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  1. #1
    JUB Addict menRsexii's Avatar
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    am i in the wrong?

    okay so theres this guy, quite a bit older than me and we dated a couple times a while back, but i wasnt feeling it and ever since, we've been friends. he'd give me advice on a lot of things, and was there to talk. as some of you may know, im going through a bit of a crossroads in my life, trying to figure out what i want and how to fully accept myself and just to be... happy.

    well hes stuck by me for a long time, listened to my complaints and problems, and i couldnt thank him enough. but recently, miscommunication and confusion led to an error in one of our planned meetings and then he got super mad at me, calling me flakey and a "shitty friend" for rescheduling (even though he was the one that first mentioned the idea). i feel that put a sort of damper on our relationship.

    and then today he said he wanted to meet up again this week, and it was gonna be wednesday or friday (i was checking with other people i was gonna hang out with, so i could find when him and i could hang out)... well anyways, it ended with him saying i need to grow up, to not be lazy, and to give me "time to figure my shit out"

    i never really thought of myself as immature (i mean no more so than a 21 year old). its just lately every time we've talked, ive ended up feeling like an asshole and in the wrong. but in a way he also seems very manipulative... he wants to have sex with me. i dont look at him romantically but i could see a fwb working, maybe. so i guess i go back and forth between the idea of becoming physical with him. i told him no a couple of weeks ago, because i didnt want to string him along... but then he keeps making me feel like it'll be good for me to open up and learn more from him, sexually.

    well anyways, regardless now... i have no clue where our friendship is. he's giving me space (for how long, i dont know) but i just find it annoying that i always end up feeling like im always in the wrong. do you guys think i am? i know he's older (and probably wiser, then) but it just seems like he overreacts to situations some times i often end up feeling really bad. what do you guys think?

  2. #2
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    If he can't stand you so much, if you're such a horrible friend, if you're so "immature" to him, he probably shouldn't be begging you for sex.

    Do NOT sleep with this man. Nothing good can come of it. You're a young guy... you can find dick elsewhere

    If you really want to be friends with this guy, you need to make it clear that nothing more will ever happen. He seems like the type that will always think he has a chance until you make that completely clear.
    Last edited by TheSpectatingLoner; July 2nd, 2013 at 07:58 PM.

  3. #3
    JUB Addict menRsexii's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    the thing is, i guess im not sure if having sex is completely off the shelf... well now it may be. but he was always very convincing in that it would be a good thing.

    anyways, he's completely ignored my texts. i think its because i agreed with his idea to take a break. its not what he wanted to hear.

  4. #4
    Of Nightmares & Secrets. MoufOfKhaos's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    Sounds like a manipulative douche to me. Let him go.

    Anyone that gets that upset at ONE mis-communication isn't stable at all.
    "I snuff their tongues, my heart a-flutter,

    These words i speak are gates to Hell..."

  5. #5
    JUB Addict The Fly's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    Don't go any further than friends, and no with benefits. He's manipulative, controlling, and mentally/emotionally abusive. This is the kind of guy you can only have as a friend, and kept at arms length. He'll always want you sexually, and if he hasn't already, he'll soon start accusing you of using him and/or leading him on. Tread lightly.

  6. #6

    Re: am i in the wrong?



    i told him no a couple of weeks ago, because i didnt want to string him along... but then he keeps making me feel like it'll be good for me to open up and learn more from him, sexually.
    dump this guy


    ...quickly

  7. #7

    Re: am i in the wrong?

    I agree with everyone else... He's manipulative, controlling, and possessive. He isn't trying to help you, he's trying to mold you into someone dependent on him. Dump him.
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  8. #8
    JUB Addict menRsexii's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    its just weird because he really does seem like he always wants the best for me. so the fact you all think so differently is kind of shocking and scary. but since the beginning, he has seemed manipulative... he influenced me to end my last relationship, saying that my ex was manipulative and controlling lol

  9. #9

    Re: am i in the wrong?

    Anyone pushing for sex is looking out for their own interests, not yours. Perhaps he pushed for you to dump the ex so he could have you.
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  10. #10
    Sex God Agent Provocateur's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    Hit it and quit it, if he's hot.
    I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.

  11. #11
    JUB Addict menRsexii's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    ^ im not at all romantically interested in him. i just dont feel that way about him. i dont find him sexually attractive. but i'd been considering sex with him because he said it'd be good for our friendship, it opens me up (metaphorically) and creates a bond and would help me learn more, sexually.

