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Thread: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

      
   
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    Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    So last week, I came out to my two best friends and I felt great afterwards because nothing changed and they completely accepted me and were extremely supportive. So after I talked to them for a while and told them that I wanted to come out to my parents, they encouraged me to and said everything would be fine because they have known my parents for a while. So I worked up the courage to do it and now I totally regret it.

    First off, my parents are very socially liberal people and have never said anything bad about gay people or anything, so this is what makes it so difficult for me to understand.

    I told them both at the same time, and when I did it my dad just sat there and said absolutely nothing and my mom said she couldn't deal with this and walked out of the room and would not talk to me even after a few minutes of begging her. FINALLY, we started talking and she started saying stuff like "If you expect me to be proud, you're wrong" and "You weren't born this way" and "Imagine what people will think of you," etc. etc. etc. And when I told her that I just needed her to be there, she told me that I broke her heart and she was disappointed.

    So I have been absolutely devastated since then. My dad has been talking to me and everything seems normal. He's only brought it up once and that was to say he didn't like it but I'm 21 and he can't stop me or control me. My mom on the other hand has went insane and continues to bring up the "What are people going to think of you?" argument and when I told her that I have known since I was a freshman in high school, she said she didn't believe me and that she knows that I am not gay. She also flat out said that she was not okay with it and she would never be okay with it. So needless to say, I am shocked, disgusted, crushed, and dumbfounded all at once. She ignores me most of the time, and I do not know what to say to her.

    So...how do you talk to someone like this? A parent who refuses to accept you and doesn't even really believe you when you tell them something you have known to be true for so long? I just feel like I cannot go on with her.

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    On the Prowl deelong's Avatar
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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    I would say give her a little time to cool down and give her a little space. And when it seems as though she's a calm, then talk to her about the situation. Or maybe, she'll come to you when she not so upset.

    At least in my experience. When people say stuff like, "What are people going to think of you?". They're usually afraid of what people might think of them. And they care what people think of them. Usually it's close friends, church members, etc.

    I do feel the way that it turned out. At least your parents know now. There really isn't a better way to come out in my opinion. I hope everything works out. And I think sooner or later your parents will accept the fact that you're and ain't nothing changing that.
    -Dee

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    Rest in peace, mom. JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    You tell her that you are "shocked, dumbfounded and disgusted" and that you expect better from her. She's making this about her and not you. She's acting as if she's the first parent of a gay son. Her "imagine what people will think" line is the tell all. I'm guessing she's afraid of blame as if it's something to be ashamed of. She needs a major dose of education, but she's going to have to be ready to learn.

    Do you live with your parents? If so, find the number of the local PFLAG chapter if you're in the US and there's one nearby, or give her the PFLAG website address. If you don't live with them I'd suggest signing her up as a member and allow the information to come to her.

    Eventually, let's hope she comes around. I believe she will as she learns that you were born "that way." She shut herself down for the moment, but she will start questioning herself and her beliefs once it sets in that your homosexuality isn't going to go away.

    Do you have other family or older adults that might be supportive?

    I'm sorry you're going through this. I do believe it will change based on the example of tolerance they have shown to others throughout your life.

    [I wish my husband and I were your parents neighbors.]

    Good luck and stay hopeful. I'm sorry for your pain, my friend.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    that is absurd.
    you have every right to be upset with her.
    she may fear the blame and think that everyone will blame the mother - which scientifically is accurate (homosexuality and bisexuality are in part developed due to uterine conditions faced by the embryo). but there is no reason for anyone to blame her. there is nothing wrong with you. and "what will people think of you"? that you are a confident, brave, dude. takes a lot of courage to come out it. it was tough for me despite getting positive responses, i cant imagine how it feels for you right now. but the thing is - youll be ok.

  5. #5

    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Your parents obviously believe that you have chosen to be gay and could, if you wished, choose to be straight. It is imperative the explain to them that you did not choose to be gay and that you cannot choose to be straight. No one knows what causes some to be gay, whether it it genetic, caused by something in the womb, or what. But it is not something that your parents did, it is not their fault. You can no doubt find sites on the Internet which will help convince them. The love you, and will come around once they see it is not a choice.
    See it from their point of view. They want you to marry a nice girl, give them grandchildren and live an ordinary life. You seem to them to have rejected that for some unaccountable reason.
    Last edited by Benvolio; June 11th, 2013 at 01:05 PM.

