Alright, this might turn out kind of long, so bare with me...
Just gonna start from the beginning. I've always been into older dudes, and I never really saw anything wrong with it. It was as natural as liking guys in general, and it wasn't that I ONLY liked older guys, it just included them. Last summer I turned 18 and started "exploring". Okay, I started hooking up. My first sexual experiences were with guys I hooked up with. I wasn't a massive slut or anything like that, just liked to get off. Well, in September 2012, I met this guy. We'll call him "R". He was 50, I was 18.
The following month, my mom kicked me out. I was staying at a friend's house (he knew the guy, too) when me and R re-connected. We became exclusive soon after. Not by choice, but things fell into place that way right off the bat. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but he was really into me. Eventually, I started developing feelings for him as well. We went through a lot together over the next few months. I overcame my bout with painkillers, me and R fell in love, we moved in together due to things not working out in either of our living conditions....
Now, we got a place together in Jan. 2013....he got social security (health issues I don't need to go over), and I got back into school to continue working on getting credits so I could get my diploma. Over the next 5 or so months, me and him grew apart. We were very close, but we just stopped getting along. He wanted sex so often that it actually became boring...for an 18/19 year old. It was excessive. He also had a temper, which I couldn't deal with. We're both jealous people, and there we deep trust issues. We went from being very close to barely even having a relationship at all except for when he wanted to have sex. We barely got along. It was a combination of stress, and trying to help everybody else with their problems and not working on our relationship.
Finally, after 4 or 5 months of hoping and waiting for things to get better, I just kind of gave up. I told him I needed to move back to my dad's. Here's where things got really complicated....
He's a complete and utter wreck without me..that's not just me saying it, he'll be the first one to admit it. He always talks about wanting to try to fix things, but I don't have the urge or the energy to fix things. I'm exhausted. I still love him, though. I just don't feel like we can be in a relationship anymore. It's just been destroying him, though. If we can't work things out, he's going to move. He's decided it, and he's set on it. I just can't stand to hurt him anymore. It's killing me cuz I do still care about him very much.
Another problem is that I'm very unhappy at my dad's house. Somehow in my head, I thought leaving might make me happier, when in all reality, my life was shit even before I got kicked out. I'm just confused. I know R can make me happy. He's been making an effort to fix things, but I know and see that things will just return to being shitty after a while. On top of that, he's severely broken my trust lately in the midst of all this. I just don't know what to do. I talked to my therapist about this, and she says there's no way me and him could be friends after this because it will hurt too much to see the other with someone else.
I don't know what I'm asking. Maybe for input? I just don't want to hurt him. I know that I want to be with other people, but I still care for him, and I can't completely leave without him being under the impression that I don't give a shit about him. It's fuckin killing me. I think he knows the end is coming, but he doesn't want to completely lose me, and he KEEPS fuckin holding on and it's killing me to hurt him. It's fuckin bullshit. Can someone offer me some advice besides the whole "date your own age" thing? I just need some help from people who may have more experience in this kind of thing. It's my first relationship period, and his first actual serious relationship with a guy.
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