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  1. #1

    Just broke up...Severe depression...

    A little backstory.

    Last year I had entered a relationship with a guy and we really hit it off. I mean really. We were even in the same spot in our lives, both finishing school, both about to enter a new chapter. We could talk for hours on end without the conversation ever going dry. We shared so many good times. When it came time to talk about our future we were on the same page. We wanted to share eachother with the world, have kids, get married. We were in love. We were just about to move in together when it all vanished, literally.

    There was a complete 180 from him. After so much time together one day he turned extremely cold out of nowhere and I never heard from him again. I called, I texted, I was given a brief excuse once of him busy and that was the last I heard from him.

    It took a while for that wound to heal. I don't know if it ever did fully. Time certainly helped but I was left wondering what the reasons were. Was it me? Was it him? I didn't know. I remember the lonely feeling, and being miserable. There was no reason or explanation for what happened when for the longest time we were on the same wavelength.

    Then I met another guy some time later. With a similar background as mine only more extreme. It would be very hard for him to come out of the closet. It was also made very clear if he ever admitted to liking guys to anyone in his family or social group it would cause an enormous ruckus.

    He was even better in so many ways. I could be 100% myself, he was funny, charming, handsome. We would laugh all the time together. The only problem was that he was bisexual and his relationship with his girlfriend was on hiatus. They weren't seeing each other and were both free to begin their own relationships. He was always very honest with me. He told me the relationship wasn't permanently over but they had agreed to see other people. He had told me there was a chance that things could rekindle between the two of them. I told him I understood, and I did. I was fine with that.

    For months we had the time of our lives, we had so many moments I have never shared with ANYONE. We laughed together, cried together, we shared so much with each other. We had so many special moments the experience was really and truly, unbelievable. Then we began to talk about the future. Being together, in the long run. What that would entail. There were obvious complications as far as two guys starting a life together go but it seemed like nothing we wouldn't be able to get through. He seemed completely onboard.

    Then spring break happened. He went away for a week and came back with bad news. He and his girlfriend had rekindled their relationship.

    I was supportive. I always knew in the back of my mind it was a strong possibility. He had always been very honest which is something I've never seen in a relationship before and I appreciated that.

    And he explained to me that he had realized he wanted to fulfill his dreams. He wanted to be married, he wanted to marry his girlfriend, make her his wife. He wanted kids, and a house, and a normal life, one that was real.

    I'm devastated. Because as he continued to talk about the things he wanted. He never even mentioned being in love with his girlfriend. He never mentioned her being the one. He never talked about wanting to grow old with the one he loved. The things that we had both valued. He talked about her as if she was a means to an end, a way to fulfill his dream. He never talked about her the way he would talk about me. He just talked about the things in his life that he wanted. How easy and real it would be and I don't blame him. Leading a straight life is easy, no criticism, no abnormalities, nothing out of the ordinary. I think at some point all of us have been tempted to lead that life.

    Somehow I knew the outcome of the relationship was inevitable. I knew at some point the girlfriend would make her reappearance. I just didn't think it would be so soon. But I've always wanted for him to be happy, and we both entered the relationship knowing the circumstances.

    Yesterday, we said our final good byes. I'm not big on crying but we both shed tears. He offered to check in, offered to meetup at some point in the future as friends possibly. But I told him that wouldn't be possible. As much as I'd love to see him, seeing him with someone else would tear me apart. Yesterday's good bye was a good bye forever, for eternity. I will never see this person again, and while hurts to say that it says me any emotional hardship in the future.

    I'm not quite sure how to move on or feel better. I honestly feel empty, desensitized. I woke up today and just lay in bed staring at the ceiling. I've lost my appetite. Watching TV, or attempting to exercise my mind eventually wanders to him. He was such a large part of my day. I would wake up and see him, I would see him during the day, at night we would spend time together. We would share our days, talk, and so much more. He could make me smile when I was having some of the worst days, and anyone who knows me knows that I'm impossible to cheer up. Now all of that is gone. I don't know what to do.

    I'm mad at the world that it can't be perfect. That everything can't be considered normal. I feel that in some way I'm inadequate because there were things that his girlfriend and future wife could give him that I can't. I feel like a door just shut in my face and there's nothing I can do about it.
    Last edited by Misfit; April 11th, 2013 at 03:43 PM.

  2. #2

    Re: Just broke up...Severe depression...

    Wow, sorry to hear that man. It's hard to imagine what you're going through especially having such great times with these guys. Only thing I can say is hang in there and third time's the charm? Find someone who wants to be with you and not try to fit into some mold.