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Just leave your mother alone for a few months.

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    They need to time to have i sink in, and then they can really think about it, and they may even think would they said was to harsh. Lets hope for that, at the very least.

    But keep ur head up and be proud, it will help you see this through, especially during this difficult time. Wish you luck.
    You cant change the way the wind blow's, but you can change the angle of your sail to take you somewhere else!!

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Your mom was thinking about what other people will think of HER...not you. Your friends accepted you for who you are. Tell her you are doing just fine among your circle of friends. She does not need to worry about you. Tell her they even encouraged you to come out to your parents.

    Yeah...leave your mom alone for a few months...for her to process her thoughts.

    CONGRATULATIONS to you man! It takes courage to come out. Your life will be better for living the authentic you.

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    It will get better in time for the most part but for now,your mother is making this about her and not you. As others have said,be sure to firm in that this wasn't a choice and lean on your friends and other family members who are supportive during this time.

  10. #10

    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    dormguy, Im going through the same shit. I agree it sucks. I wish that I had some advice to give you but I do not. I told my dad last week on monday and he still could not understand on friday. So my mom does not talk to me at all. So I feel alone and extremely hurt. the next problem is fathers day is sunday. dont even know if I should plan something or not. I was shocked my the reaction as well. but the silent treatment im receiving is hurtful and childish. all my dad could focus on was the actual act of anal sex, which i have not had anyway. the sordid details of what it means to have two men in a relationship is something that a hetero couple cant wrap there head around. my mom is one opionionated bitch sometimes and this just proves to me her true feelings. shes been treating my not like a son for years and only focus's on the fact that she has no grandchildren. Its as if they knew but could deal with it on some level as long as I didnt admit it. But, it was a constant suspicion and inuendo that I could not take anymore. Im getting too old to deal with this shit and just had to let the cat out of the bag, because the current situation sucked anyways. Sorry for the typos. Im just really pissed off and majorly depressed.

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    What you have told her shocked her. Many parents go through a mourning of sorts when they find out their child is gay. While she still has you, and you're still the same you, in her mind, she has lost the "straight you." She may be in denial now, but eventually she will get to acceptance. There's nothing you can do to make this go faster, or make it easier on her or yourself. Finding a PFLAG chapter for her is a great idea, but you can't make her go. Give her time, giver her space. She will eventually get there.

  12. #12

    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    I feel for you for this is close to how my parents reacted when I told my parents I was gay.

    My mom took it the worst and I didn't figure out why till a few years ago when my brother had kids. I think in her mind when I said, "I'm gay", she heard, "you're not going to be a grandmother." So if you are an only child in a way you did break your mother's heart and this is going to take some time to heal.

    For me and my mom for years things were somewhat frosty when the four of us (me my parents and my brother) got together. Dad didn't seen to care about me being gay; it wasn't an issue. It wasn't until a few years go when my brother quite rapidly got married then had kids (or as I say he took the bullet for me) that things got better. Though when he was dating his wife I was pretty much sidelined by both mom and dad. In spite of all that things are great now, but I'm still a little bitter. After watching my parent be grandparent I think I understand them a little better and if I knew then what I know now I would have come out to them a little differently.

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    I would agree with a few others here that you need to give Mom some time and space. She is only thinking of her own vision of you, not the reality of who you are. Her reaction seems unreasonable (and is unreasonable) because she's making this all about her, not you. She needs time to sort this out in her own mind. You have done what you needed to do for yourself. It is not your fault or problem that she had this reaction. You must also accept the possibility that she may never reconcile this in her own mind. If that is to be, then so be it. However, she is your mother and you are her son and nothing will ever change that. I believe that love endures all and that she will come around...in her own way. She is afraid....not heartbroken or disappointed...afraid of something she doesn't understand. Be as you have always been but give her time and space right now and be strong.

  14. #14
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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Similar thing happened to me. Told my mum and she told me the same thing like I am not gay, and I chose to be gay and etc.

    I think she's just worried what others might think of her rather than on you. If she said she's afraid of what others would think, you can tell her your friends are supportive and accepting like you said.

