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  1. #1

    Advice with Roommate

    This is a long personal experience I was hoping somebody could help me with
    I'm 19 bisexual (slowly coming out). I've known I like guys since I was very young just never had the right time to come out until recently. I've had girlfriends. Have been with girls etc

    I just finished my freshman year at school and had a great time meeting new people. More specifically I became very close with my roommate and right before we all went home for the summer, I realized that I started having feelings for my roommate. This is about May. (Keep in mind nothing ever happened and no one knows I am bisexual at this point). We get along, always hang out, do stupid flirting stuff just messing around.

    At school I had a close group of friends that included my roommate and our other friend (I'll call him "Mac") Mac is gay and open and has dated different guys etc whatever. In June me and my roommate visited each other and just seemed to be getting closer and closer and enjoying each others company. (We were also seeing Mac and a few other friends as well).

    toward the beginning of July me and my roommate had plans that he was gonna stay at my house for a week and then I would go to his house for a week. The first night my roommate came we had our first sexual experience.
    We came back from my friends house and fell asleep in the same bed with just gym shorts on. Before I knew it my roommate and I were getting closer and closer before he put his arm over me and got closer. I did the same and one thing led to another and he grabbed my d***. We both got naked and he went down on me.
    After it happened he asked if that ever happened and I said no (which is the truth) and I asked him the same and he said no. I asked him "not even with Mac?" And he said no. The next morning it happened again with me pleasuring him this time and it continued to happen many times each night for the rest of the week. When nothing was happening at night we would just be cuddled up close to each other and we would hold each other.

    When we got to his house later that week (keep in mind he lives in a different state) I assumed it would continue but it didn't. Which was not the worst thing in the world because I just assumed he didn't want his family to find anything out. (My family was away for the week he visited)

    As the week at his place was coming to an end with nothing happening I was beginning to think he did not like the fact we hooked up or whatever, so I thought it would be a good idea to give him so space and really go out of my way NOT to do anything. The next morning my roommate was walking around naked in front of me like it wasn't a big deal. (I did play it off like it wasn't a big deal but it totally was unexpected)

    After I left we were sending texts back and forth saying "when are we hanging again?" "When are you coming back?" "Come back" etcc....

    Since then I have tried to set up other times to see eachother and our plans fall apart. At times I knew he was avoiding my texts and at times I would ignore his, just so it seemed like I wasn't totally interested.

    A few weeks ago I decided to tell my parents and close friends about my sexuality but chose not to tell anyone about my roommate because he still isn't out. Everyone took it well and literally nothing changed which was awesome. A month pasted and although my roommate and I were still texting every couple of days we never spoke about what happened at my house, until I flat out Said we need to talk about what happened.

    I started the convo with tell him I've known I like guys for a while and I want to come out but I made it very very clear my number #1 priority was making sure we would be "ok as roommates and from a friend point" he was cool with everything but I did ask him if he ever put any thought into what he might be into (sexually)

    He explained to me that he lied to me when he said I was the first guy he's been with and it has happened with Mac. He went on to explain that after it happened with him he felt completely uncomfortable and confused with himself. He said there was thoughts and desires About me and Mac but it changed after it happened. He said that when he was on his way to visit me, he didnt want anything to happen between us because he was already uncomfortable with his experience with Mac. (If this was true, I just wish he said something after the first time it happened with me and not let it happen the next couple of nights. I even asked him if he was ok during and after we hooked up and he asked the same and we both said we were ok.) he said he thought he would enjoying being with me but being with me still made him feel uncomfortable like it did with Mac. He said his parents and family has asked him if he was gay and has always denied it. My roommate said I was the only one he has talked to any of this about and he just told Mac his feelings have changed and he was trying to figure himself out.

    That was about 1 week ago and I saw him yesterday for the first time. Me and a bunch of friends at schol met at macs place to get together before te school year started. I told Mac and the other friends about me being bisexual and they took it well. It was weird seeing Mac and my roommate together because I am unsure of the terms they are on. I noticed there were pictures in macs aparement of my roommate and him from sometime in July together. (Keep in mine My roommate explained to me that they hooked up before we did and told me he didn't like hooking up with Mac. If this is true I don't see why he would go out of his way to see him. Especially because he told me he was very confused and upset about what's been going on) , basically I am very confused and I am very open to any advice.

    Basically-
    1) I'm unsure if my roommate is interested in guys. (I have a feeling he knows but is just having a very hard time dealing with his sexuality)

    2) does my roommate like me as much as I like him?

    3) if my roommate hasn't realized he might be bisexual, do I still act the same way I always have even if he now knows I am bisexual. Like the flirting and everything?

    4) . I understand it may take time for him to realize his sexuality and I want him to take his time and be happy BUT I do not want to sit around doing nothing while Mac wins him over. I feel like this is my first real chance to be happy with a cool dude. I don't want to miss my chance because of over thinking a situation. If anyone actually yook the time with reading this, thank You. All the help would be great

  2. #2

    Re: Advice with Roommate

    I took the time to read it, but I have no easy answers for you.

