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Thread: I'm sad

      
   
  1. #1
    ZombieKiller
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    I'm sad

    I already came out to my whole family. Tomorrow we have a family meet. I was going to bring my long time bf. My sister just called me telling me my mom asked her to tell me not to bring my bf. She's not ready to accept that I'm gay. She wants us to pretend I'm normal tomorrow.

  2. #2
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    Re: I'm sad

    So go with your boyfriend and tell her that's the new normal.

    Or, another option is to stay home. If she can't accept you for this, then that's not your problem to deal with.
    Author of Lost in a Dream. If you want to make me smile, read it and tell me what you think.

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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by justanothershyguy View Post
    So go with your boyfriend and tell her that's the new normal.

    Or, another option is to stay home. If she can't accept you for this, then that's not your problem to deal with.
    This, with knobs on.
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  4. #4
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    Re: I'm sad

    Just show her you're happy with who you are. Don't doubt yourself or your bf, put your best foot forward, keep upbeat, and also make your bf welcomed in your family, it's as much about him as it is about your folks too.


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    Re: I'm sad

    Call your mom and explain that, although you would enjoy seeing her and your family for the holiday, attending without your bf is out of the question. Further explain that if she cannot accept who you are and whom you love, she'll find that you two won't be seeing as much of each other in the future as you would like.

    Good luck, ZK.

  6. #6
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    Re: I'm sad

    I am sorry...I hope she comes around for you.

    I would not attend without him so the two options I would consider would be to ignore the request and bring him and or not attend at all.

  7. #7
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    Re: I'm sad

    Call your mom and tell her, "Mom, at your request, I will not bring my boyfriend home. I will bring a dildo to keep me company at night."

  8. #8
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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by eastofeden View Post
    I am sorry...I hope she comes around for you.

    I would not attend without him so the two options I would consider would be to ignore the request and bring him and or not attend at all.
    This......

  9. #9

    Re: I'm sad

    Someone already said better.

    I just want you to emphasize "the new normal", choke that to their throat.

  10. #10
    para0402
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    Re: I'm sad

    Just bring your boyfriend and tell her this is normal.

  11. #11
    ZombieKiller
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    Re: I'm sad

    Thank you for all your support.

    No, I'm not going to alienate my mom or family. I'm going to give her time to digest this info.

  12. #12
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    Re: I'm sad

    Of course it's your problem to deal with -- you've made that obvious, and it would be for most of us. It is plain you are being pressured to choose between loved ones, and that's wrong, as always.

    I'd be resourceful. The goal is to try to get your mother to see the unfairness of her request. She wants to slice you up and leave out the bits she doesn't like. Help her see the wrongness of her request. Maybe remind her that in divorces the bad parents try to get the children to choose whom to love.

    Without being accusative, ask her how is that different from what she is requesting. "Do you see that you are asking me to tell the man that I love to please stay home because I'm supposed to only love the rest of my family and pretend you don't exist?"

    Remember, the goal is to get her to see the love, not lose a fight or be outed for her manipulative ways. Try to ignore the obnoxious fact that she wangled your sister into doing her hatchet work. YOU be the bigger man.
    There are TWO kinds of people in the world -- the kind who believe there are two kinds of people, and the kind who don't.

  13. #13
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    Re: I'm sad

    Im sorry. I wish that I had some great advice to give, but I dont. Its a difficult situation.

    I am glad that you have your bf to lean on and you are being true to yourself. You can't change people. I wish that we could sometimes.
    " For all there is to feel, let it be felt"
    ― Emeli Sande

  14. #14
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    Re: I'm sad

    Seeing as you've already decided to agree to your mothers request I'd make a point of telling her this is the one and only time you will do so. If she thinks she can get away with it once, she'll see no problem in making it a permanent fixture in family gatherings.

    Frankly I would have told her to piss off. If you're siblings are there with their partners, you need for her to realise that you'll be there with yours. Of course, I'm an arse though.

  15. #15
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    Re: I'm sad

    Talk to your mom.
    If she still don't want your bf to come, don't go.


    NEVER LISTEN TO A ONE SIDED STORY AND JUDGE.