    Just give her time. Maybe don't approach the subject for awhile. Until you can stand up on your feet. It's going to be hard, but I think she'll come around if you're happier being gay than in the closet. I believe she just wants you to be happy.

    At least your dad still talks to you. So don't worry too much. They'll come around in time.

    All the best mate.

  15. #15
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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Same thing happened to me.
    It will suck very hard.
    If your parents are as rock-headed as mine are, your only chance is to move as soon as you can.
    You have my condolences.

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Dude I am so sorry to hear about how your parents took it. I know this sucks for you. If you need to vent or anything we are all here for you. I hope that things get better with your family. It would break my heart to hear that from my parents.

    I think that your mom needs a little space at the moment. She needs to cool down. When I came out to my parents they weren't upset or anything but it is a foreign concept to many people who haven't been exposed to homosexuality that much. When you can you need to talk to her and reassure her.

    I talked to my mom a few days after coming out and she said that she was kind of sad because she felt like shes going to miss out on a lot of stuff.

    She said that she had always wanted to have a Mother-Son dance at my Wedding, She wanted to see how my Kids would look, and some other stuff and she felt like she had lost all those things.

    I had told her that nothing really changes because of this. I had told her how I still intend to get married one day even if it is just a ceremony, and how I still will have a dance like that with her and the only difference is that I won't have a Bride. I also told her that I do still intend to have kids. And this might not pertain to you but I do intend on having at least one biological child somehow even if I can't get a surrogate and have to share custody of my child with their biological mother.

    That made her feel a lot better about the situation. My mother took it much better than yours did and she was open to talking about it.

    Try explaining everything to your mother make her know that it isn't a choice, you can't change it. Let her know that this isn't her fault there isn't anything you or her could have done to change this. And if she is just being self centered and closed minded call her out and tell her that this isn't about her. I wish you the best of luck and I sincerely hope that things get better for you.

  17. #17

    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Give your mom some time. She'll come around although it may take a long time. Go on with you life. Treat your parents as if nothing is wrong and things will normalize. She, they want you to be happy and perhaps fear that the world will reject and hurt you. She's bewildered and lashed out. Remember she's straight and can't put herself in your place. You're a brave man; things will be alright someday. Hang in for the long term. God bless.

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Acceptance takes time. THink about this. When you came out to yourself you probably had to reconcile the fact that the dreams you had for yourself ie. marrying a woman, being just like everybody else would all come crashing down because you've spent your life convincing yourself that you're not who you really are. Heterosexual parents have to reconcile the fact that their children won't fullfill their expectations, yes even liberal parents because let's face it (most heterosexual liberals only pay cheap lip service to ideas like "tolerance", they certainly don't hate us but at the end of the day they'd rather not be associated with us) so yes I know it seems selfish but parents help but feel that because you're their child, that you're an extension of them even when it comes to who you'll be spending your life with. So yes this will take a few months to even a few years to work out entirely. but look on the brightside, your parents didn't kick you out. They care about you and love and want the best for you, they just don't realize yet that what's best for you is up for you to decide.

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    My mom reacted the same way actually, almost word-for-word. That was 20 years ago.

    She is looking for your approval of her feelings. Don't grant it. She thinks you should at least have the decency to feel guilty for the way you "made" her feel.

    In my case, I made a very low key (not aggressive) but very decisive reply: she had only one choice, either be delighted, or be gone. I expected her to reconsider the unjust and hurtful things she said, and come to her senses. She did.
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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    I'm sorry to hear about your experience, but it's not altogether uncommon. I came out to my parents when I was 17; I'm 30 now and mom is still deluding herself into believing that I am merely just going through an experimental phase.

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    We are here for you if you need us. Most of the time,parents will come around but there is also a chance they won't. Talk to your friends and others about this for help during this time.

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    im sorry your mom reacted like that. my own mother wasnt quite as dramatic about it, but she also didnt react too well when i came out to her. and lets not forget your father, who may not be as difficult as your mother, but still isnt exactly supportive in this moment when you need him.

    if i were you, i would just give them some time and space. maybe a year. let your mom spew her poison, try to not take it too personally, as hard as that may be. try to be the grown-up in this situation. take comfort where you can find it, with your friends most likely. after some time, your parents will most likely calm down and eventually accept you. thats what happened with my mom. but it will take time, and they will most likely say many more hurtful things, and you have to take it and be patient. its not fair, because the parent is supposed to be supportive and patient with the child, not the other way around. but life isnt always fair.

    i really hope they will come around eventually, and im pretty certain they will, given their liberal background. once that happens, if you still feel raw about it, you can confront them and ask for an apology.

    good luck!

