it can be more than one.
-when i was 12 and in one moment during masturbating to a gamepro magazine with an ad full of male bodybuilders, all the feelings that i had towards guys in the past, the present and my masturbation patterns made sense. realize that i was gay at that point.
-during the 10th grade where i was going to a deep internal conflict with myself regarding my sexuality. i was already fighting the feelings but for some reason, they came on strong. i spent a lot of time by myself but i started to have the urge to hang a rainbow flag in my room and i guess come out. i was in deep denial and considered myself to be straight. i had a crush on one of my classmates in my music class plus my music teacher was gay, it made me really uncomfortable. plus i had some kid that i befriended that turned out to be a complete dickhead in my science class. he was some weedhead lame that was a closet case like i was except that he was more open about it and people didn't seem to realize it. he dated a bunch of girls in the class and they were all on his dick. however, he would constantly flirt with me, throwing passes, harassing me, calling me gay slurs, saying things like "you want to stick your dick in some booty" and a whole lot of other crazy shit. he was high off his ass because his breath smelled like total shit and he'd say it openly around other people not realizing it. one time in gym class where we were playing volleyball, this cunt when he was about to hit the ball fucking backs up to me, pushing his ass into my groin area and he was basically trying to push me against the ball in front of everybody. i shoved him off of me and he gave me this huge smile like he did it on purpose. i was pissed off and i should have beat his ass right then and there. 10th grade was the WORST year in high school.
-then 2011, i had graduated college finally after 7 years. i was stressed out at the time not knowing what i wanted to do with life. i was also depressed so i turned to smoking weed again. i networked my way around craiglist to find weed dealers around my area. i find one and he gave me some really strong stuff. so i decide to smoke out in my backyard with this pipe that i brought at this headshop around the way. i got high off my ass. so high to the point where my defensive thinking went away because i was still going through an internal conflict though i THOUGHT i had a grip on it at the time. i kept my feelings in secret. well, all the walls came down. i started hallucinating about this guy i had a crush on. then all the feelings that i had about him at that point came out. i was talking to myself out loud about it where i was basically saying the things that i wanted him to do to me. i was making out with the fucking air while playing the new coldplay song that had just came out saying his name and shit. the last thing i remember was jumping right into bed trying to sleep the high off since i was really fucked up. during that i was lying on my stomach. i said his name again and i remember putting both of my hands on my asscheeks trying to spread them. i said outloud that i wanted him to fuck me in the ass. i fell asleep and woke up feeling embarrassed in complete disbelief that i actually said those things or that the feelings that i had stored up actually came out. i knew that at that point that whatever feelings that i was hiding were coming out and i could no longer hide them. plus i was getting a bit paranoid that other gay men who could have good gaydar would probably pick up that i was a closet case and start to fucking prey on me on some "i know you're gay. quit trying to hide it." it left me feeling paranoid. so i realized sooner or later, i was going to have to fess up and admit to myself that i was gay. i had a long run being in denial (about 12 years) and if it wasn't for that weed or the crush i had on that person, i don't think i would been able to deal with that particular problem that was bothering me for that long.