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  1. #1

    I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    After nearly eight years of lurking in the background I find myself in need of some serious soul searching advise. Whatever anyone has to offer I appreciate, good or bad...and I thank you now for offering your insights.

    First off, I am married; so is he. I have a child, he doesn't have any. I do love my wife, and according to him, his is more of an annoyance than anything else.

    We met online at Adult Friend Finder, and hit it off immediately! Met in person for coffee, and decided to pursue a relationship. OMG, it was wonderful! Everything meshed together well; from our beliefs, our thoughts, our politics, our consideration for others, our attraction to each other both physically and mentally.....it WAS wonderful! So much so, that in my mind I was having the "I'm in love with someone" conversation with my wife. I have NEVER felt this was about another man, but it just felt so right. During the month of January we emailed nearly 400 times (I have all of those emails!) and texted over 1000 messages back and forth.

    His next to last email to me was this:

    "G'Morning MY special man, YES MINE.....MINE.....MINE!!!

    Just getting a chance to email you, as I got home and did a few brief things to prepare for today, then I laid down and fell asleep around 1900 and just woke up about 45 minutes ago, must be one of those moments, that the body says........ AH, time for some catch up rest!!!

    I MISS YOU more than you can imagine.................... YES, more than you know! I'm not sure, what or when, but something I say or do, is going to finally prove to you, that you are NOT some charity case to me, that I want to spend time with you, and enjoy every minute I do get to spend with you. So yesterday. was as I told you, a selfish but necessary request from me, cause I needed to spend time with you alone, especially not knowing when I'm back home and when we may get to see each other again..

    Now, as for me allowing you to hold me.................. Um, are you fucking hilarious (just to help break up the "mushiness"), I'm the one that is HONORED and privileged that you not only want to, but will hold me, as it does...... Yes, does allow me to let my guard down a bit, and feel comfortable and relaxed. That is why, I made the statement, that I could probably actually fall asleep and sleep for a while, knowing that you're next to me, or even if I was in your arms. SO THANK YOU for all of that!!!

    I hope you slept well, and your night was uneventful.

    Have a great day/a.m., and stay warm, SMILE, and be SAFE.

    Remember you're my special man, and important to someone.................. Um, ME!!!

    I will think of you.................... Um, cause you're always on my mind (isn't that like a song..... from your era (HeHe)?)

    I will also check in and let you know, all is good and I'm OK. You can as well, and I will reply ASAP.

    HUGSSSSSS and KISSESSSSSS

    SMILESSSSSSS"

    Sal has had back issues since he was quite injured in the Army in Afghanistan, and the migraines and back pain began that night. Over the next couple of days, via texts, he told me he was going to see his specialist in Boston - we live in upstate NY - and would be following the doctor's advice. He returned, told me the doctor would be talking with the doctor who performed his operations in California and was waiting to hear their recommendations.

    Then, nothing! For three weeks, I texted, called, emailed, read the obituaries, called ALL of the hospitals from Boston to Albany, Saratoga to Westchester....no record of admission! My head was so screwed up I couldn't think, couldn't work out at the gym, I was taking time of from work to drive past the home we would meet at - he has his main home and his home still from before his marriage - and nothing! No signs of him, I was going out of my mind for fear that something terrible happened to him.

    Then, on the 19th day, I drove out to the house, passed it to turn around at the little post office.......and there he was!!! He looked happy to see me, but at that very moment I don't think joy or relief shown on my face. We talked for a few minutes vehicle to vehicle, then went back to the house so he could fill me in.

    He told me he texted me before he left for California for consultation and minor surgery out there.......but I never got a text! I asked why he wouldn't call me with that kind of news, but the answer sort of got lost in the barrage of questions I was throwing at him. We sat for an hour, I cried just from the relief of finally seeing him, he held me, we kissed and made plans to spend the next day together.

    What follows now was our last email exchange:

    FROM ME:

    "How's noon today work for you? I was thinking you could take me..............for that burger!! pig!lol

    If you're not up for that I can bring lunch with me.

    Let me know what's best for you.

    Did I tell you I'm glad you're home? )"

    FROM HIM:

    "Unfortunately noon is not going to work for me. The evening/night was, for lack of a better word, a fucking circus!!!

    Found out what was wrong, per se, cause she has not eluded to why she did what she did and anything else..............

    When I signed on to this account, I found out that my emails, well any and all that were received since I was away were opened (read). When I approached this issue, as I was pissed beyond all belief, nothing was denied, but also nothing was explained WHY!

