In need of some advice regarding boyfriends best friend.

[weeklyrentalbb]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now, getting close to five and he's got this one best friend of his that I don't like,and I mean I don't like this person to the point that hearing his name annoys me. The reason why I dislike him is because about 2.5 years ago they met and as time went on they started to grow feelings for each other. Their relationship was unknown to me until my boyfriend told be that he chose me instead of him. Nothing happened sexually, he just told me he started falling in love with him. As you can imagine it was hard news to take, but I thanked him for his honesty and we stayed together but that's when I began to dislike his friend.

After that they didn't talk for about 3 months but then started hanging out together again just being friends. That's pretty much how it's been since then. They hang out a lot and even get into weird arguments, etc. I know my boyfriend and I trust him. They really are just friends even though they go out to dinner all the time etc (almost exactly like a relationship (my boyfriend has boundary issues, but he's trustworthy)). The friend even called my boyfriend babe but I put a stop to that real fast.

But since that time, I've stopped liking his friend. I don't want to see him at all, and it's annoying to hear his name. And yes my boyfriend knows how I feel about him, even his friend knows how I feel about him.

SO the question is:
Am I being wrong to dislike him? I ask this because I just got a lecture from my boyfriend about them being best friends and that I should get over it because he isn't going anywhere. This came up because I didn't want to go dinner with him and his best friend. This isn't the first time either. It just got me feeling like I was crazy for feeling the way I do about his friend. I just need to know what others think because I think I'm reacting normally.

[HunterM]

You are not "wrong" to dislike your boyfriend's friend. You are entitled to your own feelings.

However, you need to be civil to him. When you are invited, you should go to dinner with your boyfriend and his friend. If you keep resisting to join them, you are giving his best friend opportunities to talk negatively about you behind your back...thus may influence your boyfriend's thinking about you in the long term. It's like the devil keeps whispering in your boyfriend's ears. Eventually, your boyfriend may believe the devil.

Yes, you should get over being angry about the friend.

[justanothershyguy]

I agree with Hunter and would like to bounce off of that.

If at all possible, despite what you currently think of your BF's best friend, I suggest you try to hang out with the best friend more (just you and the best friend). Hang out with him, get to know him, find out why your BF likes him the way he does. But remember, he's not competition anymore. Your BF already told you that and you trust him, so prove you trust him and try to be friends. If the best friend isn't gonna try, then that's something you can tell your BF.

[azare II]

Hey - I just read your post. You seem like a nice guy so I went back and read some of your old postings too. Seems like this same "boyfriend" has often gone against your wishes and my guess would be ....in more ways than you know. Could it be that one of the other guys he wanted to bring in as a threesome was his current best friend who he is going out to dinner and such with? You are there, and I am here, but you seem too trusting and nice. My guess is that there is a lot more going on in your boyfriends life than you know. The fact that he chose you (during a period of 3 months that they didn't see each other) but has now resumed their friendship together and he tells you to get over it cause the "friend" is not going anywhere.
I think you owe yourself a more trusting and satisfying relationship than what this guy will ever offer you. I hope you think about this as he has been treating you like this a long time judging by your post. You don't deserve to be cheated on.

[Durango95]

Ok I'm the devil's advocate in this. It sounds like your BF wants to have his cake and eat it too. He met this guy AFTER you were together. That is a BIG RED FLAG. If this was a childhood friend or a guy he's known for years that is one thing. I'd tell you to deal with it and try and make peace with it.

This guy is basically an interloper. He isn't going anywhere because he, more than likely, still wants your guy. Your guy wants him around because he likes the attention and quite possibly the tension as well. Go to dinner with them. The only way you are going to know what is going on is if you are there.

Every time "they" go somewhere invite yourself along. If it is only friends neither one will mind. Your being jealous and antagonistic fosters the situation for a potential problem. Keep your eyes open.

