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  1. #1
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    Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    So, I typed up this letter by which I'm going to come out to my mom with. Back home where she lives, and where I live (Far North Dallas) are about 80 miles apart, so I only get to see her maybe once every two months. But with my foot surgery pending, it served as a wake-up call that I need to get this done NOW, so that I can move my life forward. I would like your thoughts on what I wrote, please. I have this saved to a Microsoft Word doc, so I can easily go back and edit this if I need to.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Hi! I hope this letter finds you doing well.

    There is something that I need to tell you, so that I may unburden myself before I go through with this foot surgery.

    There comes a time point in all of our lives when we suddenly feel that our attention has been gotten, and that there are matters to be addressed before moving forward. For me, this is one of those times.

    I thought it best to tell you this in letter form, so that I could say completely what I need to say to you.

    You know that I moved to Dallas – it’ll be two years in July – seeking a better life for myself. Through a solid work ethic, and hanging in there, I have indeed found that better life. I have also spent the last two years healing from the old wounds of the moderate and distant past. It has been a long, and often grueling road, with often 19-22 hour workdays, consecutively. But I know I’m getting where I want and need to go.

    While I have worked hard to get where I’m at – in college, and holding down two jobs, I think it’s time for me to work and push just as hard in a different direction of my life – me. For as long as I can remember, I have been governed by fear, and shame, and in an embarrassment of other people’s opinion of me, and a lack of self-worth, and self-respect as a result. I have also lived alone – not even close acquaintances outside of work. I have now come to the conclusion that my being alone in life is costing me too high a price for me to pay – my happiness. And frankly, it is also putting my future success at risk, also. It is fundamentally unhealthy to my continued life in this world.

    I think that here, at age 30, it is time for me to seek a personal and, frankly, adult relationship of my very own, with the person of my choosing, whom I decide. While I know that we, as family, couldn’t do any better living in a small town with no financial way out throughout most of my 20s, now that I am in the city, with so much opportunity for advancement in every aspect of my life literally at my fingertips, I feel that I now have a responsibility, indeed a mandate to salvage what youth I have left, to take on an intimate partner of my choosing, and enjoy my life. I indeed fully intend to start searching for a gentleman of quality to be by my side through life. You and I never discussed this at length, as a parent and child should during my teenage years (in fact, you were quite silent on the matter), so I need to unburden myself by discussing this with you now.

    Furthermore, I feel that I have allowed fear and an internal shame inside myself toward myself govern and control my perception of everyone and everything. This must not continue. And it will not. I must and do accept myself as-is. Regardless of anyone else’s say on the matter. "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr. Seuss. It is time for me to be who I am.

    I choose to not just exist on this planet, but to truly live.
    I choose progress, and not stagnation.
    I choose happiness, and not anguish.
    I choose pride, and not shame.
    I choose to walk in power, and not in fear. Not anymore.
    As the vow on the inside of my ring is inscribed, “I Choose To Fight”.

    Please know that I am well. And safe. And happy. And I am going to have this surgery on my foot. And I’m going to be OK.

    You are welcome to contact me at anytime. You have my cell phone number. I’d like to know your thoughts.

    Hug the dog for me.
    -Joe.

  2. #2
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    "You are welcome to contact me at any time. You have my cell phone number" sounds like a business letter.

    "(in fact you were quite silent on the matter)" sounds like you're trying to make her feel guilty.

  3. #3
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    ^ Deleted, both of them. Thanks for the input!

  4. #4

    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    "Love, Joe" might be more... intimate.

    You kind of hinted that she does already know - it's just not talked about?
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  5. #5
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Let her know when you realized you were gay and let her know some of your struggles being in the closet.

    You do a good job when talking about fear and shame.

    If you love her let her know it.

    Best wishes to you with this and with your surgery. I hope both go well.

    I'm glad you revised that parts already mentioned above.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  6. #6
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Quote Originally Posted by borg69unimatrix View Post
    "Love, Joe" might be more... intimate.