    So, I am not sure how much more she knows, with regards to who you are, cause she also had access to the duplex and when you told me you were there on the premises, your vehicle was as well. So needless to say, this is just more BS for me to deal with and I am unable to tell you, what is next.

    What I can tell you, although you are NOT going to be happy or content, but this can NOT continue. Any more communications, as I don't need it used against me, nor do I need it to get to your family and fuck anything else up.

    I will be deleting my account on-line (AFF), so there is no other info, as well as I am having a friend of mine look at my computer and give me a full update on anything that was tracked or etc.

    I wish you luck, and can only advise you to keep low with anything else you choose to do or not do with AFF.

    -SSS "

    I should mention at this point the he is in federal law enforcement - formerly a nurse - and she is a state trooper.

    I have reached out on many occasions since, with no reply. I sent him a message on Facebook - he blocked me. I created a secondary profile on Facebook, sent an email in the third person (he had to know it was me based on the name) - he blocked me.

    I am still sending emails from gmail to gmail and they are not being bounced back as rejected so I have to assume he's getting them, and I have only called his phone once to inquire about his health; no response.

    I am beside myself! My chest constantly feels as thought it's caving in, I hurt, I ache, and when I think of him, if I don't reach out in some manner I start to shake and occasionally sob uncontrollably.

    I should also mention that I am 49; he is 38. The time we spent together was magical, so comfortable, so easy. I don't remember smiling that much ever! Now, I don't remember hurting so much ever!

    We never did discuss what would take place if this scenario played out. I've pleaded with him to either tell me to wait, or to go away....nothing. I've told him that no response gives me hope to hold on, still nothing (so I should have hope, right?!?)

    I've implored him to give me the respect and courtesy we always talked about, to treat me like a gentleman, to tell me to go away and I would.....nothing.

    I just don't know what to do. My head is all over the place, my heart hurts so much, my mind wanders to terrible thoughts of what's happening to/with him, then I wonder if it was all a game and he's sitting there laughing at me for my angst! I don't believe that part, but I'm everywhere in my thoughts!

    So, gentlemen, let me have it.....give me all your thoughts please, because I've run out of thoughts and ideas.

    All I know is.....I would drop everything in a heartbeat for this man....that's how much I believe I love him............................
    .

  2. #2

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Wow. Just... Wow.

    I wouldn't even know where to begin with all the entanglements here, especially with you both being married.

    Granted, this could be a jumping point for both of you to come out of the closet and leave your wives for each other, but also if he's not willing to talk to you in any form, there's really nothing you can do to change his mind.

    I'm not exactly sure I'm buying his Back Surgery excuse... I feel like he was trying to use that excuse to drop off the earth hoping you'd forget about him, and only dealt with you when he had to when you ran into him.
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  3. #3
    On the Prowl Ninjato's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Looks like you got it bad for him. How long were you guys together before his operation? Seems a little strange that he didn't contact you at all during his operation. I would have figured that he would want you more than ever at that time. His last message seems like he was going to lose a lot if he continued seeing you. His wife already knows and he's still going to wipe his computer to try and cover his tracks so it seems like there is something more going on. He said it was over in the last e-mail and he has blocked you on facebook and doesn't respond to your e-mails so I don't think you should have hope that you'll get back with him. It will probably take you a long time to start feeling better. And he's definitely changed you.

  4. #4

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Thanks borg, for responding.....I've thought exactly what you said, too. When he said he was going to Boston to see his specialist, it was SuperBowl Sunday; and I know he has gay friends in Boston. My thinking was he re-hooked up with someone from his past. But, he told me all about the accident and, has shown me the several scars. BUT, why would he just want to disappear? We had shared so much, and I would say 95% of what he's told me I've been able to verify. The only thing, and I don't know if it's a law enforcement thing or not, but I find NO reference anywhere to a wife....not even in his mother's obituary. I figured I was a pre-occupation until whomever returned on to the scene. But, then again, If you could read some of the emails I've received from him, I just can't fathom how someone would just want to disappear....we really did seem like a perfect match......

  5. #5

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Hey Ninjato....yes, I do have it bad for him....I feel like I've lost a lifelong companion, a friend. a lover. This may shock some people and some people may think I'm crazy, but we only met the day after Christmas. But in that short 6 weeks, we were together three days a week, emailing and texting morning, afternoon and night! And we spent time together outside the bedroom, too. It wasn't just all sex, we had hours long conversations, and I'm not like that with anyone at all! And, for him and so far only for him, I bottomed....and it was incredible! Yes, he has changed me quite a bit!!
    He has a work phone as well as a personal phone, and is required to always have the work phone with him, so I assumed that carrying two cell phones, especially traveling, would be cumbersome. But would you know, or anyone who reads this know, if sending email within gmail, would I get a "reject" email if he had indeed deleted the email account I've been sending to? From what I read I would, but I haven't...

