A little backstory.
Last year I had entered a relationship with a guy and we really hit it off. I mean really. We were even in the same spot in our lives, both finishing school, both about to enter a new chapter. We could talk for hours on end without the conversation ever going dry. We shared so many good times. When it came time to talk about our future we were on the same page. We wanted to share eachother with the world, have kids, get married. We were in love. We were just about to move in together when it all vanished, literally.
There was a complete 180 from him. After so much time together one day he turned extremely cold out of nowhere and I never heard from him again. I called, I texted, I was given a brief excuse once of him busy and that was the last I heard from him.
It took a while for that wound to heal. I don't know if it ever did fully. Time certainly helped but I was left wondering what the reasons were. Was it me? Was it him? I didn't know. I remember the lonely feeling, and being miserable. There was no reason or explanation for what happened when for the longest time we were on the same wavelength.
Then I met another guy some time later. With a similar background as mine only more extreme. It would be very hard for him to come out of the closet. It was also made very clear if he ever admitted to liking guys to anyone in his family or social group it would cause an enormous ruckus.
He was even better in so many ways. I could be 100% myself, he was funny, charming, handsome. We would laugh all the time together. The only problem was that he was bisexual and his relationship with his girlfriend was on hiatus. They weren't seeing each other and were both free to begin their own relationships. He was always very honest with me. He told me the relationship wasn't permanently over but they had agreed to see other people. He had told me there was a chance that things could rekindle between the two of them. I told him I understood, and I did. I was fine with that.
For months we had the time of our lives, we had so many moments I have never shared with ANYONE. We laughed together, cried together, we shared so much with each other. We had so many special moments the experience was really and truly, unbelievable. Then we began to talk about the future. Being together, in the long run. What that would entail. There were obvious complications as far as two guys starting a life together go but it seemed like nothing we wouldn't be able to get through. He seemed completely onboard.
Then spring break happened. He went away for a week and came back with bad news. He and his girlfriend had rekindled their relationship.
I was supportive. I always knew in the back of my mind it was a strong possibility. He had always been very honest which is something I've never seen in a relationship before and I appreciated that.
And he explained to me that he had realized he wanted to fulfill his dreams. He wanted to be married, he wanted to marry his girlfriend, make her his wife. He wanted kids, and a house, and a normal life, one that was real.
I'm devastated. Because as he continued to talk about the things he wanted. He never even mentioned being in love with his girlfriend. He never mentioned her being the one. He never talked about wanting to grow old with the one he loved. The things that we had both valued. He talked about her as if she was a means to an end, a way to fulfill his dream. He never talked about her the way he would talk about me. He just talked about the things in his life that he wanted. How easy and real it would be and I don't blame him. Leading a straight life is easy, no criticism, no abnormalities, nothing out of the ordinary. I think at some point all of us have been tempted to lead that life.
Somehow I knew the outcome of the relationship was inevitable. I knew at some point the girlfriend would make her reappearance. I just didn't think it would be so soon. But I've always wanted for him to be happy, and we both entered the relationship knowing the circumstances.
Yesterday, we said our final good byes. I'm not big on crying but we both shed tears. He offered to check in, offered to meetup at some point in the future as friends possibly. But I told him that wouldn't be possible. As much as I'd love to see him, seeing him with someone else would tear me apart. Yesterday's good bye was a good bye forever, for eternity. I will never see this person again, and while hurts to say that it says me any emotional hardship in the future.
I'm not quite sure how to move on or feel better. I honestly feel empty, desensitized. I woke up today and just lay in bed staring at the ceiling. I've lost my appetite. Watching TV, or attempting to exercise my mind eventually wanders to him. He was such a large part of my day. I would wake up and see him, I would see him during the day, at night we would spend time together. We would share our days, talk, and so much more. He could make me smile when I was having some of the worst days, and anyone who knows me knows that I'm impossible to cheer up. Now all of that is gone. I don't know what to do.
I'm mad at the world that it can't be perfect. That everything can't be considered normal. I feel that in some way I'm inadequate because there were things that his girlfriend and future wife could give him that I can't. I feel like a door just shut in my face and there's nothing I can do about it.