    You kind of hinted that she does already know - it's just not talked about?
    In my house, "I Love You" was actually never said, from one person to the next. Very telling, I know, but we just never actually said that to each other. In my family, we're all civil enough, and friendly with each other. But very close is one thing we aren't.

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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Good luck! If I may ask, how's your relationship with your mom?

  8. #8
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    ^ Meh, the post above yours pretty well covers the territory. Civil, amicable, but, not close. Kinda like strangers in the same apartment complex.

  9. #9

    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Quote Originally Posted by jdcnow View Post
    In my house, "I Love You" was actually never said, from one person to the next. Very telling, I know, but we just never actually said that to each other. In my family, we're all civil enough, and friendly with each other. But very close is one thing we aren't.
    All the more reason to say it now. Don't you think?

    You're taking control of your life, and bettering it. I assume someday when you have a BF you intend to tell him you love him? Also, wouldn't mending your relationship with your mom better your life? What if something happened to you? Do you really want to go through life having never telling her you loved her?

    Ok... I'll butt out now.
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  10. #10
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    ^ Are you sure you're Borg and not Betazoid?



    Just kidding.

    Oh, all right, you might have a point. Stubbornness clearly runs in my family, doncha know.

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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Quote Originally Posted by jdcnow View Post
    ^ Meh, the post above yours pretty well covers the territory. Civil, amicable, but, not close. Kinda like strangers in the same apartment complex.
    Sorry to hear. Best of luck

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by jdcnow View Post
    ^ Are you sure you're Borg and not Betazoid?



    Just kidding.

    Oh, all right, you might have a point. Stubbornness clearly runs in my family, doncha know.
    I miss Star Trek

  12. #12

    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    LOL

    Assimilate 10,000 species, and you pick up a few things along the way.
    One doesn't have to be Betazoid to see the 'obvious'. You're compartmentalizing things that should all be inner mixed. A leads to B leads to C leads to D. Throw in some Trek Techno-babble, and it eventually leads back to A again.

    ... and I could teach you some things about being stubborn too.

    Resistance IS futile... after all. Isn't it?
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  13. #13
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Quote Originally Posted by borg69unimatrix View Post
    You kind of hinted that she does already know - it's just not talked about?
    I think she does. But I honestly believe that down through the years, she's viewed me as somewhat of an embarrassment. I, in fact, remember a ride to a nearby town with her, back when I lived at home. This would have been...roughly 2004, in my early 20s. She told me of a conversation she'd had with another woman from her church where she had talked about me specifically, and flatly said that she thought I'd never amount to anything. Yeah. Told me this to my face.

    And now to address another concern...

    You and I never discussed this at length, as a parent and child should during my teenage years (in fact, you were quite silent on the matter), so I need to unburden myself by discussing this with you now.
    Quote Originally Posted by palbert View Post
    "(in fact you were quite silent on the matter)" sounds like you're trying to make her feel guilty.
    Honestly, looking back, I believe my parents' most complete and glaring failure in raising me was that they were completely and totally stone-cold silent on the subject of sex and relationships. For all intents and purposes, that whole subject didn't exist, and was never to be discussed amongst "decent people" (emphasis mine). What I learned about the subject, I learned through books I'd checkout in middle and high school, and when I turned old enough at 19, I snuck off to a porn shop out on a countryside interstate (and would, down through the years, spend quite a bit of money in there ). The parenthetical statement Palbert quoted was kind of my way of...holding them accountable kind of. I believe that not teaching me about sex and making me feel uncomfortable about bringing the subject up with them was a huge, huge absolute disservice. I was basically left to my own devices to figure out for myself on of the most important matters which a parent can, and frankly, should guide their child.

  14. #14
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    i think its beautifully written.
    one thing i like in particular is how you dont bring up the "i didnt choose this!" argument, and instead focus on what you do choose.

    you could consider clarifying a little more that you being gay in not a recent development, but something that has been there all along. the only thing thats changed is how you deal with it. me, i have "gay memories" going back to very early childhood. i think saying that sometimes helps straight people grasp the "depth" of the issue.

    depending on your mother and on your relationship with her, you could assure her that yes, you do know about HIV and other STD's and she doesnt need to worry.

    i would include some resources for her, like p-flag or whatever is most appropriate. maybe there is something faith-based, if your mother is religious?

    just randon things to think about. i think its beautifully written as it is. good luck!

