Im not copying you. I video captured this yesterday ;-)
My ideas of being nice to myself include-
1) Sleeping in
2) Buying something new or used for myself
3) Taking myself out to dinner
4) Calling a friend to get together with & who isn't all about sex (male or female)
6) Buying some new music or books
7) Watching a favorite TV show or movie
8) Calling my mom, dad, brothers, an aunt or an uncle
9) Enjoying some gay porn (I don't do straight so well)
10) Breaking out the anal toys
11) Posting on JUB
12) Getting a pedicure, manicure or massage (or any combination of the three)
13) Drinking a good cup of coffee
14) Going to a movie (if there are any good ones showing in the theaters)
15) Taking in a play or concert
16) Attending a sporting event
17) Going for a nice long walk by myself
18) Taking a nice long bubble bath
19) Sitting in a hot tub for a while
20) Planing my next trip
21) Shopping on eBay
22) Seeing my therapist
and most of all
23) Reminding myself why I stay clean and sober
All my best.
Last edited by Yuki Sohma; March 31st, 2013 at 10:01 PM.
I simply do not find myself to my liking. And it's not because I want to look like everyone else. I want to look like no one else at all. I want to look like only myself and I want myself to look awesome.
Last edited by TheSpectatingLoner; April 1st, 2013 at 12:28 AM.
You can bring yourself to appreciate what society "shits on" in terms of what it deems unattractive because you say you're open-minded. And yet you can't find yourself attractive because, according to you, you got shat on by people in society who did not care for your looks.
Why the disconnect? This makes very little sense to me. It's like you're willing to take a stand for others but not yourself.
As for looking awesome, say you could just wave a magic wand and look "awesome"-- what if, over the next few years, a bunch of people come along and tell you how horrible you look? Or that you're totally not what they find attractive? You'd be back to square one, because you let people define how you value your appearance. You've done it up to this point in your life.
Anyway, I was thinking of your taste...like if I could pin it down, generally. I remember you complaining once that you wish you could get 10s for your hookups, guys you consider to be "extremely out of your league." At one point, you posted a photo of some male escort you thought was a "10" and he looked like the epitome of conventionally attractive, some buff, square-jawed, Asian guy. Based on your celeb/athlete/JUB crushes, they all look very conventionally attractive too-- some hunky latino/black baseball players, Gael Garcia Bernal, Seghers. etc The only thing I can think of that would be unconventional is your attraction to little people. But I'm guessing that when you say you want to "look like your type" you don't have them in mind.
I don't want to look like Lanier, but I would totally dig a night with him. I definitely wish my body type were smaller, but that's because I've always admired the rocker types I run into day to day with naturally smaller frames and I like how things fit them, not for anything the media is selling me. I like guys who have naturally smaller than average frames.
The baseball players I put up are seldom crushes based on body type. They're usually just players who's skills I actually admire. I thought Jesus Montero had a pretty face and was excited for his major league debut, but that's about it.
Remember, celeb pics are always much more easier accessible than pics of the guy next door.
I do not like that my features aren't dynamic or striking. Even if they were traditionally "ugly" ones, something that isn't incredibly plain and boring would be nice.
I'm not saying I've never been attracted to a conventional male. The only conventional male I write off on sight is the ultra-conventional I'm-trying-all-my-best-to-be-"conventional"-male. "All-American" men with clean shaven faces, thin nose, thin lipped, plain conservative hair, big-ripped and no sign of actual creative personality. (see: the thread Adrian put up with bodybuilders in underwear a while back).
You know who I've been obsessed with lately? Keith Haring. Not conventionally attractive, and yet had a beauty that allowed him to insert himself in live performances and his own art pieces without issue:
As for the critiques I've gotten in my formative years, let's be real. The emotions you learn early in life may not make sense later on... but they're your emotion. They're not always logical, but it takes a hell of a lot to deal with anyway. So yes, I reject what a lot of society says now, but I remember every word of what I was told when I was younger and it does effect how confident I can be on a day to day basis.
If they did the question you would need to ask yourself is would you have sex with them? As mentioned their is a boundary between friends of all sorts and the line isn't or shouldn't be crossed.