  12. #12
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by menRsexii View Post
    ^ im not at all romantically interested in him. i just dont feel that way about him. i dont find him sexually attractive. but i'd been considering sex with him because he said it'd be good for our friendship, it opens me up (metaphorically) and creates a bond and would help me learn more, sexually.
    He's full of shit. he just wants to fuck you. read what everyone in this thread said.

    older does not equal wiser. a lot of older gay men are stuck in peter pan mode and aren't really emotionally past their preteen years. he's claiming to be mentor buddy figure, looking for your best interest (note: just because someone says they're looking after you doesn't mean they are) but it's all about sex in the end.

    you'll feel used if you have sex with him. no question about it.

    your gut instinct is saying no... always trust your gut.

  13. #13

    Re: am i in the wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by menRsexii View Post
    ^ im not at all romantically interested in him. i just dont feel that way about him. i dont find him sexually attractive. but i'd been considering sex with him because he said it'd be good for our friendship, it opens me up (metaphorically) and creates a bond and would help me learn more, sexually.
    That's one of the worst pick up lines EVER!!! ... and if you fall for it I'll personally bitch slap you.
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  14. #14
    ZombieKiller
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    menRsexii, please please please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way.

    I've known plenty of guys like you. Monday you're hanging out with this friend. Tuesday, you're hanging out with another friend. Wednesday, you're busy going out with these other guys. Thursday, you're having a date with your fag hag. Friday, you're hanging out with your roommate. Saturday, you're meeting up with some random guy from an app to chat. Sunday, you're meeting up with an old friend.

    The thing is you're super friendly to all of these people. I know you don't mean to, but you are leading them all on.

    You see, when we have friends, we pay attention to them. We reward them with our love. We comfort them with the idea that we'll always be there for them. That's what real friendship means. Unfortunately, for some young guys like yourself, they spread themselves too thin by having too many "close friends". For a while, you will do your best to be there for them. After a while, you will feel overwhelmed and can't fulfill your commitments. This is when your friends will start feeling betrayed.

    It may seem fun now knowing a whole bunch of different people and always busying yourself with meeting up with them and just having fun. When they realize they're one of many many many people you seem really close to, they will distant themselves from you because they can't help but feeling betrayed. I've seen guys like you ending up with no one to depend on.

    Forgive me if I'm wrong about this. I'm just warning you ahead of time. Try to have it all and you will end up with nothing. It is better to have a few close friends than a whole bunch of casual friends.

  15. #15
    JUB Addict menRsexii's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    ^ that doesnt offend me. mainly because i really dont see myself that way. i have a small group of really close friends. i think the more concerning area, the part that relates more to your post, is me meeting guys online. i have a couple of dating profiles and i talk and meet (online) a lot of guys. it seems liek its a common cycle for me to talk with a guy for a week or two, then it fizzle out. move onto the next guy. sometimes im able to meet them in person but the majority is just online.

    i see myself spreading myself too thin when it comes to tryin and meeting new guys to date, for sure. i have to work on that, i know.

  16. #16
    Fantasize it's Fun
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    menRsexii

    Me, I think it is time to move on. l would not initiate or make contact at this point.

    All my best

    ys

  17. #17
    dances atop the bellcurve fetaby's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    When I initially read the OP I was thinking you were a tad bit in the wrong for not just going ahead picking a day to hang with your friend. The checking to see which day was more convenient for some other friends likely made the guy feel like you thought more of them and less of him.

    HOWEVER, after reading the subsequent posts... This guy is no friend. He's just some random trying to get your man juice. How do I know? Because a friend would never pressure someone into having sex they really aren't in to having. You don't need anyone telling you at what pace you need to "open up" sexually. That's for you to decide.
    Please do not apologize for your opinion.

  18. #18
    Fantasize it's Fun
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by fetaby View Post
    ... a friend would never pressure someone into having sex they really aren't in to having.
    fetaby,

    I fully agree.

  19. #19
    JUB Addict Georgiadude's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    The problem isn't the age difference. The problem is this guy is playing you. Theres nothing wrong with having friends of all ages, but are your other friends pressuring you for sex? He's playing mind games with you. He's trying to act like a mentor but in reality he's after you. Whether it's just for sex or a relationship It's hard to tell. Either way it doesn't matter. You need to cut him off. Don't get into some back and forth with him. He's going to try and guilt trip you or turn into a stalker. Just tell him you decided to end things. Block his number and delete his texts. He'll find someone else to play with. End it quick and clean

    Steven

  20. #20
    ecce homo rareboy's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    I think that both of you would make horrible friends.

  21. #21
    The nice guy from Nice. dpnice's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    Sorry but I disagree with the majority of the above posts; I find them extremely judgemental and all the advice is based on little or no knowledge of the older guy and his character.

    He has obviously been a support to you in more difficult circumstances which in itself deserves some form of gratitude. So he wants sex with you and you are thinking that it might be a worthwhile experience; so what is wrong with that.

