Hopefully you can help me make sense of this.
I'm in a happy, long-term relationship. Best either one of us has ever been in, actually. Great sex, great humour, great love, appreciation, affection and great communication. We are open and honest about everything. Except for one thing: porn.
That is to say, I'm quite open about watching it and make no effort hiding that fact from my boyfriend. No need for that anyway, since he's totally fine with me doing so and watches it himself too sometimes, he says. Thing is, though, that it's the only subject that he doesn't really want to discuss with me. It's been like that since the beginning of our relationship. At moments I've found that frustrating, because to me it seems just plain silly to veto a subject that I have no qualms with. I only see plus sides to being open about the porn we watch: you get to know each other better, bring you closer, and it can even spice up your sex life if you can sometimes enjoy it together. I'd love to see him get hard on something But he says it's kind of like his diary: private and none of my business.
One has to respect that, right? Well, even though I don't agree that boyfriends need to be so secretive about it, I've always respected his outlook on the matter. Up until recently. About a week ago we got into this great talk about some hot porn we both saw on the internet. He was really open about being into this "totally hot" porn star, which I thought was great! And it also got me really horny... so I asked him if he could show me the guy. He somewhat reluctantly did. We looked at the guys blog for about 60 seconds (which I loved) and then my boyfriend closed it down again. I asked him if he didn't want to show me more, or that maybe I could show him some stuff. He wasn't in the mood, he said. And so I said that I had the feeling that he was simply uncomfortable with sharing this type of thing. He admitted to that.
We got into a conversation about it. Although it wasn't a fight, we really butted heads. He could simply not get me to understand why he felt the need to be so secretive about porn. His position was still that it's something totally private, mine being that yes, one can treat it that way, but more strongly felt that being open about it could only have positive effects. And after all these years I was also getting to feel a bit insulted. I'm his partner for crying out loud! That you don't share this stuff with your parents, OK. But c'mon, it's me! Well, we tried to understand one another, but couldn't agree. But there was one thing he said that really got to me and that I now hope he'd never said to me. He said that he was afraid that I would get insecure if I knew what I was watching.
We both agreed that porn is just porn and doesn't necessary reflect what or whom you're attracted to in daily life. It's like a fantasy. We both agree on that. But after our conversation last week, that comment of his has been going through my mind: why the hell would he think I'd get insecure? And here's the thing I hope you can help me understand: all of a sudden the whole subject HAS gotten me insecure! Before, I viewed the subject as something we just hadn't gotten around to seeing eye to eye about yet. But now I feel like he's hiding something from me. It's totally weird. Before, I was really OK with him watching porn but never sharing it with me, but now it almost feels like he's cheating on me. Like I've gone from looking at it like he was simply keeping something TO HIMSELF (for being ashamed) to looking at it like that he's keeping FROM ME. Really weird! And also deeply frustrating.
I've tried to talk to him about the way I've started to feel, but he is getting annoyed by me bringing the subject of " porn" up too often now. Maybe he's right. But I don't really understand why I've started to feel so differently about it and why I am all of a sudden - after many years no less! - no longer comfortable with the idea of him watching porn.
Can you help me make sense of this?