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Thread: Breaking into the gay community?

      
   
  1. #1

    Breaking into the gay community?

    So I'm nearly 22 and I've kissed about four guys, and have been semi-intimate with one. I'm not active at all in the gay community and so I have no gay friends. I'm so far behind all of my (younger) straight friends who are having casual sex or have boyfriends. It's got to the point where it's embarrassing now: I get uncomfortable when people talk about sex or relationships because I have nothing to add to the conversation.
    I have massive self confidence issues. I dislike everything about myself: physically and mentally. I went through a phase where I went to gay clubs, but it was pretty much fruitless. Whenever a guy would approach me I'd say I had a boyfriend. Skip to me watching all my straight friends pull in gay clubs instead of me, and me feeling even worse about myself. Casual sex doesn't even seem like an option for me because I went through a period of self-harming, and so my legs are pretty scarred. I don't even know if casual sex is what I want, intimacy scares me. I don't know what I want, I just know that I feel very lonely and isolated right now.

    I guess it's a vicious cycle. I'm so inexperienced and I don't know where to start. Any advice?

  2. #2
    Sex God AstareGod's Avatar
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    Re: Breaking into the gay community?

    You've got to start with yourself before you can even begin to look to meet other guys. I've been where you are with the low self-confidence. I used to shy away from any kind of intimate interaction and got very nervous around guys I was interested in. Over the years I've pushed further and further and broken out of my shell. It all comes with accepting yourself for who you are and being OK with that. You really have to arrive at that point first.

    You mentioned you harmed yourself in the past. It sounds like your situation goes deeper than self-esteem, and something like that definitely worries me. I'd recommend, if you haven't already, to seek out a therapist or professional counseling. They will prove to be a much bigger help than we can be.
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    JUB Addict Harke the Boeotarch's Avatar
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    Re: Breaking into the gay community?

    Do bear in mind that your local chapter of the gay community may not offer you what you require from them.

    It's certainly a good idea to get some counseling first, but even if you aren't distracted by your own issues, finding people in the gay community you can relate to or even do meaningful things with isn't all that easy unless you're lucky enough to live in one of the big gay cities.

    If it's not working out, it may not be the fault of your personality. If I want to meet men, I stay away from places where straight people come.
    If your straight friends are more successful in gay clubs than you are, you might be going to the wrong clubs.

  4. #4
    Rest in peace, mom. JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Breaking into the gay community?

    Work on yourself with the help of a good therapist. While doing that you may wish to explore the non-club gay scene, if there is one, in your community. Joining a club or group or volunteering at a gay clinic would be a way of meeting other gay people and making friends.

    I hope you're in a better place than you were when you were doing self-harm. All the best.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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    Re: Breaking into the gay community?

    Quote Originally Posted by theheartisdeceitful View Post
    So I'm nearly 22 and I've kissed about four guys, and have been semi-intimate with one. I'm not active at all in the gay community and so I have no gay friends. I'm so far behind all of my (younger) straight friends who are having casual sex or have boyfriends. It's got to the point where it's embarrassing now: I get uncomfortable when people talk about sex or relationships because I have nothing to add to the conversation.
    I have massive self confidence issues. I dislike everything about myself: physically and mentally. I went through a phase where I went to gay clubs, but it was pretty much fruitless. Whenever a guy would approach me I'd say I had a boyfriend. Skip to me watching all my straight friends pull in gay clubs instead of me, and me feeling even worse about myself. Casual sex doesn't even seem like an option for me because I went through a period of self-harming, and so my legs are pretty scarred. I don't even know if casual sex is what I want, intimacy scares me. I don't know what I want, I just know that I feel very lonely and isolated right now.

    I guess it's a vicious cycle. I'm so inexperienced and I don't know where to start. Any advice?
    I don't really have any advice for you but I just wanna let you know that I totally get you! Everything you mentioned in this post.

    On the subject of a therapist: As a person who has gone through depression throughout all of my teen years, if I want someone to know how I feel, I'd want them to care for me. I don't want to pay someone to pretend like they have anything to offer me. To me, depression is something you have to sort out yourself, and personally I don't believe counselling helps one bit.

    That being said, a friend of mine is able to let everything out to his counsellor and it helps him so who knows? Maybe it could help you.

  6. #6

    Re: Breaking into the gay community?

    Thanks for the replies, guys. I've tried a counselor but I don't think it's for me: I couldn't open up, and didn't really get the whole talk therapy thing. It seems impossible for me to accept myself for who I am right now, so I guess all I can do is try to better myself as much as I can and be patient (gym, healthy eating, good thoughts).
    I'm thinking too much about finding a boyfriend or being intimate, it's so hard watching everyone else in love or in lust even just walking down the street, and I feel so unwanted. Pretty depressed and anxious at the moment too, and the only thing that's stopping me cutting is the thought of more scars - which is good I suppose. I don't think I'd be great company for a guy right now anyway.

    But yeah, guess I should really just work on myself right now.

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    JUB Addict Harke the Boeotarch's Avatar
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    Re: Breaking into the gay community?

    Maybe you should try a support group? Talking to people who didn't understand my problems never helped me either.

    Also, put yourself out there like it's nobody's business, 'çause if interesting gay guys were looking for you at home you would have noticed already.

    Chop-chop!

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    Re: Breaking into the gay community?

    hi Theheartisdeceitful,

    First of all, welcome to JUB!. Good that you have created a profile and even better that you have made this posting. I have read, and reread, your first posting. Some comments:

    * Whenever a guy would approach me I'd say I had a boyfriend. OK, so when you are in a gay club, there are guys who are approaching you. Wow, great to hear, as there are also gay guys who are not approached at all when they visit gay clubs. So please try to start thinking from the other side. How are 'strangers' (gay guys) judging you when you are in a gay club? At least some of them are interested in you and would like to know more about you. So why not return to this gay club and start with reacting on a different way when guys are approaching you?

    * I'm so far behind all of my (younger) straight friends who are having casual sex or have boyfriends. Please realize yourself that there are loads and loads of straight guys of around your age with no girlfriend, with no history of girlfriends and with (almost) no experience with sex with girls. So guys who feel lonely and isolated because they don't have any intimate relationship with girls, who also have no idea how to tackle this problem, and thus can be considered / consider themself as guys with a 'frustrated sex-life'.

    * Casual sex doesn't even seem like an option for me because I went through a period of self-harming, and so my legs are pretty scarred. One of my best memories is related to a guy with a really huge whinestain on the left side of his face. He was a nice, a friendly and a very relaxed guy. Nevertheless, he was a very popular among the girls. I agree with Seasoned that you should work on your self esteem. This guy with a whinestain (then around your age) had no problems with his self esteem. Ofcourse he was realizing himself that he had a whitestain.

    * what are your pro's? Any idea why guys at a gay club were approaching you? In case you donı know, why not try to figure out?

    And why not try to find a support group?

    Good luck, and please keep us informed.

    Best wishes & take care.
    I am Dutch, so please excuse me for my low level of English.

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