  16. #16
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    Re: I'm sad

    Has she already met your bf ? If not, maybe a little compromise ? Accepting the whole family reunion without your bf, but asking for a meeting with your siblings and your parents with him, to let them know him, and teaching them little by little some acceptance ?

    It's easier to be rude/unaccepting when you don't know the person. Think strategically and for the long haul.
    Magna Veritas


  17. #17
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    Re: I'm sad

    I would go...without the BF, why make him the center of negative attention? Enjoy yourself as much as possible. At the end of the day, draw your Mom aside and tell her....." The day was great, you hope she enjoyed herself...because until she's able to accept you for who you are and who you choose to spend your life with, you won't be attending any more family functions. The stressful atmosphere isn't fair to the rest of the family". I love you, but that's just the way it is. She'll get angry, go silent, cry....then get over it.



    or not.



    What the fuck do I know....I'm some guy on the internet.

  18. #18
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    Re: I'm sad

    I wouldn't go with your boyfriend... that sounds awful. you're boyfriend is going to feel awkward and uncomfortable, your parents are going to be angry, and the whole thing just sounds like unnecessary drama.

    personally, I just wouldn't go. if you're mom doesn't want to know who you are, why make her a part of your life?

  19. #19

    Re: I'm sad

    Am I the only one disgusted that the mom made his sister do the dirty work of telling him not to bring his BF for her???

    I'd take him, and deny getting the message, or inform mom next time she has something to say, say it herself. Don't drag others into her insecurities.
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  20. #20
    JUB Addict Anders123's Avatar
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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by borg69unimatrix View Post
    I'd take him, and deny getting the message
    As much as we like to fantasise about these sorts of things in anger, they're never really practical in reality. It's a little passive-aggressive, and would only serve to exacerbate an already existing animosity. As wrong as it was for the mother to avoid confrontation with the OP, it doesn't justify that sort of response.

    Zombie, if you feel that you're able to spend time with your family after what's been said (and if it's worth it for you to change their perspectives) then go, alone. There is some great advice above about how you can express yourself without being overly confrontational. I just wanted to stress how important it is not to drag your boyfriend into a hostile/volatile environment.
    Last edited by Anders123; July 3rd, 2013 at 09:05 PM.

  21. #21
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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by Anders123 View Post
    As much as we like to fantasise about these sorts of things in anger, they're never really practical in reality. It's a little passive-aggressive, and would only serve to exacerbate an already existing animosity. As wrong as it was for the mother to avoid confrontation with the OP, it doesn't justify that sort of response.

    Zombie, if you feel that you're able to spend time with your family after what's been said (and if it's worth it for you to change their perspectives) then go, alone. There is some great advice above about how you can express yourself without being overly confrontational. I just wanted to stress how important it is not to drag your boyfriend into a hostile/volatile environment.
    This. I wouldn't drag my bf into my family matters. Either persuade your mom or don't go at all.

  22. #22
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    Re: I'm sad

    You have good advice here. Might want to have a word with your sister thanking her for helping but making it clear she does not have to be the person in the middle, and if your mom has an issue, she needs to bring it up. It might be just the support your sister needs to go back to your mom and say "Mom, I would never say something so rude to my brother."

    I did not face your situation. I came out when I was single, partly because I knew that I could work through anyone's feelings toward me, but I would never forgive anyone in my family who would treat any man in my life rudely, because of their petty bigotry. Most accepted it. Some came around. And one or two I never had to worry about introducing my guy to because they chose to write themselves off.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte.

  23. #23

    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by ZombieKiller View Post
    Thank you for all your support.

    No, I'm not going to alienate my mom or family. I'm going to give her time to digest this info.
    You don't have to 'alienate' anyone. Your mother has already done the 'alienating'.

    She has alienated the real you, and has invited the fake version of you.

    You didn't say if this 'family meet' will be at someone's home, or if it will be at a park or other public place. Taking anyone who is not wanted/invited to someone's home is never a good idea.

    Now, you can go alone and feel like crap (faking it), you can stay home and mope, or you and your boyfriend can make plans of your own and go have fun being who you really are.

  24. #24
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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by glasvegas View Post
    This. I wouldn't drag my bf into my family matters. Either persuade your mom or don't go at all.
    I hope you know your boyfriend is family once you say he is.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte.

