I think this is the relevant subforum to post it on. (most of it being why I am so reluctant to be in a relationship/ come out), feel free to move it!
Hey everyone. I have had a shockingly bad self-esteem for a long time. I have always been 'fat', but I lost 20 kilos when i was 15, put that plus more on over the years cos of being lazy and most of my hobbies involved being inside, and the stress of my finals saw me at my peak. I was pretty big.
I have lost another 20kgs now and know I am gonna stay this way. It has been a more or less overhaul of my lifestyle. I have a lot more confidence than I HAD, but I still feel like my self-esteem is flat out crap.
First of all, I contribute most of it to my man boobs. Most of my weight is stored in my torso. I feel like that 20kg I have lost has gone from everywhere but my torso. I was going through before photos when I was big. I can see a huge difference in my leg size and face shape, and a slight difference in my torso and arms. This kinda made me feel like shit. 20kgs down and I feel like I look like I have lost 5.
I think I have gynecomastia (the man boobs you wont lose no matter how thin you get). I am not thin now, but it feels like I have the boobs of a woman, and love handles. I am always conscious of them and always wear jackets and stuff to cover it up. I also have huge areolas (the part around the nipples). I am not sure if that will go when I lose more weight but that is just such a confidence killer. To the point I dont want to take my top off. Even my closest friends havent seen me shirtless.
Just when you though it wasnt bad enough, I get to suffer from acne on my back. No matter what I do it refuses to go away. It isnt that bad, but it is certainly scarred up and sure as hell unappealing.
Lately I have been becoming alot more confident in my sexuality, and am really wanting that feeling of having someone to love and spend time with, but on the flip side I feel like even if the situation arose, I would sabotage myself due to my horrible self-esteem. I do not want to 'come out' until I actually have someone I am going out with, so that pretty much leads to me being deeply closeted for a while to come.
I probably will result to surgery on my man boobs (after I get thin and theyre still there.. preparing for the inevitable), and then the only thing someone will have to be grossed out by is the acne scars on my back.
Well.. there you have it.
All that results in my shit self-esteem. Even reading through this, I think it is pretty bad how I talk about myself but this just guts me. Does anyone else have problems like this? How did you overcome your self-esteem problems. How did they hold you back and how were you able to live your life after overcoming them. Thanks, and sorry if I just look like an idiot venting on a forum.
Typing this out, I realise that the way I will overcome this is to get chest surgery and keep up my healthy lifestyle.