I need help. Iím 21 years old and virgin. I live in US for about 5 years. Recently I donít know if Iím going through a phase or this is my transition to being gay. I moved from India about 5 years ago, I was always attracted to girls, I actually fell for couple girls in India (never get to do anything because of culture, but it was mutual understanding that we both like each other lot). When I came here, I was still attracted to girls, and only masturbated to girls in straight porn. I was poor and had to work lot during my college life plus since I didnít speak English really well I was afraid to talk to girls. So I never had anybody here.
Recently on my 21st birthday, I start noticing receding hair lines, and that sent me into fear of balding. I feared I will be bald, ugly, and Iíll be alone forever. After one thing led to another, I start looking in my past in India, and started questioning my sexuality that may be I didnít try hard to get a girl because I subconsciously donít want them. Later my past came back haunting me, in India, guys tends to be really close. Your guy friends are everything to you, you hold their hands, you sleep together, in short physical touch between guys is no big deal. Itís also normal for one guy to huff (grind) with the other by pretending him as female because culturally you only get girls if you marry them. This kind of behavior is more prominent in the boarding school where they are just all guys. I had a few sexual encounters with guys. (I should use boys here because we were all boys-under 15 around the same age). I wasnít emotionally attached to them or anything it was pure out of curiosity and desperateness. I never saw guys as attractive, matter of fact I didnít even think about them. I was always attracted to girls, and never thought about the men.
But Now, Iím questioning if Iím gay or not because of my past. I tell myself that it was pure sexual desperateness and curiosity, nothing more. But Iím question if Iím in denial. I admire and envy men but I never in attractive or sexual way.
Last night, my roommate half naked came in my room to chat with me, I was half naked too. We were talking my admission process in law school. My brain as always started testing if Iím attracted to this dude. It was weird feeling, I was angry that why am I constantly testing myself. Second, quiet night, alone, and half-naked brought me back those vivid memories from the boarding school in India. Then I started to think about the possibility of what if he touched me accidentally and what if I like it? This kind of thinking led me to believe that somewhat I want that. But at that same time I donít want to have sex with men. I never thought about them even in my dreams, its always been girls. Iím afraid what if Iím gay. I donít like men, never did, I had few encounters with boys when I was a kid, but boys donít have any feature of men, they are unisex in a way.
This is giving me lot of anxiety, and I am constantly sad and scared. I know Iím not gay, and I donít even think about men in that way. But me not being with a girl, my boy band adventure and me constantly going to this circular arguments if Iím gay or not (what if Iím gay-then I present proof to myself that I am not-but then I question what if Iím denial-and just keep going this way in a circular way) is affecting my life in a negative way. I start thinking/imagining the scenarios of what if I turned out to be gay. Obviously Iím scares of social stigma, and second I know Iím not but why the fuck am I over thinking this. Iím a mess, I avoid few friends that I have, I donít even remember when was the last time I did something really fun. Iím alone, one of my friend is a pick up artist he offered to teach me the game, I was excited but this cloud of confusion is really shattering my confidence and motivation to do anything. Sometimes, I just feel like giving up and think that Iím really a gay, but then I am not attracted to guys. I thought about watching gay porn, but then I had fear of what if I like it. Itís not that Iím in denial in this particular matter. But I like straight anal porn because of love of power and forbidden fruit. So Iím afraid because I like anal porn, I might like the gay porn and will lead even to deeper anxiety. Then then I question again what if Iím denial because I had this perfect excuse. I want to fuck girls until their brain explode. I recently took steps to stop watching porn because itís not real and I donít want to get disappointed in real life.
I searched lot of forums and know that if people are gay then they usually know it but hide it. My problem is what if I am and I donít know it. I donít even know if Iím blowing this out of proportions or this is just a phase. Since a kid, I always dreamed of being emotionally attached to my girlfriends and having kids and a normal life. With this kind of anxiety Iím even afraid to dream. Iím even afraid to make out with a girl because my confidence is low and fear of what if I donít like it.
Iím sorry for a long essay, there is more but I feel like I hit the key points. I canít tell if this a phase that comes with a age, or that recently I looked in my past and didnít like what I did so now Iím started to become more aware and question every little things so I wonít regret later. Or maybe Iím disappointed that my life is turning out the way I wanted Ė I am smart, and always thought I would do great things down the road but recently I didnít get into law school and like I said one thing led to another, so I donít know if all these factors are stressing me out. I donít even know what should be my ending question here asking for help.
Please share any thoughts or reflections you have. Thank you very much.
P.S. Sorry for bad English.