  6. #6

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Quote Originally Posted by Radrod View Post
    Thanks borg, for responding.....I've thought exactly what you said, too. When he said he was going to Boston to see his specialist, it was SuperBowl Sunday; and I know he has gay friends in Boston. My thinking was he re-hooked up with someone from his past. But, he told me all about the accident and, has shown me the several scars. BUT, why would he just want to disappear? We had shared so much, and I would say 95% of what he's told me I've been able to verify. The only thing, and I don't know if it's a law enforcement thing or not, but I find NO reference anywhere to a wife....not even in his mother's obituary. I figured I was a pre-occupation until whomever returned on to the scene. But, then again, If you could read some of the emails I've received from him, I just can't fathom how someone would just want to disappear....we really did seem like a perfect match......
    It's hard to say what happened with him. Maybe his wife did find out, or maybe she was getting close to finding out. Maybe he didn't intend to get so close to you, and just wanted a fling on the side. Perhaps he lied about him being near leaving his wife and decided to stay with her - too scared to come clean and out of the closet. The change was too big and too scary for him. Unfortunately you may never get the answers you seek. You'll have to find some way to live with and accept that, and move on.

    Unfortunately for both of you, living in secret as you both were/are is a huge strain on any relationship, and trying to be in two relationships at the same time is probably more then most people can handle, living two separate lives, and trying to keep them apart.
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  7. #7

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Thank you so much for responding, borg.....I feel so alone here as you can imagine I have no one I can talk to about this. I do believe there is a wife; reference to her and them was made in general conversation sometimes. All I've asked for in the several emails since the end of February is tell me the truth - I can handle it. If there's someone else, I could accept that since in my mind we would no longer be meant for each other. I've begged him to tell me to go the F away, tell me there was someone else, tell me anything. We talked so much about respect, courtesy, even morals and I would think if he really wanted me to go away he would say so. Not saying to go away, in my convoluted head, is equivalent to saying "hold on"......I'm so F'ed up over this!!!!!

  8. #8

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    He may not have come out and said so word for word, but you should consider his actions of disappearing for weeks during his supposed operation, deleting his Facebook account, and not responding to your e-mails or phone calls as his answer that for whatever reasons he no long wishes, or is able to continue it.

    Believe me, I know it sucks, and it hurts like hell... but you have to find some way over time to get over it and move on with your life. There's really no way to second guess his motives or intentions, weather or not what he said back then was true or not... Be thankful for the time you DID have together if it was special to you and think kindly of those moments, and try to find a way to get more enjoyment and happiness out of life in the future. You might take a good hard look at your own life, and ask yourself if living a double life is really what YOU want in the long term? I'm not judging, but in all fairness I think your wife has the right to find the same happiness you are looking for.
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  9. #9

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Borg, everything you say is absolutely true. I guess I don't understand how one day he can say those words and then want to disappear. It boggles my mind that anyone may play with someone's emotions like that! I do try to make the time together seem special, but I can't help thinking that we both may be letting go of what could be the best thing to ever happen to both of us, and in the long run, everyone else involved. I'm a very analytical person, which he is fully aware of, and I just can't stop myself from finding the little bits and pieces to justify keeping this going. I'm losing my mind, I know....
    I've been doing a lot of soul searching these past two months, and I don't know, now especially, if I'll ever find the answer my life needs....and the very last person in the world I would want to hurt is my wife; I do love her completely and would not want to prevent her happiness, whether that can be me or not....thank you, so much again.....

  10. #10
    Porn Star Brian Smith's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Well, my first partner was technically married still when we started talking to each other, so I have an idea of what you might eventually end up going through with your wife.

    One thing you have to be prepared for is the possibility that your wife could become vengeful. You have to realize that this is just human nature, and it's not something she would be able to help doing, even if she wanted to. Just don't let it get into your head that somehow there is something especially evil about you. You have made some unwise decisions, and you ought to be feeling very silly; however, that only goes so far. Although it's a long road covered in thorns and brambles, you and your wife will eventually reach a point of reconciliation.

    Secondly, one thing that kept my ex-partner focused was to concentrate on the welfare of his two kids. The fact that he has been able to do right by his children has been the main thing keeping him level-headed. He has made a tremendous amount of sacrifice for them, and he has probably spent more time with them than most dads ever do. They are brilliant. One of them right now is on his way to becoming a doctor.

