Well, I spent my childhood with a lot of older girls around me because of my beauty. I kissed a lot of them, but I did it too young (just with 10 years old) and I got exhausted and stopped caring about girls.
I donít remember how it happened, but I got in love with a boy. Every time Iím near him I feel safe, I feel like feeling his sweet smell and curl his hair with my fingers itís the most important thing in the world.
Then I started trying to have some kind of love connection with him, stroking his legs or something like this. Making me feel more confused, he lets me do it! Sometimes he just come to me and gives me a hug from the nothing. We also hold hands and I stroke his fingers very slow and he just make a cute face and look at me.
The problem is when somebody is near us and even if nobody can see what weíre doing, he says: Stop touching me! And everybody look at us. I laugh, pretending itís a joke. I could understand it, after all, anybody knows what I feel and he has a loot of friends that could not talk to him anymore. But then, even alone, he started to cut me off and ignore me some days and let me write sweet things at his school book and at his arm in the others. He also used to write on mines, with hearts with his name, and I cry everytime I see it.
At my birthday party he went he started a relationship with a girl he loves since his 13 years, but I didnít realize what happened between them.
The thing didnít change for more than a month, and I sat behind him everyday and he always denied he had kissed her. In this middle I started seeing porn movies, celebrities fakes and trying to try to be with other boys (away from him) for know how was the experience. My older cousin masturbated me and I did it for him at a trip we slept together, I also masturbated 2 other boys from my class (heteros that now have girlfriends), but be with them make me feel weird, like I am doing something wrong, but not with my love. Not with the guy I cry everytime I imagine myself away from him. We talked like friends, but when I put my hands at his butt or laid my head on his shoulders he looked to other person like anything was happening and let me go ahead. One day he admitted me he has kissed her and that was all. But three days later he said me they had made oral sex and masturbated each other. I was stricken but, at the same time, happy he told me a secret. That could mean I was special, but I was wrong. I discovered everybody already knew about it and it was disappointing.
Yes, I tried to forget him, sit away from him, but he always held me and grabbed my waist with a lovely face. I couldnít resist. At Wednesday, the 2 classes always got together and the girl she loves sat behind him and did the same things I did!! I love him so much, so much, I felt lost, I didnít understand what was happening.
At the last day of classes I tried to say something lovely to him, after all, I didnít know if I was going to stay at the school because the price would grow up next year. It wasnít like this. The 2 classes got together the whole day like a ďgiftĒ and he ignored me completely. I decided it wouldnít be good for me to stay at that place and wanted to change school.
To be faster: I got through a very good school making a test that 2000 people made for 200 spots. I thought I wouldnít make it but I did. My mother said me she would pay me to stay there, that she didnít want to see me away from my friends. A lot of girls campaigned at my facebook page. I was sure of what I was doing. I had to forget this perfect and probably irreplaceable guy. But I started to kill myself inside when a girl posted:
#stay(myname) we donít live without you, we love you!
And he liked it! He called me at the chat and begged me to stay. I said I loved him and we stayed talking sweet things until 4:00 am. But I felt he had me as a friend.
We went to a lot of parties and the thing never got clear. He is a different person everyday!
The day I will never forget was the best and the worst of my life. People went at my house for watch a movie and I laid near him at a sofa that looks like a small bed, where it is usually for just one person normally. (he masturbated the girl she loves at the same one, weeks early, when we and a lot of friends were watching a movie, he told me). It was very sweet. I passed my hand over his shoulder, played with his hair, put my arms at his leg and we shared the same pillow. It was very near his dick, but he got my hand out when I got closer. But I loved it. I would die for having this again. When the movie was over we turned the lights on and the girls started to take pictures with their cellphone. Then, another girl started to cry like she was sick, calling me, my love, and one of the boys that moved from the town 4 years early and was visiting us. She said she lost him and will also lost me. It was kind of funny, but the boy I love was almost crying and I couldnít live seeing him that way. We sat next to her at the caught and I held his hand (nobody could see it). I started to fondle his fingers with all my love. He calmed down. We stayed talking to her and holding hands for a couple of minutes. After ending the crying the other girls decided to take pictures. I went to one and stayed behind him just to pass the hand at his but. He felt it and smiled to the camera.