    If you wish to be friends with someone then certain efforts, even sacrifices, have to be made. Plus you have to communicate.

    When a friend wants to see me I don't hestitate waiting to see if other people want to see me. I choose the first free date I have and fix the meeting.

    It is your decision whether staying friends or having sex is something you want. If you can't make your wishes clear then you can't expect the guy to be very sympathetic with the present situation.

    At your age you should be able to evaluate if he is threatening you emotionally, if this is the case then you must decide whether that is acceptable or not according to any advantages a relationship with him would provide.

    Often I think that if a relationship is too hard work then it is not a friendship and really not worthwhile continuing with. But you are the only one who can decide that.

    Take care and wishing you all the best in solving your dilemma.
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  22. #22
    Dejavudoo
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    I have a few younger friends, platonic and gay, and I see some of the tensions you describe.

    This guy may be a real friend, but not know how to turn off his attraction to you. As such, the friendship maybe doomed, as romantic involvement sounds like it is already creating some unrealistic expectations. He may well be convincing himself that FWB would be good for you to just help you learn.

    Unfortunately, just because he may be deluding himself about sexual attraction being mutual doesn't mean his complaints about your fickleness are off base. My younger friends often renege on a moment's notice, hold out for a better opportunity for recreation or only tend to show up when needing something. Guess what? That doesn't mean they are not friends, but it does mean, as he said, that they are not very good friends. As such, I remind myself that I cannot count on them in the way I have counted on other friends who are reliable. It may be an age thing, but it is more likely just a maturity thing in learning what it means to be a friend.

    My counsel is to break it off with this guy. I think he will always expect more, and you will tend to abuse the friendship by taking but not giving as a close friend should, and I don't mean sex. You obviously have other friends, so I'd recommend admitting that this one doesn't mean enough to you to keep from angering the guy, so admit it and tell him that the sexual expectation and your lack of closeness to him is a problem. Stop texting him and end it.

  23. #23
    Of Nightmares & Secrets. MoufOfKhaos's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by dpnice View Post
    Sorry but I disagree with the majority of the above posts; I find them extremely judgemental and all the advice is based on little or no knowledge of the older guy and his character.

    He has obviously been a support to you in more difficult circumstances which in itself deserves some form of gratitude. So he wants sex with you and you are thinking that it might be a worthwhile experience; so what is wrong with that.
    I'm sorry, but there's gratitude for a person being there, and then there's someone expecting compensation for being there. This is clearly an example of the latter, which is NOT a friendship. Call it judgmental if you wish, but having read through the information provided, the thing I can't get over is the fact that it took ONE accidental missed meeting for him to become a "shitty friend" that needs to "grow up".

    And btw menRsexii, sex will NOT help a friendship - friends are friends without it.
    "I snuff their tongues, my heart a-flutter,

    These words i speak are gates to Hell..."

  24. #24
    Reunited
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    I think you may have got the word Friend mixed up for the word Predator , no "friend" should or would try and exert undue pressure on you to have sex with him .

    Am sorry my friend , most of the other members posts are spot on .
    At best you would be a Trophy Fuck , sorry for being blunt , but you come across as a lovely guy , and i think he is playing you lika a puppet .

  25. #25
    JUB Addict Maklaar13's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by menRsexii View Post
    its just weird because he really does seem like he always wants the best for me. so the fact you all think so differently is kind of shocking and scary. but since the beginning, he has seemed manipulative... he influenced me to end my last relationship, saying that my ex was manipulative and controlling lol
    I agree with all of those who think you should stay away from this man. Of course he wanted you to break up with your supposedly manipulative and controlling ex, because he wants to be the only one that can do that to you. Run fast, run far and keep on your pants.

  26. #26
    JUB Addict loveguys72's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    I'm gonna have to agree with the folks advising you to run, not walk, as far and as fast from this guy as your feet will carry you. Yeah, if you agree to meet up with someone, you should make good on that, barring some extreme impediment. To do otherwise is just rude. But, for him to then use this lapse in good manners to pressure you for sex when you've been clear you're not interested in a sexual or romantic relationship with him is outrageous and you shouldn't tolerate or entertain the idea.

    You can work on your life and accepting yourself without manipulators like this "helping" you.

  27. #27

    Re: am i in the wrong?

    I agree with the majority here also. His game is to pretend to know and want what's best for you. He seems like a self-centered prick who's really only interested in what he wants. He's definitely playing you. He can only control you if you let him. I think you would end up regretting it if you had sex with him.

  28. #28
    Lions&Tigers&Bears Oh My!
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    He is definitely manipulating you IMO. You mentioned this a few times...trust that feeling.