    Now, as for what to do with this failed relationship, what you need to do is realize that you have been on a drug high. This is a literal fact. When you are infatuated, your judgment is as compromised as if you had shot up on heroin. For your own sake, please try to understand this. It feels very real to you, but it's not the same thing as the kind of love that is built over a lifetime. Let him go.

    As a gay dad in a straight marriage, you are in a tough situation. There is no way to circumvent this fact, and that's something you need to face right now. This is one of the most "suck" things that can happen to a gay guy. However, if you keep your head on your shoulders, you can survive it, and this too shall pass. We are here to support you as well as we can, and I hope you can get some good, supportive advice from people who have been in similar situations.

    This kind of stuff has happened to a lot of men. You can get through it. Keep your eyes focused on the light at the end of the tunnel.
    Last edited by Brian Smith; April 4th, 2013 at 04:26 PM.

  11. #11

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Hi Brian, thanks for the time and words of advice. I have given thought to everything you've said and run all of these things through my mind over and over again. I'm not sure what I will do, if I ever do anything. I just wish there was some kind of closure with him, I'm the type that needs everything settled....but, he's not giving me that and he's well aware of my need(s). Not sure why, unless again, this was just a game to him to screw with someone's mind....but I will let go, if nothing but for my own sanity!

  12. #12
    JUB Addict HunterM's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    ^ You need to find closure within yourself so you can move on in life...so you can heal emotionally. Don't wait for him to give you closure. You may never get one from him. For example, when a loved one died all of a sudden, I cannot expect closure from the dead. I have to find closure within myself.

    Good luck!

  13. #13
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Unless I am misreading something, it sounds like he gave you closure when he said "this can NOT continue". That was his way of saying good bye. Whether he just used you or felt something for you, only he knows. Either way, how he handled it was wrong.
    Since you are both married and you have a child, you had to know that eventually difficulties would lie ahead for you, even if you planned to keep your relationship on the downlow while maintaining your married lives. It's next to impossible to lead double lives forever.

    Now you have to face the reality of having a wife and child. Do you plan to keep all this from her? What if you meet someone else? How do you protect your little family from being hurt by your decisions? No good can come from being online looking for men to meet, even if you say it is only for friendship. These things have a way of going where they shouldn't.

    I know someone who cheated on his wife and family with a guy he met online. The guy he met dumped him, too. What bothered me was that he seemed more crushed by being dumped than by the fact he betrayed his wife. He had a very difficult time letting go of this other guy and became obsessed about it. Eventually, he dealt with it only by being honest with himself and taking responsibility for his actions and claiming it would never happen again. I don't know if he held to that, however. Sometimes when you open a door to certain things, it's difficult to close them again.

    I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can find a way to put all this into perspective. What is most important to you?
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  14. #14
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    There was a very different situation in another thread on this forum where the advise was the same as what I'm going to give you...

    There are times when you are not happy (which explains why you were on AFF) and there's this great opportunity that seems like both the way out of the unhappy situation and the way to find happiness. Most of the time, it's not and you end up losing the unhappy situation (which in your case includes your child) and the future situation (which is a married man who has a pretty complicated mess in his own life).

    Add to this some hints that there's an obsessive, out-of-control aspect to all of this and it really doesn't bode well.

    You have to decide what you want - and we're not talking her vs him. We're talking whether you want to be a father/husband or you want to be by yourself and figure out what you want in your life. Before you lose it all on a relationship with a guy who doesn't sound like he's ready for that relationship, you really need to think about what kind of future you want and whether you're ready to let go of one life to pursue another. You cannot be both a good father/husband and have a male-lover on the side without someone (or everyone) getting hurt. And you need to be sure that if you want a life with another man, are you ready to risk losing your family over it?

    And given the obsessive, overly-anxious part of this, you may want to consider talking with a therapist to work this all out. It's not something that is easy to sort through on your own- there's too many people who can get hurt if you don't make the decision that is right for everyone involved.

  15. #15
    FEAR THE LIBERAL DETENTE! TX-Beau's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Yeah, I'm, kind of wondering why you expected honesty in a situation born, lived, and marinated in deceit. Being in the closet doesn't make one a cheater. You both decided to do that on your own, and the most glaring thing (as always) that jumps out is the complete lack of "...Everything meshed together well; from our beliefs, our thoughts, our politics, our consideration for others, our attraction to each other both physically and mentally.....it WAS wonderful!..." that the two of you displayed.