  25. #25
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    Re: I'm sad

    The way you can bring a full stop to this kind of manipulative behaviour is to send your regrets and say that you will give your family time to accept the fact that you are a homo and once they have, you will look forward to attending a family event.

    By caving, you have indicated to your bf that he is of lesser value and you have given your mother total control over dictating terms of your behaviour and actions. Out of this, there will be a lifelong resentment and likely a break up with your current bf.

    What a total mess.

  26. #26
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    Re: I'm sad

    If all hope were lost, and this were a Hollywood farce, you could take your BF in full drag to the event and claim it was the only compromise since your mother wished he were a woman.

    But, as Anders123 has already said, the drama stuff is best left to fiction. Real people need their families, which is why this is an excellent thread in Hot Topics. Most of those lurkers out there, the ones who make up the 10x views to the actual posting rate, are trying to figure it out. Most of them are facing these situations sooner or later.

    So, thank you, Zombie, for airing your family's dirty laundry.

    Do the hard thing. Make your mother respect you and do not allow her to roll the apple of discord into your relationship with your BF.

    It's Independence Day, for fuck's sake. Death to tyranny!
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  27. #27
    ZombieKiller
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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by rareboy View Post
    The way you can bring a full stop to this kind of manipulative behaviour is to send your regrets and say that you will give your family time to accept the fact that you are a homo and once they have, you will look forward to attending a family event.

    By caving, you have indicated to your bf that he is of lesser value and you have given your mother total control over dictating terms of your behaviour and actions. Out of this, there will be a lifelong resentment and likely a break up with your current bf.

    What a total mess.
    Actually, it's not as dramatic. The bf totally understands, and it was him that insisted I not bring him. I'm more the in your face type. He's more reserved. He said we should give my mom more time. He doesn't want to stir up the pot when you can mix things gradually.

    Sorry to disappoint some of you. He's gonna stay home today.

    Happy independence day.

  28. #28
    ZombieKiller
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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by Dejavudoo View Post
    If all hope were lost, and this were a Hollywood farce, you could take your BF in full drag to the event and claim it was the only compromise since your mother wished he were a woman.
    You mean people don't do this in real life?

  29. #29
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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by ZombieKiller View Post
    Actually, it's not as dramatic. The bf totally understands, and it was him that insisted I not bring him. I'm more the in your face type. He's more reserved. He said we should give my mom more time. He doesn't want to stir up the pot when you can mix things gradually.

    Sorry to disappoint some of you. He's gonna stay home today.

    Happy independence day.
    The problem is...your bf will never feel welcome or comfortable now. And even if he goes to a family event with you at some point....that gulf will always be there...unless of course, your mother apologizes. There is no way on earth or in hell that I ever would have yielded to my mother...particularly the way she handled it through your sister. You are obviously a far more forgiving person than I am.

    Happy 4th.

  30. #30

    Re: I'm sad

    Well, you've had years of practice, so it shouldn't take long, or much work, for you to get into 'normal character' before the curtain rises.

    Have fun being someone else today. Break a leg.

  31. #31
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    Re: I'm sad

    I would go alone as you just opened up to the family. You have to give them time to adjust to your being gay.

    It took a while for my family to accept me, then they loved my friends and my partner.
    The thing about quotes on the internet is you can not confirm their validity -Abraham Lincoln

  32. #32
    ZombieKiller
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    Re: I'm sad

    So, I went alone. My family had a good time. In the evening, I raced back and the bf and I caught the fireworks at 9:30.

  33. #33
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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by glasvegas View Post
    This. I wouldn't drag my bf into my family matters. Either persuade your mom or don't go at all.
    Seconded and as above with Anders. Not fair to drag your bf in to a hostile environment.
    Hopefully your mum will come around to the idea (maybe with some help or persuasion) and offer an invitation at some later time - hopefully curiosity will get the better of her.
    Might be an idea to speak directly with your mum instead of through an intermediary, just keep calm if you do.
    Sorry to hear it didn't go as well as it might have done, just let her know you're the same person you've always been - not sure if I'd isolate myself by boycotting either it without talking to her, think it was a good idea to go.
    Last edited by Kabluey; July 5th, 2013 at 09:00 AM.
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  34. #34
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    Re: I'm sad

    I also think its not fair to validate the hostility by accepting their terms. I understand providing a cooling off period or time to adjust. I remember giving my mom a week. And I think there is value in letting them see you in a way that shows nothing has changed. But really the homophobes are the ones that have to do the work.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte.