  23. #23

    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Once you convince them that it is not a choice, the opposition will fade away.

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    I read somewhere, might have been here, that the stages of coming out to our parents were like the stages we went through with our own sexuality. When I first realized I might like guys, I went through denial. I prayed that it would go away. I was upset when it didn't. Then eventually I came to grips with it and embrace it fully. I came out to my mother a few years ago and she reacted like your mother, from what I've read. I don't know if my mom still prays for me, but she is somewhat still in denial.

    At the same time, it is much better than it was when I initially came out. She cried a lot and we got into some very rough fights, both physical and verbal. She's better now, even in her frequent case of denial. Let your mom sink it all in. I've realized it'll be years if my mom ever does accept my homosexuality. I remember how I didn't wake up and accept myself, and sometimes our parents can't either.

    I'm sorry you're heartbroken over this. Get better and resume your life! Remind your mother that with or without her approval you're still gay. Best of luck

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    I'm so sorry that happened. Give her time.
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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Like others have said give it time. My dad was the opposite of your parents (VERY socially conservative) and he was mad at first, but is mostly ok with it now. So I'm sure your parents will come around in time.

  27. #27

    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Yeh, like what they said. Give it time, but be-careful around your father cause even the slightest look he regards wrong can cause him to become not okay with it again!

  28. #28

    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    I feel for you, and hope things will get better.
    I feel like you should find a good mix between being "firm" with your mum, and giving her some time.
    Personally, I've Always found the argument "it's a choice" best refuted by saying:
    "So, when did you decide to become straight?"
    Quite often, people realise that they never had to make that choice, and neither did we.

    Good luck!

  29. #29

    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    You can't force her to cope on your timeline, and it seems from your OP that you are certainly trying. You are on a beautiful, fulfilling, lifelong journey of accepting and loving yourself. You can only invite her along for the trip. You can't make her accept the invitation.

    Whatever you do, do not try to soothe her feelings by backing down. That will only support her theory that you are confused/ in a phase/ changeable, and the relationship will be terrible as she appoints herself your change agent.

    Above all, remember that life has given you a beautiful gift, and limited time on this earth
    Last edited by PjSmith; July 9th, 2013 at 05:58 AM.

  30. #30

    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    can you give us an update?

  31. #31

    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Well, you told them so the hard part is over. Just let time heal it. Some parents will never be accepting....until they see how happy you are in the end. Good luck!

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Thanks for all the support and advice guys. It's nice to know that I'm not totally alone in my experience.

    So it's been almost two months and things seem to be a little better, but not totally. Neither one of my parents have mentioned it. My dad has been the best and most loving person in this whole ordeal. My mom on the other hand...not so much.

    Even though she has not mentioned it, I know it's still on her mind and it still bothers her. She complains and criticizes me about everything I do and every decision I make. She has been very short tempered and snippy with me since then, and I know my coming out is the reason. I mean, what else could it be? For example:
    I got a new tattoo, and she went crazy saying that I'm going to regret them, it's ridiculous to spend money on something like that, she doesn't like it, etc.
    I also got my lip pierced and she saw it and completely flipped out for no reason saying basically the same things.
    I went to a party at a friends, and she criticized me for drinking, not coming home until the next morning, AND (here's the part that really bothered me) she said (and I'm just barely paraphrasing here) "YOU'RE CHANGING TOO MUCH AND TURNING INTO A DIFFERENT PERSON. AND I DON'T LIKE IT." Um...what the hell does that mean!?

    To put that in perspective: this is not my first tattoo, not my first piercing, not the first party I've been too. She knows this. And before I came out to her, she NEVER reacted the way she is reacting now. She has NEVER been this short with me and this critical of me for something as simple as a piercing. And she has never been this unable to let things go. I'm just putting two and two together here and assuming that it's because she knows I'm gay. But why?? I do not understand what the big deal is...is that naive of me? Any similar experiences from you guys?



