You And Your Father

[MrRochesterNY]

How did you feel about your father, as you were growing up? Did you get along ? Was he there for you?

How do you feel about him now? How do you think he feels about you? Does he know your orientation? Does he accept it and respect your identity?

[BENDERBOY]

Fucked off when i was four, horrendous human being.
Dead now.

[glasvegas]

He's alright but he always absent in my childhood because he works in overseas. We don't get along well as I find him annoying and stubborn and doesn't listen to anyone. Is he there for me? Yes, physically, no mentally. He basically just left me out there alone with my brother when my mum died and telling to do this and that even I am having a huge exam. I don't blame him but it is what it is. No he doesn't know I'm gay, I am waiting to be financial independent then I will tell him

[JockBoy87]

My closest family member is my dad, and yes he's always been supportive.

[ronboy]

How did you feel about your father, as you were growing up? Did you get along ? Was he there for you?

How do you feel about him now? How do you think he feels about you? Does he know your orientation? Does he accept it and respect your identity?

Well, Dad and I weren't particularly close growing up. He worked horrendous hours, leaving before 7:00 AM, and because he was plant manager, he often didn't get home until after 7:00 each night. A 7:30 PM dinner was regular time for us! Because of that, I couldn't participate in scouting, sports (we only had one car, and Dad had it), or any activity that required parental support. My mother was a saint about the whole thing. Dad would come home, we'd have our late family dinner, then he would sit in his chair, and fall asleep watching TV. I loved him, he provided for everything, but work took most of his time.

Things got better as I grew up. After he told his company to "take this job and shove it" he went to work for a smaller company, and was earning more and has less supervisory responsibility. He was there for school events and for my mother, brother and me.

When he found out I was gay, he was, at first, distant. It took him a while to accept. It didn't come out until after my boyfriend Vincent's untimely death. When he realized the depth of my relationship with my long-time friend, he came to accept it all. When I got close to Dave, Dad accepted him as my lover and a third son. When things went sour with Dave, Dad was very supportive and understanding. And I think he was a little hurt too, because he genuinely accepted Dave as my partner.

Since my mother's death, Dad and I have a good adult relationship. He does accept me for who I am, and worries that when he eventually joins my mother in death, I will be without a mate. I keep telling him that I will find a nice guy to settle down with. He worries that I am getting older, and it might not happen. My brother is married (and straight). So I am the one who Dad worries for. As he gets older, he is getting more and more like his father, my grandfather. And I really like that, because i was close to Grandpa, a tough old Sicilian immigrant, when I was young.
I like where we are in our lives now.

[maxpowr9]

I would not care if my dad died and that is my confession.

[crimsonpaine]

My dad and I have our moments, but I will say we get along fine and are pretty close. I am not out to my family. I don't know what they "know" or "suspect" so I can't say how supportive he would be.

[tigerfan482]

My dad is a very good person. He's always been supportive of me and has helped me along the way. He is very familiar with my orientation and has been very supportive. He joined PFLAG when I came out to my family and worked very hard to understand the issues I would face. I am lucky to have such a supportive dad, especially since I realize some people didn't get so lucky.

[refujiunderground]

my father and me are not, never have been and never will be close even though i've known him all my life and stayed in the same home as him. dealing with him is and always has been difficult which is why i avoid him. he's one of those people which feels that the world evolves around him and treats people like objects. there's really no geniuneness in there with him at all where he actually cares about the people around him because he doesn't. i don't think he even cares about himself. he thrives off of others which is what he's good for. he's a good actor, manipulator, liar and someone who is NOT to be trusted period. just now when i was going down to the kitchen to wash my plate after eating dinner, he just tells me "when you go down to the basement, go and get me some water". i wasn't even planning on going downstairs but yet the way he talk to me like i'm a fucking slave or a maid or something. no respect for anybody. all he's doing is have his ass sitting in a chair staring away at the tv.

he also likes to overexaggerate his importance, acts like his opinion or whatever he says is important, likes to act like the people around him are idiots and he likes to take advantage of people. he been working the same job for how many years and yet he's broke. he always borrows money because he "never has any for work" but yet he spends all his money on lottery tickets and bullshit. that is somewhat of an improvement where he used to steal my money as well as my brother's when we were kids then lied to our faces about how it wasn't him. he talks about how he pays the mortgage but yet he can't even do that. he's just irresponsible and pushes his shit onto other people. i really don't care to be bothered with him because he's just fucked up.

i told him that i was gay and at the time, he didn't really give a fuck although he was talking about "you should date a woman first before you know" as if it was going to make a difference. other than that, i don't like him because he's an asshole. despite living being there in my life, he wasn't there as in he chose when he wanted to be a father. when he decided to make his presence known to me at 14, he did so in a way which validated everything that i had seen in my childhood that wasn't right with him. he was a fucking self centered bully that likes to control people so naw, i can't get down with that. i just hope that i don't treat my boyfriend and/or my kids like how he treated my mother, us and the people around him.

