The year is 2021. A former stripper, recently appointed Governor General by Prime Minister Ford, prepares to deliver the Speech from the Throne. As is custom, the GG and PM share the floor of the Senate. Breaking with convention, the GG is seated on the PM’s lap.
Governor General Busty McKnockers:
Honourable senators, members of the House, esteemed waitresses from the Hooters out near the airport, a monkey for some reason, ladies and gentlemen:
We gather to open the second session of the 43rd Parliament. Today, our country stands as a model for the world—admired for our freedom, respected for our values, renowned for a subway line that extends from Scarborough to Winnipeg, providing high-density transit to the scattered hermits of various remote locations.
Your Prime Minister has travelled this land. He has met with ordinary people. He has heard their concerns. And he has returned with a list of women who have “nice cans.” At his insistence, I will read from that list:
* Amber, a blackjack dealer in Saskatoon.
* Shannon. Possibly from Guelph, but it’s a little hazy.
* One chick he saw from his limo. She was eating an ice cream cone, if that helps.
* I can’t make this one out, because it’s written on the back of a hash-brown wrapper, but I think it says . . . Donna D.D.?
Your majesticness, that’s double-D Donna. Because, you know . . . [He makes the ample-bosom gesture]
. That means her boobs were big.
Nous sommes 35 millions de personnes provenant—
Hang on, what is that—Polish? Klingon? You’re doing it wrong, your highnessnence. Lemme finish up, OK?
Senators and whoever: I’m tired of all the bellyaching, OK? You’re a bunch of whiners. You whined when I turned Stornoway into my man cave. You whined when I appointed my brother Doug to the Supreme Court—which, in my defence, I thought was a basketball-themed restaurant. You whined when I didn’t know Prince Edward Island was a real thing. As if anyone does.
The opposition is always asking me stupid questions in the House like, “Did you know they don’t allow Zubaz in here?” and “Why has every single one of your state visits as PM been to Jamaica?” Like we can afford to just ignore the world’s 122nd-largest economy!