  15. #15
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Hey, you know your mother, and yourself, better than any of us. If you think she'll respond best to this letter, or this type of letter, then that's the one you should send.

    But having been asked for my opinion...

    If the entire point of the letter is to tell your mother that you're gay, it sure takes a long time to get there. And then it's sort of danced around before ending in some positive affirmations. Again, maybe that's how you communicate with your mother. I know a friend of mine always seems to have to hint at things rather than saying them out loud, because "that's how we operate". And if that's how you operate, I'm the last person to suggest you shouldn't.

    But my letter would probably run more like:

    Hey Mom. Hope everything's good on your end.

    Outside of the foot surgery, everything's going great over here. Ever since the move a couple of years ago, I've been making some great steps forward. Work's going good, school is good. My next hurdle will probably be a more personal one - I'm ready to start dating. I honestly don't know much about the gay dating scene here in Dallas, but I'm hoping to find out within the next few months.

    I know we never really discussed me being gay, just because dating and all that was never something we ever discussed in our family. But in case you didn't know: yes I'm gay, yes I'm sure, and yes I'm cool with it.

    Hope to talk to you again soon!


    Of course, not as florid and as pleasant on the eye as yours. But it does get the point across more directly.

    Lex

  16. #16
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    ^ Thank you very much for that!

  17. #17
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Quote Originally Posted by borg69unimatrix View Post
    One doesn't have to be Betazoid to see the 'obvious'. You're compartmentalizing things that should all be inner mixed. A leads to B leads to C leads to D.
    Compartmentalizing? How so? /puzzled...

  18. #18

    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    "Bettering" your life should be all aspects... including your relationship with your mom. (IMO).

    ...or at least I think that was my frame of mind when I originally wrote that. I just found it odd you would come out to your mom and claim to want a 'real' loving relationship, while totally avoiding having or fixing one with her.

    It seemed kinda, "school is great, job is great, New gay life is great... screw you".

    Maybe I misunderstood, or read way too much into it.
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  19. #19
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    ^


    Ah, makes sense, now. Thanks!

  20. #20
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    You didn't say you are a homosexual in that letter.
    Your coming out letter is not clear at all.


    NEVER LISTEN TO A ONE SIDED STORY AND JUDGE.

  21. #21
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    OK, this is pretty much what I believe to be the final copy...

    Hi, Mom.

    I love you, and I hope this letter finds you doing well.

    There is something that I need to tell you, so that I may unburden myself before I go through with this foot surgery.

    There comes a time point in all of our lives when we suddenly feel that our attention has been gotten, and that there are matters to be addressed before moving forward. For me, this is one of those times.

    I thought it best to tell you this in letter form, so that I could say completely what I need to say to you.

    You know that I moved to Dallas – it’ll be two years in July – seeking a better life for myself. Through a solid work ethic, and hanging in there, I have indeed found that better life. I have also spent the last two years healing from the old wounds and the old damage of the moderate and distant past. It has been a long, and often grueling road, with often 19-22 hour workdays, consecutively. But I know I’m getting where I want and need to go.

    While I have worked hard to get where I’m at – in college, and holding down two jobs, I think it’s time for me to work and push just as hard in a different direction of my life – me. For as long as I can remember, I have been governed by fear, and shame, and in an embarrassment of other people’s opinion of me, and a lack of self-worth, and self-respect as a result. I have also lived alone – not even close acquaintances outside of work, just like you have. I have now come to the conclusion that my being alone in life is costing me too high a price for me to pay – my happiness. And frankly, it is also putting my future success and everything I’m working so hard for at risk, also. It is fundamentally unhealthy to my continued life in this world.