    What did you expect to happen? You both made promises to other people, then you blew that off. Others in here can sympathize, so I'm going to point out that there is no excuse for that. If you want to find a guy to love and cherish - be a fucking man and let your wife go make a life with a guy who can actually giuve her what she deserves. ANYTHING else is incredibly selfish and cruel.
    ATTACK OF THE LIBERAL ELITE

  16. #16

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Sixthson and Kara, thank you.

    I came here with my mess, and everyone has given such good sound advise, and posed some questions that require some deep thinking. Thank you.

    Sixth - you made me realize that, OMG, I was more upset and obsessed over something that wouldn't have worked. To make it work would require upheaval and disruption for far too many people. Who knows, maybe he foresaw this and decided to be that honorable gentleman by taking the heat for the loss of relationship vs the loss of family. Or maybe I'm just too optimistic and na´ve to believe otherwise.

    I kind of thought I might get responses telling me to go for it, keep trying. Or, maybe I was just hoping for that response....any way,
    I know this is going to be difficult for me to do, let go that is, but it's life....right?! Move on by regrouping and moving forward.

    Thank you!

  17. #17

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    TX - Well spoken; thank you.

    I know what I've done isn't excusable in any light, and I think may have replaced lost feelings here at home with something that was so easy. Using the excuse that having a relationship with a man was anything less that having an affair with a woman. I love my wife, and we are still intimate. But the affection is lacking - she's pre-menopausal - and I went looking for exactly what I was getting. But, I should be working on that at home. I'm incredibly grateful for the life I have and I should start respecting it for that.

    But, the sex was the most incredible experience! I don't know if I'll ever have those feelings again....

  18. #18
    Execuvette Rolyo85's Avatar
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  19. #19
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    To be honest, you lost me at "our consideration for others." But my best effort is:

    If you don't know someone well enough to know whether he actually does have a wife or not, you don't know someone well enough to say you love him.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

  20. #20
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Just my two cents:

    It always hurts when u fall for someone and then it ends very suddenly and u dont have a chance to explain urself. I guess its an experience that happens to most people once in their lives unfortunately.

    Looks to me as there is a very disrespectable side to him that you havent learned about yet... I mean for both of you though, to still be in a marriage and develop such a "relationship" and not tell your respective partners and just betray them for weeks or however long this has been going on, shame on both of you! SHAME!!! However, when it did come out for him, u could expect him, in case he did have these sincere feeling for u, to stand up to them and rather explain this situation to his wife and stand on ur side (again, if thats what he felt too) rather than giving u such a bullshit email and be a dirty coward and run away from talking to u.

    "...I've told him that no response gives me hope to hold on, still nothing (so I should have hope, right?!?)"

    Unfortunately, thats wrong. He gave u the answer, the one that hes not gonna talk to u anymore and that hes gonna leave this behind him, its just not the one u wanted to hear. I know it hurts, but take a step back and look at it. He did say hes not talking to u anymore and he blocked u on several occasions now, it seems pretty obvious. U should stop contacting him, Im not a big fan of fighting for someones love anyway. If I have a partner and i love him and he loves me I dont want to have to encourage him or convince him to be with me...

    So, sorry to say, but u shouldnt contact him anymore. The sooner u start to get over him the sooner u are actually over him *hugs*

  21. #21

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Well said, bankside. I'm so glad I finally came here looking for advice/opinions because it has really opened my eyes. I think I took all of the emotion of his disappearance, because I believed it meant something bad, and channeled it all into "love" for him. Don't get me wrong, but I do "love" him, as a friend, and a conversationalist. And, yes, I said before, the sex is great!
    Now, I do love my wife, and our sex life is good, and we have a great time together and we're a family. I need to rechannel myself and focus where it should be, not where I thought it should be. thanks!

  22. #22

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Hey Don, you're right I shouldn't reach out anymore. The sooner I let go the sooner it will be just a distant, happy memory because I will choose to remember the time together and not the time apart. Negativity has such an influence on all aspects of your life, and I've seen it the last 6 weeks or so, and I don't like myself. I need to bring the positives to my life and family.
    But, I will always miss him, wonder about him and worry about him....that's just my personality. This whole situation has opened my eyes to myself and my life and what I want/expect from it...definitely a hard-life lesson to learn.

    Thank you!!

  23. #23
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Radrod, you are attracted to guys. It isn't going to go away. Now that you have an idea what its all about, you have to figure something out.