    Unfortunately, your friend is at least bi, and very much in denial/resentment over being attracted to guys.

    He holds out until he can't take it anymore and his hormones win over, has sex with a guy, and then beats himself up for it for a few weeks/months until he's horny enough to jump in again. I can't say for sure if he has any real feelings for you, or for Mac, other than an easy access outlet for his Man on Man desires. Just going by what you've said, I get the impression he's closer/more comfortable around you, but he also doesn't want to burn Mac's bridge either. He's found quite the setup with his Binge and Purge sex, and is feeding off you and Mac while confidant in that you'll keep his secret - giving him the best of both worlds. He can dip his gay toes in when HE wants to, and dive back out when he's tired of it.

    I think he has a long way to go to acceptance, and IMO, I'm sorry to say I think you and Mac are pretty much minor stepping stones in his path to enlightenment.

    I'd enjoy whatever time you guys have together, but I wouldn't hold my breath on anything long term developing out of it, other than him using you for convenient sex.
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  3. #3

    Re: Advice with Roommate

    thank you and i appreciate your advice. although it wasnt the best news i totally get what youre saying.

    The reason i think there could be a future is that me and my roommate are deciding to room together again for the next two semesters. (1 school year). we move in, in 3 weeks, so im just tyring to figure as much out or at least get my head in order before we actually move in together

  4. #4

    Re: Advice with Roommate

    As I said, I think you should just enjoy it for whatever it is, and see where he goes with it. I think it's WAY too soon to be attempting to pin him down on any kinds of labeling himself, or making any kind of commitment.

    Be a friend, be a roommate, be a sex buddy, be a confidante. He could one day realize you're what he's always wanted. You could waste months playing his games and wasting your time. Being friends, roommates, and sexual active with each other crosses a lot of boundaries that could end up wonderful, or a disaster. Take a chance and see where you end up.

    You have 3 possible outcomes: You loved it, you're indifferent, or you resent him.

    Keep us posted on your progress!!!!
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  5. #5
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: Advice with Roommate

    Start dating other guys. Who knows where this relationship will lead.

  6. #6
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: Advice with Roommate

    Quote Originally Posted by ChicagoBlackhawks1988 View Post
    Basically-
    1) I'm unsure if my roommate is interested in guys. (I have a feeling he knows but is just having a very hard time dealing with his sexuality)
    Chances are that he's unsure too. But your first priority is figuring out your own sexuality, not the sexuality of others.


    Quote Originally Posted by ChicagoBlackhawks1988 View Post
    2) does my roommate like me as much as I like him?
    He likes you. But you're looking for something more than just 'like', aren't you?


    Quote Originally Posted by ChicagoBlackhawks1988 View Post
    3) if my roommate hasn't realized he might be bisexual, do I still act the same way I always have even if he now knows I am bisexual. Like the flirting and everything?
    It depends. If you want to remain friends and roommates, you'll focus your flirting on guys who aren't friends/roommates. And you'll focus on guys who aren't confused.


    Quote Originally Posted by ChicagoBlackhawks1988 View Post
    4) . I understand it may take time for him to realize his sexuality and I want him to take his time and be happy BUT I do not want to sit around doing nothing while Mac wins him over. I feel like this is my first real chance to be happy with a cool dude. I don't want to miss my chance because of over thinking a situation.
    Reread what you've written. This isn't a competition between you and Mac. And this confused "roommate" is causing you to be confused about what you want.

    Life is too short. You had a few encounters with a guy who is still confused about his sexuality. It's very common when you're new to sex to get emotionally involved very quickly with guys that you have sex with. It's part of the process. But unfortunately, it's also a way to get hurt very badly- especially if the guy is a friend or if the guy isn't in the same place with coming out that you are.

    It's time to move on. Be a friend to your roommate. Don't let his confusion get you back into having sex when it's convenient for this guy. Go find guys who are clear about what they want and who can like you back.

  7. #7

    Re: Advice with Roommate

    Just take it slow. I assume he will slowly come to terms with his sexuality. It's interesting he will move in with you. That suggests to me that he and Mac aren't an item, because Mac would not be happy with him moving in with you now that Mac knows you are into guys. It also suggests that he is not uncomfortable with people thinking he likes guys because people are bound to think that since you are out and will be living together, you must be having sex. There are still loads of people who still believe that a straight man with a gay friend or roommate can't be that straight and must be having sex with his gay friend.

  8. #8
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    Re: Advice with Roommate

    hi ChicagoBlackhawks1988,

    I fully agree with others that you should take it slow with him. Be a good friend for him and give him enough space to figure out things by himself. Its great to read that both of you are surrounded by a group of straight school mates who are very relaxed about gay and bi guys. I also like it that he wants to stay your roommate. Towards my opinion, that means that he is considering you as one of his very good friends, and that he is trusting you.

    By the way, does he has experiences with girls?

    Best wishes & take care.
    I am Dutch, so please excuse me for my low level of English.

  9. #9

    Re: Advice with Roommate

    Thank you for all your replies, i really do appreciate them.