    I think that here, at age 30, it is time for me to seek a personal and, frankly, adult relationship of my very own, with the person of my choosing, whom I decide. While I know that we, as family, couldn’t do any better living in a small town with no financial way out throughout most of my 20s; now that I am in the city, with so much opportunity for advancement in every aspect of my life literally at my fingertips, I feel that I now have a responsibility, indeed a mandate to salvage what youth I have left, and to take on an intimate partner of my choosing, and enjoy my life. I fully intend to start searching for a man of quality to have a relationship with, and to share my life with. And not if, but when it becomes legal for us to marry, I intend to do just that. This is one of the main things I want for myself, in addition to the professional dream of weather forecasting that I am working so hard toward.

    Furthermore, I feel that I have allowed fear and an internal shame inside myself toward myself govern and control my perception of everyone and everything. This must not continue. And it will not. I must and do accept myself as-is. Regardless of anyone else thinks or says. "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr. Seuss. It is time for me to be who I am.

    I choose to not just exist on this planet, but to truly live.
    I choose progress, and not stagnation.
    I choose happiness, and not anguish.
    I choose pride, and not shame.
    I choose to walk in power, and not in fear. Not anymore.
    As the vow on the inside of my ring is inscribed, “I Choose To Fight”.

    Please know that I am well. And safe. And happy. And I am going to have this surgery on my foot. And I’m going to be just fine.

    I’d like to know your thoughts.

    Hug the dog for me. I love you all.
    -Joe.

  22. #22

    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    THAT sounds AWESOME. Good luck!!! Let us know how it turns out!!!
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  23. #23
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Go with it. Too much overthinking is counterproductive.

    Like it by the way.

    Good luck next Thursday.

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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Can you share the reaction to the letter?

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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Quote Originally Posted by palbert View Post
    Can you share the reaction to the letter?
    I'm anticipating a negative reaction to the letter. As such, I think it wise to let my mom contact me when she wants to, and not the other way around. I will call her before my surgery and tell her I love her, though.

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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Have you sent the letter, and when is your surgery. By the way good luck. A bit cryptic in the first draft, but I understood the second draft better.

  27. #27
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    The letter is out in the mail. I've told my mom this letter is coming, for her to just read it, and if she wants to talk about it, to call me.

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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Quote Originally Posted by jdcnow View Post
    The letter is out in the mail. I've told my mom this letter is coming, for her to just read it, and if she wants to talk about it, to call me.
    Good luck then, make sure to let us know how it goes.

  29. #29

    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    I was late reading your letter, but I will make my comments anyway. Much of the frustration which parents feel over gay children stems from the mistaken belief that the child has chosen to be gay. Their inevitable reaction is negative. Your letter, it seems to me, by reciting what you have chosen, will serve to convince her that you have chosen to be gay, frustrating her hopes for grandchildren etc. The next time you get a chance, I think you should emphasize that you did not choose to be gay, and cannot choose to be straight; that no one knows why some people are born gay, but it was not the fault of the parents.

  30. #30
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    ^ Thanks for writing. My mom actually really doesn't want anymore grandkids - in her words, she's "too old to keep 'em!" I'm kinda mixed on having kids at all myself, but I know it won't be anytime soon. So on that point, we're actually good.

    I think she ***kinda*** already knows. Down through the years, she's noticed (and cheap-shotly criticized) certain things about me. Like I said, I'm anticipating a negative reaction/the cold shoulder from her on this, when she reads it. /shrugs...

    With this letter, I put the ball in her court - If she would like to continue to have me as her son, she's more than welcome to it. But if not, the part I added at the 11th hour right before I printed it, immediately before the Dr. Seuss quote makes it plain and clear... “This surgery has wised me up to the fact that I am entirely too young at age 30 to already have deep regrets about not enjoying my life. No more. Just no more.”

    And I meant every word of that. Period.

    I've never had a partner (boyfriend or girlfriend) of any kind. Ever.
    I've been repeatedly told down through the years that if anyone ever got to know me in person, they'd hate me.
    I've never even left my house/apartment if it wasn't for work or shopping before or some necessity before.