    As a young man I assumed I was attracted to women, or that I ought to be. Things weren't actually bad. Spending time with them was great. At one point I was planning a future with one, or at least dreaming of our future together because what 19 year old makes plans? Fortunately we broke up. Why fortunately? Because after that, I had the opportunity to figure out I'm gay. 100% of my being is gay. And by breaking up we avoided a heartache for us both. As good as we were together, I could never have looked into her eyes after 15 years the way a straight guy could. I could never have been 100% in that relationship. I could never have experienced the certainty of the relationship I have now with my guy. Knowing what I know now, I would never have gone through the motions with her because it was a waste of time for both of us, compared to actually being arm in arm with my guy.

    So we're both attracted to guys. The difference is, maybe you are equally attracted to women. I know I could never be the same with a woman, so I would never try. For you maybe this is still an unanswered question. There is a chance you are a bi guy who is overwhelmed and surprised to know you can have that same kind of connection with another guy, and that your connection with women is just as intense. If you can connect the same way with men and women, go and fix your marriage and have a happy life with her. Other attractive people are obvious whether you're married or single, whether they are male or female. Both of us are attracted to guys; neither of us has to cheat.

    But there is also a chance you are discovering what has always been true, what has always felt right, and that nothing else could compare. If that's how you feel about your attraction to guys, there is no going back. If so, you both need to be single so you can each find someone right.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

  24. #24
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Quote Originally Posted by Radrod View Post
    Now, I do love my wife, and our sex life is good, and we have a great time together and we're a family. I need to rechannel myself and focus where it should be, not where I thought it should be. thanks!
    And will you feel the same way when he tries to come back into your life? If you love your wife and family and have decided to make them your focus, you need to make that a definite decision no matter who else enters your life. Otherwise, you will never know stability in your life.

    I hope you can make your life with your family work. They are what is most valuable to you.
    Last edited by sixthson; April 6th, 2013 at 07:42 AM.
    Everyone wants to be heard. No one wants to listen.

  25. #25
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    The last thing you need is more shame or guilt. Someone who hasn't been in your shoes can't possibly know what it's like. I was married to my wife for 14 years. For 10 years of that marriage I got by with fantasy, but I felt eventually like I was going to explode if I didn't explore my sexuality. So I did. I'm not going to accept anyone's judgement of me. I've done enough judging of myself. There was something about being gay and being married to a woman that caused me to split myself into two halves. That stress of never being more than a half of a person is what eventually gave me the courage to end my marriage.

    Don't beat yourself up. If you decide to stay married take the advice here seriously. When I decided to leave I told my wife that I didn't want our good times to be those times I was between boyfriends.

    We are programmed by society to be straight and some of us gay guys can pull it off. I was constantly harassed as a kid by my own very large family and did everything I could not to be gay. I didn't have the balls or the personality to stand up to them. My advice to you is to be authentic. It's ok to be yourself no matter where that takes you. Best wishes.
    Last edited by Seasoned; April 6th, 2013 at 09:05 AM.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  26. #26
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Quote Originally Posted by Radrod View Post
    But, the sex was the most incredible experience! I don't know if I'll ever have those feelings again....
    You will. At this point, it is probably your destiny to be with a man.

    Just not this man.

    You're entitled to happiness. It's just that you need to make these decisions in a more rational (and less obsessive) frame of mind.

    You'll get lots of chances in life to find love and get laid. You don't get many chances to be a good Dad. If you want to make it work out for everyone, it's a decision you have to do with your head and heart... not with your dick.

  27. #27

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Thanks, Seasoned, for your perspective. Throughout my life I've had thoughts of what it would be like to be with a man, thinking this was just normal. You know, wanting to have what your not supposed to when you have everything else. It wasn't until now that I have had these feelings for another man. I still don't know if it's just because of the things he said to me that had me develop a teenage-like crush on him. Things aren't always perfect at home, after nearly 18 years, and I think he provided me with what I had been missing; attention, compliments, simple affection. Now, after reading all of the great advise and comments here, I think I've hit a point in my life where those things mean more to me than the actual sexual act! But, I suppose, in order to receive those things I need to give those things.
    I'm still confused, though not aching for him as I was just a short time ago. But I do miss him, or rather I miss the attention. I don't know which. That's where I'm at right now.
    Thanks for the insight, and the best wishes~

  28. #28
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    You poured out your heart and now know you're not alone. PM me anytime. Take good care of yourself.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  29. #29

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    He's right - you're not alone. JUB is, or can be a great place to talk, make friends, vent, ... You should stick around and join the community.
    http://www.justusboys.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic216959_1.gif

  30. #30

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Thank you, guys....you have no idea (or maybe you do!) how much better I feel, how clearer I'm able to think, and how I've been able to begin letting go just by being able to talk about this. I still have moments when the pit of my stomach begins to ache, but they are not as long, not as strong and not as frequent as before I came here. You really have been a great help....I just can't thank you all enough!

