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  1. #1

    In love with a friend who you were previously seeing.

    So long story short I am still in love with a guy I was seeing who wants to remain "just friends".

    I made a post about this situation before:So a few months[October,2012] ago I met a guy on adam4adam of all places and we started dating. It's been almost three months that we've been seeing each other. Keep in mind this is the first guy I've been on a more than one date with in 4 years time. So he's here in NYC where we both live after completing medical school in Syria in order to obtain residency. Which basically means he's trying to get hired by a hospital, not only to move on with his career but to also stay in this country. His visa expires in February and he's now applied for an extension until July because he really hasn't been getting that many interviews(even though there were some which he hasn't heard back from). Btw, we're both about the same age, i'm 24 1/2 and he just turned 25. I'm a an Eastern European Jewish guy who moved here when I was 3, and he's an Arab Muslim. While we don't have a ton in common, we still enjoy each other's presence. The one thing I don't like about him is that he doesn't drink because of religious reasons and refuses to even go out to dance because he's a little uncomfortable being in places where people drink, so our dates have largely consisted of going out to dinner, walks and going out for coffee, followed by fooling around in my backseat.
    After date #2 he asks me whether I'm still sleeping with anyone else and tells me that he could never be with anyone sexually that he didn't get to know first and that he couldn't only be with one person. Of course I responded with "no, not sleeping with anyone". After date #3 I started to question if I want to continue seeing him because I realized that we honestly didn't have much to talk about, even though I know a lot about his culture. Furthermore I started to wonder whether or not I was really all that physically attracted to him. Regardless I kept seeing him and things got better. Around date #6 I asked him what he thought about us and he said that he didn't want to label our relationship as a relationship in the event that he moves so that my feelings aren't hurt. However he did say that he enjoyed being with me and saw us as friends with benefits who also have feelings for each other(if such a thing exists, who knows lol).
    So keep in mind, since date #2 I haven't slept with anyone but did increasingly become attracted to other people as I began losing interested around date #4. But since then I did sleep with 2 guys without telling him. The problem is that this has racked me with quite a bit of guilt, especially since I genuinely feel emotionally attracted to him and would like to be in a relationship with him if he ends up being hired at a hospital here in NYC. However I am not entirely sexually satisfied. While I'm not really all that into anal, he's a total top and I'm completely vers and he won't even give me head unless I ask him too, and it's nothing special. And honestly that's the one thing that I love most sexually, which is probably the reason I wanna sleep with other people. To make things worse: I really haven't enjoyed it other people, especially if they try to kiss me. I feel like that intimacy is something I can only reserve for him but at the same time, I feel like I can't stop myself when the opportunity to have sex with other guys arises, partly because he's relegated what I thought was something that was going to be a relationship into a "romantic friendship" of sorts.

    So fast forward to late February of this year. He wasn't didn't get hired as a resident and was applying for a visa extension for the next few months. We were barely seeing each other because he had an equivalency exam to take for his career(we only saw each other twice in the two months since I made my original post in December) . I began to think about all the ways in which I wasn't happy with our situation. We never did anything besides what we did on our usual dates and I began to realize that the reason I was putting up with this boredom was because of the sex and intimacy at the end of the night. I also began to feel like I was being taken advantage of: I did most of the planning, I payed for transportation(never charged him for gas), I always covered tip, I always research transportation routes to and from his interviews accross the country.

    So in early February I evaluated our "romantic friendship" I gave him the ultimatum that we can either be fuckbuds(meaning a guy a call up when I'm horny) or just friends who actually do fun things like actual night life. I told him that this grey area between boring friendship and love affair was no longer working for me. And a few hours later I decided that I would have to cut him out of my life altogether because I fell for him and it would kill me for this to end if he had to move: so that's what I did. However he felt that we should remain just friends(even though as he said: he was honest with me about the fact that he may move for work). Two weeks later in late February/early March I took him up on his "just friends" offer and we hung out twice(at this point I found out that his visa was extended until July) and I soon realized how much "just friends" with him was difficult without the sex involved. It was still really boring: we hung out at cafe's, watched movies, went out for dessert(the usual stuff we had already done before). We were supposed to hang out in mid March but he canceled on me and disappeared until late April.

    By late April I had decided that he was boring me all around and I proceeded to delete him from my phone. Anyhow he ended up calling me asking me to do him a favor. He told me that he decided to apply as a political refugee as well as a gay refugee in order to obtain asylum in the US. He wanted me to write a notarized affidavit about our relationship in order to back up his claim that he is indeed gay. So did it soley because of generally altruistic nature. He had recently changed his a4a pics and I thought "wow he's still so hot." So I told him "to be honest I wouldn't mind sleeping with you again." He was hesitant at first but he agreed and the next day we had sex. During the experience I felt entirely emotionally disconnected: it was all about animalist heat(I bottomed for him for the first time that day). Afterwards I felt okay but during the three weeks that followed I began to have romantic feelings for him. I was under the impression that deep down he still felt something for me as well: he kissed me like it was the first time we laid our lips on each other. It didn't feel like just a hookup.

    Fast forward to the end of our last hangout yesterday. I ask him about his general thoughts on the sex that we had to which he responded: "to be honest I'd like to remain friends without the sex, is that okay?" To which I respond: "yes that's okay I guess." To which he responds by grabbing and holding my hand for the rest of the drive to his place and says "but we can still be like this." At this point in time I'm practically ready to cry. He says "but it's not okay, right?" and I'm like "no it's not, because it's more than just sex." Finally we get to his place, we hug each other goodbye and call it a night.

    My head says that in order to get over him and accept this situation: I need to stop physically seeing him altogether or otherwise. But deep down I pray that he gets his asylum granted and finds residency at a hospital here in NYC and that then he will be ready to be with me(since where he'll be employed won't be a concern).

    What do you guys think I should do?

  2. #2
    🌈❤️ June26, 2015 ❤️🌈 JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: In love with a friend who you were previously seeing.

    There seems to be to many "ifs" in your hope of a relationship. He has to change his mind. He has to get approval to stay in the US and you're counting on acceptance in a residency program in NYC.

    He probably can use all the friends he can get during this time of uncertainty. I think you ought to let this time be more about him. He's in no place to begin a relationship.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  3. #3

    Re: In love with a friend who you were previously seeing.

    You know you're right. If he indeed is able to stay here, it's up to him to step up if he's ready to be with me. At the same time there may very well be a good chance that he will have to move because his career is his biggest priority right now.

    I guess the best thing to do is indeed to keep things "strictly platonic" and if he is indeed "the one" a few months apart won't change anything.

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