    Bottom Line >> This surgery has awakened me to the fact that I don't want to die alone - which is exactly where I was headed. This surgery has awakened me to the fact that I don't want to die not having done anything and not having really enjoyed my life ever - which is exactly where I was headed.

    I know that I come from a small town and an economically/financially poor background, where I couldn't really do any better until an opportunity to move away presented itself. But now that it has, and that I'm in the city, with opportunity to work toward and eventually live my occupational dream, and opportunity to explore my sexuality and find the love of a good man, it would be a severe disservice to myself to not aggressively pursue both for myself.

  31. #31
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Well, I sent the letter certified mail with my verification that she got it. I checked online, and she does indeed have the letter. She's likely read it, by now. But I want to wait and see what she does, if she'll make the first move.

  32. #32
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Best wishes with the surgery. I hope your mom choses love over prejudice, but I'm glad you plan on moving forward.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  33. #33
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    You wrote the letter for you, and for the reason that most people come out. To show you have some generosity of spirit, and to know that you have the character to reach out. At this point a response hardly matters, because the ball is in her court. She will be the one wondering if she has the character to reach back.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

  34. #34
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Oh yes, I plan on moving forward either way. Trust and believe - I will move forward.

    My boss/friend that I housekeep for goes back to the town my mom lives in to see about an elderly disabled friend of his. As my boss's personal assistant, one of my responsibilities is to go with him when he goes down there, whenever possible.

    He's planning a trip down there for sometime in the next 72 hours. So ill get to visit my mom in person one last time before my surgery.

    I wonder how she'll react to me being at her house.

    Will she still love me or disown me? I'll find out, surely.

    But even if she chooses to burn the bridge, I have a responsibility to myself and to my happiness in life.

    I will move on, and I will survive.

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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Update - On the way to my mom's with my boss, right now. Will have a reaction by late tonight.

    Here goes nothing...

  36. #36

    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    My mom took it really hard at first, and was in a don't ask don't tell mode for years after... but she came around. In fact my parents just left here. My BF and I made her dinner for her birthday. We had a great time.

    If your mom is gruff at first, it doesn't mean she won't wear down eventually. Give her time.
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Well, I have to give her a pass on this one. She was sleep and I found out from my brother that she's been sick. She would only answer my questions with grunts. So this a push - no win, no loss. I did leave a note behind...

    Hey Mom,

    Sorry I missed you. Heard you were sick. Feel better soon. I'm doing just fine. Foot surgery this Friday. Excited and looking forward to it. I hope you got the letter I sent. If you ever want to call me...

    (Wrote my cell number down.)

    Be well.

    Hugs and love,
    Joe.

    I talked with my brother some, he's s good. He I don't think, knows about what was in the letter I sent.

    I actually tried finding it, but she has such a menagerie of mail and papers everywhere, it's a mess. So I don't know if she kept the letter, or threw it in the trash.

    So, yet again, I have no emotional closure to fall back on in a given situation. Again.

    This visit simply reinforced the fact that I have never been emotionally close to another human being on a family level ever in my life.

    And that honestly kinda worries me. I've never been shown proper relational and relationship skills in the biological family I come from. I worry that that sets me up for failure for when I do eventually land a boyfriend - I don't want to be emotionally distant and estranged like my family was with me. But the opposite of that is to end up being emotionally clingy and needy.

    It just aggrivates me that yet again, the family unit I come from didn't do what it's supposed to do, I the individual am left to foot the emotional and psychological bill in isolation and not knowing how to relate to people.

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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Quote Originally Posted by jdcnow View Post
    And that honestly kinda worries me. I've never been shown proper relational and relationship skills in the biological family I come from. I worry that that sets me up for failure for when I do eventually land a boyfriend - I don't want to be emotionally distant and estranged like my family was with me. But the opposite of that is to end up being emotionally clingy and needy.
    One of the ways that can set you up for failure is by making you second-guess yourself.