  31. #31
    PerScientiam AdJustitiam bankside's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Okay but please don't go away thinking you've "got this out of your system" or anything like that. You're facing a real, enduring and permanent part of your sexuality. And every human being has a sexual imagination that goes beyond just his wife or husband. There is no problem enjoying fantasies about other women, or other men. You should enjoy it.

    But if this part of your sexuality makes your hetero side seem like a distant memory or a bad dream, you need to be single for your sake and for your wife's. That way, you can both have a second chance.
    Americans need to keep their guns so they can protect themselves from gun violence just like Nancy Lanza did. And like Chris Kyle did. And like Gabby Giffords did. And like Tom Clements did. And like Michael Piemonte. And Joseph Wilcox.

  32. #32

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Thanks bankside, I'm not going anywhere. Yesterday was a rough day. Working in the yard all day, with nothing to do but think about him, was rough. I don't know what to make of it, really. I don't want other men....I want this man! Or, I just want to be treated the way he treated me, initially. I just don't know............................

    At least here I can see the issues other men face. It helps. But, I do wonder why no one ever seems optimistic about a situation. Is there never any hope????

  33. #33
    Porn Star Brian Smith's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Quote Originally Posted by Radrod View Post
    Is there never any hope????
    Yes. I was serious when I said that you might as well be going through withdrawal from a hard drug. It affects you physically, just like a hard drug. Think about your relationship with your wife. You know that you love her, but she doesn't make you feel good in a way that it's like you're losing good judgment. It just makes you feel kind of peaceful. You feel more rational around her, not less. That's the kind of love that you build up over time.

    This stuff that is making you feel those knots in your stomach is just nature's way of making sure we reproduce, only in this case you ended up falling for a guy. It felt amazingly good, right? Like you would never ever feel that good again? That's what people say about cocaine. Nature wants you to spread your seed, so it gives you something amazingly potent to get yourself hopped-up on to make sure that you do so. It's okay. It means that you are functionally approximately normally for a guy your age.

    When you have gotten over this and come more to your senses, please look into some literature on your situation. A lot of good material has been written about gay and bisexual men who are in opposite-sex marriages. Reading can be your best friend. It calms down your mind, and it makes you feel like you are doing something to help yourself...which is accurate because, if your material is relevant, you ARE helping yourself.

    It sounds to me like you are bisexual. It sounds like you are bisexual, and you are in a mature relationship with your wife. If you are in a mature relationship, like I said, read the literature. This could be the best time in your marriage. Couples your age, if they are willing to act like adults, spend this time experimenting. They get out and have adventures. Look, if two people want to get out and raise hell, two heads are better than one. You and your wife have been good. You have had a child, and you have raised that child right...right? You have taken your medicine and eaten your vegetables, and you have subjected some other poor sap to the same. You and your wife deserve to have fun. You have earned it ten times over. You need your share of sin, or you are going to lose your minds.

    But you and she have to communicate. Like I said, read the literature. It gives you the vocabulary and the concepts that arm you so that you are at an advantage. Don't listen to me, but listen to certified experts. I am betting you money that all of them, without exception, will tell a person who is in your situation that the best thing to do is, when you are feeling more level-headed, come clean with her. That's because you and your wife NEED to be on the same team.

    So yes, there is hope. But you're not going to find it here. You might find support here from people who have been or who are in similar situations to yourself, but hope is in the massive libraries of literature that have been written, by certified experts, for people who really want to help themselves. You just have to hunt it down. There is hope for you if you pursue helping yourself in a purposeful, coordinated way. While you are shaking off the consequences of this really dumb mistake, you need to try to get that gleam of purpose in your eyes. You need to get to where you can look in the mirror and see someone who is powerful. You need to get a messianic vision that you really can make this work. There is a vast storehouse of knowledge at your disposal. It can be done.
    Last edited by Brian Smith; April 14th, 2013 at 05:15 AM.

  34. #34
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Have you thought about therapy? Talking about issues/problems/feelings can lead to new perspective and or choices.
    Last edited by Seasoned; April 14th, 2013 at 04:56 PM.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  35. #35
    Kein Ayin Hara JUB Admin KaraBulut's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Quote Originally Posted by Radrod View Post
    At least here I can see the issues other men face. It helps. But, I do wonder why no one ever seems optimistic about a situation. Is there never any hope????
    Think back a few years to your first crush. How painful it was. How when it didn't work out, you wondered if you had lost the perfect person for you.