They stayed there while I laid at another sofa, sad. He just came and laid on me. I could feel his dick there, but I wasnít caring about it. I was loving his amazing messy hair and his warmth near me. We stayed like that for more than ten minutes. The other people pretended they were not noting that. That was very emotional.
The girls left the place at 2:00 am. The 4 boys decided to sleep at my house. We all went upstairs and played poker. He was losing and in the middle of my turn he layed on me again. I pretended I didnít know he was stealing my chips. I wasnít caring about the boysí faces looking at my love expression either. He knows I love him. Was he kidding with it all?
Later, the boys turn the lights off and started watching a hetero porn movie they found at one of the guyís dadís phone. I stayed drawing on paint at the notebook (internet doesnít work upstairs).They turned off the phone and slept next each other. Everyone was almost sleeping but me and him, who was chatting with ďthe girl he doesnít date but makes almost sex sometimesĒ at the cellphone.
When they were sleeping we both went downstairs to sleep next each other at the living-room in 2 mattresses. He went upstairs ďat the bathroomĒ 5 times, saying the messages just could be sent there, where there was sign (and no internet).
If I tell everything we went through together, I would write a book, so, it was almost like this: He said his girl had stayed with another boy, at a party (I think she did it a lot of other times). I know he was crying upstairs, and I said:
- Oh, you were crying for her, how cuteÖ - and fondled his hair
He said he wasnít but we stayed laid next each other for hours and I got closer him everytime. We talked, commented the movie, my hand was at his waist and I put it on his dick. He just changed position, without saying anything. We took hours to sleep, laughing and holding hands. While he was sleeping I put my hand at his butt (he was turned sideways) and whispered :
- Donít forget to remember Lucas he has doctor tomorrow morningÖ
I woke up without remember when we finished touching.
I had a lot of proves he loves me but other lots he hates me. A lot of other things happened, but I canít remember every single touch of one year next him. It happens that I Iove him. I know this new school is better. I hate the fact he is away from her just now. But today, full of no explanations, I decided to go deeper. The guys went at my house again and I was layed near him at a bed we all were on. I put my hand at his belly a lot of times and pinched affectionately his arm. When one girl turned the ligh off I just held him and passed my legs through his and touched his dick (above the trouser) . My dick was at his butt. He let me there until the lights get on. He got up and said:
- I wonít lay anymore! (myname) stays touching me! Ė
Until the rest of the night he didnít give a shit for me. When he was going back to his house and I was going to give him a hug for goodbye, like I always do, he said to stop touching him again and went away.
I know you may think I went too fast but Iím on this for a long time. I donít see him everyday anymore and I want to know what his feelings are! Just be near him is awesome, but Iím over of loving him so much, and he still being 2 persons at the same time! I never felt what Iím feeling before. I cried a lot when he ďbroke upĒ with the girl, even knowing she is a bitch, and the worst girl for him. I cried because I just want him to be happy. I donít want to see him sad! That hurts so much, but so much!
I know I could love him more than anyone! That Iím good for him! But he makes me confused! Of course thereís the positive part, like that I lost 22 lbs and got muscular to be perfect for him, but I would undo everything he wants for staying with him, for be near him, for love him every day and help him with his problems, to let him copy my English homework and draw hearts on it. But Iím at the new school. Iím with new mates. May I keep this old and so strong love on me?
Help me, please. May I keep insisting at him or may I forget him? There is a lot of handsome guys would like to be with me, even heteros! I know he is not tall, he is not beautiful or that he is not the only guy in the world. I just know Iím crying right now. I just know I love the smile he gives me when he is dressing the t-shirt I gave him for birthday and want me to note it. I just know I love him more than anything. I just know that IíM him. That I need him right now. That Iím in love with this little things made my life a mess.
AND SORRY FOR MY ENGLISH, I'VE NEVER WRITTEN SO MUCH AT THIS LANGUAGE! AND PLEASE, HELP ME!