    I do think the best bet is to just wait it out and be there as a roommate and best friend if he needs anything. I know i am bisexual and i am happy i am but i am still not comfortable with going out of my way to find a guy i would want to date. Before I came out i didnt want a relationship in general (girl or a guy). I figure i am still young and still trying to fully understand my sexuality.

    The main reason i think i do like my roommate is because i am sexually attracted to him but more importantly, hes just a cool dude that ive always gotten along with. I know in the future it may get a little crazy and emotional, but i figure i have been worried about the future for too long at this point and I am ready to take a few chances. Like i said, i dont want him to feel like i am holding him back or needs to feel guilty of hooking up with anyone else and i hope the same for me. I just want to have a happy/comfortable situation regardless of the terms me and my roommate are on.

  10. #10

    Re: Advice with Roommate

    Quote Originally Posted by Ganoderma View Post
    hi ChicagoBlackhawks1988,

    By the way, does he has experiences with girls?

    Best wishes & take care.
    Yes as far as I know he has experience with girls (just not a girlfriend but has had sex with girls) and so have I. It is more of the little things that give me more of an idea that he has feelings for me. Unlike the rest of my friends that are straight, (best friends from high school and friends from college) i talk to my roommate more, even now when im home from school. we talk on the phone, send stupid picture messages to each other, see each other pretty frequently for two friends who live 5 hours apart but hey i could be completely wrong and have things mixed up. Either way i realize i should be grateful he is still in my life and that we are still best friends and roommates even after i told him i am bisexual. I think everything after that will fall into place in time

  11. #11
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    Re: Advice with Roommate

    I read your whole story, and it is a challenging situation. Here's a few points I'll weigh in on:

    1. I agree with the others that your roommate is at least bisexual, perhaps gay, and is in the very beginning stages of understanding his sexuality. As his first and second experience, you and Mac are merely "stepping stones" to his long journey of life. I can tell you right now not to expect a relationship. He will not be a boyfriend that lasts. Only ever be a friend to him. This may involve more sexual experiences, or it may become platonic. Guys are fickle about continuing on sexual relations with others once they've had them. It's a hit or miss situation after that week at your place.

    2. You need to figure out your sexuality first before you focus so much on his. A lot of your time is being spent on how your roommate feels and not how you feel. You admit you're still trying to figure out your own sexuality. This is the most important focus of your life. Go out and date other gay men (but not Mac). Perhaps ask Mac if he can introduce you to groups or venues of guys that he knows where you can find someone gay to experiment with and date. You need to build on your experiences, and with someone who is confident about their sexuality and can help you grow as a person. Your roommate cannot help you in this regard, as he is trying to figure himself out.

    3. You need to put aside your feelings of jealousy for Mac. You mentioned you have feelings for your roommate and cannot understand why he would continue to hang out with Mac if he feels awkward about his sexuality. Well, of course he's going to hang out with Mac! Mac is his friend, just as you are his friend. After exchanging blow jobs with you, it's not like your roommate stopped hanging out with you. Just because he also fooled around with Mac, it doesn't mean he's going to be a jerk and ignore Mac. Your roommate is taking the healthy approach by still pursuing friendships and not casting aside the important people in his life he's had sexual encounters with. He's still hanging out with Mac, and he still wants to be roommates with you. Both of you have an important place of friendship in his life, and he wants to continue that as he sorts out his own feelings of sexuality. Don't be surprised if sexual experiences resume or never happen again between you and your roommate (or with him and Mac). Perhaps your roommate may find and even date another guy he's into. Don't get jealous by that, and don't be jealous if he starts dating girls again and puts his same-sex attraction aside for awhile. Like I said, your friend is young like you, and has a long journey ahead of him. He's going to be unsure about many things and make a lot of mistakes.

    4. Be cautious moving forward as roommates. You need to accept the fact that you are going into a moving situation with someone you've had sexual experiences with. Respect each other's privacy, and treat the situation as friends sharing a living space. Don't find yourself cuddling together every night and sleeping in the same bed. You need to build your own space to allow yourselves to pursue your own life and sexuality. Don't fall into a pattern of relationship behavior because that will force unrealistic expectations, romantic feelings, and mutual jealousies/insecurities with each other.


    Keep us posted. We wish you the best.
    Last edited by Just_Believe18; August 13th, 2013 at 08:59 AM.
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  12. #12
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    Re: Advice with Roommate

    How much do you like him? If he's okay with it (and if you're okay with it of course), you can try an open relationship. That way you and he won't be pinned down with each other when clearly he is not ready for commitment (and maybe you are not as well).

  13. #13
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    Re: Advice with Roommate

    ^ He should not engage in an open relationship when he hasn't even been in a typical relationship yet.
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  14. #14
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    Re: Advice with Roommate

    I would keep in contact but do not press this issue if it is going to happen it will, if it is meant to be it is .

  15. #15

    Re: Advice with Roommate

    Thanks for all the advice. You all helped out a lot. I'll try and keep you posted to when we go back to school.

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