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  1. #1

    To add him to Gmail or not

    Okay, bear with me.

    When I was 13 or 14, I experimented a lot with this one friend who lived a block from my house. We took each other's virginities and we basically had sex every day after school from 7th to 8th grade.

    We never talked about whether or not we were gay/bi/or straight, but it should have been pretty apparent to him that I was attracted to boys (I'm bi), especially him. We never talked about our feelings to each other and he often talked about girls he was attracted to. However, even though he never admitted it, I think he was also bi and had some attraction and feelings for me.

    After 8th grade, my family moved away and I transferred schools so I haven't seen him since.

    When college came around, I looked him up on Facebook and he had an account, but we didn't add each other and I think he has since closed his Facebook account down and I can't find him anymore.

    Being that I lost my virginity to him and he was my first sexual experience, I've always wanted to reconnect with him.

    Well, about a year ago, I found out that he is currently pursuing a PhD at my college where I went to undergrad and where I am currently a graduate student by doing a Google search on his name. I haven't run into him yet, but I found a college webpage giving a profile about his work at my university. It also included his Gmail.

    Now, what I have been tempted to do for a year is to add him to my Gmail, but I just can't get around to doing it. Thoughts that often run through my head are: What if he thinks I'm a stalker (which I guess I am. haha)? What if he has a girlfriend now?

    Have any of you been in a similar circumstance? I know that some of your suggestions will just be for me to take the risk and contact him, but I don't want to come off as a creepy stalker (even though I am). I also don't want to intrude on his life if he has a girlfriend now.

    Also, I'm sure there have been times he has searched for me on Facebook or Google. Why hasn't he reached out to me? Is he also feeling shy about talking to me? Or is he just not interested anymore?

    I don't know what to do...

  2. #2
    Do I dare to eat a peach?
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    Re: To add him to Gmail or not

    I would leave well enough alone.

    The most I would do is drop him a note letting him know you're on the same campus. You could add you saw him somewhere and looked him up.

  3. #3

    Re: To add him to Gmail or not

    I don't think there is anything wrong with you sending him a note stating that you saw his profile on the college web page and just wanted to say hey and wish him well. You can also mention that you go to the same university and what you are up to. Letting him know where you saw his gmail will not make it seem like you are stalking him. If he wants to reply, he'll have your email. If he doesn't reply...leave it be and enjoy your memories.

    If on the off chance you do reconnect, I wouldn't bring up any of the past childhood fun times unless he hints at it, and also I wouldn't assume that you both will get together and relive them either...




    and...don't stalk him!
    Bad decisions make good stories.

  4. #4
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    Re: To add him to Gmail or not

    Hey cylee, welcome to JUB. I'm sorry to say I don't think I'm the right person to answer this. I'd like to learn from it though, so please keep us posted.

    Eric

  5. #5
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: To add him to Gmail or not

    Take the above advice and casually contact him with no expectations.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  6. #6

    Re: To add him to Gmail or not

    Thanks guys.

    I hope none of you think I'm some overly-obsessed and overly-attached ex-boyfriend type after reading my post. I don't "stalk" him every day. The thought of him sometimes pops into my head just like any other person would and I look him up every now and then.

    In any case, could any of you recommend how I should write my email to him without coming off as desperate and creepy?

    Also, if he does want to reconnect, how should I approach our meeting? jaysizzles said not to bring up anything from our past, but that's sorta the main reason we remember each other.

    I've never had trouble talking with guys or girls or even old exes, but this circumstance just makes me so damn nervous.

  7. #7
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    Re: To add him to Gmail or not

    hi cylee89,

    Towards my opinion, there is also no big deal to send him an e-mail that you have found out that both of you are on the same college. Maybe just some sort of 'hi' message, and with some information about yourself and about him (present situation, likely about your study). Up to him if he reacts.

    In case he wants to reconnect, I tend to think you should focus on the present. I mean, he must be able to tell alot about his current PhD project, and you can also tell all kind of things about your daily activities. And go with the flow, and see how things are developing.

    Good luck and take care.
    I am Dutch, so please excuse me for my low level of English.

  8. #8

    Re: To add him to Gmail or not

    I'd just keep it short and sweet. Like I mentioned earlier, let him know that you saw his pic and email and that you figured you write to say hello and to catch up. Tell him briefly what you've been up to in the past few years, including that you are now going to school there too, and what you're studying. Then say something about if he wants to get in touch, to drop you an email...or give him your cell phone #.

    The reason I don't think it's wise to bring up your sexual past is because you don't know him any longer, nor how he feels about your past. Maybe he thinks back fondly about it, maybe he regrets it and doesn't want to be reminded of it. He may be more receptive to contacting you if he doesn't get the sense that you want to get it on with him again...instead that you're just an old bud that wants to catch up. Idk, and neither do you. For all you know, he's living a straight life now, in a relationship with a girl or guy, married, etc. Plus, you don't want to put any of your sexual past in writing to him because you don't know who else may have access to his email. Find out who he is now, if he replies, then once you know, maybe you can talk/relive old times. And remember...stay realistic and have no expectations.
    Bad decisions make good stories.

  9. #9
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    Re: To add him to Gmail or not

    Hey Cylee89, I really know where you are coming from. I had a boyfriend in high school and we eventually lost touch. To make a long story short after he went away to college I did what all my friends were doing and dated girls eventually moved in with a women and had kids, We broke up when I was 38 and I came out of the closet and now live as a gay man. Now getting back on topic lol, there is nothing more that I would like to do then contact David my old boyfriend, but for the life of me I cannot remember his last name so I cannot look him up.

    You have found your old friend so I would definitely say drop him a line, what do you have to loose? The worst thing that could happen is he does not answer, and even if his answer is negative, you say you have been going to the same university for a year and have yet to bump into him so what are the chances that you will bump into him? I would just send him an e-mail saying hey remember me, going to the same Uni as you and thought it would be great to see you. Do not let fear scare you away from possibly re-connecting with an old friend
    Never be afraid to try something new, remember, amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic.

  10. #10

    Re: To add him to Gmail or not

    I think you should contact him... but I agree with the others that I wouldn't bring up the sexual past unless he does.

    I also wouldn't assume that he thinks back on the experiences as fondly as you do.
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