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  1. #1
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    I've been a coward and it's time to stop-coming out

    It drives me crazy that sexuality/sexual orientation has taken up so much of my thoughts and the thoughts of so many. I'm sure without the abuse it would've been a struggle, maybe less or maybe more. I've searched for understanding and for answers in every avenue I could find except for searching enough within myself...

    I've wasted so much time in my own head having an argument thats done nothing but go in circles for far too long. Time that I will never get back.

    Acting out in anyway isn't healthy-but perhaps I never would've felt the need to act out in such a way had society as whole not put so much emphasis on sexuality. Perhaps I could've openly dated whoever I wanted and built something healthy with a number of people had the world not added to the shame I was already feeling.

    There is no denying an attraction to women it's been there in the past and will quite likely be there in the future and there is also no longer any denying an attraction to men, sexually, physically and emotionally at varying times through out my life.

    Whether that same sex attraction is some sort of side effect to the abuse or something that would've blossomed regardless is just something that I'll never really know-but so what? It's there and if I act on it in a healthy manner it causes no harm and should cause no shame.

    I don't know why the world has made us feel that we need labels and I don't know if I'll ever be able to accurately label myself-some moments I've felt as though I'm gay-today that I'm bi/leaning gay-somedays that I'm bi-some that I'm straight and that any attraction is a result of the abuse...but I am who I am regardless of the label or the reason behind the attractions I have.

    I've wasted far to much time, effort and tears on an issue that in 2013 shouldn't be an issue and I'm going to do everything in my power to not waste any more...lifes too short.

    I've come out to a friend/ex girlfriend and it was such a non issue to her that it's felt incredible-to finally have someone in real life I can express all my thoughts to has been such a relief.

    I can feel coming out to my parents is right around the corner, we've had discussions lately where I'm sure they suspect but the timing has never felt right.

    I will be 35 shortly and have been increasing sad that I've struggled for so long-wasted so much time I've just reached a point where I can't do it anymore.

  2. #2
    Porn Star Brian Smith's Avatar
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    Re: I've been a coward and it's time to stop-coming out

    Hey, you're doing better than a guy who was late middle age before he came out. Believe me, it's extremely relaxing to be out. And don't worry about any thoughts that it's somehow "too late" or any crap like that. There are a lot of guys in their 60's who are looking for a permanent partner, and there are a lot of younger guys looking for older men. Plenty of fish in the sea, and plenty of time still for fishing.

    Congratulations!
    Last edited by Brian Smith; March 13th, 2013 at 10:50 AM.

  3. #3
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    Re: I've been a coward and it's time to stop-coming out

    good decision. i just started creeping my way out, and my only thought is why the hell didnt i do this sooner. its relieving, and most people really dont care and know you are still you.

  4. #4
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    Re: I've been a coward and it's time to stop-coming out

    Quote Originally Posted by Brian Smith View Post
    Hey, you're doing better than a guy who was late middle age before he came out. Believe me, it's extremely relaxing to be out. And don't worry about any thoughts that it's somehow "too late" or any crap like that. There are a lot of guys in their 60's who are looking for a permanent partner, and there are a lot of younger guys looking for older men. Plenty of fish in the sea, and plenty of time still for fishing.

    Congratulations!
    Thanks for the kind words..it is tough to imagine what I've missed out on but we can't focus on the past the important part is that I don't miss out in the future.

  5. #5
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    Re: I've been a coward and it's time to stop-coming out

    Quote Originally Posted by njcollegekid View Post
    good decision. i just started creeping my way out, and my only thought is why the hell didnt i do this sooner. its relieving, and most people really dont care and know you are still you.
    It sure is relieving! I feel like all the pressure in my head has been released and am looking forward to getting it all out there.

  6. #6
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: I've been a coward and it's time to stop-coming out

    I came out when I was 35. Congratulations and best wishes.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  7. #7
    FEAR THE LIBERAL DETENTE! TX-Beau's Avatar
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    Re: I've been a coward and it's time to stop-coming out

    Quote Originally Posted by willtate View Post
    ...I don't know why the world has made us feel that we need labels and I don't know if I'll ever be able to accurately label myself-some moments I've felt as though I'm gay-today that I'm bi/leaning gay-some days that I'm bi-some that I'm straight and that any attraction is a result of the abuse...but I am who I am regardless of the label or the reason behind the attractions I have...
    The "world" labels everything from objects to emotions. Language is just one huge exercise in labels. Such is the nature of the human species. We categorize, we organize. It's how we communicate.

