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  1. #1
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    Relationship Advice

    I just recently got into a relationship with this guy. It's been 3 months already and he is a good guy and thinks the same about me. Lately I have been having second thoughts about this because he's really not one to take initiative. I have to decide what we are doing for dates, i have to initiate conversations or Skype dates and I have to do the nice gestures (such as meaningful gifts) and he wants to give me a gift but has been stumped on what to get me. He also seems a bit like a pushover. Everything I do is "perfect". I really am not perfect and I have flaws. Am I wrong for wanting him to take initiative or for thinking he is a pushover? And yes I have talked to him about it but his answer is always "well what do you want me to do about it?"

  2. #2
    Impish and Mercurial Rolyo85's Avatar
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    Re: Relationship Advice

    And your answer should be "well, I know you have opinions, and I would be really interested in hearing them". Other than that, some people just don't care what you do on the date, as long as you're together. But if you want a guy who will take the initiative, maybe you have picked the wrong one?
    That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
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  3. #3
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    Re: Relationship Advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Rolyo85 View Post
    And your answer should be "well, I know you have opinions, and I would be really interested in hearing them". Other than that, some people just don't care what you do on the date, as long as you're together. But if you want a guy who will take the initiative, maybe you have picked the wrong one?
    He suggests going to the movies and eating out all the time. I'm OK with just seeing him but I would like to do more than that. I feel like it's only been 3 months and maybe give it some more time but I'm always second guessing myself.

  4. #4
    Slippery When Wet
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    Re: Relationship Advice

    I'm not sure how old you guys are -- but I've learned that people don't change...

    My advice would be to concentrate on the GOOD and FUN aspects of the relationship and accept his lesser qualities as well...

    "Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it..." Goethe

  5. #5
    Shy-ster justanothershyguy's Avatar
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    Re: Relationship Advice

    Quote Originally Posted by swerve View Post
    I'm not sure how old you guys are -- but I've learned that people don't change...

    My advice would be to concentrate on the GOOD and FUN aspects of the relationship and accept his lesser qualities as well...

    I agree but wanna bounce that people may not change, but they do grow with some help, if they're willing.
    Author of Lost in a Dream. If you want to make me smile, read it and tell me what you think.

  6. #6

    Re: Relationship Advice

    You think your bf is a pushover...and he thinks you're "perfect"...I think your relationship is doomed. I assume by "perfect", your bf in inferring that you have an idealized image of what a bf and a relationship are and want everything "just so." You want him to be something he's not and make all these romantic gestures and give meaningful gifts (after only 3 months?), just like you do for him, however that's not in his makeup. (You should date yourself.) Perhaps he thinks/knows that things he thinks of won't live up to your expectations (dinner and movie isn't good enough) so why bother suggesting things that won't meet up with your expectations anyways.

    Look...if he's a decent guy and all else is good, then why don't you assume the roll of planner...he's happy with what you suggest doing, and mostly then, you will be too. Accept that he's a lousy gift giver too, as long as his heart is in the right place...material things shouldn't matter. If you can't take him for what he is, then do him a favor and dump him.
    Last edited by jaysizzles; February 24th, 2013 at 08:05 PM.
    Bad decisions make good stories.

  7. #7
    Banned chance1's Avatar
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    Re: Relationship Advice

    I understand the "he doesn't take initiative" thing - my ex. would do that sometimes and it used to bother me thinking that he didn't care enough to think of something fun for the two of us .......... so I get that and I think a couple should share what each of them likes with each other

    but the pushover thing i don't get

    sounds like he thinks you're great - and somehow that bothers u ? could be u have a real fan - and that's good

  8. #8

    Re: Relationship Advice

    Ok I might be missing something but it sounds like you want your boyfriend to be someone or something else. Does that about sum it up?

    My guess is that you initially liked the attention, i.e. the "perfect" comments, and the fact you were in charge of everything, i.e. his being a "pushover". Now, that the blush is off the rose, you are wanting something different but don't want to bother to look elsewhere. He may be a nice guy and all. He also may be the wrong guy for you. You may be the wrong guy for him.

    Don't get caught up in the drama of trying to form someone into what you want. I can tell you from personal experience, it simply does not work. It usually works out this this......you are never satisfied with the results. So you are always tweaking. He will either get tired of never pleasing you or just lose interest altogether.

    I don't know how old you are but you sound really young. Three months is not a lifetime. I'd mark it up to experience and start looking elsewhere. Remember, you are a gay guy. Gay guys are not bound by the rules of breeder world.

  9. #9
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    Re: Relationship Advice

    All of the advice sounds great. Yes it has only been 3 months but I like the to make our time count. As for the pushover thing, it's a really long story. People do change. I'm not forcing him to change and I really have faith in him. When everybody else wouldn't give me a chance he did. Yes I am the romantic type but a little romance in return isn't that much to ask for, some of the guys I dated before him did it. And for whoever told me to date myself, I'm not that narcissistic. We talked about it today again and he is willing to take some initiative so we'll see how this goes.

  10. #10
    JUB Addict racer2438's Avatar
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    Re: Relationship Advice

    Your issue here is that you guys just communicate well enough to really enjoy what a ltr is. A manin key to any ltr is communication w/o this you end up in the situation ur in now.

    have a good sit down talk with him about this, and pick each others brain as to where u guys are going with this.
    You cant change the way the wind blow's, but you can change the angle of your sail to take you somewhere else!!

  11. #11

    Re: Relationship Advice

    Nothing wrong with that, saves arguments. BTW gifts, while nice on occasion, don't really matter or count.

    I don't know how to put this, but is it a case of him never getting a chance to, because you never stop talking..............................

  12. #12
    I'm now a grandfather! JUB Moderator Seasoned's Avatar
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    Re: Relationship Advice

    Your differences could be based on personality or on behaviors never taught or learned. Long term relations require a lot of communicating. They also require figuring out one's needs and wants and the difference between the two. Your needs are fundamental and if they're not met resentment and worse results. Wants are not as critical, but our loved ones might be able to provide them but only if they know what they are.

    As far as your social calendar, you could ask to take turns planning, but then be prepared to go along with what he plans without complaint. If you are difficult to satisfy another option would be for you to suggest two or three things to do but let him chose and help with the arrangements and what to do before or after.

    Keep in mind that we are often attracted to someone opposite and therefore it might be natural for a couple to fall into specific roles. Communication is key. Good luck to you both.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

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