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    Re: I'm sad

    I don't understand why the bf would want to go to a family gathering, unless you guys have been going out for a long time and its very serious. If my bf asked me to go to one of his family gathering I would most likely say no thanks and enjoy yourself.

  36. #36
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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by ZombieKiller View Post
    Actually, it's not as dramatic. The bf totally understands, and it was him that insisted I not bring him. I'm more the in your face type. He's more reserved. He said we should give my mom more time. He doesn't want to stir up the pot when you can mix things gradually.

    Sorry to disappoint some of you. He's gonna stay home today.

    Happy independence day.
    Man, maybe I'm wrong. Mom would be all by herself on July 4th. Fuck that nonsense.

  37. #37
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    Re: I'm sad

    I think you guys are horrible. It's his freakin' mom. You should put your mother before your boyfriend. Always.

    Is she a bad mother for wanting her son to come alone, because she's just not ready to have homosexuality thrown in her face? No. A bad mother would be one that wouldn't even want her gay son to come at all, and wouldn't want to have anything to do with him.

    You have to give her time. She will come around eventually. Don't put her through hell, some parents have a tough time accepting that their child is gay. Be respectful.

    Go alone. And eventually you'll be able to go with your boyfriend.

  38. #38
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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by tcrawford18 View Post
    I think you guys are horrible. It's his freakin' mom. You should put your mother before your boyfriend. Always.
    .
    LOL...I don't think so. As an adult man I will always put my mate before my parents or anyone else. My relationship with my man is based on respect and if he is not welcome anywhere then neither am I.

  39. #39

    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by tcrawford18 View Post
    I think you guys are horrible. It's his freakin' mom. You should put your mother before your boyfriend. Always.



    . . . .
    How old are you?

    Are you still dragging on the tit?

  40. #40
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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by ZombieKiller View Post
    So, I went alone. My family had a good time. In the evening, I raced back and the bf and I caught the fireworks at 9:30.
    Glad you had a good time. So there was really no reason to ask for anyone's opinion was there?

  41. #41
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    Re: I'm sad

    In regards to choosing the BF over mother... To me it isn't about this specific boyfriend and picking "him". It's more about the concept of being gay and making sure his mother realizes that it's not her decision to be made. Besides, if the mother can't accept him as her gay son, then what kind of mother is she really?

    But I do agree with others and that it isn't easy to drag along a boyfriend into family matters.
    Author of Lost in a Dream. If you want to make me smile, read it and tell me what you think.

  42. #42
    ZombieKiller
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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by rareboy View Post
    Glad you had a good time. So there was really no reason to ask for anyone's opinion was there?
    My apologies for sharing a sadness I had at the time.

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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by tcrawford18 View Post
    Is she a bad mother for wanting her son to come alone, because she's just not ready to have homosexuality thrown in her face?
    Methinks you excuse too easily the inexcusable.

    If he were bringing home the cherished girlfriend, would you choose the words "in her face" to describe the presence of the son's loved one? No. You'd find fault with the mother who made her son feel bad for inviting his beloved.

    ZK didn't have to foist anything on his mother unkindly, but civility is even afforded strangers, much less the loved ones of our loved ones.

    Of course, it is Zombie's affair, but he asked, so we told.
    There are TWO kinds of people in the world -- the kind who believe there are two kinds of people, and the kind who don't.

  44. #44

    Re: I'm sad

    Were private family matters (such as inheritances, genetic illnesses etc.) discussed at the gathering? Did any of your siblings bring bf's and/or gf's?
    Last edited by pat grimshaw; July 5th, 2013 at 05:44 PM.

  45. #45
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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by ZombieKiller View Post
    So, I went alone. My family had a good time. In the evening, I raced back and the bf and I caught the fireworks at 9:30.

