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  1. #1

    Not too sure what to think

    Hey all,

    Been around on the site for a while and this is the first time posting.
    I guess I m just after some insights into a situation I am in and see what peoples thoughts are, its a bit long winded so I apologize in advance.

    A bit of a background, I am in my mid 20's and have known I am gay since I was a teenager but I am not out and am comfortable with this for now, I am certainly getting more comfortable with the idea though.
    Over the last few years I have been "sampling the local cuisine" so to speak.
    I have never been in a relationship and have always been quite happy with that.
    Now there is a guy who I saw prob 18 months ago and him and I had some fun together but it never really felt like just a hookup, it felt a little more intimate than that.
    He was tested for STD's and wanted for me to get tested but I just had no time so I fell out of contact.
    Now fast forward to a month ago and I finally got some time to get around to it. Now I was not concerned that I was not clean as I was always safe and I got the results and all was fine.

    I found his email and contacted him and he invited me over that weekend. I went over there and we had fun and I ended up staying the night and leaving the next morning (never done that with anyone before) and again it really felt more intimate than just a regular hookup.
    Now he has invited me over this weekend again but has asked if I wanted to see a movie and grab some food.
    Here is where my mind tries to start working things out and my oblivious nature comes to the forefront.

    Here is what is going on in my mind right now (its much faster and messy in there lol)
    - Is he interested in a relationship?
    - Is this just how he is with any hookups?
    - Am I misreading things?
    - Do I want to be in a relationship?
    - Should I just stop thinking and go along for the ride?

    Now I have said yes to going over there cause I genuinely want to spend time with him, but I am just a little confused as we mostly communicate through email and it felt like it would be "sex buddies" but I am not sure if this is what is now happening.

    I guess I am open to a "sex buddies" scenario where we do things out of the bedroom but I am staring to think even a relationship may be ok (the thought has never in my life crossed my mind before) but don't want to freak him out or put him on the spot to figure out where we stand. I think just not knowing what his thoughts are make it hard to figure out how I feel about things.


    So based off the above ramblings of a mad man, what do you guys think?
    Where do you think he might stand on this and should I just leave things until we either naturally talk about it or should I try and get some certainty so I don't cross any lines or boundaries.

    I also want to know, has anyone ever developed a relationship from a hookup before? I feel stupid that I can't even figure out what I feel.

    Thanks guys.

  2. #2

    Re: Not too sure what to think

    He might be interested in a relationship. It does kind of feel like a first date tho, where you typically talk and get to know each other, and find out what each of you are looking for...see if you're compatible outside of the bedroom. It's good to be honest with him about what you feel...even if it's to say that you're unsure but willing to see where it goes. Perhaps you keep it casual dating at first, rather than diving full steam into a relationship...that is if that is what you and he each want.

    Play it by ear. You may decide that the timing is or isn't right to bring up any relationship type talk that day, but the sooner the conversation takes place, the sooner you clear up this confusion you are having internally.
    Bad decisions make good stories.

  3. #3
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    Re: Not too sure what to think

    hi ratmac,

    First of all, welcome to JUB (as a poster). I tend to agree with #2 that this seems like some sort of a date and that he seems to be interested in getting to know more about each other. Be honest with him, and I tend to agree with #2 that you might keep things casual. So just see what time will bring, and how things will develop. I would like to wish you good luck, and I hope you will have a nice weekend together with him.

    What's his age? Is he out? You are realizing yourself that people around you might start to think about your status when you will get a relationship / good friendship (etc.) with a gay guy? You have no experiences with girls? So people around you might start thinking why this is the case for a guy of your age?

    Good luck and feel free to react and/or ask more questions.

    Take care.
    I am Dutch, so please excuse me for my low level of English.