    I can understand to a smaller degree. I work close to a very nice and funny guy. I'm not sure if he's straight or bi, but he sounds like your guy. He seems more enamored with the idea of having a wife and kids and white picket fences than the girl herself. He's always in a long distance relationship and always seems to get hurt. He's a very sociable and friendly person but trying to take anything far with someone like him even if he was single would end in disaster. Next time, close the door ahead of time and find someone who will be there for you...and there will be a next time.

    Stay strong.

  3. #3
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Just broke up...Severe depression...

    It seems to me he was playing one type of house with you and exchanged it for another form. I'm sorry for your back to back pain with your two relationships. Who knows what went on with the first guy, but the second seems to be a bigger issue.

    While the only person you can control is yourself it's really too bad that you bought into his description of his potential relationship as "normal" as opposed to what he had with you. That is a deal breaker in my mind because it put you on hold and affected your perception of yourself. Being gay is normal. A man in a relationship with another man is normal. Neither is how the majority of people identify nor form relationships, but homosexuality has been with mankind since the beginning of time. No one who plans on a lifetime of hiding who isn't in imminent danger is not worthy of your passion and attention. You fell into a set up, I'm afraid.

    The task ahead is to recover from these two abandonments. It's no easy task, but forcing yourself to be with friends and to maintain a normal routine is critical to your recovery.

    It's impossible to know what went on in the mind and life of your first boyfriend, but this second guy really seems to have taken advantage of you and your willingness to wait around until he made up his mind. I'm wondering if you got angry with him as he broke up with you or if you've been angry. If not, you show a demeanor that's could be construed as passive and you could be prone to being taken advantage of emotionally.

    You have the possibility to learn from these two very taxing emotional situations. I think the big lesson is to be assertive. Emotionally, it's not ok to allow yourself to be in a relationship at the whim of the other person. That creates an imbalance where one person holds all the power.

    I hope after a period of grieving you'll bounce back. Best wishes to you and once again I'm sorry you're hurting.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  4. #4
    Porn Star Brian Smith's Avatar
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    Re: Just broke up...Severe depression...

    Your story is happier than his. For him, in about 15 years at a maximum, the chickens will come home to roost. He will realize that he can never truly feel like he is "home." He will begin to feel like an imposter. He will become more depressed than you will ever be, especially if he has conceived offspring. He will be faced with a terrible choice. If he survives the whole mess, the good spirit who looks after misguided fools is watching over him. A handful of people who post here regularly can tell you in detail every painful aspect of the nightmare that is coming to him. No religion has imagined such a hell.

    Your depression is normal, and it will pass. I can only be sorry that you have to go through it because there is no immediate remedy for it. It's your current purgatory. Time will erode the pain until it is reduced to a dull ache somewhere that you can take your mind off well enough to pursue the joys that remain to you in this life. You will come to think of your memory of being hurt as your natural resistance against being hurt again, which we call "wisdom." You are fortunate if you can gain wisdom from experience. Not everyone can. Wisdom is the scar tissue that forms over old wounds, and it is the only true healing from substantial hurts.

    In time, though, you will find a nice, level-headed man like yourself to share your life with, perhaps this time choosing more carefully and proceeding with greater caution. I know that you will because you broadcast in your writing what kind of person you are: you are a reasonably rational man in an irrational world, holding yourself together as well as you can. There is no reason that you should not be able to make a life with a man who is likewise more-or-less of sound mind.

    Patience will see you through.
    Last edited by Brian Smith; April 12th, 2013 at 06:27 AM.

  5. #5
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    Re: Just broke up...Severe depression...

    One of my rules, never date someone who says that they still might get back together with an ex. Either go back or move on there is no in between in my opinion. Anyway, the first guy sounds like he had some real problems so be thankful that you didn't wind up with him. Don't be mad at the world, these things happen but we move on and find new people. That really is the beauty of things isn't it? We all have a chance to find someone new and to create a new life with. Although we might feel wound, it will heal with time just like all other wounds do. My advice to you is to gather your thoughts for a couple of weeks or a month or so if you need it and put yourself back out there. Don't rush into another committed relationship ! That's probably the biggest problem with people I've seen.

    Now I'm going to give you a rule about bisexuals. I'm bisexual so I'm allowed to say what I fucking want people ! If they talk to their friends about having kids with a woman or having a wife, normal life (straight marriage etc), DUMP THEM ! From experience, MOST not all, but most of the bisexuals I met just wanted to fool around with guys and not have a serious relationship. MOST again NOT all will wind up marrying women. I'm bi but I could firmly say that if I wind up with a guy I really love I will have no problem marrying him the same with a woman. But a lot of the bis I met have issues with that. Anyway that's my two cents

  6. #6
    Lascivious Lush altlover85's Avatar
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    Re: Just broke up...Severe depression...

