First time here - didn't know where else to go for this - somewhat embarrassed to be here writing this.
For a long time I have struggled with the idea of interest in guys. It seems to have been an offshoot of low self esteem - always wanted to look like someone else especially those guys that always seemd to get the girls. That and other influences eventually I saw the interest in guys become more difficult to ignore. To date I have never had any sex (oral or anal) with a guy other than a mutual JO many years ago. Being extremely shy I never acted on anything except to try and find girls to date and eventually married a gal. We're now separated but for different issues than this. Nobody knows this about me.
I have seen more than my share of straight & gay porn. They all make it seem fun, normal and enjoyable. So I had to be curious and wonder why a guy would stick himself into the rectum of another and why a guy would let him do so. Like I said, I am curious. So, very ashamed, I bought some toys. The Fleshlight is great but the trouble begins with the dildo. I put a condom on it, lubed it up and gave it a go. After trying 3 times in 2 days I am even more ashamed, confused and worried. What have I done? Any pleasure was negated by the discomfort and some pain. I tried more lube - same results except even more ashamed now yet still curious for more. I haven't done anything else and am trying to give myself time to get back to normal and deal with the guilt - but the curiousity still exists and I hate myself for it. Now it seems I can't control the passing of gas like I used to and that can be embarrasing in public to sound like your sitting on bubble wrap....
Will my butt ever be normal again? Would the experience have been different with a guy?
What does one do when they have desires like these and these feelings, thoughts and desires go completely against your core beliefs? I can't share with anyone around in my area and I am too well known and liked by those people I do know. Does anyone else NOT want to be gay or Bi? Have we simply chosen to keep doing it until it seems normal or ok and we no longer feel bad?
What are your thoughts? Hopefully you will see this and respond thoughtfully. This is a serious issue for me and sincerely ask for input.