  4. #4

    Re: Not too sure what to think

    Thank's guys.
    I think that may be the best approach, casual and take it slow for a bit, happy to hear other's thoughts too.
    He is approx 5 years older than me (so very early 30's) I am honestly unsure if he is out or not, he does seem very comfortable with himself so I think he is but really can't be sure, hopefully it will come up soon.
    Most people I know don't see me as the type of person to be in a relationship so they are not really surprised that I am single. I in all honestly have never been keen on the idea of a relationship before (I have had brief stint with women and have slept with women, just preferring men as I get older).
    I figure that if this does develop into a relationship there will be a point at which I will need to be honest about myself to others. The weird thing is that if this guy is what I think he is, I would probably be willing to just come out for the relationship.
    Of course that all depends on getting to know him, I often get very excited about something new and different (which this is) and then settle after a while, (that can go for anything in life really) so this weird feeling may patter out but it is certainly a different feeling, I just need to figure this one out.

  5. #5

    Re: Not too sure what to think

    OK first off all relationships come form a hookup of sorts. I mean I personally don't know of a time when someone made a date with the initial intent of it definitely becoming a LTR. So I'd say relax. It seems you are thinking way ahead of where you are. Are you having all these thoughts because you are trying desperately to preclude a relationship with this guy? I'm just playing devil's advocate for a while here.

    Could it be, since you haven't been in a relationship with a guy that you are uncertain as to what that is. Relationships are as different as the people in them. One thing concerns me. The two of you had STD testing done. Does that mean you are not practicing safe sex? Does it mean you want the option of not practicing safe sex? That is something you need to identify and address.

    I will caution you on one thing don't buy into the cookie cutter idea of gayness that is pervasive in "the gay scenes" around the country. Coming out is to what I refer. If you want to blow the door off the hinges with a bazooka, then so be it. If you want only a few people to know then that is your prerogative.

    My advise is to not overthink this. Don't go in with preset notions about how things should be. My experience has taught me that is setting yourself up for failure. Just get to know the guy and go from there.
    Only government can take perfectly good paper, cover it with perfectly good ink and make the combination worthless.

  6. #6
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    Re: Not too sure what to think

    Hi ratmac,

    Thanks for your quick and friendly reply and for providing us with some answers. I tend to think that coming out can also be no big deal, especially for guys like you who have started to realize that they are gay / prefer guys. I mean, you can just start with incorporating him bit by bit in your daily life, exactly like you would do this with a girl when you would start with developing a good / special relationship with this girl.

    Having a boyfriend, getting into a relationship with another guy is definately an easy way to let people around you know that you are not -longer- interested in girls, as it seems normal to me that you will also introduce him to your friends / relatives (etc.). Am I right that its not a real big deal for you that you are closeted?

    Best wishes and take care.
    I am Dutch, so please excuse me for my low level of English.

  7. #7

    Re: Not too sure what to think

    In regards to the coming out side of things I am not all that concerned.
    A mate in my group of friends did about 2 years ago and no one cared. It was not some grand statement it was a question that was asked and he answered it.
    I would tell people before I introduced anyone, I would not leave it to speculation.

    I think I do just need to go along for the ride, no point in over analysing it, I would prob go mad before too long.

    This is just how my mind tends to work, for better or worse, I like to know the answer, so it makes it hard when there may not even be a question!

  8. #8
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    Re: Not too sure what to think

    Quote Originally Posted by ratmac View Post
    I think I do just need to go along for the ride, no point in over analysing it, I would prob go mad before too long.

    This is just how my mind tends to work, for better or worse, I like to know the answer, so it makes it hard when there may not even be a question!
    You're correct- you are over-analyzing the nuances of an event that hasn't happened yet.

    You are doing what is typical and quite normal for someone your age- finding someone that you like and changing your mindset to a "What if?" scenario. You're just doing it a bit prematurely in this case.

    The only way that you find what feels right for you is to try it. If this does turn into a regular "dating" thing, then have a talk with him about he wants and what you want... but don't sweat it until the time comes when it's clear that it's a regular thing.

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