[peeonme]

I feared, respected and loved my dad. He was "old school" and very strict and would not hesitate to take off his belt and use it.
We never really had a conversation, it wasn't what dad's did back then I guess.
He died when I was 9 yrs. old, now he is a mystery to me, I know that he would never understand me being gay.

[Misaki]

To put a long story short, he died when I was 10. Even before then he wasn't there for me while growing up and we rarely if at all got along. I also believe that he suspected then that I was gay since he thought I "displayed gay tendencies" whatever those were, and even told me if I were he wanted nothing to do with me so, yeah.

[mbamike]

My dad and I were not terribly close. Some of that was mom's fault. He and mom separated when I was really young. All of her negative comments brainwashed me.

Anyway, they got back together, but I kept my distance. He is dead now.

[nate78]

My father has always supported my sexual orientation but the buck stops there in terms of his good qualities. He is an ultimate narcissist who truly believes that he is never wrong. He has said this to me numerous times over the years. He always has some self righteous excuse for not helping me when I need it no matter what form that takes. He refused to pay for college because he said my maternal grandfather always said he would do that. I needed to be admitted to a hospital for mental reasons about 15 years ago and he refused to pay for that because he said that my mother and I had plotted against him and specifically chose the most expensive facility just to stick it to him. He will do anything for anyone EXCEPT for my sister and I. It's always a pity party for him. Everyone has screwed him over: my mother, the government, Dan Rather (don't ask), LBJ, anyone connected to my mother, doctors, lawyers, "Jews", etc. yet he preaches world peace and claims to be a pacifist, anti-war, peace loving hippy. He hasn't worked in 25 years and makes money by filing nuisance lawsuits with my uncle, his brother, as his pro bono attorney. He spends a great deal of time writing letters boycotting businesses etc. who have wronged him in some way. He pulled a real nice one about 10 years ago by dating one of my friends behind my back for months only to have it broken off when she had him arrested for getting drunk and trashing her apartment. Oh and he's an alcoholic with an enabling married female friend who says "after all he's been through, he deserves to drink. He's earned that." Too bad he's a mean and abusive drunk partial to smashing things. All in all he's just an awesome guy. My poor mother, how she stayed married to that man for 15 years is so beyond me. She always thought she could do better and he would come around. Typical emotionally abusive ass. Wow, don't know where all that came from. Thanks for letting me vent. Lol

[Thynight]

He "died" during childbirth.

[loveguys72]

My dad and I were very close when I was growing up. Like Ron's dad, my dad worked long hours, sometimes six days a week. Still, he made time for me when he was home, and we would take drives all over LA (Dad loved to drive), exploring and seeing different parts of the city. He was pretty old school, though. When my brother came out, he was not at all accepting, so I never came out to Dad. He's been gone 15 years. I wish now I'd have told him. I'd like to think he would have handled it differently with me than he did my brother, and he would have known me for who I really am.

[sixthson]

He was a cruel, brutal drunk who beat us just because he could. He chose alcohol over feeding his children. While I was afraid of him, I never hated him. In fact, I wanted his love. Despite it all, I loved him. I think every young child instinctively loves their parents until a certain age.

He died when I was a senior in college and for some reason, unknown to me at the time, he always asked me to come home whenever I could fit it into my school schedule, even though a few of my other brothers lived close by him. During the two years he was dying, he was very nice to me and once told me he loved me. It felt very awkward. At 20, I didn't know how to relate to him, since he had spent my lifetime not being a Dad. He gave me his watch, but never gave my brothers anything. It was like he was trying to be closer to me than the others. It made no sense to me until I found out why. A year after his death, at a family reunion, I found out my entire family, parents, grandmother, aunts, uncles, brothers and cousins knew I was gay. It was an ugly, humiliating scene with my uncle, the minister, condemning me to hell. According to my brother and his bitch of a wife, my dad had seen my bf and me in bed together kissing. I always believed if my Dad found out I was gay, he would have beat me up or tried to kill me, but by the time this happened he was already sick and dying. So, instead of being violent toward me, he was nice to me. He never even confronted me about what he knew. He told my brother and hi his wife, however. The bitch then told everyone else. I can just imagine how much she enjoyed turning everyone against me. She told me once that gay men were not real men. I had no contact with my family for 3 years after that. It was one of the most painful times of my life.