    I think you'll be able to recover from this. It wil take time, just like it did the last time. You sound like you know what you want out of a relationship, which is great!

    For now, I would focus on myself and my friends, if I were you. I think putting your energy into something else will help give you the perspective you need to heal.

    Quote Originally Posted by Misfit View Post
    Then I met another guy some time later. With a similar background as mine only more extreme. It would be very hard for him to come out of the closet. It was also made very clear if he ever admitted to liking guys to anyone in his family or social group it would cause an enormous ruckus.

    He was even better in so many ways. I could be 100% myself, he was funny, charming, handsome. We would laugh all the time together. The only problem was that he was bisexual and his relationship with his girlfriend was on hiatus. They weren't seeing each other and were both free to begin their own relationships. He was always very honest with me. He told me the relationship wasn't permanently over but they had agreed to see other people. He had told me there was a chance that things could rekindle between the two of them. I told him I understood, and I did. I was fine with that.
    These two things should have been huge red flags. If a guy is afraid to come out and on break from a relationship with a girl, I would be very concerned that he's going to leave me for that girl and that he just isn't ready for a relationship with a guy.

    I feel that in some way I'm inadequate because there were things that his girlfriend and future wife could give him that I can't. I feel like a door just shut in my face and there's nothing I can do about it.
    You definitely shouldn't feel inadequate. Yes, there are things she can give him that you can't, but the same is true for what you can give him that she couldn't. This breakup wasrelated to his issues, not yours.

    Quote Originally Posted by NYClover54 View Post
    Now I'm going to give you a rule about bisexuals. I'm bisexual so I'm allowed to say what I fucking want people ! If they talk to their friends about having kids with a woman or having a wife, normal life (straight marriage etc), DUMP THEM !
    I think this is great advice! There are times when people tell us what they really want and we miss the point because what they are saying isn't what we want to hear. If a guy is talking to you about having a life that couldn't include you (focused on having a wife that will provide him with kids) then that's a sign to get out and move on.

  7. #7
    Banned chance1's Avatar
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    Re: Just broke up...Severe depression...

    you're a great storyteller - as i read about both relationships it was like i was there with the 2 of you

    that's quite a gift

    sorry for your "losses" and not to diminish them or the realness but ........

    it sounds like you were all you could be - which is all we can be
    it sounds like you are open to loving and sharing which is awesome
    it sounds like like these two gents - the first who knows why - the 2nd had a blind spot (GF/bisexuality) - were just not right for you

    but you've gained perspective and experience and ......

    i have no doubt that you'll be posting here (hopefully) about your next relationship that ends better

    take care

  8. #8

    Re: Just broke up...Severe depression...

    I want to thank everyone for their replies. I really expected to get no hits on this thread or any words of wisdom but your replies have been so therapeutic for me.

    I honestly can't thank you all enough.


    Quote Originally Posted by PM11 View Post
    Wow, sorry to hear that man. It's hard to imagine what you're going through especially having such great times with these guys. Only thing I can say is hang in there and third time's the charm? Find someone who wants to be with you and not try to fit into some mold.

    I can understand to a smaller degree. I work close to a very nice and funny guy. I'm not sure if he's straight or bi, but he sounds like your guy. He seems more enamored with the idea of having a wife and kids and white picket fences than the girl herself. He's always in a long distance relationship and always seems to get hurt. He's a very sociable and friendly person but trying to take anything far with someone like him even if he was single would end in disaster. Next time, close the door ahead of time and find someone who will be there for you...and there will be a next time.

    Stay strong.
    At to this day that mentality still exists. I still see on talk shows men who are interested in other men but still marry a woman only to regret it down the line after self-resentment turns into anger.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    It seems to me he was playing one type of house with you and exchanged it for another form. I'm sorry for your back to back pain with your two relationships. Who knows what went on with the first guy, but the second seems to be a bigger issue.

    While the only person you can control is yourself it's really too bad that you bought into his description of his potential relationship as "normal" as opposed to what he had with you. That is a deal breaker in my mind because it put you on hold and affected your perception of yourself. Being gay is normal. A man in a relationship with another man is normal. Neither is how the majority of people identify nor form relationships, but homosexuality has been with mankind since the beginning of time. No one who plans on a lifetime of hiding who isn't in imminent danger is not worthy of your passion and attention. You fell into a set up, I'm afraid.

    The task ahead is to recover from these two abandonments. It's no easy task, but forcing yourself to be with friends and to maintain a normal routine is critical to your recovery.