I know this because I used to use the "best" friends ruse to get next to guys all the time. Then I'd talk to the guy and then he'd confide in me about how terrible his boyfriend was and then BAM...in the sack. Mission accomplished. It works. It really does. I used it for years when I was a sex addict and sleazoid.

My final word. Ignore your feelings about the "friend" and go with them every time you can. If I'm right the "friend" will bail.

[sixthson]

I think it's a good sign that he wants to include you with his outings with his bff, but a bad sign that he seems indifferent to how you feel. This is not all about him, however. You are jealous and fearful and probably not 100% trusting of your bf, if you are to be honest. Do you think the bf believes if you hand out with them you might change your mind about the threesome?

Durango's last sentence in his post is something I never thought about and a good one. Kill the best friend with kindness and see how fast he takes a hike.

[Durango95]

O, there is one addendum. Does the BFF have a boyfriend too? If not that could be potentially problematic. I will say this too. In straight world this wouldn't be well tolerated. I'm just saying. No guy would allow his gf to have a potential boyfriend hanging around, let alone going out to dinner alone.

[Rolyo85]

No "right" and "wrong" about feelings, but you SHOULD get over it if you want to keep this relationship. Ultimately, if the story IS what you know, then neither of them was at fault for falling for each other, and they BOTH made the right - for you - choice. Your bf broke it off, and his friend accepted it and moved on.

You need to make an effort to get over your dislike of the guy. You liked him before, try to remember why, maybe spend some time alone with him, and be open about what's bothering you. If the three of you are to interact together, there shouldn't be elephants in the room.

That said, your bf has to also understand that the boyfriend HAS to come before the friend as a priority. If certain things really still bother you AFTER YOU'VE MADE THE EFFORT TO STOP DISLIKING THE GUY, he needs to accept that and act accordingly. You aren't a given - someone that just will stay there regardless of situation - and he should not treat you as such.

[Seasoned]

If something's exist is going to happen it will happen whether or not you hang out with him. Being everywhere with the two of them will make you co-dependent crazy.

Learn something from your boyfriend. Start hanging out with your friends without your boyfriend. Relationships don't have to mean being joined at the hip, in fact, they ought not be. No one ought to fade into a relationship. Two individuals create a third entity when they form a relationship.

[crushinonted]

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that your boyfriend cheated on you. Most people want to classify cheating as having sex with someone outside of the relationship, but emotional cheating is far worse, in my opinion.

You're not wrong for disliking this guy. You are wrong for thinking your boyfriend is trustworthy. Trustworthy boyfriends do not fall in love with other people and keep that relationship a secret until they've come to a decision. They also introduce their significant other to new "friends" long before the threat of falling in love could ever take place. Don't fall for the flattery that he "chose" you. It shows a total lack of respect that he keeps this guy in both your lives.

[weeklyrentalbb]

Thanks everyone, you've all given me something to think about. The friend is single as far as I know. I will try to get to know this guy a bit more, see where his intention really lie. I am civil with him, I just prefer to avoid contact. I've been wary that he still has feeling for my boyfriend and either my boyfriend is oblivious to it or he likes the attention or something else. Oh and no this guy isn't related to the threesome discussion. I ended that thought. I'll try to get to know this friend better and I'll see what happens. Thanks everyone!

[MorrisseyX]

I see red flags here, your boyfriend probably doesn't mind the attention his best friend gives him and it boosts his ego. I also think something sexual is going on between your boyfriend and his best friend but they don't want to tell you the truth.

Your boyfriend sounds like a guy who wants his cake and eat it to he has the best of both worlds. He could possibly be stringing his best friend along as well, who knows maybe they are an item as well?


The boyfriend is probably aware his best friend is into him and sexually attracted to him too.

I don't think your feelings are wrong at all you have a right to feel this way and I believe they are valid. It does sound like you have trust issues with your boyfriend though.