I puzzled over why my Dad was nice to me the last two years of his life, rather than being hateful like the rest of my family. I came to the conclusion that he blamed himself for my being gay. I probably have no greater regret than not being able to have discussed it with him. The irony was that this man who had so much rage and hatred in him while we were growing up, was the only one in the family to show me kindness and compassion. I think my father was miserable and took it out on us, but it had nothing to do with us.
There must be nothing worse than going to the grave with regrets for a life badly lived. I like to think my Dad made peace with everything before the end. He may not have known it, but he did with me.

[eastofeden]

My father was a sadist. He was an intellectual who enjoyed reminding everyone how stupid they were. For fun he would terrorize people ...he got off on it. He also loved to beat people down and watch them suffer. It made him happy. When he was done fucking with you...he made you "fix" him because he didn't like seeing the mess he made. He thought people were toys to use for his enjoyment. If you didn't fix him...he went into a violent rage. It was ugly.

I didn't like him and I let him know. He said he admired me because I am the only one who stood up to him. Bastard. The nice thing is he gave me a wonderful example of what not to become.

[Ryuukie]

Unfortunately my father died when I was 17. He never knew that I'm gay but I think he would have been all right with it. Neither of my parents were judgmental.

[Saybrooke]

My Dad and I are pretty close. And I think he's cool with my being gay now lol

We're not as close as Elron and his farther though ;p

[Sausy]

I believe Elroy never heard of the words" too much information"

Never really close to my father, though late in his life I understood him better. Never told him I
was gay, he probably had some idea but never broached it. He did his best with what he had, and knowing his parents
he didn't start with much. The thing about him that touched me most was seeing him in his last days so thin and weak and not looking anything like the feisty curmudgeon he often was. So chidlike, so happy when he was brought home from the hospital to spend his last days. My younger sister tried to make him smile and said after he had been put in a special bed in his old bedrooom " You're home, daddy!" He looked so much like a kid, wide eyed and happy, and cried" I'm home"! It was the week between Christmas and New Years late in 2010, and at least my sisters and brother in law could be home again with my brother and myself. My dad died shortly after noon on New Year's Day and though there are times I couldn't stand him he was still my dad, and once in awhile some humanity and concern emanated from him.

[Axxess]

Couldn't find a youtube version.

[HoodedRat]

My father was wonderful.
He loved me and fully accepted me.
He died just before my 23rd birthday.
29 years later I still miss him.

[EuroSoccer]

He was there.........physically.
And that's about it.
I don't want him involved in my life and I could not give a fuck what he thinks about me.

[loki81]

we pretty much fought all the time, occasionally physically.

wasn't so much a gay thing, but my dad is hyper controlling and could never really get over the fact that I would have rather played Dungeons and Dragons in the basement with my friends than try out for football.

after I moved out, things got better and he stopped trying to control me so much (or at least, held back his complaints until I was out of the room). we're not super close or anything, but we can sit in a room and have a conversation without it devolving into a shouting match nowadays.

I think becoming a grandparent really mellowed him out.

[palbert]

He did his best as he saw it and I understand that now. He is dead now and all is forgiven.

[crimsonpaine]

^ I think that has a lot to do with it for a lot of people. My boss has grandchildren, and has said on many occasions he's mellowed out since they arrived, and that he is finding a different way to look at things, life in general and is a better person because of them. Which makes me happy because he has told me, and I have heard, the kind of person he was before, not that I couldn't handle that, but I enjoy working for him as he is now.

[loki81]

^ I think that has a lot to do with it for a lot of people. My boss has grandchildren, and has said on many occasions he's mellowed out since they arrived, and that he is finding a different way to look at things, life in general and is a better person because of them. Which makes me happy because he has told me, and I have heard, the kind of person he was before, not that I couldn't handle that, but I enjoy working for him as he is now.

it's funny because it was the same way with my grandfather and my dad.

by nearly all accounts, my grandfather was a righteous asshole... growing up, he only let my dad own 2 pairs of pants (one set for church, and one set for school... the one time my dad used money from his part-time job to buy his own clothes, my grandfather made him return them)

but by the time I came along, I just got the kindly old guy who'd make me wooden swords in his workshop and take me raspberry picking on his farm.

[HunterM]

ElroyAuto,
Where are you? Here's your chance to share your story.

[MrRochesterNY]

ElroyAuto,
Where are you? Here's your chance to share your story.

Oh, please no! Elroy should stay in whatever hole he is in.

These stories are illuminating, often touching, and maybe in some cases help to explain our life choices. Thank you all for sharing.