    It's impossible to know what went on in the mind and life of your first boyfriend, but this second guy really seems to have taken advantage of you and your willingness to wait around until he made up his mind. I'm wondering if you got angry with him as he broke up with you or if you've been angry. If not, you show a demeanor that's could be construed as passive and you could be prone to being taken advantage of emotionally.

    You have the possibility to learn from these two very taxing emotional situations. I think the big lesson is to be assertive. Emotionally, it's not ok to allow yourself to be in a relationship at the whim of the other person. That creates an imbalance where one person holds all the power.

    I hope after a period of grieving you'll bounce back. Best wishes to you and once again I'm sorry you're hurting.
    You're right. Two guys in a relationship is normal, if only the world could see it that way. A little bit of anger is starting to settle in, and I really don't want to be. I feel myself becoming bitter when I think about him and I'm not sure how much I like that feeling.

    I also agree with your opinion and you're not the only person whose given me similar advice. I'm trying my best to take away lessons from this as much as it hurts.

    Thank you so very much for your opinion and advice.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brian Smith View Post
    Your story is happier than his. For him, in about 15 years at a maximum, the chickens will come home to roost. He will realize that he can never truly feel like he is "home." He will begin to feel like an imposter. He will become more depressed than you will ever be, especially if he has conceived offspring. He will be faced with a terrible choice. If he survives the whole mess, the good spirit who looks after misguided fools is watching over him. A handful of people who post here regularly can tell you in detail every painful aspect of the nightmare that is coming to him. No religion has imagined such a hell.

    Your depression is normal, and it will pass. I can only be sorry that you have to go through it because there is no immediate remedy for it. It's your current purgatory. Time will erode the pain until it is reduced to a dull ache somewhere that you can take your mind off well enough to pursue the joys that remain to you in this life. You will come to think of your memory of being hurt as your natural resistance against being hurt again, which we call "wisdom." You are fortunate if you can gain wisdom from experience. Not everyone can. Wisdom is the scar tissue that forms over old wounds, and it is the only true healing from substantial hurts.

    In time, though, you will find a nice, level-headed man like yourself to share your life with, perhaps this time choosing more carefully and proceeding with greater caution. I know that you will because you broadcast in your writing what kind of person you are: you are a reasonably rational man in an irrational world, holding yourself together as well as you can. There is no reason that you should not be able to make a life with a man who is likewise more-or-less of sound mind.

    Patience will see you through.
    Thank you for your optimism for my situation. It really helps. I'm trying my best to learn from this before I put myself out there again.

    Quote Originally Posted by NYClover54 View Post
    One of my rules, never date someone who says that they still might get back together with an ex. Either go back or move on there is no in between in my opinion. Anyway, the first guy sounds like he had some real problems so be thankful that you didn't wind up with him. Don't be mad at the world, these things happen but we move on and find new people. That really is the beauty of things isn't it? We all have a chance to find someone new and to create a new life with. Although we might feel wound, it will heal with time just like all other wounds do. My advice to you is to gather your thoughts for a couple of weeks or a month or so if you need it and put yourself back out there. Don't rush into another committed relationship ! That's probably the biggest problem with people I've seen.

    Now I'm going to give you a rule about bisexuals. I'm bisexual so I'm allowed to say what I fucking want people ! If they talk to their friends about having kids with a woman or having a wife, normal life (straight marriage etc), DUMP THEM ! From experience, MOST not all, but most of the bisexuals I met just wanted to fool around with guys and not have a serious relationship. MOST again NOT all will wind up marrying women. I'm bi but I could firmly say that if I wind up with a guy I really love I will have no problem marrying him the same with a woman. But a lot of the bis I met have issues with that. Anyway that's my two cents
    Part of me wants to find someone else immediately. Another part of me feels that I'll only be disappointed with what I find. I don't know if anyone will ever touch me the way he touched me. But as other posters have mentioned, I have to remain hopeful.

    As far as bisexuals go. The one big lesson I have learned from all this, and there are a few I'm finding, is that I won't date bisexuals ever again.

    Quote Originally Posted by altlover85 View Post
    I think you'll be able to recover from this. It wil take time, just like it did the last time. You sound like you know what you want out of a relationship, which is great!

    For now, I would focus on myself and my friends, if I were you. I think putting your energy into something else will help give you the perspective you need to heal.

    These two things should have been huge red flags. If a guy is afraid to come out and on break from a relationship with a girl, I would be very concerned that he's going to leave me for that girl and that he just isn't ready for a relationship with a guy.

