It drives me crazy that sexuality/sexual orientation has taken up so much of my thoughts and the thoughts of so many. I'm sure without the abuse it would've been a struggle, maybe less or maybe more. I've searched for understanding and for answers in every avenue I could find except for searching enough within myself...
I've wasted so much time in my own head having an argument thats done nothing but go in circles for far too long. Time that I will never get back.
Acting out in anyway isn't healthy-but perhaps I never would've felt the need to act out in such a way had society as whole not put so much emphasis on sexuality. Perhaps I could've openly dated whoever I wanted and built something healthy with a number of people had the world not added to the shame I was already feeling.
There is no denying an attraction to women it's been there in the past and will quite likely be there in the future and there is also no longer any denying an attraction to men, sexually, physically and emotionally at varying times through out my life.
Whether that same sex attraction is some sort of side effect to the abuse or something that would've blossomed regardless is just something that I'll never really know-but so what? It's there and if I act on it in a healthy manner it causes no harm and should cause no shame.
I don't know why the world has made us feel that we need labels and I don't know if I'll ever be able to accurately label myself-some moments I've felt as though I'm gay-today that I'm bi/leaning gay-somedays that I'm bi-some that I'm straight and that any attraction is a result of the abuse...but I am who I am regardless of the label or the reason behind the attractions I have.
I've wasted far to much time, effort and tears on an issue that in 2013 shouldn't be an issue and I'm going to do everything in my power to not waste any more...lifes too short.
I've come out to a friend/ex girlfriend and it was such a non issue to her that it's felt incredible-to finally have someone in real life I can express all my thoughts to has been such a relief.
I can feel coming out to my parents is right around the corner, we've had discussions lately where I'm sure they suspect but the timing has never felt right.
I will be 35 shortly and have been increasing sad that I've struggled for so long-wasted so much time I've just reached a point where I can't do it anymore.