    I have one good example of relationship skills in my family - one set of grandparents who died a long time ago - and everyone else is a clusterfuck. It doesn't matter that they were related to me - they would still be a good example even if they were just neighbours or something. I do whatever I can to pass on what I remember about them to my sister. And you are absolutely right about the opposite of something wrong being also wrong.

    I think you're in a good place to find the middle ground.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

  39. #39
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Any update? Any response from your Mom?

  40. #40
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    I actually haven't heard back from her. She has my cell phone number and my mailing address. Because it's geographically so far away from where I live, the only time I ever get to go down there in person is when my housekeeping job's boss goes down there. (He has a an elderly disabled vet friend he takes care of, and he buys groceries for the guy up here in the city, and every first of the month, when the social security and VA pension checks come in, transports them himself down there, and usually has me to go with.)

    Like me, she has an overnight job - oddly enough, within the same company as me, just at a different store location. So I really never know when an appropriate time is to call her - us graveyarders, daytime is basically nighttime for us. So I never know when she's up.

    Even when I lived at home, my DNA family has always basically been amicable strangers. She has her life, and I've had mine, and my brother has his. We're 3 related strangers with our own lives, friends, and things going on.

    I mean, I don't know... /shrugs...

    But I've chosen to let sleeping dogs lie, here. Don't start any mess, and there won't be any mess.

    And besides, in the event that her opinion of me being gay is negative, I actually don't have time for it. I just don't. I've got my own life here in Dallas - my own life, my own forward progress to make, and my own bills to pay. (Matter of fact, I just got interrupted by a bill collector on the phone as I'm in the middle of typing this post.)

  41. #41
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    It sounds like you're in a good spot. You've been honest with her and she is apparently being her usual aloof self. It's sad but not tragic given your family history, your age and your independent life. How's your health?
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    It sounds like you are in a very self-positive place. All the best.


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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    It sounds like you're in a good spot. You've been honest with her and she is apparently being her usual aloof self. It's sad but not tragic given your family history, your age and your independent life. How's your health?
    Thanks. My health is good. The foot's doing better, as mentioned in my foot surgery thread in Hot Topics. This month of medical leave actually has me down 15 pounds since I've had the surgery and stayed at home almost everyday. I need to get in to see my therapist at my college once school starts back next month - oddly enough right when my job starts back, week after next. I'll be so glad to get back to my supermarket. I miss my coworkers and my boss. It'll be good to get to see them again. And I miss the hustle and bustle of my front-end. I'm going to enjoy getting back to that. I'm really craving the ultrafast, go-go-go pace.

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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Quote Originally Posted by palbert View Post
    It sounds like you are in a very self-positive place. All the best.

    Thanks!

    Yes, full-steam ahead. Fortunately, I deal with my mom's silence by the best way to solve most of life's problems...


  45. #45
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Hi Jcd I have just read your thread. My personal opinion, you are one brave young man. Keep going in the good direction you have chosen my friend. It is all about self respect and it sounds like you are gaining it fast and that's great. You can be proud of your efforts.

    Look and dress as smart and neat as you can, be polite and caring, stand up for yourself and do the best work you can.

  46. #46
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Quote Originally Posted by jdcnow View Post
    Well, I have to give her a pass on this one. She was sleep and I found out from my brother that she's been sick. She would only answer my questions with grunts. So this a push - no win, no loss. I did leave a note behind...
    Well, tonight's visit went the same way, actually, except that my brother was gone. Just her alone in the house asleep.

    The dog (a Chihuahua) was awake though , but it doesn't take much for him, he's a light sleeper, especially when he hears something. I sat down for a bit in the living room, and he hopped up in my lap, climbed on top of me - his way of saying hello and asking to be picked up and held. He gave me his traditional big sloppy kisses, and he still knows how to fist bump like I taught him. He's getting old though, I can tell. He's still a very spry, active, uppy-jumpy little dog, but the fur on his face is turning white. I know she's had him for several years now, but I don't know exactly just how old the little guy is.

    But back to my mom. I really don't know what to make of the situation, to tell you the truth.