    So obviously, it has been two months and if my mom hasn't gotten over it now...I doubt she ever will. Do you guys agree? Or will it just take even more time than I think? But here's the thing: that really doesn't bother me anymore. I have always been closer to my dad anyway and I do love my mom, but literally every day that has passed since I came out, I have cared less and less about what she thinks and I've cared more about doing what I wanna do and what is right for me, despite her objections.

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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Quote Originally Posted by dormguy View Post
    Thanks for all the support and advice guys. It's nice to know that I'm not totally alone in my experience.

    So it's been almost two months and things seem to be a little better, but not totally. Neither one of my parents have mentioned it. My dad has been the best and most loving person in this whole ordeal. My mom on the other hand...not so much.

    Even though she has not mentioned it, I know it's still on her mind and it still bothers her. She complains and criticizes me about everything I do and every decision I make. She has been very short tempered and snippy with me since then, and I know my coming out is the reason. I mean, what else could it be? For example:
    I got a new tattoo, and she went crazy saying that I'm going to regret them, it's ridiculous to spend money on something like that, she doesn't like it, etc.
    I also got my lip pierced and she saw it and completely flipped out for no reason saying basically the same things.
    I went to a party at a friends, and she criticized me for drinking, not coming home until the next morning, AND (here's the part that really bothered me) she said (and I'm just barely paraphrasing here) "YOU'RE CHANGING TOO MUCH AND TURNING INTO A DIFFERENT PERSON. AND I DON'T LIKE IT." Um...what the hell does that mean!?

    To put that in perspective: this is not my first tattoo, not my first piercing, not the first party I've been too. She knows this. And before I came out to her, she NEVER reacted the way she is reacting now. She has NEVER been this short with me and this critical of me for something as simple as a piercing. And she has never been this unable to let things go. I'm just putting two and two together here and assuming that it's because she knows I'm gay. But why?? I do not understand what the big deal is...is that naive of me? Any similar experiences from you guys?



    So obviously, it has been two months and if my mom hasn't gotten over it now...I doubt she ever will. Do you guys agree? Or will it just take even more time than I think? But here's the thing: that really doesn't bother me anymore. I have always been closer to my dad anyway and I do love my mom, but literally every day that has passed since I came out, I have cared less and less about what she thinks and I've cared more about doing what I wanna do and what is right for me, despite her objections.
    And that's the way you should go about it, buddy. You told her who you are, and if she can't accept it, what else can you do?? Maybe she will come around (hopefully), maybe she won't. But you can hold your head up high and know that you have nothing to hide and you are who you are, and you're proud of it.

    I am glad to read that things have at least been a little better overall. Maybe give it some more time and the trend will gradually continue.

  34. #34
    Virgin Darreyl102's Avatar
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    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Keep Strong. It will get better, it will just take some time. It seems that your dad is a little more accepting of it. it might help to have him talk to you mother. I remember when I came out to my parents, my mother completely accepted it and said she already knew while my father ignored it. it was only after I had my mother talk to him that he finally came around.

  35. #35

    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Personnaly, I also think your mom is a bit "scared", that you are really going to "change".
    She (and lots of other people, myself included) hae a lot of prejudiced views on who/how gay people are...
    She just has a very bad way of expressing it. I'm not saying you should bother too much about how she acts, but it still could be worth it to talk to her. Just teling her that the "changing" is ridiculous, and that you want her support.
    Far too many things/feelings/expectations (especially in families) are left unspoken and hanging in the air.
    Good luck and all the best!

  36. #36

    Re: Came out to parents yesterday and am now rejected. Terrible experience. What do I do now?

    Quote Originally Posted by dormguy View Post
    So obviously, it has been two months and if my mom hasn't gotten over it now...I doubt she ever will. Do you guys agree? Or will it just take even more time than I think? But here's the thing: that really doesn't bother me anymore. I have always been closer to my dad anyway and I do love my mom, but literally every day that has passed since I came out, I have cared less and less about what she thinks and I've cared more about doing what I wanna do and what is right for me, despite her objections.
    I'd would just say to her the following: I obviously mistook you for a mother whose main concern is the happiness of her child. I understand now that you are selfish and only concerned about yourself and how people will perceive you. But if you think I'm going to stick around and take your continued abuse, think again.

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