowjob, handjobs, etc (unless there is pain). Have you discussed these alternatives maybe? Is he rejective of sex altogether or just anal sex?

  8. #8
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    Quote Originally Posted by creatus View Post
    Hey MJ,

    Your guy kind of reminds me of myself... a little. If he feels he isn't clean/empty "down there", it can be a total mood killer, especially if he is particularly afraid of the Code Brown. If he refuses to have sex because of feeling of having full bowels, it's also rather unlikely he would go with fingering. Has he always been this way? May he has some problem with bowel movement or something he is too shy to talk about?

    I was wondering what he says about other kinds of sex. Not feeling "well down there" probably wouldn't prevent giving a blowjob, handjobs, etc (unless there is pain). Have you discussed these alternatives maybe? Is he rejective of sex altogether or just anal sex?
    Good evening creatus,
    Unfortunately, he does have bowel issues, due to what he eats. He says he wants to change his diet, but then proceeds to eat the same things and gets defensive if I make the suggestion to follow the plan he put forth himself. When it comes to other sexual things, he will regularly turn down getting and giving jacking off together, blowjobs and handjobs if he isn't feeling overall clean or isn't happy with his appearance that day. Most nights, he rejects sex altogether no matter the proposition. He mainly wants to be held most nights. I am more than willing to hold him, and I do. I don't think I have ever turned him down when he wants to be in my arms. It is just that constant sexual rejection does wear on a person. Am I wrong for letting it bother me? Maybe I'm making too much of it. I don't know.

  9. #9
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    Quote Originally Posted by LuckysRevenge View Post
    I'm confused. Does he not like to have sex more often? What's causing the lack of sex? Clearly you two have talked about it. I just think it might have been overlooked in your post.
    Nope. He doesn't like to have very often at all. When we do have sex, he seems to enjoy himself very much. Most times, once a month is more than enough for him. He is naturally a very muscular man (no drugs of any kind), so one would not think that he is lacking in the testosterone area. That said, I'm not really sure what is causing the lack of sexual interest. He has remained friends with many of his exes and they have all told me that he was the same sexually with them, so it is not something new for him. All of his most recent exes ended up cheating on him because they got tired of waiting and being rejected, and I don't want to look as though I am doing the same thing even though he suggested opening the relationship. Officially we have been open for the past year, but practically, I haven't stepped outside the relationship yet.

  10. #10

    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    How about refusing to "hold him" when he wants to be held? I think it's unfair for him to keep refusing your request, especially when you are being open and honest about it!

  11. #11
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    This guy sounds very irrational and disrespectful of your relationship. I agree with your mixed feelings that he will likely get jealous if you go through with having sex with other guys. I believe this is grounds enough to break up with him. I'm sure you've had a good relationship, but I can see this kind of controlling, dismissive behavior of his increasing in the future. How will things be 5 years from now? 10 years from now? You have your whole life ahead of you, and the last thing you need to worry about is obsessing over when the next time you're going to have sex is.
    #439th oldest member on JUB.

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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    Quote Originally Posted by MasonJay View Post
    When it comes to other sexual things, he will regularly turn down getting and giving jacking off together, blowjobs and handjobs if he isn't feeling overall clean or isn't happy with his appearance that day. Most nights, he rejects sex altogether no matter the proposition.
    To sum up: he gets satisfied whenever he is in mood, and the rest of time he doesn't care much (at all?) for your sexual frustration.

    I have to agree with the others... he does sound unfair and disrespectful. There seems to be a difficult decision ahead unless he is about to change some things (which he evidently isn't). Sorry to say this, I kind of get it how difficult it may be for you, since you have otherwise good and intimate relationship. Still, you deserve all of that PLUS regular sex... or at least some effort to fulfill also your sexual needs.