I try to be tactful with friends but I have 1 or 2 that after a drink they think they are Gods gift to mankind thinking everyone would kill to have sex with them, they then procede to cut everyone down and say how they would never sleep with any of those people plus they never stfu over & over - their over active ego is hard to take and keep the mouth zipped. They really deserve to be brought down a peg or 2 but whats the use?
Its like a lot of threads on here that are mean spirited just to knock on other people. Lets say long hair, bad teeth (like anyone wants bad teeth just not many in the USA can afford $$$$$ of not insured dental work), smokers, social drug/alcohol drinkers or feminine guys. I am thinking when I read these post the guys that are shitting out their little "prima donna" bullshit are likely the guys that I wouldn't waste a blink of the eyes on in the first case so why even reply. So they may not like somethings but neither do you or I.
Lets say I don't like a guy who is into old show tunes and hes feminine, and over weight does that mean we are not or can't be good friends based on other interest and I don't value him just because I don't want to sleep with him? Nah, and tact and respect is the word not insults.
I find it sort of weird that friends straight or gay even get into these sort of topics unless a sort of unspoken hint of interest in body language, eye contact or subtle talk (flirting) was going on.
When you say you'd even be happy to look "traditionally ugly," I'm guessing you're not saying you'd switch places with someone like Steve Buscemi. I'm gonna assume you mean "Ugly-Hot" types with polarizing looks. Like, Daniel Craig, Jeremy Renner, Adrian Brody, etc.
Those types are hot in their own way but they can be quite bland at times, you are right. If they have an interesting/unique personality, that balances it out. My main issue is that they kind of seem forgettable in comparison to attractive people with off-kilter looks.
Anyway, I'm getting a sense of your ideal 'Guy Next Door' type. Small build and artistic. Not sweet-faced or 'regular pretty boy' types. Ok. Now, to look like your type...
Gotta say, you can't exactly change your build to be smaller unless you starve yourself but you can try to workout and improve your fitness. That's always a nice boost for the self-esteem. You can just get a more interesting/artistic aesthetic in terms of how you style yourself, right? Hairstyles/clothes/body-art/piercings. To look more like your type. That part is doable.
I want to look good naked. Styling myself, etc... compensation. Besides, my hair sucks and working out has never given me the look I want, because of my body type. If anything, working out has never been more than a distraction from things that bother me.
Now when I started these comments, I was having an awful day. I feel better about myself at the moment.
As for the hair situation, I know you've said that you grow very little facial hair and body hair but that's really not a big deal and it's very common for a lot of black and Asian men. The hair on your head, if you can't grow it out nicely, luckily you are a black guy and you can shave it all off or get a fade without anyone even finding it odd. Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a black guy look bad with a shaved head. Ngl, lol, but guys from other races sometimes look weird with shaved heads. Anyway, you can try applying castor oil for a while and taking Biotin supplements-- apparently they grow hair in faster and thicker.
Try to figure out what makes your "good days" different than all the other days you feel down about your appearance. I think that would help you, if you can pin-point certain positive things and then try to apply it to your "bad days" to get in a good place mentally. Like make lists/notes to keep track of the typical features of your "good self-esteem days" and "bad self-esteem days." Maybe you'll notice certain patterns you can work towards changing.
Last edited by thatgirl; April 4th, 2013 at 12:32 PM.
^sad she's gone.
In other news, both me and a good friend (and former co-worker) of mine are out of work as of last week. My friend (who is incredibly good looking and the kind of guy who makes me insecure because he's who I have to compete with in my line of work) didn't bother to start searching as soon as me. He's straight, but the first place he went to was a gay bar. In Chelsea of all places. The part of town that would laugh at me for trying to even drink at their bars, let alone work there. The manager looked him up and down and told him to email a resume and a body shot to the GM. I just KNOW he is going to get hired because he is so hot.
Meanwhile, my ugly ass is getting rejected time and time again at all the upscale establishments I've tried to apply. Basically places that claim to be doing an "open call" and interviews on the spot, see what I look like, and then decide they're "only taking resumes" and say they'll call me back. This is part of what makes me really question my worth even when folks try to say I don't look bad.