  29. #29
    Pianist
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    Yeah, I'm afraid he's probably just lookin' for the sex, and once that's achieved, you'll be another notch on the ol' bedpost and he'll move on to the next young conquest.

  30. #30
    The nice guy from Nice. dpnice's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    Well we have really torn this poor guy to shreds.

    Talk about character assassination.

    And he is not even here to give his side of the story.
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  31. #31
    Dragon hugs and wolf kiss alister's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    I kind of agree with dpnice and dejavudoo.

    I'd just like to ask one thing, is this the first get together that didn't happen, or the first time he got angry over a missed date? Have there been multiple missed dates in the past?

  32. #32
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    I'm pretty sure you'll learn more about sex from someone you actually find attractive, as well as friendly.

    BTW, raise your standards for "friendly" while you're at it.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

  33. #33
    dances atop the bellcurve fetaby's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by dpnice View Post
    Well we have really torn this poor guy to shreds.

    Talk about character assassination.

    And he is not even here to give his side of the story.


    It's srs business.

    If he's not here, then how can he be torn to shreds? We were given a very small piece of information that could lead to a couple of different logical outcomes regarding a situation. That several people came to the same conclusion isn't really a reflection of that man but of the information given to us.

    Deja went out of his way to give a possible motivation for the more questionable aspect of the older friend's behavior. The older friend may very well have a perspective regarding sex that isn't typical and is trying to share that with the OP. Who knows? It may be awesome. But it wasn't the older friend coming here to explain how his sexing of a younger man is going to "open up" his world and help him grow and mature. It was a younger man coming here to explain how an older man who he isn't particularly attracted to is pressuring him to have sex he doesn't particularly want to have. And then again, if the OP does want to go there and get some old man cawk, he's aware of the fact that a majority of jubbers believe that the older friend will lose interest in him after the deed is done.

    Overall a successful thread,
    Please do not apologize for your opinion.

  34. #34
    ecce homo rareboy's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    I still think that I nailed it above. Both the OP and his friend need a reality check.

    When I was in my 20's it used to kill me to see how many other young guys acted like complete flakes when it came to meeting up with others....they were always on the doorstep when they had a problem but were never around to share good times. The OP sounds like one of these guys.

    On the other hand, the guy that the OP is talking about is not a nice person at all and I think that almost everyone has got his number...he is a manipulative person after one thing only. What we don't get from the OP is whether he ever has still flirted with his 'friend' or led him on in any way to believe that there is some possibility that they might hit the sheets.

    In any event, I think they are best staying away from one another.

  35. #35
    TheSpectatingLoner
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by dpnice View Post
    Sorry but I disagree with the majority of the above posts; I find them extremely judgemental and all the advice is based on little or no knowledge of the older guy and his character.
    He's pressuring the guy to have sex with him because "it would make the friendship better" and at the same time accusing him of being a horrible friend?!

    This guy wants one thing! Come on, now!

    I'm not saying the OP is completely innocent in this, but his friend is pure sketch.
    Last edited by TheSpectatingLoner; July 5th, 2013 at 07:47 AM.

  36. #36
    Slut tcrawford18's Avatar
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    I'm gonna put myself in the minority of people who've commented here, but I don't think this friend of yours is a bad guy. I think he obviously has a crush on you. And even though you guys are just friends, he wishes you two were more. That's hard for anyone to accept. So whenever you're willing to set up time with him, he's ecstatic about it, which means if something goes wrong, it's doubly crushing for him.

    And of course he wants to have sex with you, if he is crushing on you and is attracted to you. That's not out of the ordinary either. And it's never easy for a guy who wants to have sex with someone to be told no. It wounds their ego and destroys their self confidence. It sounds like you're putting him through emotional hell, even though that's not your intention at all.

    I've been on both sides of situations like this, so I can feel his point of view, and yours as well. I think at this point, you can really only do one thing, and that's make a final decision. Either have sex with him, and date him. See if it works out. Or completely cut him out of your life for good. Let him heal, and the two of you can go your separate ways.

  37. #37
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    Re: am i in the wrong?

    Quote Originally Posted by rareboy View Post
    I still think that I nailed it above. Both the OP and his friend need a reality check.

    When I was in my 20's it used to kill me to see how many other young guys acted like complete flakes when it came to meeting up with others....they were always on the doorstep when they had a problem but were never around to share good times. The OP sounds like one of these guys.

    On the other hand, the guy that the OP is talking about is not a nice person at all and I think that almost everyone has got his number...he is a manipulative person after one thing only. What we don't get from the OP is whether he ever has still flirted with his 'friend' or led him on in any way to believe that there is some possibility that they might hit the sheets.

    In any event, I think they are best staying away from one another.
    I think that is a fair assessment. I truly believe that when you are in any situation it is always smart to understand your own role in it and own it.

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