    What happens on a lot times when guys have their first male-male sexual experience later in life, they expect it to be more like the mature relationships they have had as adults. Often it's not. It's more like the crushes they had as teenagers- the same intensity, the same emotional ups and downs. What you're feeling is not too uncommon for guys in your situation.

    Since getting this all off your chest has helped you, meeting with a therapist and talking through this may be helpful.

  36. #36
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    @RadRod sorry about your luck who knows maybe this was a sign that now you knwo what you want and how you want to feel the person is subjective in this matter trust me quality comes in all shape and forms its up to you to let this be soo much of ur time trust me you found this once you will find it again,,,,, Be Well and keep a stiff upper lip and WALK AWAY... you can change anything dont be scared to let urself heal and walk away .... he already has !

  37. #37
    FEAR THE LIBERAL DETENTE! TX-Beau's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Kara makes a really good point. Straight people start learning how to deal with attractions and relationships way back there in Jr. High. Boys with same sex attractions don't generally start learning until they can't ignore it anymore.

    It's really easy to "fall in love" with the first guy - but that's usually falling in love with being with a guy, not falling in love with THAT guy. Straight people go through this a lot earlier.
    ATTACK OF THE LIBERAL ELITE

  38. #38

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Wow, Brian...I never thought of it like you say. Makes a lot of sense because yes, this is/was the first time I ever felt this way about another man. And, if I were to apply my feelings now to another woman, it certainly would appear as an affair gone too far with emotion.
    You've given me a lot to think about.....another reason why I'm so glad I came here with this.......thank you.

  39. #39

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Kara, actually I have looked in to seeing someone to talk to about this. Never having used therapy before, right now this forum is a huge help and I'm beginning to look at this as something I want to leave behind. I'll never forget about it or him, but at least the anxiety has ebbed and every now and then I can think about the fun times we had together and smile....without getting sad. If it doesn't start to leave my mind soon I will go see someone.

  40. #40

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Hey j, thanks for the input. You are right, if I want it to happen again, it will! One thing I did yesterday, being that he is involved in federal law enforcement, was send him an email. I just wanted him to know that in light of what happened in Boston I was hoping he would be careful and safe, just like I would every message we exchanged. But this time it seemed more of a "friend" message than a love message. Not sure if he even sees the emails I send, but I certainly don't wish him any harm. In hindsight I probably shouldn't have reached out, but I did and it didn't hurt the head and heart...

  41. #41

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Wow, Tx....falling in love with the situation and not the person...never thought of it from that angle. That helps, really does, thank you!!

  42. #42
    Porn Star Love me 2's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Just to make it simple and to the point....You are married, and have made a life-long commitment, and you have a kid...Don't ruin what you already have. Cheating is cheating even if you are Gay, Bi, or str8.

  43. #43
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    "What he has" is based on untruth. Yes, cheating is bad, but staying in the lie isn't better. In fact, it's worse to all involved.
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
    - Gene Wolfe

  44. #44
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Now that you think you may have fallen for the situation and not necessarily the person the question that you might want to ask yourself is this. Can I live a contented life without looking for a repeat of that situation. People make sacrifices all the time, but if they were to leave you resentful or longing or lead you to more sneaking around you'll become someone other than your true self. I still think you ought to sort things out with the help of a therapist. You are dealing with more than just insight and intellect. Feelings and emotions, and sexual needs and wants are also part of the equation.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  45. #45

    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    Seasoned, you've been so kind and helpful to take the time and reply.....thank you!

    Yesterday was difficult, watching the news and not knowing if he was involved in the law enforcement efforts in Boston.....but I got through the day. I'd think of him and worry but it would soon pass.
    I am, though, going to talk with someone. I need to hear answer, or questions, to my thoughts. I still believe that I'm mis-directing my feelings from my wife on to someone who gave me the emotional uplift just when I needed it most. I look at my wife and can't imagine any day without seeing her; and I get the same gut aching feelings if I imagine anything happening between us. So, I'm thinking that from feeling a little resentful of the lack of romance, not sex but those tingly little feelings, I chose to go look elsewhere. I want to have those moments at home, again. I need to find out how to do that, while getting over the thought of him.
    I just wish I could forget about him, or put the thoughts of him out of my everyday thoughts and into memory.

  46. #46
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: I don't know what to do!!! Follow my heart or my head....opinions wanted (long read, sry!)

    I'm glad you're thinking of therapy. That really is the first step. Try to put your focus there and try not to get ahead of yourself. I appreciate your kind words. I'm a fairly old guy with a lot of history. I'm content and happy most of the time, but it took and takes work. Good luck on your journey. Send me a pm anytime.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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