I think you should have a meeting and conversation with this other guy without the boyfriend around in a public place like a coffee shop. Try to take the high road and see if this best friend agrees to meeting up for a conversation to clear the air.

[ryanboy]

I would take a cue from the straight world where this sort of thing is not tolerated. Tell the best friend to get lost and tell your boyfriend you won't accept this sutuation any longer. Then let the chips fall where they may and deal with it.

[KaraBulut]

Thanks everyone, you've all given me something to think about. The friend is single as far as I know. I will try to get to know this guy a bit more, see where his intention really lie.

Perhaps you should set this guy up with one of your friends? It sounds like he needs something (other than your boyfriend) to keep him occupied.

[-Kane-]

Your boyfriend is cheating on you...

Leave him and start the healing process now.

[AngolaZee]

What utter bologny, now you have to tolerate the other guy and hang around him just to please your boyfriend and not to appear as an insecure part pooper. Just because your boyfriend is compatible with you does not mean his friends will be compatible with you too.

How much of your boyfriends time does this other friend occupy? Why would you wanna put yourself in a situation where you are now stressed and writing to a forum for second opinions? That alone tells you this is not a normal situation to be trapped in. Your boyfriend need to know to prioritise between his partner and his friends and that priority must be very obvious and clear for all to see

[genthree]

This is a very common situation.
The best way to demonstrate this is to look to our het brothers, the boys hang around in a group, play sport, socialise etc etc, then one of them meets a woman and the tug - of - war starts for his attention.
Of course this has to be discussed, the guys have lost one of their group, the woman has met a guy she wants (probably almost as much as some of his mates might want him) and it takes a long time to reach middle ground.
At this point we have accusations of him being pussy whipped, cunt struck etc.
So, you see, this is nothing new, be patient and talk it through.

[darklide634]

You are overreacting. You are jealous of something that happened 2.5 years ago... he chose you get over it.

[eastofeden]

Am I being wrong to dislike him? I ask this because I just got a lecture from my boyfriend about them being best friends and that I should get over it because he isn't going anywhere. This came up because I didn't want to go dinner with him and his best friend. This isn't the first time either. It just got me feeling like I was crazy for feeling the way I do about his friend. I just need to know what others think because I think I'm reacting normally.

I am just wondering if there are other reasons you dislike him. Alot of people play mental games with other people...really really common...as is this situation you are in. Either one...or both...could be consciously or even unconsciously playing games with you and it might not be apparent....

The best way to figure it out is to get a best friend yourself and then develop "feelings" for him and tell your BF how lucky he is that you picked him...and then continue your friendship with dinners, ect ect. afterward. The problem with this though is that you have to spend alot of time and energy and even play games yourself to get an answer. Instaead...do you have a guess at how he would react if that happened?...because there is your answer.

I don't think you are crazy at all. It is the way you feel and it is understandable given the circumstances. I wouldn't want to go to dinner with them either.

[ElmosToe]

Ok I'm the devil's advocate in this. It sounds like your BF wants to have his cake and eat it too. He met this guy AFTER you were together. That is a BIG RED FLAG. If this was a childhood friend or a guy he's known for years that is one thing. I'd tell you to deal with it and try and make peace with it.

This guy is basically an interloper. He isn't going anywhere because he, more than likely, still wants your guy. Your guy wants him around because he likes the attention and quite possibly the tension as well. Go to dinner with them. The only way you are going to know what is going on is if you are there.

Every time "they" go somewhere invite yourself along. If it is only friends neither one will mind. Your being jealous and antagonistic fosters the situation for a potential problem. Keep your eyes open.

I know this because I used to use the "best" friends ruse to get next to guys all the time. Then I'd talk to the guy and then he'd confide in me about how terrible his boyfriend was and then BAM...in the sack. Mission accomplished. It works. It really does. I used it for years when I was a sex addict and sleazoid.

My final word. Ignore your feelings about the "friend" and go with them every time you can. If I'm right the "friend" will bail.