    You don't have a problem with the vast majority of labels do you? So what is it about the ones that apply to sexuality that make you want to disown them? All of us who have been where you are understand explicitly actually, most of us have said the same thing at one time or another - and we have this discussion over and over again. Labels are not indelibly tattooed on your forehead, plenty of people who called themselves straight end up gay - in fact I'd say most of us called ourselves straight at one point or another, for obvious reasons. Obviously that was not impossible to change. So if you want to call yourself gay one day, bi the next, straight the day after, then wash rinse repeat. I think your friends will get used to it.

    That is going to shock some people in here, because in the past I would go straight to the cause of the label issue, which is of course, discomfort with your own sexuality - but that doesn't seem to be a problem in your case, you seem to be aware of it.

    It's easier to deal with who you are if you shelve the angst for a bit. The biggest secret about being out is that very few people actually care. If you don't know where you stand at 35, I SUSPECT that's an issue of internalized homophobia. That's incredibly common, you aren't unique or strange.

    I am curious about why you think that same sex attraction could be the product of abuse. What kind of abuse would alter one's sexuality? I don't mean that in a negative way, I'm not a Psychiatrist, I suppose it's possible (wouldn't that mean that reparative therapy is somehow possible), just never heard that before.

    In the end, we come out for ourselves - as you've discovered, because we just can't live like that anymore. So the only label that actually matters is the one you are applying to yourself - because you will only do that when labels truly do cease to matter, an you are fine with accepting one.

    The "world" is going to spin on doing what it does.
    ATTACK OF THE LIBERAL ELITE

  8. #8
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    Re: I've been a coward and it's time to stop-coming out

    Quote Originally Posted by Seasoned View Post
    I came out when I was 35. Congratulations and best wishes.
    Thank you I appreciate it.

  9. #9
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    Re: I've been a coward and it's time to stop-coming out

    Quote Originally Posted by TX-Beau View Post
    The "world" labels everything from objects to emotions. Language is just one huge exercise in labels. Such is the nature of the human species. We categorize, we organize. It's how we communicate.

    You don't have a problem with the vast majority of labels do you? So what is it about the ones that apply to sexuality that make you want to disown them? All of us who have been where you are understand explicitly actually, most of us have said the same thing at one time or another - and we have this discussion over and over again. Labels are not indelibly tattooed on your forehead, plenty of people who called themselves straight end up gay - in fact I'd say most of us called ourselves straight at one point or another, for obvious reasons. Obviously that was not impossible to change. So if you want to call yourself gay one day, bi the next, straight the day after, then wash rinse repeat. I think your friends will get used to it.

    That is going to shock some people in here, because in the past I would go straight to the cause of the label issue, which is of course, discomfort with your own sexuality - but that doesn't seem to be a problem in your case, you seem to be aware of it.

    It's easier to deal with who you are if you shelve the angst for a bit. The biggest secret about being out is that very few people actually care. If you don't know where you stand at 35, I SUSPECT that's an issue of internalized homophobia. That's incredibly common, you aren't unique or strange.

    I am curious about why you think that same sex attraction could be the product of abuse. What kind of abuse would alter one's sexuality? I don't mean that in a negative way, I'm not a Psychiatrist, I suppose it's possible (wouldn't that mean that reparative therapy is somehow possible), just never heard that before.

    In the end, we come out for ourselves - as you've discovered, because we just can't live like that anymore. So the only label that actually matters is the one you are applying to yourself - because you will only do that when labels truly do cease to matter, an you are fine with accepting one.

    The "world" is going to spin on doing what it does.
    I see your point. I really don't think theres any internal phobia because for a very long time I've been more troubled by my opposite sex attraction-my attraction to men seems more natural to me but the fact that I've often met or come across women that got my motor going has created more of the conflict..I'm not sure if that makes a lot of sense...

    I was sexually abused as a kid and many times a future affect can be same sex attraction or acting out in an effort to recreate the abuse so in the many many books and studies that I've read there are cases where people whose natural orientation was straight but the abuse led them to act out-that form of acting out was with "gay behaviour".

    Then theres also a ton of research about guys that were abused whose natural orientation is homosexual and the issues the abuse plays off on that.

    My point i guess is whether it's natural for me or there as a result of the abuse shouldn't matter-it's not something I should feel guilty of specifically if I'm not acting out in a manner that's harmful to me or to others...

    I am who I am regardless of the reasons and shouldn't be forced to feel shame for it...I get the purpose of labels but the need to select a checkbox has just compounded things I just finally want to live life being happy to be me.

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