    Great! Now what do you do the next time she doesn't want your long time bf there? And the time after that? And after that? There will come a day you have to say enough is enough and it might as well be now. I agree that it takes parents time to adjust to having a gay son, but you have already come out to them. Showing up with him will most likely expedite the process. If it doesn't, it's not your adjustment to make. Your mother is not a child but she is acting like one. BTW, tell your sister that your mother can fight her own battles and keep out of it.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  46. #46
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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by tcrawford18 View Post
    I think you guys are horrible. It's his freakin' mom. You should put your mother before your boyfriend. Always.
    Have you ever been to a wedding where the couple made the traditional wedding vows? When it gets to the part of "forsaking all others", it means parents, too. It's not a pretty thing when one half of the happy couple is always running to Momma for her approval. People who do that are not ready to be married. The OP called his bf his "long time" bf. They are not new to each other, they have a serious relationship.

    So we are not horrible, just realistic. And while most sons would do anything for their mothers, there comes a time to fly the nest and be a grown-up. We might owe our parents a lot, but allowing them to pick our mates (or our sexuality) is not one of them. If she had her way, he would turn his back completely on his bf and his sexuality. What kind of love is that?
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by ZombieKiller View Post
    So, I went alone. My family had a good time. In the evening, I raced back and the bf and I caught the fireworks at 9:30.
    I'd like to know:
    Did you have a good time?
    When did you come out to your family?
    Just when is your mother going to be ready to deal with your sexuality? Define 'more time'...

    I can imagine why you don't/didn't want to rock the boat but letting her deny him is letting her deny you. She is never going to adjust or get used to it until she spends time with you with your boyfriend. She's never going to deal with it till she deals with it.

    Personally I'd rather face the tantrums, tears and tiaras as soon as possible, but then I don't lead your life.
    Every time I've accepted and adjusted myself to the 'sensitivities' of others has meant they have festered and become really nasty resentments ending in huge arguments and hurt that could have been avoided if dealt with there and then.

  48. #48
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    Re: I'm sad

    Quote Originally Posted by tcrawford18 View Post
    I think you guys are horrible. It's his freakin' mom. You should put your mother before your boyfriend. Always.

    Is she a bad mother for wanting her son to come alone, because she's just not ready to have homosexuality thrown in her face? No. A bad mother would be one that wouldn't even want her gay son to come at all, and wouldn't want to have anything to do with him.

    You have to give her time. She will come around eventually. Don't put her through hell, some parents have a tough time accepting that their child is gay. Be respectful.

    Go alone. And eventually you'll be able to go with your boyfriend.


    How old are you? It isn't a matter of putting your mother ahead of or behind your boyfriend, it's about being an adult and putting yourself first. If you're gonna' stand around letting mommy dictate your life, she'll have you in hiding in the closet, ashamed and alone.


    "Is she a bad mother for wanting her son to come alone"? She doesn’t want her son to come at all. She wants some guy that looks and sounds like her son....but he's not a homo. And YES she is a bad mom. She doesn’t want her son at all, she wants a non-confrontational closet case to show up at family functions.

    The longer ZK allows his mom to dictate his life, the less he has ownership of it. At some point you're just gonna' have to say "Ma, I suck dick, get over it, or get out of my life". If my mother had tried this bullshit with me, she'd have gotten a good swift kick in the cunt (figuratively, of course).

    You want to be treated like, and respected like, an adult....start acting like one.

  49. #49
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    Re: I'm sad

    I'm 22. And have much more respect for my family than any of you apparently. And no my mother doesn't dictate my life since oh yeah she died last year from cancer ASSHOLES And while she was alive she was the most loving and adoring mother, who accepted my homosexuality ever since I told her about it in the sixth grade. So that has nothing to do with my opinions.

    My personal experience comes from dealing with my father, who was disappointed that I was gay. But I gave him time, and RESPECT, and eventually he came around, and now I'm closer to my father than I ever have been in my life.

    Had I brought my boyfriends to his birthday parties and made out with them while he's blowing out his candles, I doubt things would have turned out the same way.

    I'm glad this guy had the sense to listen to his mother and go without his boyfriend. BRAVO.

  50. #50
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    Re: I'm sad

    ^I'm inclined to agree with this.

    I think different folks need different strokes. Some parents will need time to come around as described above; others might need to have an ultimatum hurled in their direction in order to force their hand one way or the other. I don't think there is any blanket solution which will fit all scenarios.

    I also don't think anyone should be given any shit or as much derision as the OP got, or the poster above me got, for trying the slow approach.

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