O, there is one addendum. Does the BFF have a boyfriend too? If not that could be potentially problematic. I will say this too. In straight world this wouldn't be well tolerated. I'm just saying. No guy would allow his gf to have a potential boyfriend hanging around, let alone going out to dinner alone.

^^^^^ THIS

That was one of the first things that popped out in my head.
He became friends with this dude AFTER you were already in a relationship with him.

Think of it this way, would a woman allow her husband to be "friends" with the woman he almost cheated on her with...? (here's a hint, NO!)

how I would handle it: Either the friend goes or you go.

[franklinP]

Obviously you are just jealous of him because of what your boyfriend admitted but that thing is already a past and your boyfriend chose you. What they had now I believe is totally a friendship type of thing and not the same thing that he has with you otherwise your relationship would not last for five years or so.

You cannot just take away your feelings of how you hate his bestfriend but you should try to be more civil towards him. If you are asked to come along with your boyfriend to hangout with his bestfriend just try to consider going.

[ardys1]

I totally agree. Be civil and hang out with them sometimes so you will have a better of view of what's really going on. You would know if your boyfriend will act differently with you around.

[bankside]

I think back to a time when my basic human politeness was mistaken for romantic affection by someone, when I was already happily with the man in my life.

It took me a while to catch on to this guy's mistake, but I realised it, and being lousy at deception, and in a split second before I could compose myself, I know the look on my face and my bearing gave it away. Without any words I said "There is nothing for you here. Look into the depths of my being and where he sees light you will find nothing." And he knew that was it. I think the finality of it would have been unsettling.

The point is I have never had any ambiguity about the presence of my guy in my life. I didn't, but romance is a funny thing, and I accept that I could have. I accept that he could have. That in itself is not disturbing. Even now he doesn't owe me his affection, and if he turned to another he'd be welcome to go on his way. I suppose the same is true of me, even though I reject the idea.

But if I had struggled to understand or come to terms with the relationship with my guy, having once made up my mind, there is no way I could imagine disturbing him with any continuing association with someone else. I am a realist and a pragmatist and I don't believe in fairy tales. And he is my dream come true. If I had ever been confused about that for 10 minutes, I would now be embarrassed beyond words to even bring someone else around him for the hurt it might have caused, or even to spare him the effort of thinking it through.

I'm not saying a third-wheel friendship would be forbidden. Who knows, they might even get along together, and who am I to argue with a pleasant evening out to dinner? But at any time and at any moment, if my guy looked into my eyes he would see a light burning for him and know that anyone else would find nothing.

[niccolo1]

Hang out with them sometimes and you can judge for yourself if there's really something special going on.

[bankside]

I looked at some old posts of yours - is this the same boyfriend you were with a few years ago that kept trying to you into a threesome?

If so, he really still doesn't understand what you want out of a relationship, which is pretty normal for people in a relationship: to just be central in each other's lives. To be the main event.

[jarib1]

Thanks everyone, you've all given me something to think about. The friend is single as far as I know. I will try to get to know this guy a bit more, see where his intention really lie. I am civil with him, I just prefer to avoid contact. I've been wary that he still has feeling for my boyfriend and either my boyfriend is oblivious to it or he likes the attention or something else. Oh and no this guy isn't related to the threesome discussion. I ended that thought. I'll try to get to know this friend better and I'll see what happens. Thanks everyone!

That's really great. I hope everything will be ok.

[stefanh1]

Thanks everyone, you've all given me something to think about. The friend is single as far as I know. I will try to get to know this guy a bit more, see where his intention really lie. I am civil with him, I just prefer to avoid contact. I've been wary that he still has feeling for my boyfriend and either my boyfriend is oblivious to it or he likes the attention or something else. Oh and no this guy isn't related to the threesome discussion. I ended that thought. I'll try to get to know this friend better and I'll see what happens. Thanks everyone!

I hope you are doing great.