[Omni20]

Didn't have a father so that's why I might have a daddy issue...

[bankside]

My father is no longer with us. He was very much a "do as I say, not as I do" kind of person. Sadly, what he said showed a lot of character.

[Yooper]

My father died when I was an infant.

My mother's second husband, whom she married when I was three, is an idiot (you may insert more colorful language here should you desire). That marriage lasted 13 years and the divorce went on for 17. Some people shouldn't have children, he was (and still is) one of them.

As far as I know, he's still alive, living in some desert location in Nevada. I think in a mobile home.

[star-warrior]

My dad's been gone 14 years now, and my mum close to a year and a half. I miss them both very much.

[earlgrey]

Unemployed, and does nothing all day but leech off mum and have tantrums. Couldn't care less what he thinks.

[Nishin]

Is it really a coincidence that almost all the fathers in this thread are deceased or uncaring ?
This really gives fuel to the absent father theory and makes one wonder ...

[Rickrock]

My father is okay. Sometimes he worked long hours, but did have some time for the family and for chores and treated my mother and the family well. Sometimes he asked for my help with chores, and my parents liked to take long family drives (including us kids) on weekends when they could. My father is elderly now and needs a little help which we kids give him. We love each other but don't really show it. I never came out to him and don't know if he knows or not.

[samsonb1]

My dad is the best dad ever. Even though it was difficult to accept me for who I am, he did. So I am doing my best in everything I do so my dad would be proud of me.

[kevbo]

My parents were divorced, and I grew up with my mom. We didn't live in the same state, so I didn't see him too often, as a child. We've always been cool, and despite him taking my brother and sister, I'm still certain that I'm the favorite.

[LeicsDom]

Not close but not alienated
Not that I ever would, but he would be there for me if I wanted him
He is pussy whipped by my Mother, but in a fairly benign way
As with most kids of my generation, he was pretty much a part-time parent
We hardly saw him during the week but he was there at weekends
We never REALLY connected, probably because he divined at an early age that I was not a 'normal boy', I didn't like sport or laddish things. We have never, ever been for a drink or done anything, just me and him, away from the home

[vidarr]

My dad and I don't talk very much.
I think there are times when he wants to say something to me, but then loses his nerve.
While he wasn't the greatest dad growing up, now that I'm an adult I think he sees that I've changed for the better.
It's tough cause I've always wanted to be closer to him
but he's not good at expressing himself.

[travis82]

My father and I are not close at all. We never spoke a word to each other.

He's like a stranger in my life.

I'm much closer to my mother though I'm not a mummy's boy.

Sorry, this isn't me trying to badmouth my father.

It's just that he spends most of his time working, so I don't really get to spend time with him.

Also, he doesn't really know how to express himself.

I do think he's a good father but he's much closer with my brother and sister.

I just don't really connect or share any tight bond with my father.

[Sparky-Sparky-Boom-Boom]

Nevered met him.

[LeicsDom]

Is it really a coincidence that almost all the fathers in this thread are deceased or uncaring ?
This really gives fuel to the absent father theory and makes one wonder ...

If you are implying that an absent father is somehow the cause of us being gay then you are barking up the wrong tree.
To give any credance that that theory you have to subscribe to the crackpot idea that homosexuality is nurture rather than nature. And that most certainly aint true!

[TheSpectatingLoner]

I definitely have some deep-seeded anger issues with both of my parents (though especially my dad). I do love him, but there are things we probably should speak about that we haven't. I wish my childhood had gone differently, but I try not to focus on all of that now that I am an adult. Right now, I have a habit of going to Phillies/Sixers games with my dad when I'm in town. About all the bonding we do.

He has a business that he has created and would love to turn over to me, but think that working with him and living in my hometown would make me incredibly unhappy. It's not an issue now, but I see it being one as he gets older, unless my younger brother shows some interest.

[M10000]

He was a science teacher. He died in 2000 after 3 bouts with cancer.

In 1983, when I sat my mom and dad down to tell them I was gay, his response was "Is that all? I thought you wanted to be a girl" (I was relieved ut was I really that fem? I guess so, at the time)

He would put white styrofoam on all the windows to save heat. It was embarrassing as to why the windows of the house were white from the outside. I was always embarrassed by him.

We didnt have much in common. I grew up and I remember him always being in the garden.

He would pick up hitchhikers who looked like Charles Manson

For those who know the border to the USA, there is a 1000 ft hill when going back to Canada. If we were lined up, he would make up rock the rock while sitting inside to get the car to roll down the hill (while we waited in line). He would turn the car off at stop lights

He always called me "dear" which I liked.