    On the one hand, at the last visit, she was sick - I was never told with what. At this visit, I came during the 7pm hour - as stated above, she works overnights/graveyard just like I do, and she normally sleeps until about 830pm. So, on the one hand, I do have to give her some slack (for lack of a better way to put it) for not getting up and seeing or speaking to me.

    But on the other hand, at the last visit - weeks ago before my foot surgery, I left a paper note with my address and cell phone number, asking her to contact me if she wanted to. I have yet to hear back. At this visit, I came in and she saw that it was me, and reached for her phone to see what time it was. I told her it was me. I asked her how she was. Her answer was a very sleepy "I'm OK." I then asked her if she got the letter I sent her. I got back a sleepy grunt. /shrugs...

    My mom is a 60-year old woman. And I don't know her health condition, if she's just fine, if she's sick, if she's got cancer, if she's dying, I don't know, I just don't because neither she nor my older brother will contact me, and they both live in the same house.

    I posted on this forum last December at my 30th birthday, that it wasn't until I contacted her to remind her it's my birthday (running family inside joke that my brother and I both do actually have to literally remind her that it's our birthdays - she actually will forget), that turns out she's been in the hospital for almost a week with a MRSA infection, and I wasn't aware of any of this until I'd called down there wondering why she hadn't contacted me. And turns out, I wasn't going to be made aware of it either, I'd found out from my brother. Water is apparently thicker than blood. DNA means nothing.

    In this situation, I don't know what to feel here. I don't know what I should feel here. Do I have the right to be mad, because of the times I've tried to reach out to her, and she still won't contact or talk to me? Or what?

    I don't know, but I do know that I can't wait around forever. And I'm not going to. I'm 30, and have what's left of my youth to salvage and enjoy, and make forward progress with my career/professional goals and dreams.

  47. #47

    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Boy,

    You need to get out there and fuck like there's no tomorrow.

    It sounds like your mother is just that type of person to seem indifferent and uncaring, like maybe she's too wrapped up in herself to be concerned with anything else. This is of course pure speculation, but I wouldn't take it personally as it sounds like you and your brother are familiar with this behavior.

    I can tell you this much, moving here to the Midwest (coming from SoCal) has opened my eyes to this kind of behavior. I would still consider most of TX as part of the Midwest. From what I have seen, that same interaction you describe, I've seen it all over here. there is like a disconnect with genuine and sincere feelings for for each other. It really is sad. Most people here I've learned are very insecure, yet self-centered, passive-aggressive, and indifferent to the feelings or concerns of others unless it pertains to themselves.

    Don't wait around for her blessing or approval or some reaction from her, just get out there and live. There is absolutely NOTHING holding you back from making friends or meeting that right dude who you want to share your life with.

    If at some point in the future, say at Thanksgiving for example, your mom sees you holding hands and kissing a dude at the table and almost falls out of her chair from shock, then maybe it will snap her out of this bizarre inconsiderate behavior.

    But one immediate thing you can do is make some platonic friends outside of work (inside is ok, too) It is better to deal with all this stuff you're going through if you have friends to lean on and who can be there to help cheer you on and support you. It is also easier to have a relationship when you have a separate set of friends to hang with so you're not only and always relying on your partner to do EVERYTHING with. Get some balance in your life with work, school and friends before your balls explode followed by your head.

    You'd be surprised how a few close friendships can completely alleviate some stresses in your life and can help keep you sane.

    Those are my 2 cents, fwiw. (I recycled a couple cans to get them...the cents, yay!)

  48. #48
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    @ElmosToe - Your humor is a true blessing, and thank you for it!


  49. #49
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    Re: Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

    Yup. It's one thing to reach out your hand to lift her up. But no need to be dragged back.

    All of us face fear of the unknown, even cowardice when faced with something outside our comfort zones. All of us have been young and struggled with that. Our parents have been young and struggled with that. Sometimes they come through like we did, sometimes not.

    But asking people to show a little courage and face up to reality is nothing we haven't demanded of ourselves. It isn't cruel to expect our parents to be adults and show compassion, understanding, and respect for ourselves.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

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