  13. #13
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    Thanks guys. I guess I have some things to think about. Another turn of events has been added to the mix, so now I'm really torn about how to handle things. He quit his job (not the first time since we've been together), and now I only have enough money to get us through the next month. After that, we will have to leave our house, and he wants to move to another state with me. To do such, I have to put in letters of resignation, sell almost everything in the house, most likely find a home for my beloved cat, and move away from all of my new friends. I'm so torn. I don't want to leave him, but this is so much for me to handle at the moment. If you've read this and/or commented, thanks.

  14. #14
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    He quit his job and then asked you all this? And he has no savings to cover things off? Does he even have a job to go to?
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

  15. #15

    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    Quote Originally Posted by MasonJay View Post
    Thanks guys. I guess I have some things to think about. Another turn of events has been added to the mix, so now I'm really torn about how to handle things. He quit his job (not the first time since we've been together), and now I only have enough money to get us through the next month. After that, we will have to leave our house, and he wants to move to another state with me. To do such, I have to put in letters of resignation, sell almost everything in the house, most likely find a home for my beloved cat, and move away from all of my new friends. I'm so torn. I don't want to leave him, but this is so much for me to handle at the moment. If you've read this and/or commented, thanks.
    He's taking advantage of you in every sense of the word. Best advice is to leave and MAYBE get back together after he sorts himself out. At the moment you're enabling his behavior. What you've written so far shows that he has no respect for you.

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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    Quote Originally Posted by bankside View Post
    He quit his job and then asked you all this? And he has no savings to cover things off? Does he even have a job to go to?
    Nope, no job to go to thus far. He is putting in applications now. No savings either.

  17. #17
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    Was his safety in danger at the job he just quit?
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

  18. #18
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    Quote Originally Posted by bankside View Post
    Was his safety in danger at the job he just quit?
    Nope. He just couldn't handle the long hours every day and the way they were treating him. I don't fault him for wanting to quit.

  19. #19
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    I don't know how people can quit jobs without having something else lined up. In my experience, a bad job is a reason to start putting your resume out for something better, not a reason to quit.

    And honestly if my guy wanted us to up and move to another province, never mind the house, the jobs, and most of all, the dog, I'd be keeping the dog.

    Why does he want to make such a dramatic change?
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

  20. #20
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    Your boyfriend sounds exactly like my ex. You may want to consider looking into bi-polar disorder, especially where it concerns relationships, and see if it fits the bill. My ex and I broke up this past may after 5 years because of the same problem pretty much. We had a lot of sex when we first met and he was 18 but by the time he was 21/22 we pretty much were down to once a month, if that. He always said we should have more sex after we had it but then.. like your bf.. turned me down when I wanted to go for it. He also did stupid things like quit jobs for no good reason with no back up plan or want to go off on random adventures. He was sometimes incredibly excited and other times inexplicably distant and depressed. I'm not saying this is what your bf has, but it is worth looking into and possibly sparing yourself a lot of trouble.

    Also, the poster who suggested turning down cuddling as revenge or whatever is giving you the worst possible advice. Making it a tit for tat thing with someone you're supposed to love and support can only lead to bad things. Keep an open line of communication, be honest and whether or not it's bi-polar keep in mind that this is someone you want to spend your LIFE with. As many folks said to me when I was going through my own turmoil, do you really want this to go on for the rest of your life? Are you ok with that if he doesn't change? Is cuddling and having a good time together enough? I eventually answered no (for that reason and others) but you need to be honest with yourself and decide what's right for you. Relationships are give and take. If you're always giving and never receiving you're in the wrong relationship.

  21. #21

    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    Quote Originally Posted by MasonJay View Post
    Thanks guys. I guess I have some things to think about. Another turn of events has been added to the mix, so now I'm really torn about how to handle things. He quit his job (not the first time since we've been together), and now I only have enough money to get us through the next month. After that, we will have to leave our house, and he wants to move to another state with me. To do such, I have to put in letters of resignation, sell almost everything in the house, most likely find a home for my beloved cat, and move away from all of my new friends. I'm so torn. I don't want to leave him, but this is so much for me to handle at the moment. If you've read this and/or commented, thanks.
    It was definitely selfish of him to quit his job knowing you would have to give up the house. When you are living with someone else, and have assumed rent based on two incomes, you don't quit your job until you have another one to go to, especially without talking to that person. You might want to consider finding a cheaper place to live with room enough for only one person (and a cat).