A new industry could be nice, but that's a story for another thread.
^ I read your posts and I can relate because I'm struggling with self esteem issues . Beautiful people are confident because they receive compliments from other people. Facebook for example, attractive people get more likes while those that aren't don't. I sometimes wish I was uglier so I could at least pass for ugly cute. I also noticed my need to be perfectionist. I don't know why but I have very high standards in everything I do and if I don't meet those standards I'm a failure. I workout weekly and when I look in the mirror I still feel like I'm a fat ass.
I recently applied for a job at my university and the interview went great in my view, but I found out I didn't get the job. I don't know why. It's one thing to be rejected by strangers but it another thing to be rejected by an institution like a college. It means that there is something really wrong with me.
I basically got rejected for a job because I wasn't good-looking enough today. The industry I'm in is definitely doing my self esteem no favors.
My self-esteem is pretty inconsistent, depending on what aspect of myself I'm thinking about. Sometimes I'm unhappy with my looks and how I interact with people. Other times I feel that people do 'get' me and I do leave impressions. I try not to think too deeply into either.
The thing that consistently makes me happy, however, is my artwork. I see aspects of myself in it that I love and understand. I get a sense of peace about things when I'm working.
Rejoice and Behold the pungency of my nuts for I have arrived!
Instructions in the listing said to write a few paragraphs about myself and insert a resume so I did. Was happy to get an email back with a time for an interview. I was so excited about this opportunity that I spent the night before researching German and Belgian beers so that I could knock this one out.
I get there and the GM does "group interviews" where she addresses a group at a time, telling us about the concept and asking us questions. She then asks me how to make a sidecar. I nail it. She asks me what's in a Brandy Alexander. I haven't made one of those in five years. I nail it. Negroni. Got it. Name five single-malt Scotches. Got it. Done.
I aced the interview and some others in my group clearly aren't doing as well as me. Including a hot guy from Australia (who could probably model) who's only been in NY for four months and doesn't know answers to hardly anything she asked. Couldn't name four red wine varietals or what was in a Rusty Nail. When the group was done being addressed, she claimed she's be calling back those that she picked in a few days. But as everyone dispersed, she pulls the Australian dude aside and says "wait here."
Now honestly, I get the whole nightlife type of thing and wanting beautiful people behind the bar. It sucks for me because I'm not the most good-looking, but I understand it. Thing is, most of those places will ask for a headshot or something. Had they done that, I could've emailed a photo of myself, they would've seen my ugly face and not wasted my time. Instead, they acted as if my resume actually mattered. THAT pisses me off. I wasted my time writing paragraphs about my experience, studying Belgian and German beers, only to be disrespected.
Honestly, I might write this bitch an email letting her know about herself. What a fucking cunt!
But yea... wrong industry. Old, average-looking Black man. If I get one more bartending job in NY, it'll likely be my last.
^ wowwwwww. Yeah, I totally see what you mean now. That is enough to piss someone off. If I were you, I would write a..."friendly" e-mail with 'suggestions' on how they can better handle the recruitment process so as not to waste anyone's time.
Your story is so unfair, and it honestly upsets me. I'm sorry.
Unfortunately, that's something you have to deal with when HUMAN BEINGS are responsible for who ultimately gets a job. And like you said, your industry does work against you. This may sound totally ignorant as I don't frequent clubs/bars/pubs, etc. anymore--but have you tried looking for positions in black-owned businesses w/ mostly black patrons?
If it were fair, some of the biggest assholes in the world wouldn't be enjoying wealth, fame, and good health. Instead, they would be broke and miserable...
But again, life has no favorites. It looks as though you understand that fact already, but your self esteem has yet to fully embrace it..
BTW:: Don't write or contact that lady whatsoever! Accept her superficiality and move on. Writing her won't change her mind, nor will it make her more altruistic towards life and people. She wanted a dumb beauty and she got one..
All the best!
Rejoice and Behold the pungency of my nuts for I have arrived!
^ My Gawd. He can make a sensible post.