[subbtopp]

Well, Dad and I weren't particularly close growing up. He worked horrendous hours, leaving before 7:00 AM, and because he was plant manager, he often didn't get home until after 7:00 each night. A 7:30 PM dinner was regular time for us! Because of that, I couldn't participate in scouting, sports (we only had one car, and Dad had it), or any activity that required parental support. My mother was a saint about the whole thing. Dad would come home, we'd have our late family dinner, then he would sit in his chair, and fall asleep watching TV. I loved him, he provided for everything, but work took most of his time.

Things got better as I grew up. After he told his company to "take this job and shove it" he went to work for a smaller company, and was earning more and has less supervisory responsibility. He was there for school events and for my mother, brother and me.

When he found out I was gay, he was, at first, distant. It took him a while to accept. It didn't come out until after my boyfriend Vincent's untimely death. When he realized the depth of my relationship with my long-time friend, he came to accept it all. When I got close to Dave, Dad accepted him as my lover and a third son. When things went sour with Dave, Dad was very supportive and understanding. And I think he was a little hurt too, because he genuinely accepted Dave as my partner.

Since my mother's death, Dad and I have a good adult relationship. He does accept me for who I am, and worries that when he eventually joins my mother in death, I will be without a mate. I keep telling him that I will find a nice guy to settle down with. He worries that I am getting older, and it might not happen. My brother is married (and straight). So I am the one who Dad worries for. As he gets older, he is getting more and more like his father, my grandfather. And I really like that, because i was close to Grandpa, a tough old Sicilian immigrant, when I was young.
I like where we are in our lives now.

Best acoount ever

[andyspete]

My Dad is really a good man and has always meant well but he was basically absent for me when I was a kid. When he'd come home from work, he would ask my brothers and me if we'd had a good day. We would always say, "yes", and he would say, "that's good". Then we would have dinner and he would get up and go in the den and watch TV for the rest of the night. So we rarely talked. I developed a lot of anger towards him because I yearned for his love and affection and never got it. When I was a teen, my anger grew and I decided that I wouldn't let him love me even if he wanted to. I would avoid him and give him the silent treatment. I was very passive aggressive about it. Don't even know if he knew I was punishing him.

I'm sure he loved me and still does but he never could express it. He experienced rejection from his own father and wouldn't let anyone close to him, not even his own sons. I used to think he didn't love me because he never expressed it like my Mom did. I grew up believing that something must be wrong with me for a father to not love his own son. My whole heart's cry when I was a kid was to have my Dad love me and I never felt like he did until I was grown. Too little, too late though.

We are okay now. I see him often and can carry on a conversation with him. I don't harbor the extreme anger that I used to towards him but I still do have a little bit of anger towards him. Today, he would gladly do anything in the world to help me if I asked him. Like many of you have already mentioned about grand kids mellowing men, that applies to my dad too. Now that my brothers and I are grown and they've given him 4 grandchildren he seems much more nurturing and caring than he ever did when I was a kid. He will even occasionally hug me now. I used to crave his hugs and never got them. Now I cringe when he touches me. I try my best to not feel like that towards him. I want to be kind to him and I am but now I see that I've become a lot like him in some regards.

Now, it is I who won't let people close and have to keep people at bay fearing that if I let them too close they're going to hurt me. I heard a wise saying once: "We teach what we know but we reproduce who we are". I now realize that my father's inability to express his love had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own issues. Unfortunately, without even realizing it, I have become very much like him. I'm still that little boy inside longing to be loved by his father and have no clue on how to fill that hole in my heart. The damage has been done.

I've been with numerous men through the years but never let any of them but so close. When I feel like they're starting to get attached to me emotionally, I end it. Therefore, I'm a grown man who's never really been involved in a real relationship. Just like my dad, I feel like if I let someone in, they're going to end up hurting me. Sadly, I'll never have grand kids to mellow me.

Damn! Didn't mean to write a book or to even have all these feelings. I will likely regret writing all this stuff later.

[centexfarmer]

My Dad is my confidant, my friend, my connection to family members now lost and gone, and the first person to get into someone's shit if they have a problem with "the gays."

I love him!

[Pianist]

When I was much younger, I was afraid of him. Then I stopped being afraid, but knew he was not someone I could go to for any sort of emotional support.

[dereperez]

My biological dad left my mother and us when I was about six. Don't have too many memories from back then but we still keep in touch and meet up once in awhile. He is sort of just there and I really don't have much of an emotional connection with him. I used to resent him for leaving us but I pretty much got over that and just accept it as what it is. My step dad is more or less deadbeat. We see each other during the holidays and go through the motions and niceties and that's about it. Don't think he really likes me and the feeling is mutual.