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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    Agree with the comments that have been posted. I know guys with G.I. problems that make anal sex difficult but as you yourself said, there are other things you can do together sexually. He doesn't appear interested. I would consider his quitting the job and then putting the responsibility on your shoulders to support the two of you, relocate, etc., the last straw. His behavior is selfish and controlling. I think you need to consider parting ways.

  23. #23

    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    I agree with everyone else...

    It sounds to me like he's living his life, as HE see's fit, and is just kind of expecting you to follow what HE wants, when he wants... be it sex, where you live, what you do, and when you do it.

    Being this one sided, I certainly don't see it lasting very long. If you've been together for 3.5 years, congrats for hanging in there this long.
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  24. #24
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    Quote Originally Posted by borg69unimatrix View Post
    I agree with everyone else...

    It sounds to me like he's living his life, as HE see's fit, and is just kind of expecting you to follow what HE wants, when he wants... be it sex, where you live, what you do, and when you do it.

    Being this one sided, I certainly don't see it lasting very long. If you've been together for 3.5 years, congrats for hanging in there this long.
    ^^^^This.

  25. #25
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    I can't believe how rude and controlling he is. You may not have seen it happening as some guys start slowly taking over. Little things at first they don't like Skippy peanut butter. They like Jiff type stuff then move on to bigger issues. After three and a half years He probably was pretty confident you weren't going to open the relationship. He has you wrapped around his little finger. Take a step back and look at this objectively. How many little things have you changed or given into for him because it wasn't any big deal. You love him so you let him have his way. Pretty soon He's making the decisions like where you live and how much sex you're going to have or not have. You're even covering for him here about the job issue. He just up and quit putting the financial burden on you. And you said it was a bad job etc stop making excuses for him dude. You are being taken advantage of. You want more out of this relationship and he's doing all the taking. He's not giving you anything other than what he wants. Relationships are give and take. He's totally out of line on many levels. You're right. You have A LOT to think about. Not just how frequently you have sex. I hope you're able to see what the rest of us are picking up on

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  26. #26
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    He sounds like a total loser douche. Bi-polar or not.

    He's toxic and will ruin your life.

    Cut him loose. Keep your cat.

    Change your number so that he can't contact you.

  27. #27
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    To get back to the original issue - even were everything else perfect, a big difference in sex drives is already an insurmountable obstacle in any relationship - one that can't be worked around unless both parties are seriously and honestly ok with opening it, which is not really something that should be used as a crutch.

    Add to that what you've told us about the job quitting, and your answer to his expectations clearly becomes "Um, no. And there's the door."
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
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  28. #28
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    Re: So little sex, it is driving me crazy...

    Well, much has happened. I had a quasi-date with a guy, and loved it. I didn't have sex with the guy, but we didn't leave the place completely innocent either. My bf is going to move out of state to find another job, and I'm staying where I'm at and finishing out my contracts with my current employers. We will be living apart, and will still be open and I am keeping my cat. He said he never wants to be with anyone else again, since the experience that he had back in December was terrible for him and wanted to close the relationship the day before I went out with a new guy (first time since we opened up the relationship a year ago)--I just told him that I wasn't sure how I wanted to proceed with the open thing since sex at home is so sparse (It was twice this past month, so that was an improvement?...lol). He gets so jealous if I just go out with platonic friends to play video games, so I'm not sure how everything will turn out, but I'm hoping for the best. He is living completely off of me for the next month and then he'll be on his own when it comes to money. With him doing nothing these days, it is getting difficult for me to be completely sympathetic to his situation, but I'm staying as nice about it as I can.

    Thanks guys for all your input. Some of it was actually hard to hear, but most of it was the truth. I just hope I am making the right decisions now. Only time will tell...

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