    You definitely shouldn't feel inadequate. Yes, there are things she can give him that you can't, but the same is true for what you can give him that she couldn't. This breakup wasrelated to his issues, not yours.

    I think this is great advice! There are times when people tell us what they really want and we miss the point because what they are saying isn't what we want to hear. If a guy is talking to you about having a life that couldn't include you (focused on having a wife that will provide him with kids) then that's a sign to get out and move on.
    The life he "wanted" was a realization of his over the spring break when the relationship rekindled. Until then there was no mention of wanting a wife and I truly believed the two of us would be a possibility in the future.

    Thank you. And I really understand now, well at least beginning to understand that being assertive is a must. I really can't settle in the future.

  9. #9
    Virgin The Flash's Avatar
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    Re: Just broke up...Severe depression...

    There is nothing I could say that Chance didn't already say, and say extremely well.

  10. #10
    whitedavo
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    Re: Just broke up...Severe depression...

    As someone who went through similar experiences, consider whether or not you try and go for people who are emotionally unavailable. I see an immediate "out" in both situations. I found that I was consistently going for someone, where there was usually someone else or some other event on the horizon. I didn't want to get hurt so I knew that if I kept going in this direction, I knew there was a slim chance of it being solid, thus I wouldn't feel like I lost something of value. Obviously I'd still hurt but I didn't feel like I had lost hope.

  11. #11

    Re: Just broke up...Severe depression...

    Quote Originally Posted by chance1 View Post
    you're a great storyteller - as i read about both relationships it was like i was there with the 2 of you

    that's quite a gift

    sorry for your "losses" and not to diminish them or the realness but ........

    it sounds like you were all you could be - which is all we can be
    it sounds like you are open to loving and sharing which is awesome
    it sounds like like these two gents - the first who knows why - the 2nd had a blind spot (GF/bisexuality) - were just not right for you

    but you've gained perspective and experience and ......

    i have no doubt that you'll be posting here (hopefully) about your next relationship that ends better

    take care
    I will be. It appears that other people have relationship questions and issues that maybe I can help with. It feels really good to read all of your replies.

    I suppose you right, I was the best I could be and that's all I can ask for.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Flash View Post
    There is nothing I could say that Chance didn't already say, and say extremely well.
    Thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by whitedavo View Post
    As someone who went through similar experiences, consider whether or not you try and go for people who are emotionally unavailable. I see an immediate "out" in both situations. I found that I was consistently going for someone, where there was usually someone else or some other event on the horizon. I didn't want to get hurt so I knew that if I kept going in this direction, I knew there was a slim chance of it being solid, thus I wouldn't feel like I lost something of value. Obviously I'd still hurt but I didn't feel like I had lost hope.
    I hope this isn't a pattern. I think I'll take sometime to myself and then try again.

  12. #12
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Just broke up...Severe depression...

    It's been a couple of weeks. How are things going for you?
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  13. #13

    Re: Just broke up...Severe depression...

    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    It's been a couple of weeks. How are things going for you?
    Thank you for inquiring Seasoned. I would like to thank all of you so very much for helping me through this. Some of you may be wondering the effectiveness of your posts. But I assure you they helped so much. Reading these after a breakup was lifting. You guys didn't have to post anything, or even care about someone you hardly knew but you took the time out of YOUR day to make someone else feel better.

    How am I doing? Better. It was almost a month ago that I made the initial post. I recently started a new job (after looking for a good one for a year) and it's a wonderful job. It's helping...Staying busy throughout the day keeps my mind from lingering and wondering about romance.

    I have to be honest...Because it's the internet and I can be...I'm going through various stages of bitterness and anger at times...There are rare tendencies when I feel I need to get back at him in some way. I'm controlling myself of course but I'm still mad sometimes. I wonder how much I really mattered to him in the end for this to be done to be. But like another poster said I shouldn't keep wondering what he's up to or what he's doing.

    What gets me through the anger is remembering I learned a lesson. I really understand now that perhaps had I been more attentive and assertive I could have avoided all this. And hopefully, I will in the future.

    I just keep remembering when I first met him I tried so hard not to fall in love and to stay-detached in the event sometime like this might happen. But I ended up falling in love.

    While I'm doing better the moments of silence are the worst. There are days, or moments in the day when I think about him, where I wonder how real it was, where I wonder if he's thinking of me. But I know I can't dwell on it too much, it will eat me up.

    Things are going better...But I'm very discouraged to get back out there dating...Honestly, I'm tired. I've had two amazing relationships that ended on the worst note possible. I feel a piece of my soul gets chipped away each time. I don't know what to do...I don't know if I should just settle for something average, or maybe stay completely detached from any guy who walks my way.

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