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  1. #1
    On the Prowl Nate 90's Avatar
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    Relationships and Sex

    Okay, honestly I'm not a guy who tends to talk much about his problems. But I dunno, maybe if I try I might get a little perspective out of it.

    I've been with my boyfriend for about three and a half years. We're more or less absolutely perfect. We're completely in love with each other, do almost everything together, best friends, all of that, and I feel truly and totally blessed that he came into my life and I couldn't imagine living without him. There's only one real problem which I guess you've figured out already.

    When we met I was 18 and he was 24 and he told me that he suffered from a form of arthritis which affected his day to day life. This has never been a remote issue for me, and really it's nothing compared to some of the health problems I've had. Mainly his joints would get really stiff sometimes and he'd run out of energy frequently, so I'd massage him whenever he needed it and let him get plenty of rest. We'd still have good sex and all was fine.

    Over the past year or so his problems elevated a lot. He hurts more often than not and sleeps for long periods of time, and gets completely drained by little things like going for a walk. He's been to the doctors many times but they've been dicking him about a lot and just give him a huge bag of painkillers that make him even more tired. Naturally this has been a blow to our sex life. We whack each other off once in a while, and have full on sex I'd estimate maybe once every three weeks to once a month, not really sure. He's been great about offering to get me off whenever I want it, but I'm the kind of lover who can only get off properly on bringing joy to the other person, like their enjoyment is dually reflected on mine. Plus now when we do try and have sex I'm terrified that I'm gonna hurt him which makes it even harder to get into. I'm quite intense and passionate in bed usually and that won't do right now.

    So he's frustrated and gets really down about it sometimes, and I'm frustrated with an additional feeling of guilt because I know that the situation is worse for him than it is for me. I'm spending more time watching porn and camming (which he's always been fine with, would never do it otherwise) which can get a little boring and sometimes leaves me with a bit of shame.

    Not sure why I started writing this actually, haha, I guess I just don't have anyone to talk to about it. Neither of us really have a lot of close friends besides each other.

    Thanks for reading.

  2. #2
    JUB Addict Maklaar13's Avatar
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    Re: Relationships and Sex

    Hello. It is always a good idea to let your problems out, not only do you release some stress but also you may get some unexpected advice that could help you a great deal. The most important aspect of a relationship is the communication between the partners, we have been together almost 30 years and are never afraid of talking about everything. About 20 years ago my health declined terribly and there was a long period of uncertainty and depression. It turned out that I had developed fibromyalgia, it took a long time for the diagnosis to come and in the meantime I was put on every medication imaginable, most of the medications sucked the little energy I had and I spent a lot of time sleeping off the side effects and when awake I could barely function.

    Our sex life took a serious hit because of the medications and furthermore, I could not do much or even be touch by anyone because it would cause terrible pain that would last a long time, even a simple hand shake or embrace could produce long term pain. I stopped working out, felt completely useless and found comfort on food, therefore I go fat which made things even worse. My partner stood by me and comforted me throughout my ordeal, even when I was at my lowest.

    After years of medications and treatments that were absolutely useless I decided to take back control of my life. I started working out again, of course, very slow and carefully because I still have the illness. My reason for my renewed desire to live was that there was not any treatment or medication that could take away the pain other than heavy painkillers that would make me sick and make me so tired and sleepy that I would spend all my time in bed watching television and only being a shadow of the vibrant and happy person I used to be. I got control back in my life. I stopped all the medications, a lot of them had unwanted sexual side effects. I lost the weight, regain my confidence and my sexuality and although I live with the pain, every day, I am now in control. I went back to work, got my career back and always find time for sex.

    Some days are better than others, however, I still have a great sex life and I make sure to not let the pain get in the way. Sometimes when we are in the middle of a great fuck I am fully aware that my legs or my back are in a great deal of pain but I have learned to push it aside. Other times I know that a certain position or sexual escapade have the potential to produce a lot of pain and discomfort later on but I still do it. One must realize that if the pain is not going to go away, then one must learn to live with it, yes there will be limitations but it is important to remember that you must live, love and have a good time. Hope this helps you cope.

  3. #3
    JUB Addict racer2438's Avatar
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    Re: Relationships and Sex

    To start, a good pat on the back for you as you seemto a honest and loya lperson.

    I met my honey when I was 18 and he was 24 also. That was 28-1/2 yrs ago and we are still together. But we have also had some health issues big/small and we never left each others side, stay the whole time in er rooms, stayed in room until visiting hrs over and so on, nursed at home..

    But it's those times that really bonded us together that much more, it drew us deep in side our selfs. But worked for us, not all can do this. And tension/strain/anger/wondering eye and so on can make the best of us weak.

    You may want to get more involved in his health needs and ask to come to drs appt, if your not already and ask things he may not be asking, medicene interactions, other optional treatment. Love will conquer many things, so it's what you feel your needs are and can he give them to you, I sure there may be some doubt in your mind with the "what if", so talk it out with him. See what can be done.

    My honey has some really bad knee's and back, and at times we don't gt to do much. But I could never walk away(that just me) I have a serious Psoriosis issue he's never walked away from me.

    So really have a good open honest disscussion, it make you both feel better in the end.
    You cant change the way the wind blow's, but you can change the angle of your sail to take you somewhere else!!

  4. #4
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Relationships and Sex

    I'll add to the chorus of those advocating communication and honesty. I think some couple's therapy might also be in order. For you to be comfortable with your sex life it's going to help if you know he's honest with you about pain, positions, activities, etc. once you allow him to communicate for himself you might be better able to enjoy the moment rather than worrying about him. Best wishes to you both.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

  5. #5
    On the Prowl Nate 90's Avatar
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    Thanks for your replies. I guess these situations are actually pretty common, and it's ultimately a good means of determining which relationships are truly built to last. It's great that guys like you Maklaar have that kind of willpower and desire to rise above the shit that life deals, and rather lovely that you put up with it in order to give pleasure to your man. And conversely men like Racer who will always go that far for the one they love. I think we'll end up that way ourselves, since this guy is a once in a lifetime catch.

    Maybe I made the situation sound worse than it really is. We're quite blissfully happy with each other really, and do communicate about all our problems. I just don't like to always push the sex issue too far, since I know he's not happy with it either and I don't wanna hurt his feelings. It's sort of a personal thing for me too, because I have a lot of problems with confidence and my performance in the sack is something I've always felt is a strong attribute, hehe. Get a bit burnt out on the guilt of thinking about ploughing other men all the time (not that I actually would).

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