I really have no idea where to post this, as I'm paranoid that he has some sort of presence on every gay/bisexual related site/forum/thread on the internet and if the infinitesimally small chance of him reading this comes to pass, I'll probably die emotionally from shame and embarrassment. I have so much bottled up inside, things I want to say to him but I don't want to compromise our future and/or the possibility of meeting him in person.
I met a man months ago that I've now identified as my soul mate; the catch being that we've never actually met in person. I felt no connection to him at first, as we were introduced by a mutual friend (again, this has all been online, kind of sad I know but I've never felt this way about anyone else before and I'll get to that soon) but as we got to know each other, we realized how similar we are in so many ways and then I found out he's bisexual. That detail never mattered to me until recently, which is where my problems arise. Eventually he told me he Loved me and that he thinks of us as being soul mates. He said that he didn't feel this way romantically, per se, but that we're essentially the same person. I cried and revealed I felt the same and since then, we've spoken to each other by any means necessary everyday for nearly six months, although I'm still way too shy to speak to him by phone. Otherwise, we use Skype and he calls me on there and we have a one sided conversation which I've been feeling guilty about although this isn't done on purpose as I don't own a mic and the one integrated onto my laptop is a piece of shit. He even.. calls with his ****** and I get to see him smile and he just makes me feel happier than I've ever been, even with a developing anxiety (due to IRL problems).
Before I wildly derail this into a long, boring wall of text, I need to get back on subject. I Love him with all of my heart, he's part of me now and I know that if I ever lose him, I don't think my Life will be put back on track for quite some time, especially if we don't get to meet each other. I realize that we only know of each other as an online presence, but there are times where I become confused and feel that it's entirely possible that I'm IN Love with him. All of my dreams are about my Life revolving around him in a completely non-sexual way, at first. My fantasy is that we can Love each other romantically, and if that doesn't happen, or work out, he'll still be the center of my Life regardless. The problem I'm having is... is it right to think this way?
As I mentioned, I've been falling into some anxiety lately and it's been making me emotional and I cry way more often than I ever have before. When I get overwhelmingly negative thoughts, I have to stop myself from bawling to avoid my family, whose house I still live in, from hearing. No matter how I'm feeling though, if I ever read, see, or hear this man speak to me to comfort, he makes me smile or laugh and I can't control it. I can be crying my eyes out in pure sorrow and this man will bring a smile to my face. He doesn't know this though, I never tell him when I'm feeling sad or if I'm crying, it just happens. I guess I'm just adding this part in to reconfirm to myself that I Love him pure and simple. He's my everything.
I don't want to compromise what we have by telling him that I want to give myself to him in every way possible and that I can't imagine Loving anyone else the way I do him. I'm not under the impression he feels this way about me romantically and he brought this fact up once specifically which is why I feel so bad about feeling this way about him. It makes me start to choke up to think that I've so foolishly fallen for him past that mental platonic point. I Love him so much that it seems to bleed through boundaries that are, or at least should be, set.
There are just too many variables not in my favor for this to become possible, and while I'm okey with that... I wish we could be so much more. It's very contradicting with my ideals and beliefs. He makes me so confused yet so happy that I Hope this is just a phase I grow out of. Not Loving him, of course, that's not possible, but I mean my interest in him.
As soon as I typed that, he actually calls me on my phone and I stammer like an idiot... I nearly started crying.
Anyway, I've been through almost all scenarios in my head about a real relationship with him that I even prevent myself from enjoying such a 'fantasy'. I think, "well he probably wouldn't Love me in that way for long because he's bisexual... perhaps there'd be a woman in his Life he'd be interested in." I don't know... I hardly even want to continue typing this stuff because it makes it seem like I'm obsessed with him in this way when I'm really not... it's just a much preferred road that our friendship could possibly take that I'd have no problem with... lol.
I just don't want to sound selfish and crazy because it's not THAT bad. When I hear about him flirting with other guys and when the notion comes up that he would definitely mess around with a man given the chance, it makes me smile excessively and it even makes me happy and laugh. My mind is so twisted onto itself about him that I HOPE he finds someone that can make him as happy as he makes me. I don't spend my nights and days thinking about US being a couple, I spend them thinking about just being near him and being with him in whatever role he wants or needs me to fill... 'brother', best friend, confidant, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on....
In the end, when I say he's my everything, I mean it with all of my being; I just want to know if it's wrong to think we can be more, because I don't want to keep feeling that way about him specifically. I guess it's just a cluster due to the fact that he happens to be my 'soul mate' and my first Love.